I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Hey guys -- This is my 2nd and last attempt (I only say last because I KNOW I will succeed). My first is documented here (https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/22148/) as I want to be totally transparent, but wanted to start a new journal as psychologically feels better for me. You can read other threat if interested but quick background: I'm a 26M, have fapped since age 18. Got scared when last yr (25) I had sex for first time and could barely get it up unless I really drove up the fantasy in my mind and found YBOP (and even then the erections were really poor). After listening to Gabe Deem's videos, I sort of tested the waters a few times but without any real commitment to stop before making the decision as of last month to 100% quit.

Reason for my relapse was I got a workout injury and felt like absolute crap -- I felt scared that even if I made it to the end of all this I wouldn't be able to even pull a girl. I've always equated working out as the ticket to my living a happy life. Some of this mindset change definitely needs to happen, so that even if I don't end up jacked up at the end, even losing 15-20lb of fat (via cardio) will help with my confidence a lot. Here are the list of reasons I want to do YBOP, I want to document this so I can take a hard look at them if I feel tempted:

1. Solving PIED (obviously). I want to look back and be content, with a woman I love and one day kids who look up to me and admire me. I don't want to end up a broken shell of a person years from now wondering 'what if'

2. Increasing my happiness. Little history here -- I'm more attuned to this I feel than many others as I went through a 6-8 month period of mild anxiety / depression when I was 23. Most of this was rooted in my close friends moving away and I didn't have a wide enough social circle so I felt very alone. My parents and my best friends were always there for me and helped me climb out. I solved this by making more new friends, reconnecting with old friends, making deeper connections with existing friends, and being the one to reach out (which most people reciprocated). While I definitely want to make more friends today and am in the process of tapping every avenue (work, family friends, events, etc) I'm in a good state here and I have ~15 or so friends who I call regularly (not living in my city) and have half a dozen I hang out with fairly regularly (trying to double this #).

• So what do I mean here with increase my happiness? While I'm not anxious / depressed these days, what I have noticed and I've remarked this to my mom many times in the past 3-4yrs is how dull life seems to have gotten. I'm not unhappy but I don't feel that unbridled sense of happiness I remember even in the early days of college. Some of that is just entering the working world & the struggles that come with that (vs being a relatively carefree kid in high school or college) but some I think really is related to P use. YBOP mentions specifically that some of the changes that come out of this are music sounding better, food tasting better, feeling joy at a deeper level, enjoying life more. And many others have corroborated this as quitting P brought them out of depression! And why wouldn't it? We're flooding out addicted brains to stupid levels of dopamine with P so nothing else can compare. Other stuff like exercise, spending more time with friends, etc also helps but P is a big thing holding people back. I'm really looking forward to feeling that again, to be honest increasing my joy out of life is almost just as important as solving PIED.

3. Becoming a new man with more confidence & seizing life by the throat. Read tons of success stories where people post the 90 days have become more confident / more outgoing / more 'alpha' nonverbal (don't like this word much but it conveys what I mean) signals like eye contact, body language, etc. Along with losing my excess fat (I'm a 24.5 BMI right now, would love to get to 20 BMI or even stay at 24 but recomp the fat with muscle) I think this should help enormously with my confidence levels.

In my old thread, you can also see some more context (if interested) as to what sorts of changes I'm making this time around as I tackle this challenge of quitting P forever. Much, much love to those who supported me as my first step including: @SmokenMirrors @cookiemonster @Blondie. I will not let you all or myself down.

 

[Blondie]

Keep it up first step. Becoming a better man is hard work but definitely worth it!

One day at a time.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Keep it up first step. Becoming a better man is hard work but definitely worth it!

One day at a time.

Thanks my guy. Indeed, you and I will both make this. Seeing Gabe Deem make it & see how he now has this wonderful family also inspires me, there's a future beyond P for all of us

Also as I'm typing this, I want to document that I notice the brain fog from the relapse. Never understood what this symptom was until I learned about it on YBOP

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Keep up the consistency brother! Yes the brain fog is directly related to porn use, at least in my experience!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Keep up the consistency brother! Yes the brain fog is directly related to porn use, at least in my experience!

