Honoring the Ultimatum

[The Tunesmith]

Hi. My name is Steve and I am on day 31 of my sobriety after 20 years of addiction. I named my journal "Honoring the Ultimatum" because I was indeed given one (I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has) by my wife of 14 years. I'm 59 and she is 46, so there's that. The age difference isn't an issue for her (or me) in the traditional sense, but my porn induced E.D is. Coupled with my advanced age it goes without saying that our sex life has been severely compromised.

The Ultimatum was actually presented to me nearly 7 months ago, but I didn't become fully porn free until last month. I was using substitute materials (pix on Pinterest) as a sort of porn junkie's methadone, and also relapsed into hard core stuff several times over the course of those 7 months, so 31 days sober is where things stand for me at this point. She was gracious and forgiving enough to allow me those relapses, but she finally put her foot down and said "NO MORE", and placed monitoring software on all my devices. Glad she did. It sort of makes her an accountability partner, albeit a biased one.

About me. I am a former funeral director/embalmer, disabled due to genetic spinal disorders. Still able to walk, just too weak to perform my job any longer. I have been a musician (drummer/keyboards) since I was 13 years old. Can't play drums anymore due to the disability, so my musical boner gets it's orgasm via composition. Have over 30 songs written and recorded thus far.

I am on my last leg marriage-wise, as in if my wife catches me using again she will most likely walk.

I am in couples therapy at the moment and I am also looking for a CSAT as well. I am devouring audio books on the subject of addiction and have already learned a lot, and I am still thirsty for knowledge.

In 31 days of sobriety I have already noticed improvement in our love life. Putting all the imagery I have stored in my porn addled brain away and focusing on having sex with my wife (and not just using her as a masterbatory vagina) has proven to be exceedingly more pleasurable than the corrupted sex I was forcing on her in the past. In only 31 days I am already learning not to objectify her and to appreciate HER sexual attributes without any artificial enhancement supplied by porn imagery, so, YAY ME !!!

But... I know I still have a long row to hoe. I know I am at a point where relapse is a constant concern. Thus far the temptation has not been too awfully bad. But I understand it can become accelerated. Hopefully if and when that time arrives I have resources in place to fight it. To continue to Honor the Ultimatum. I do not want to lose my wife.

I suppose that's enough for now.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Hi. Steve, Porn Junkie, 32 days sober.

Here is a daily affirmation I review every morning which lays out guidelines for how I treat my lovely wife. Helps me not to act out among doing other things which negatively affect our marriage. Maybe you guys can make use of it too. It is specific to my wife and I, but just alter the Steve specific words to fit your situation.

DAILY Affirmation​

• Say Hi to God, (or whomever you consider your higher power). Let Him know you want Him with you, and are willing to accept His discipline, and apply it to your daily life. Let Him know you appreciate His guidance and that you understand you cannot begin to repair this situation without Him. Put Him first, HER next, you last.
• Swallow your pride. Every minute, every day. Foolish male pride places you above all others and prevents you from seeing how SHE feels. Her feelings MUST take precedence over yours. She didn’t damage your spirit to the point of nearly being unrepairable. YOU did that to HER.
• DO NOT gaslight her. YOU did this. SHE is innocent. DO NOT try to shift blame to her in order to provide some silly sense of false exoneration for yourself. What you did can NOT be expunged. She may heal, and your job is to help facilitate her healing, but she will ALWAYS bear the scars from the wounds YOU inflicted. When you gaslight her, you rip the stitches out of her wounds and reverse what healing that may have already occurred.
• Own It. Be aware (as much is possible) of how you have hurt her. DO NOT use this as an excuse for self-pity. It isn’t about healing YOU. Yeah, you must work on yourself, absolutely, every day. But you must exist in a constant state of empathy for her. Put yourself in her place as often as you can. Try to feel what she feels. Let HER pain into YOUR heart.
• Control Your Temper. “Be angry and sin not.” If you direct your anger (which is indeed usually unwarranted) toward her, you are gas lighting her. DON’T... DO... IT… You have incurred HER wrath, as well as God’s. SHE has the right to be angry, you don’t. But if you are angry (and you will be), direct it at the one who is at fault. YOU... And Satan. You, because you KNEW what you were doing was wrong and hurtful, but you did it anyway, and Satan, for taking advantage of the situation to use YOU to INJURE YOUR WIFE. “Be angry and sin not.” If you direct your anger toward her, you are falling back into Satan’s trap, and reopening her wounds.
• Do your best to:
• Make her feel safe
• Make her feel cherished
• Make her feel attractive
• Make her feel loved

