Finally posting


Active Member
Day 0

Here we go again, starting over. Lots going on in my brain right now as I'm processing. I'm feeling ok, not feeling too beaten down. Ready to get up, dust myself off, learn some lessons, and keep going.

So, debrief. Two ways I could process what happened. On the one hand, I could figure out the practical side, what habits were at fault, what the triggers were, etc etc. That can be useful, but right now I'm wanting to get a bit more philosophical.

Something clicked into place today right after my relapse, and I was able to see how closely connected my addiction is with my sense of self-worth. Realizing that lately I've been feeling a bit...useless. My hobbies haven't been interesting me as much, and my self-improvement habits have been falling off a bit. I just haven't been feeling it. I've been drawn to simple online games, or easy-read books, etc etc. Anything that gives me a reward without much investment, basically. And I've noticed that when I'm in those kinds of patterns I start to see myself differently. I'm not quite as proud of who I am, not quite as confident, not quite as motivated to push myself because I just see myself as the sort of person who goes with the flow. When I am being more deliberate, though...memorizing poetry, listening to the Bible in my target language while doing dishes, dabbling in classical literature, improving my rubix cube times, reading physical books instead of kindle, or even just reading vs chilling online...well, when I've got habits like that I stand a little straighter, and feel a little better about myself. Basically, both kinds of behavior tend to be somewhat cumulative. When I'm being more deliberate, I feel more confident, which makes me not as prone to relapses. When I'm doing more coasting through life, then I'm much more prone to relapses because I'm struggling to visualize success and am liable to just collapse into failure by default instead.

Everything I said above seems kind of obvious, and I guess it kinda is on a surface level. There's a difference, though, between knowing something like that theoretically, and really experiencing it. And right now I feel like I'm doing the latter.

On the one hand the answer is simple, just be more deliberate! BUT that's honestly not fully sustainable. I need to be able to chill sometimes, and that's ok. I don't need to just be all work, all deliberate all the time. I don't know if I'll be able to fully articulate this, but I think the answer is more connected with making peace with myself. Finding a way to love myself for who I am, not just for what I accomplish. Finding a way to see myself as worth investing in and capable of doing so. Maybe what I'm talking about is learning self-confidence, I guess?

Well, I have no idea if any of that will make sense to myself in the future even, much less to anyone else. Might be a seed of something valuable or profound there, might not. Most likely there's something valuable but not profound, haha. Just a basic lesson that a lot of people have learned before, but that I still need practice wwith.


Respected Member
Hey @Dungalef, I understand this. There's was a point in my recovery where I really started to grasp why I did this thing that I hated, and as you pointed out, often it was from a sense of self-loathing and feeling bad about myself and my past. Ironcially, looking at porn only made me feel even worse about myself, which is the tragic part about it, doing something you know you hate but do anyway. I think the trick is to do those things you mentioned, which makes you feel good about yourself at the same time. Obviously you can have burn out or it's not "sustainable", but if you really enjoy it, better that than porn. Of course, you can relax too, nothing wrong with that. I've noticed as I've really changed my life over the last almost six years, I enjoy the "off times" more when I've been working my ass off on my hobies and goals. You appreciate something more when you don't have it all the time. Just some thoughts.

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