Thanks my dude, will do. Already had a dream about women last night (no intercourse though). We'll see how things progress

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Jeez what is up w/ the sex dreams? When I'm PMO'ing I almost never get them, but now that I've stopped doing that the dreams have started up again. Amazing what your subsconcious can do. Nothing left over in my boxers so wasn't really a "wet dream" and sadly it included an anime girl vs. a real girl. But that's the process I guess, only been 4 days so far

I'm really looking forward to experiencing new aspects of life once I clear the 90 day hurdle. Perhaps the reboot does take longer, dunno. Regardless I told myself I'm going to really start putting myself out there with women by the fall (maybe earlier if things go better than expected)

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Jeez what is up w/ the sex dreams? When I'm PMO'ing I almost never get them, but now that I've stopped doing that the dreams have started up again. Amazing what your subsconcious can do. Nothing left over in my boxers so wasn't really a "wet dream" and sadly it included an anime girl vs. a real girl. But that's the process I guess, only been 4 days so far

I'm really looking forward to experiencing new aspects of life once I clear the 90 day hurdle. Perhaps the reboot does take longer, dunno. Regardless I told myself I'm going to really start putting myself out there with women by the fall (maybe earlier if things go better than expected)

I experienced sex dreams frequently during my reboot, they will pass!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Man today was a tough day guys, though not from a P perspective. Got to talking with some work colleagues around my age (24-29) and realized literally 80-90% of them had gfs. Weather's nice and driving around I guess I never noticed how many people are couples. Literally everyone I go I feel like I see what I'm missing. Come home and my roommates got this girl over. No hate, it's great for him -- I'm just feeling a bit crappy on my current situation. Walls are also thin so that's not great...

No worries on my behalf though -- this isn't in any way pushing me to fap. Atm I can't say it's massively motivating me either but when I settle down with my thoughts a bit I'm sure it will.

Either way, all of this is pushing me to realize that I'm 26 and at this point is when people start forming LT relationships and settling down. I know there's time but I want to get moving with this very soon. Over past several years -- and esp with Covid -- I could justify my single lifestyle and say "there's plenty of time" but now I'm really realizing that the free window is closing.

Guess we all have different motivations and things that keep us going. Either way, we can't let PIED hold us back. Some of this self esteem change I hope will be fixed by PIED but most of it I feel will only be done by getting in shape. Onwards and upwards my brothers

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

I experienced sex dreams frequently during my reboot, they will pass!

Fosho man, I actually can't say I mind the sex dreams too much (don't really care for them either) though I say that now haha, waking up with soiled boxers is another story

 

[Blondie]

Either way, all of this is pushing me to realize that I'm 26 and at this point is when people start forming LT relationships and settling down. I know there's time but I want to get moving with this very soon. Over past several years -- and esp with Covid -- I could justify my single lifestyle and say "there's plenty of time" but now I'm really realizing that the free window is closing.

Hey First step,

From my experience, which is the only thing I speak from, society loves to tell us certain things like, you have to get married at a certain age, you have to do this, etc., and will shame us if we don't comply. Now, there's nothing wrong with getting married at in early age, however, 26 is really quite young, especially these days. I remember at that stage of my life, I also felt "pressure" to conform and get married, and because of that, I almost married the wrong girl (though she was a sweetheart). Thus, I understand feeling lonely, I understand feeling like you have to do this because everyone else is; however, that doesn't necessarily mean you should do it.

You do you man, keep getting your shit together, quit porn and do what you need to do to set yourself up for success for that amazing woman who will walk into your life someday. If you really want a girl soon, great. But just make sure it's what you want, and not what you think you "should" do.

Just my two cents.

