Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[GBS]

579 days sober
3 days no MO

Well, inexplicably things appear to be back on an even keel. I had a therapy session yesterday and got some of my frustration out. There is no obvious answer to the impasse other than the plain (and understandable) one that betrayal trauma can last for years. It doesn’t necessarily depend on the gravity of the betrayal. But me sulking or just filling myself with self pity is not going to make things better.

The even keel I referenced above is just that we’re sort of close again. As if the outbursts were just angry venting and we can move onwards. But no mention of whether we’re doing couples therapy. I said after my therapy that we should at least get back to the guy, and wife nodded in agreement. Silence thereafter. And so we persevere.

 

[Blondie]

Two steps forward, one step back, no big deal. You're a real man now (as we all are!), so nothing you can't handle.

Proud of you, as always.

 

[GBS]

Cheers, mate.

 

[GBS]

580 days sober
4 days no MO

Concentrating so hard these days on my own recovery. The (irritating) serenity prayer asks God/higher power for calmness in the face of frustration of things we can do nothing about. That calmness is upon me. Thank higher power for that.

 

[GBS]

581 days no porn
5 days no MO

 

[GBS]

582 days no porn
6 days no MO

 

[Percival]

You're working hard on yourself, which is all you (or any of us) can do. No matter what the future holds, you are and will be a better man.

 

[GBS]

Thanks Perce.

I am not on my own. [note to self] never forget this.

 

[GBS]

583 days no porn
7 days no MO

 

[GBS]

585 days no porn
9 days no MO

Things are quiet. Had brother in law visiting and had long “amends” chat with him. Went well. Nothing otherwise going on. Minor urges due to climbing no MO number, but the urge is to MO not anything else. Actually I think the brain says why not indulge in some harmless wife related fantasy. Difficult to diagnose whether that’s good or bad. I fantasized a bit and git on with my busy day.

 

[joepanic]

585 days no porn
9 days no MO

Things are quiet. Had brother in law visiting and had long “amends” chat with him. Went well. Nothing otherwise going on. Minor urges due to climbing no MO number, but the urge is to MO not anything else. Actually I think the brain says why not indulge in some harmless wife related fantasy. Difficult to diagnose whether that’s good or bad. I fantasized a bit and git on with my busy day.

I fantasize about my wife pretty much every day as I have for the past 18 years I'm pretty sure she wouldnt want it any other way

 

[GBS]

Fair point @joepanic and helpful too. Thanks.

 

[GBS]

586 days no porn
10 days no MO

I used to live in a world of secrecy. I hid a lot of stuff from my wife. I never had physical affairs with women but part of my make up was getting women to think I was great (and better than their husbands). I also gambled back in the past but gave that up. Pornography was obv hidden. It is betrayal and it went on for a long time. I think the nub of the problem today is that because I have stopped hiding, my recovery was very swift. It ain’t just porn, folks. It’s the not hiding stuff. You feel different because you’ve changed your brain and trained it to like normal stuff. But equally crucially (for me) you don’t fear being caught, because there’s nothing to catch you on. That lack of fear is liberating more than I can put into words.

The upsides: I can endure a great deal and I live mostly in a peaceful world. My wife’s slow recovery is essentially just a thing to accept and be calm about. The future could be the best thing ever.

The downsides: there is a little bit of me that is dying and because I have uber strength, the mild temptation is there that if my wife throws the proverbial book at me many more times, I could say “you know what, I am not sure I have to endure this” because I know that still preserves my honour, and I wouldn’t be a crumpled mess.

Notwithstanding the above, life us not as simple as that, because love and desire are in the mix.

But all in all it’s a good life so we persevere.

 

[GBS]

587 days no porn
11 days no MO

 

[Ezel]

587 days no porn
11 days no MO

keep going gbs, you're killing it sir. respect.

 

[Blondie]

keep going gbs, you're killing it sir. respect.

He really is, almost 600 days.

 

[GBS]

keep going gbs, you're killing it sir. respect.

And respect straight back atcha, mate. It’s a marathon not a sprint.

almost 600 days.

Almost pal. Almost.

588 days no porn
12 days no MO

Wife has therapy tomorrow. I must be strong as the last few times have been GBS bashings and one can only take so much.

 

[Androg]

 

[GBS]

Thanks @Androg - I will be out all day today seeing my elderly mother and step father. So if there us to be a discussion post therapy then it will be late today. My guess is she won’t beat me up again because the last lashing was really cruel and she knew she’d twisted the knife.

589 days clean from porn
13 days no MO

 

[Androg]

Thanks @Androg - I will be out all day today seeing my elderly mother and step father. So if there us to be a discussion post therapy then it will be late today. My guess is she won’t beat me up again because the last lashing was really cruel and she knew she’d twisted the knife.

589 days clean from porn
13 days no MO

Let us know how it goes