Finally posting
- Thread starter Dungalef
- Start date
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 1
Back again, been a while. Overall porn hasn't been as bad the last few months, but it's been slow increasing over the last month or so to the point where I'm looking at something and edging a bit pretty much every day. It's starting to take over again, and I hate that. There's two threads that I feel I need to hold onto at the same time:
On the one hand, this is serious stuff. This could wreck my life, my career, my family....at minimum it is quite likely if unchecked to sap away my joy, motivation, and confidence so that my whole life ends up being just kinda meh. I've been taking low (but slowly increasing) daily doses of poison, and it's gonna kill me.
On the other hand though, I am not a failure, I am not bad. If I go down that path of viewing myself as the kind of person who does bad stuff, who can't control himself, then that's the narrative I'm gonna live out! It's so much harder to change if I don't see myself as a) able to do better and b) worth the effort.
The reality is, I'm fighting a tough fight here, with the odds stacked against me. It's unacceptable but understandable that I've fallen so much, and I can do better.
Back again, been a while. Overall porn hasn't been as bad the last few months, but it's been slow increasing over the last month or so to the point where I'm looking at something and edging a bit pretty much every day. It's starting to take over again, and I hate that. There's two threads that I feel I need to hold onto at the same time:
On the one hand, this is serious stuff. This could wreck my life, my career, my family....at minimum it is quite likely if unchecked to sap away my joy, motivation, and confidence so that my whole life ends up being just kinda meh. I've been taking low (but slowly increasing) daily doses of poison, and it's gonna kill me.
On the other hand though, I am not a failure, I am not bad. If I go down that path of viewing myself as the kind of person who does bad stuff, who can't control himself, then that's the narrative I'm gonna live out! It's so much harder to change if I don't see myself as a) able to do better and b) worth the effort.
The reality is, I'm fighting a tough fight here, with the odds stacked against me. It's unacceptable but understandable that I've fallen so much, and I can do better.
Dungalef
Active Member
Thanks @Blondie, doing my best to do that!
Back to Day 0 today, but I feel like I'm still making progress. Read recently on someone's thread (don't remember where, sorry!) about a story that's often used in 12 step groups, where a man keeps falling into a pothole every day. Every day he thinks about it a bit more and considers not going down that street, but he keeps falling. Eventually he stops, but it takes a long time and to everyone else it just looks like he keeps falling in. They can't see the mental progress being made in the background. I liked that, because it's a useful way for me to think about this recovery process. Just because I "fall in the hole" as it were, doesn't mean that I'm not getting closer to victory! As long as I keep learning and pressing on, which I'm doing.
I've identified where my biggest problem area is, and it's right after lunch. I get a real dopamine crash and it's sooo hard not to fill that void with something sexual. I used to play online games during that time slot and it was getting addictive, but when I backed off from that I find myself filling it up with porn and porn-adjacent stuff. I don't really want to just go back to the unhealthy gaming patterns, because I really want to actually tackle the root issue and learn to fill that time well. I talked about this with my wife yesterday, and talked about how I want to start posting here at the beginning of that time. And yet today the addiction snagged me from behind before I had the chance to post here. Usually it's when I start working on the computer that trouble starts, but today I went to lie down for a while and ended up browsing my phone. *sigh*
Up and at it, continuing to fight. I really want to get to the point where it just isn't an option, but I can't seem to figure out how to manually flip that mental switch.
Back to Day 0 today, but I feel like I'm still making progress. Read recently on someone's thread (don't remember where, sorry!) about a story that's often used in 12 step groups, where a man keeps falling into a pothole every day. Every day he thinks about it a bit more and considers not going down that street, but he keeps falling. Eventually he stops, but it takes a long time and to everyone else it just looks like he keeps falling in. They can't see the mental progress being made in the background. I liked that, because it's a useful way for me to think about this recovery process. Just because I "fall in the hole" as it were, doesn't mean that I'm not getting closer to victory! As long as I keep learning and pressing on, which I'm doing.