Best

Blondie

 

[TryingHarder]

Totally agree with @Blondie on this one, @First_step_thousand_miles. 26 is is young - you have a lot of time to find someone and get into a positive, long term relationship. One thing at a time! Complete your reboot first! I know I won't even consider getting into dating someone until I'm at least 6 months clean. I've had to explain my porn addiction to two different women over the years - never again!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Hey First step,

From my experience, which is the only thing I speak from, society loves to tell us certain things like, you have to get married at a certain age, you have to do this, etc., and will shame us if we don't comply. Now, there's nothing wrong with getting married at in early age, however, 26 is really quite young, especially these days. I remember at that stage of my life, I also felt "pressure" to conform and get married, and because of that, I almost married the wrong girl (though she was a sweetheart). Thus, I understand feeling lonely, I understand feeling like you have to do this because everyone else is; however, that doesn't necessarily mean you should do it.

You do you man, keep getting your shit together, quit porn and do what you need to do to set yourself up for success for that amazing woman who will walk into your life someday. If you really want a girl soon, great. But just make sure it's what you want, and not what you think you "should" do.

Just my two cents.

Best

Blondie

Absolutely Blondie, love to get your perspective. Last thing I'd want is to rush into a marriage that I'm not sure makes sense and have it end in failure a few years out. It's just hard sometimes as we look around and compare to the rest of the world. But like you said, one step at a time!

Much more motivated to keep at this thing given reflection. Appreciate the advice again

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Totally agree with @Blondie on this one, @First_step_thousand_miles. 26 is is young - you have a lot of time to find someone and get into a positive, long term relationship. One thing at a time! Complete your reboot first! I know I won't even consider getting into dating someone until I'm at least 6 months clean. I've had to explain my porn addiction to two different women over the years - never again!

For sure man. Saw that you're 30 days in, great stuff!

I was thinking after ~4 months of reboot to start dating. I've got this big certification exam coming up in early Sept I'm prepping for so even after 90 days the next 30 will be spent grinding anyway. No time to be worrying about girls in that final stretch and having that mess with my headspace. But after that, I'm going to get a move on.

Even if you're not feeling ready, sometimes just gotta throw yourself into the deep end. At least that's what's worked best for me in the past even if it's not fun in the short-term

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Well this is officially day 7, end of day will mark the 1 week anniversary. Random musings here:

What I've been thinking about this week is just how LONG this process takes. There's no way to accelerate it. Let's say you're trying to get good at guitar. You can get as good as a guy who's been playing for 1yr practicing 3hrs per week by just practicing 2 months but maybe 10hrs per week. With lifting, to some extent the guy who lifts 5 days a week is probably going to have better gains vs. the one lifting 3 days per week. Basically, you can accelerate your timetable (within reason) for a lot of things.

This is different. You just need to let days pass by to make it to 90 days (after which you can start rewiring). Maybe an obvious thing to say, but when you're going no-PMO it feels like you've been doing it for a while yet the time's barely passed! Technically I did make it 2.5 weeks+ in that first round so psychologically guess I'm also counting that time but even so. It's only been a week so far! To really make it 90 days will take until mid-Aug.

What's the takeaway here? Do your utmost to not relapse. Because it's not just about relapsing, but you're re-starting the counter from Day 1! Psychologically though your brain probably healed at least partway if you did this for let's say 30 days, but even so it's definitely not a full reboot and you've made your mind vulnerable again.

All of this is only hardening my motivation to not relapsing, I DON'T want to start again from Day 1. What pisses me off is that I'd be be at my 1 month anniversary vs. 1 week if only I hadn't relapsed. I won't go through that again. Here's to success & moving on with our lives

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Well this is officially day 7, end of day will mark the 1 week anniversary. Random musings here:

What I've been thinking about this week is just how LONG this process takes. There's no way to accelerate it. Let's say you're trying to get good at guitar. You can get as good as a guy who's been playing for 1yr practicing 3hrs per week by just practicing 2 months but maybe 10hrs per week. With lifting, to some extent the guy who lifts 5 days a week is probably going to have better gains vs. the one lifting 3 days per week. Basically, you can accelerate your timetable (within reason) for a lot of things.

This is different. You just need to let days pass by to make it to 90 days (after which you can start rewiring). Maybe an obvious thing to say, but when you're going no-PMO it feels like you've been doing it for a while yet the time's barely passed! Technically I did make it 2.5 weeks+ in that first round so psychologically guess I'm also counting that time but even so. It's only been a week so far! To really make it 90 days will take until mid-Aug.