This will be hard, and will take TIME. You have lost her trust and she will at this point likely believe anything you do is just a smoke screen to placate her and keep her off your ass. Well, welcome her to jump your ass if she feels the need. But… LISTEN TO HER!!! Take what she says to heart. Wear whatever ass whipping she feels you deserve. She wore your ass whipping for 14 years. Wear hers now. Try to view her protests as CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM stemming from the fact that she still loves you in spite of what you have done to her. View it this way regardless of how angry her delivery may be. After all, if she is STILL HERE, she is still giving you the chance to repent and try to keep her… So, perhaps if she sees you actually trying to consider HER and her feelings above your own, trust may SLOWLY begin to grow... Drips… You lose trust in bucketful’s, you regain it by drips. Creating those drips are your daily task. Embrace it. You kicked the bucket over, YOU have to fill it again. SHE IS WORTH THE EFFORT. And remember, you have proven yourself to be a chronic liar, therefore your words mean precisely “DICK”. She has to SEE that you are protecting her, she has to see that you cherish her. She has to SEE that you find her attractive. She has to SEE and FEEL your love for her. Let no opportunity to prove these things to her pass you by.

• Re-sensitize. Stop objectifying her. The porn has desensitized you and taught you to respond to unnatural affections. UNLEARN that shit. Learn to enjoy HER and not some batch of screen shots filed away in the porn soaked recesses of your addled brain. SHE IS ENJOYABLE. Being with HER IS more pleasurable than any of the false imagery you have trained your brain to respond to. Once you have seen how good it is to actually enjoy her, FIND OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO INSURE SHE ENJOYS YOU… Stop being selfish, sex is for her as much as it is for you. She wants to enjoy it as well. Learn what she expects and desires from a sexual encounter with you. It will be a new and exciting experience, since you likely never really pleased her to begin with. But remember to go slow, don’t be forceful and give her time. She is most likely not romantically inclined toward you at this point. Work on cultivating that inclination in her. BE PATIENT!!
• Forgive yourself. No, this is not self-serving. It is necessary to begin helping HER heal. If you waste time wallowing in the mire of what you allowed yourself to become then you CANNOT help facilitate her healing. Yes, accept and acknowledge the fact that you became a despicable, self-centered, sub-human, sadistic miscreant. NEVER forget that. BUT… Embrace the fact that you HAVE accepted that reality and are working toward changing it, otherwise you will be prone to bouts of self-pity, which is highly unattractive to her, and enforces her belief that you are unable to protect her, care for her and love her, since you only seem interested in protecting yourself. You cannot empathize with her if you are busy pitying yourself. So… STOP IT!! Forgive yourself, move on (from the self-pity) and concentrate on relieving HER pain.
• Listen. Make her feel that her words are important to you. Do that by making sure THEY ARE important to you. Don’t just nod agreement and hope she shuts up soon. Take her words to heart, try to understand what she means. Sometimes she just wants to vent and does not require you to offer a solution or answer, sometimes she desperately seeks an answer from you. It is hard to tell the difference at times. You will make mistakes. BUT... Don’t get riled when you do. Back up, re-group and do your best to provide her with what she needs. You WILL fail at times, but perhaps if she sees the effort you put forth she will forgive the errors in your judgment and appreciate the fact that you want her to feel attended to.
• Persevere. This list is not something you must do for a week, a month, a year or a decade. It is what you must do THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you are not religiously consistent in exercising these protocols you will NEVER regain her trust. Yes, you will fall short at times, you are after all human. But when you do, man up, admit your mistake and continue to work toward achieving your goal, which is to restore your wife’s spirit and heal your broken marriage.
• Allow this list to grow. As you continue to learn, add any method you come upon that you feel beneficial to your cause to this list. Pay attention to your wife’s suggestions as well. When she expresses a concern that you have not yet considered, add it to this list. And… Make performing the tasks on this list a pleasure, not a burden. This should not be drudgery, it should be a pleasurable activity. Every smile you see filter across her face should act as a catalyst to encourage you to continue the good work. But ALSO. Every frown you see on her face or tear you see in her eye should ALSO act as a catalyst to encourage you to continue the good work. If you love your wife, then you will love performing the tasks which facilitate her healing. Do not give up, even when it seems it is not working. Let her see your strength. At all times. Through both the smiles and the tears.
• Summary: Pray, Swallow your pride, do not gaslight, own your mistakes, control your temper, make her feel safe, cherished, attractive and loved, re-sensitize, forgive yourself, listen, persevere, grow…

Hope this helps

 

[Onmyway19]

Hi. Steve, Porn Junkie, 32 days sober.