I've identified where my biggest problem area is, and it's right after lunch. I get a real dopamine crash and it's sooo hard not to fill that void with something sexual. I used to play online games during that time slot and it was getting addictive, but when I backed off from that I find myself filling it up with porn and porn-adjacent stuff. I don't really want to just go back to the unhealthy gaming patterns, because I really want to actually tackle the root issue and learn to fill that time well. I talked about this with my wife yesterday, and talked about how I want to start posting here at the beginning of that time. And yet today the addiction snagged me from behind before I had the chance to post here. Usually it's when I start working on the computer that trouble starts, but today I went to lie down for a while and ended up browsing my phone. *sigh*
Up and at it, continuing to fight. I really want to get to the point where it just isn't an option, but I can't seem to figure out how to manually flip that mental switch.
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 1
After my relapse yesterday I found a way to remove the browser that was causing issues on my phone, leaving only the one that has some filtering in place. I've known that path was a problem for a while but haven't been able to figure out a way to block it, so it feels good to have that in place finally! Focusing on learning from my mistakes and moving forward.
I've been working on being more open with my wife lately also. It's not like I had been hiding anything per se, but there's a difference between "not hiding" and "being open."
All in all, I feel like I'm slowly moving towards being healthier, and it feels good.
After my relapse yesterday I found a way to remove the browser that was causing issues on my phone, leaving only the one that has some filtering in place. I've known that path was a problem for a while but haven't been able to figure out a way to block it, so it feels good to have that in place finally! Focusing on learning from my mistakes and moving forward.
I've been working on being more open with my wife lately also. It's not like I had been hiding anything per se, but there's a difference between "not hiding" and "being open."
All in all, I feel like I'm slowly moving towards being healthier, and it feels good.
Blondie
Respected Member
Dungalef
Active Member
Back to day 0 unfortunately. Had some time alone at home and of course I decided to veg online, and when it wasn't interesting enough I eventually ended up surfing porn on Reddit. 
Feels like I've made that mistake so many times. Nothing to do but get up at get going again though!
Feels like I've made that mistake so many times. Nothing to do but get up at get going again though!
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 0
Here I am again. Feeling discouraged, like I can't seem to make it past a couple of days. What's up with me right now? Can't seem to get my head in the game. I hate this addiction, except when I don't. Heh, and therein lies the problem. I can't maintain my disdain for it through the moments of temptation, and I can't muster the self-control to just power my way through. The times when I've done better lately have been when I've had something else to keep me going through those moments, some other sense of purpose other than just "this addiction sucks." But I don't know where to go inside myself to find that.
Here I am again. Feeling discouraged, like I can't seem to make it past a couple of days. What's up with me right now? Can't seem to get my head in the game. I hate this addiction, except when I don't. Heh, and therein lies the problem. I can't maintain my disdain for it through the moments of temptation, and I can't muster the self-control to just power my way through. The times when I've done better lately have been when I've had something else to keep me going through those moments, some other sense of purpose other than just "this addiction sucks." But I don't know where to go inside myself to find that.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @Dungalef, good to see you back here. It takes balls to come back with your tail between your legs. I get it, I've been there not too long ago myself.
Best
Jesus said "a kingdom divided cannot stand" and I've always thought that analogy worked well with what we're fighting here. On one hand, you like porn for its "pleasure" but on the other hand, you hate it as well, and therein lies the problem. You have to decided completely that you're over it once and for all, because if you don't, you'll always stumble and fall.
This is important too, and I agree, just focusing on "this addiction sucks" will get us nowhere. Do you have any other mission, goals, family goals (If I remember right, you're a dad), hobbies, you can focus on when you have "time" to get into trouble?
Best
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 2
Thanks for this response, Blondie! Still musing on how to integrate these ideas.
I’ve definitely been already focusing on some hobbies lately, like doing some self-paced online courses in interest areas, studying languages, memorizing poems…all stuff that’s really good for me, it’s just not enough to completely displace the porn. Basically, there’s no easy solution and it always takes some hard work, haha. I want to spend some time researching and reading up on addiction recovery resources like the articles on yourbrainonporn, etc…just to continue to add to my repertoire. Maybe find some mindfulness/awareness techniques to try out?
I am proud of myself right now though because I allllmost gave in to an urge. Had a URL typed in, even hit enter, but then closed the tab before it loaded and came right here. It was one of those cases where I recognized an urge at first, fought against it for a while, but then after 20 minutes of doing something else I came SO close to falling to the second wave of the attack. It’s happened a lot, and it’s good progress for me to come here instead. Now the one thing I need to remember is that the attack doesn’t always stop with the second wave. Coming here to post doesn’t make me immune to a relapse today, haha. Voice of experience speaking there, unfortunately.