What's the takeaway here? Do your utmost to not relapse. Because it's not just about relapsing, but you're re-starting the counter from Day 1! Psychologically though your brain probably healed at least partway if you did this for let's say 30 days, but even so it's definitely not a full reboot and you've made your mind vulnerable again.

All of this is only hardening my motivation to not relapsing, I DON'T want to start again from Day 1. What pisses me off is that I'd be be at my 1 month anniversary vs. 1 week if only I hadn't relapsed. I won't go through that again. Here's to success & moving on with our lives

7 days! What an achievement!
I also share your philosophy on the gruelling, no shortcut 90 days. If you fail, you lose all of those days and never get them back, that's what primarily kept me motivated!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

7 days! What an achievement!
I also share your philosophy on the gruelling, no shortcut 90 days. If you fail, you lose all of those days and never get them back, that's what primarily kept me motivated!

Great stuff man, really proud that you reached 100 days! From here on out it's all gravy -- onwards to the 4 digit club

 

[SmokenMirrors]

Great stuff man, really proud that you reached 100 days! From here on out it's all gravy -- onwards to the 4 digit club

Thank you man! Couldn't have done it without the support of everyone!

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Went out last night fellas, I live near a major city. Holy mother of god, did not realize how many super attractive women there are. Didn't really feel anxiety going out. Lot of that faded after college and I just got older but also I guess some of it had to be attributed to fact that I wasn't actively going for it as it's only been 7 days and I'm not really confident about the PIED yet. Want to give it 90 days before I start really making an effort.

Either way, I don't think I want to be going out again soon (will still casually go out to bars, but I mean going out after 11pm to a clubby-type bar). Was definitely frustrating just going out and seeing what you can't have. I'm not really a 'club' person either tbh so will probably rely more on the apps or regular day activities (maybe join a kickball league, dunno) after my 3-4 months of hard mode.

Anyway, really depends I guess on what going out during your 90 days for you psychologically. Some people are probably tempted to fap, some use it as motivation not to fap, some just feel a little crappy. I think I'm in the last one right now haha, no urge to fap at all. Just realizing how sad it is to bust my nuts to some girl I will NEVER even meet while some other dude is getting his rocks off. Think about it, you're fapping to the girl you want being screwed by another guy? What the hell? That guy had the balls to go actually talk to her, make a move, and now he's reaping the fruits of his efforts (in amateur, not pro stuff as obviously those people are being paid) while you're sitting here wishing you were him. That's not life, we need to be taking active control over our destinies.

Anime porn is even worse. Read something the other day, that you are fapping to something that more often than not some fat Japanese virgin created. This isn't meant to denigrate anyone. The key word is 'virgin.' Unlike in actual porn where at least actual people are having sex, these fake characters in anime porn are being drawn by a guy who more likely than not has never even had it! So what does that say about me if I'm fapping to this?

I first learned about PIED and Gabe Deem in early fall last year and I have to say my motivation to quit has only gradually hardened since then the more I learn and the more I think about it. I will say I enjoyed porn a lot more back when I didn't know it was wreaking havoc on my life so now that's been taken away. However, this is a good thing as it makes the urges much easier to resist. Anyway just some more musings fellas. 1 week mark has been crossed, onwards and upwards

 

[Blondie]

I like your thinking here First Step. You're absolutely right, fapping to porn while watching some guy do what you wish you were doing is the ultimate definition of a loser. Of course, you're not a loser, and neither am I, but when we have engaged in these activities, we were acting like losers of the lowest kind. When I realized this years ago, my fight with porn and my resolve to stop become considerably stronger. It's good in life to step back like you're doing here and start analyzing what really is going on during certain moments of our lives, and this one must be analyzed for clarification.

Our ancestors had none of this nonsense in their lives and yet we are here because of them talking to that cute girl by the neighboring hill. If they can do, so can we.

Porn is not an option.

Best.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Officially crossed Day 10 yesterday! On to Day 11 and the triple digit club!