Here is a daily affirmation I review every morning which lays out guidelines for how I treat my lovely wife. Helps me not to act out among doing other things which negatively affect our marriage. Maybe you guys can make use of it too. It is specific to my wife and I, but just alter the Steve specific words to fit your situation.

DAILY Affirmation​

• Say Hi to God, (or whomever you consider your higher power). Let Him know you want Him with you, and are willing to accept His discipline, and apply it to your daily life. Let Him know you appreciate His guidance and that you understand you cannot begin to repair this situation without Him. Put Him first, HER next, you last.
• Swallow your pride. Every minute, every day. Foolish male pride places you above all others and prevents you from seeing how SHE feels. Her feelings MUST take precedence over yours. She didn’t damage your spirit to the point of nearly being unrepairable. YOU did that to HER.
• DO NOT gaslight her. YOU did this. SHE is innocent. DO NOT try to shift blame to her in order to provide some silly sense of false exoneration for yourself. What you did can NOT be expunged. She may heal, and your job is to help facilitate her healing, but she will ALWAYS bear the scars from the wounds YOU inflicted. When you gaslight her, you rip the stitches out of her wounds and reverse what healing that may have already occurred.
• Own It. Be aware (as much is possible) of how you have hurt her. DO NOT use this as an excuse for self-pity. It isn’t about healing YOU. Yeah, you must work on yourself, absolutely, every day. But you must exist in a constant state of empathy for her. Put yourself in her place as often as you can. Try to feel what she feels. Let HER pain into YOUR heart.
• Control Your Temper. “Be angry and sin not.” If you direct your anger (which is indeed usually unwarranted) toward her, you are gas lighting her. DON’T... DO... IT… You have incurred HER wrath, as well as God’s. SHE has the right to be angry, you don’t. But if you are angry (and you will be), direct it at the one who is at fault. YOU... And Satan. You, because you KNEW what you were doing was wrong and hurtful, but you did it anyway, and Satan, for taking advantage of the situation to use YOU to INJURE YOUR WIFE. “Be angry and sin not.” If you direct your anger toward her, you are falling back into Satan’s trap, and reopening her wounds.
• Do your best to:
• Make her feel safe
• Make her feel cherished
• Make her feel attractive
• Make her feel loved

This will be hard, and will take TIME. You have lost her trust and she will at this point likely believe anything you do is just a smoke screen to placate her and keep her off your ass. Well, welcome her to jump your ass if she feels the need. But… LISTEN TO HER!!! Take what she says to heart. Wear whatever ass whipping she feels you deserve. She wore your ass whipping for 14 years. Wear hers now. Try to view her protests as CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM stemming from the fact that she still loves you in spite of what you have done to her. View it this way regardless of how angry her delivery may be. After all, if she is STILL HERE, she is still giving you the chance to repent and try to keep her… So, perhaps if she sees you actually trying to consider HER and her feelings above your own, trust may SLOWLY begin to grow... Drips… You lose trust in bucketful’s, you regain it by drips. Creating those drips are your daily task. Embrace it. You kicked the bucket over, YOU have to fill it again. SHE IS WORTH THE EFFORT. And remember, you have proven yourself to be a chronic liar, therefore your words mean precisely “DICK”. She has to SEE that you are protecting her, she has to see that you cherish her. She has to SEE that you find her attractive. She has to SEE and FEEL your love for her. Let no opportunity to prove these things to her pass you by.

