594 days sober
18 days no MO
Read this article the other day: Thinking of sexual desire as an on/off switch isn’t helping anyone
Sexual desire is often confused with both libido and arousal. These three terms are usually used interchangeably but are rarely fully understood.
Libido is commonly used to describe sex drive, but is usually considered to be binary, meaning either high or low. Arousal is the collective term for the physical changes that prepare the body for sex, such as increased heart and breathing rates and increased blood flow to the genitals.
But medically, desire is a person’s desire for sex, which is a fluid situation.
Like many human behaviors, sex is a habit. However, there is no normal frequency and amount of sex that is good or bad. Rather, the frequency, duration and type of sex depends on what each individual finds pleasant.
People want and have sex for many different reasons. Classically, sexual desire has been viewed as a sex drive, with people having either a low drive or a high drive. This was assumed to be permanent and an integral part of all of us. However, this led to many women being falsely accused of having low sexual desire simply because they didn’t want sex as much as their partner.
This theory has been overtaken by the dual control model of sexual response. This states that there are two independent processes that affect our sexual response. One is exciting and activating, the other inhibiting and deactivating.
The balance between these two opposing processes determines our overall response at any given moment. This is like a car with an accelerator (exciting) and brake (inhibiting).
How much gas is accelerated and braked during sex varies from person to person and also varies within a person. People may have more gas or brakes overall, but every situation will be different. So desire is complex, individual and dynamic.
A closer look at the science of sexual desire shows that we can break it down into two different types – spontaneous desire and reactive desire. Spontaneous cravings are immediate and can occur with or without stimulation. The score is usually high when people are young and/or at the beginning of a new relationship or situation.
In contrast, responsive craving is a response to an external stimulus, such as a book you are reading or having dinner with your partner. In longer-term relationships, where spontaneous desire may have subsided, it tends to be greater.
These two types of desire are integrated into an alternative model that critically examines women’s sexual response. It acknowledges the two types of desire and explains that they can occur before or after arousal. That way, it better reflects how women feel, react to, and experience sex.
It also includes the key role of intimacy, namely physical and/or emotional closeness – and recognizes that this is often a powerful factor in motivating women to have sex.
Of course, there are also many biological, psychological, and social factors that can influence sexual desire.
If you suffer from a physical condition such as joint pain, vulvodynia (a condition that causes pain, burning, or discomfort in the vulva), or urogenital symptoms of menopause that cause pain during sex, you’ll be immediately put off.
This will affect the next experience and put you off even more. In this way, your inhibitory processes dominate your excitatory processes and dampen your desire for sex.
Of course, we don’t want to do things that we don’t enjoy, and that applies to both mental and physical problems. For example, if we don’t feel good about our body image or are in a strained relationship, we won’t enjoy sexual experiences and this affects our overall view of sex and our ability to feel sexual desire.
There are also external distractions that can inhibit craving. The routine of normal life work to be done, food to be prepared, children to be looked after, etc. just gets in the way. An endless to-do list and constant preoccupation with the needs of others can quietly and consistently impact your body and mind’s ability to generate responsive desire, let alone make room for spontaneous desire.
Great, pleasurable, and fulfilling sex is behavior that is cultivated and not always present and automatic. It’s not as simple and fixed as you may or may not have it, but rather a fluctuating situation that needs to grow and be nurtured. However, this is not fully understood by most people, which leaves them in the dark about their own attitude towards sex and can lead to problems.
It doesn’t have to be like this. Better education about the science of desire would provide insight into our own sexual motivations and lead to a happier and more fulfilling sex life.
So why did I ask you to read that? Well I think there are myths about sex drive and we “new” men need to be car carrying, banner waving champions of the truth. I honestly don’t actually know what my sex drive is anymore. What I mean is: I know I have one but is it roughly the same as my wife’s or is it different? It was a distorted sex drive before because I liked being in a state of arousal so much and topped it up by watching porn when I could. I masturbated quite often and had no real idea who I was sexually. Now I have rebooted, what’s my sex drive like? It’s fascinating to know.
Things are good here. Sometimes I think there’s sexual tension and then I wonder if that’s just me. Anyone out there reading this might ask - “hey GBS, next time you feel the tension why don’t you ask your wife if she’s feeling it?” Hmmm…..good point. Errr…..too chicken and scared of being knocked back.
Keep going, don’t let porn win. It cheats and doesn’t deserve your attention.