Thanks for this response, Blondie! Still musing on how to integrate these ideas.
I’ve definitely been already focusing on some hobbies lately, like doing some self-paced online courses in interest areas, studying languages, memorizing poems…all stuff that’s really good for me, it’s just not enough to completely displace the porn. Basically, there’s no easy solution and it always takes some hard work, haha. I want to spend some time researching and reading up on addiction recovery resources like the articles on yourbrainonporn, etc…just to continue to add to my repertoire. Maybe find some mindfulness/awareness techniques to try out?I am proud of myself right now though because I allllmost gave in to an urge. Had a URL typed in, even hit enter, but then closed the tab before it loaded and came right here. It was one of those cases where I recognized an urge at first, fought against it for a while, but then after 20 minutes of doing something else I came SO close to falling to the second wave of the attack. It’s happened a lot, and it’s good progress for me to come here instead.
Now the one thing I need to remember is that the attack doesn’t always stop with the second wave. Coming here to post doesn’t make me immune to a relapse today, haha. Voice of experience speaking there, unfortunately.
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 5
Been feeling regular urges, but standing strong. Found some inner strength somewhere, I think part of it is relearning inner awareness during the urges, which lets me talk back to myself through the urges, to actually work through them instead of just being carried along by them. I’ve even had a few occasions of being home alone that would 100% have caused relapses maybe even a few weeks ago, but I was able to make it through just doing other stuff even when I was craving the dopamine.
I also went back and read through some of my posts from when I was on my longest streak, as well as the ones from when I was slowly starting to slip, and it was super encouraging. A great reminder of how far I am able to go when I set my mind to it.
Been feeling regular urges, but standing strong. Found some inner strength somewhere, I think part of it is relearning inner awareness during the urges, which lets me talk back to myself through the urges, to actually work through them instead of just being carried along by them. I’ve even had a few occasions of being home alone that would 100% have caused relapses maybe even a few weeks ago, but I was able to make it through just doing other stuff even when I was craving the dopamine.
I also went back and read through some of my posts from when I was on my longest streak, as well as the ones from when I was slowly starting to slip, and it was super encouraging. A great reminder of how far I am able to go when I set my mind to it.
Dungalef
Active Member
Day 0
Had a relapse on Day 11 or so, then another one just now. The first one was a weird one, I had a bunch of time alone and ended up in this weird mental place that I'm still not fully sure about. I had been reading an interesting book quite intensively the day or so previously, and I think it put me in a weird zone. The book didn't really have any triggers that I can remember (maybe some super mild stuff?), more so just the slight dream-like state of being half immersed in another universe left me not as self-aware, and thus more prone to relapse.
Anyway, today's relapse was 100% a chaser, following up on recurrent flashbacks that the first relapse got me started on. *sigh* Oh well, up and at it again I suppose. I'm encouraged overall by the last 2 weeks, and I know that even though binges start this way with a slowly increasing relapse rate, it's also true that sometimes a good streak starts with a few small stutters. So I'm gonna do what I can to make this a stutter, not a binge. And a lot of that is self-awareness and self-talk, I think. Today I was almost there. I recognized the moment of the urge, started talking myself through my priorities, but forgot about all that 20 minutes later. So lesson learned I guess.
Had a relapse on Day 11 or so, then another one just now. The first one was a weird one, I had a bunch of time alone and ended up in this weird mental place that I'm still not fully sure about. I had been reading an interesting book quite intensively the day or so previously, and I think it put me in a weird zone. The book didn't really have any triggers that I can remember (maybe some super mild stuff?), more so just the slight dream-like state of being half immersed in another universe left me not as self-aware, and thus more prone to relapse.
Anyway, today's relapse was 100% a chaser, following up on recurrent flashbacks that the first relapse got me started on. *sigh* Oh well, up and at it again I suppose. I'm encouraged overall by the last 2 weeks, and I know that even though binges start this way with a slowly increasing relapse rate, it's also true that sometimes a good streak starts with a few small stutters. So I'm gonna do what I can to make this a stutter, not a binge. And a lot of that is self-awareness and self-talk, I think. Today I was almost there. I recognized the moment of the urge, started talking myself through my priorities, but forgot about all that 20 minutes later. So lesson learned I guess.
^ This right here, dismissing the urge, is key to any real and lasting change. The only thing is to do this consistently enough to where unwanted habits become former habits.