• Re-sensitize. Stop objectifying her. The porn has desensitized you and taught you to respond to unnatural affections. UNLEARN that shit. Learn to enjoy HER and not some batch of screen shots filed away in the porn soaked recesses of your addled brain. SHE IS ENJOYABLE. Being with HER IS more pleasurable than any of the false imagery you have trained your brain to respond to. Once you have seen how good it is to actually enjoy her, FIND OUT WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO INSURE SHE ENJOYS YOU… Stop being selfish, sex is for her as much as it is for you. She wants to enjoy it as well. Learn what she expects and desires from a sexual encounter with you. It will be a new and exciting experience, since you likely never really pleased her to begin with. But remember to go slow, don’t be forceful and give her time. She is most likely not romantically inclined toward you at this point. Work on cultivating that inclination in her. BE PATIENT!!
• Forgive yourself. No, this is not self-serving. It is necessary to begin helping HER heal. If you waste time wallowing in the mire of what you allowed yourself to become then you CANNOT help facilitate her healing. Yes, accept and acknowledge the fact that you became a despicable, self-centered, sub-human, sadistic miscreant. NEVER forget that. BUT… Embrace the fact that you HAVE accepted that reality and are working toward changing it, otherwise you will be prone to bouts of self-pity, which is highly unattractive to her, and enforces her belief that you are unable to protect her, care for her and love her, since you only seem interested in protecting yourself. You cannot empathize with her if you are busy pitying yourself. So… STOP IT!! Forgive yourself, move on (from the self-pity) and concentrate on relieving HER pain.
• Listen. Make her feel that her words are important to you. Do that by making sure THEY ARE important to you. Don’t just nod agreement and hope she shuts up soon. Take her words to heart, try to understand what she means. Sometimes she just wants to vent and does not require you to offer a solution or answer, sometimes she desperately seeks an answer from you. It is hard to tell the difference at times. You will make mistakes. BUT... Don’t get riled when you do. Back up, re-group and do your best to provide her with what she needs. You WILL fail at times, but perhaps if she sees the effort you put forth she will forgive the errors in your judgment and appreciate the fact that you want her to feel attended to.
• Persevere. This list is not something you must do for a week, a month, a year or a decade. It is what you must do THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you are not religiously consistent in exercising these protocols you will NEVER regain her trust. Yes, you will fall short at times, you are after all human. But when you do, man up, admit your mistake and continue to work toward achieving your goal, which is to restore your wife’s spirit and heal your broken marriage.
• Allow this list to grow. As you continue to learn, add any method you come upon that you feel beneficial to your cause to this list. Pay attention to your wife’s suggestions as well. When she expresses a concern that you have not yet considered, add it to this list. And… Make performing the tasks on this list a pleasure, not a burden. This should not be drudgery, it should be a pleasurable activity. Every smile you see filter across her face should act as a catalyst to encourage you to continue the good work. But ALSO. Every frown you see on her face or tear you see in her eye should ALSO act as a catalyst to encourage you to continue the good work. If you love your wife, then you will love performing the tasks which facilitate her healing. Do not give up, even when it seems it is not working. Let her see your strength. At all times. Through both the smiles and the tears.
• Summary: Pray, Swallow your pride, do not gaslight, own your mistakes, control your temper, make her feel safe, cherished, attractive and loved, re-sensitize, forgive yourself, listen, persevere, grow…

Hope this helps

I actually really needed to see this. Thank you. Not because I'm not aware of these things. More of a kick in the seat. Especially the part about forgiveness to ourselves and containing our temper. I can't be the man she needs full of shame and guilt. I can't provide the home my family needs, when I'm shouting about something that can be conveyed in other ways. 2 area I definitely have improved but still have far to go.

Thank you for you thorough input. It will be an extremely useful tool for many here.

 

[Phineas 808]

Hi, Steve! I like your writing style, very relatable.

I like what you say above in your affirmations. I appreciate about letting your wife feel what she needs to feel in the moment. Early on in my journey, I all but expected my wife to 'get over it' all too soon. But we need to give them the right to take as long as they need to heal. Yes, forgiveness, blah blah, but that hurt just doesn't go away overnight, and sometimes over years.

To this day if I'm on the computer in my office (which is often), I'll have the door open most times to signal trustworthiness to her. I did take my struggles off her radar over the years, simply because I don't feel that she should be unduly burdened with what I feel is a uniquely male fight, exceptions notwithstanding.

I know each couple's story is different, and their relationship unique- but I like how you're serving your wife and her interests in a truly protective way, despite how painful being transparent and vulnerable can be.

I hope to be a support in your efforts to learn about addictions and how to beat this one in particular.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Hi, Steve! I like your writing style, very relatable.

I like what you say above in your affirmations. I appreciate about letting your wife feel what she needs to feel in the moment. Early on in my journey, I all but expected my wife to 'get over it' all too soon. But we need to give them the right to take as long as they need to heal. Yes, forgiveness, blah blah, but that hurt just doesn't go away overnight, and sometimes over years.

To this day if I'm on the computer in my office (which is often), I'll have the door open most times to signal trustworthiness to her. I did take my struggles off her radar over the years, simply because I don't feel that she should be unduly burdened with what I feel is a uniquely male fight, exceptions notwithstanding.

I know each couple's story is different, and their relationship unique- but I like how you're serving your wife and her interests in a truly protective way, despite how painful being transparent and vulnerable can be.

I hope to be a support in your efforts to learn about addictions and how to beat this one in particular.

Thanks Bro. I'm listening to a lot of audiobooks on audible that she suggested. Trying to understand both the depths of MY problem, and how deeply it has affected her. I Appreciate your support, we all need encouragement. At first I expected that from her, but after one realizes how injured she is, well, it's like expecting a person with 2 broken arms to bandage your wounds. Especially considering the broken arms are your fault. (note: just a metaphor, I don't hurt her physically). Point being, this forum is great in that we can EFFECTIVELY encourage each other, because we each understand what the other is going through.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Hi. Steve. Former porn junkie. Day 33 of sobriety.

I say FORMER porn junkie because in my thinking if I continue to call myself a porn junkie, how am I ever gonna stop being a porn junkie.

Mark 11:23-24​

23 “Truly I tell you, if anyone SAYS to this mountain, ‘Go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.
24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

Words are POWERFUL. Whatever idiot coined that phrase about sticks and stones and the powerlessness of words is full of doo doo. How did God create the universe? He SPOKE it into existence. God SAID "Let there be light", and there was light. WORDS ARE POWERFUL. They can create, they can destroy. I have to be mindful what I say about myself, and what I say to my wife.

So I shall from this point forward refer to myself as either a FORMER pornaholic, or perhaps a RECOVERING pornaholic, because I STOPPED being a pornaholic 33 days ago.

Now, if referring to YOURSELF as an addict is the set of WORDS from which you derive the strength to carry on and fight the good fight, then by all means don't let what I just said derail you. We all differ in our perception of personal effective method. Perhaps referring to yourself in that manner is the mouthful of bitter herbs you need to remind you of where you were and help prevent you from regressing. If so, then carry on. You are still tapping into the power of words, you're just approaching it from the opposite side of the spectrum from me. If it works, do it...

Sorry to get so wordy. I get a head full of thoughts and I just gotta let 'em out!

Persevere Brothers !!!

 

[Phineas 808]

Dude, you are the cat's meow! That's exactly the situation I think that folk overcoming their addictions need to consider, identity- and how we word things.

Just as you said, we create our world, just as God did. We are after all created in His image, and He instilled in us the ability to shape our reality, and (hopefully) align ourselves with His Image (Christ-Logos).

Like yourself, I don't call myself an addict. I know I can become addicted if I allow certain habits to reoccur, reinforce, and repeat- but even if we find ourselves down, that's not who we really are, and we can change- even in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye!

 

[The Tunesmith]

Day 34. Last night was good. After spending time with my wife watching the tube, tending our pet bunny rabbits and just hanging out together in general she dozed off and I stayed up 'til nearly 5 AM composing music. I used to be a drummer but genetic back problems wont allow me to play anymore, so I focus on composing. It's a glorified hobby which I probably take to seriously, but, when I'm writing I can be relatively certain nothing is gonna trigger me. It's a blessing. Nothing new to report on the former porn junkie front, aside from the PIED seems to get a tiny bit better each day. It never got so bad I couldn't have sex, but I wanna have them hard-ons you could drive a 16 penny nail into a petrified stump with!!! LOL...
Enough for the moment.
Persevere Brothers

 

[The Tunesmith]

I am sorry. I am a prince among creeps. I am the worst creep on here. I have no right to try to advise any of you. please disregard anything I have posted. According to the source I am SUPPOSED to be listening to, you guys are standard perverts, I am so far advanced in my pervosity I make you guys look like one of the disciples by comparison. Perhaps this is not the forum for me. Perhaps one of those forums where all you can post publicly is name/days porn free/hallelujah because the first time I asked a question seeking advice it just made me look like a bigger pervert to her. I am sorry if I caused any of you to decline or revert back.
Persevere Brothers

 

[Phineas 808]

May I ask what happened? We're all here to help each other, and we each have something to contribute. I'm sure I was offering advice on day-1. In fact helping others is a way to help ourselves.

Edit: assuming that it was something 'here' on Reboot Nation?

 

[Onmyway19]

I can't really tell if this is sincere or condescending. I hope it's sincere, if so, don't be so hard on yourself. It is a forum after all. It's meant for asking questions, getting and giving advice. But we don't get to decide what or when our partners are " offended" by. We hurt them. Might they be offended by something you meant as harmless, doesn't take that pain away.

If condescending, I really think that's a better conversation for those involved. I'm no marriage counselor, and let's face it, far from any kind of expert. Made plenty of my own fuck ups and will continue to, to some degree. I do know, nothing will get solved that way. Breeding contempt and resentment will make rebuilding trust and love that much more difficult. You wrote an incredible guideline to restoring a relationship. I know that you know what it takes.

My reboot has been an incredibly humbling experience. For the 1st time in my life (that's really sad to say) I'm really taking a hard look at how my actions effect others. It's not always been pleasant to see, but I'm a better man for it.

This too shall pass friend. Talk to your wife, with empathy and humility. Continue to come here to interact, pose questions, and yes, even offer advice. Nobody here is an expert. Nobody has it all figured out. But, we will all support and encourage your recovery. Your relationship recovery as well as your P use. Keep Fighting

 

[The Tunesmith]

May I ask what happened? We're all here to help each other, and we each have something to contribute. I'm sure I was offering advice on day-1. In fact helping others is a way to help ourselves.

Edit: assuming that it was something 'here' on Reboot Nation?

See my post on the Porn Addiction forum with the trigger warning in the title. She saw that post. Took it wrong and bar b qued my ass.

 

[The Tunesmith]

It's sincere Bro. Boy is it sincere.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Look guys, it was nothing any of you said. My wife has access to everything I do on line. I asked a question in a post I made with a trigger warning in the title. She saw it and took it the wrong way and got mad/hurt. So... I am afraid to talk openly about my problem now because if I word something wrong. So. This forum is rendered useless to me now. Pity. I was enjoying the fellowship. But as she pointed out again, I am the worst pervert on the planet and since I am a special pervert I shouldn't ask for or give advice.

 

[The Tunesmith]

Steve. Addict. Day 35. Hallelujah. End of transmission.
Persevere

 

[GrateClips]

Look guys, it was nothing any of you said. My wife has access to everything I do on line. I asked a question in a post I made with a trigger warning in the title. She saw it and took it the wrong way and got mad/hurt. So... I am afraid to talk openly about my problem now because if I word something wrong. So. This forum is rendered useless to me now. Pity. I was enjoying the fellowship. But as she pointed out again, I am the worst pervert on the planet and since I am a special pervert I shouldn't ask for or give advice.

do you not have access to internet on your own? i actually think the fellowship would do you good. i think your wife is wrong. anyone can give advice, good advice even if they themselves are not perfect. following one's own good advice is a totally different subject matter. new here but i wish you the best

 

[The Tunesmith]

do you not have access to internet on your own? i actually think the fellowship would do you good. i think your wife is wrong. anyone can give advice, good advice even if they themselves are not perfect. following one's own good advice is a totally different subject matter. new here but i wish you the best

Thanks... And... No. I have no internet access aside from the devices she has monitoring software on. This is a protocol that I approved. Makes her an accountability partner. I will not under any circumstance try to have access to the internet which she can't monitor. That's my rule, not hers.

 

[The Tunesmith]

May I ask what happened? We're all here to help each other, and we each have something to contribute. I'm sure I was offering advice on day-1. In fact helping others is a way to help ourselves.

Edit: assuming that it was something 'here' on Reboot Nation?

Nothing that happened her on RN. You guys are cool.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear this Tunesmith. Don't be too hard on yourself though, shame either from you or her will get you nowhere. Obviously she's understandably hurt, but shaming you to control you is not the answer, two wrongs don't make a right.

You're not a pervert, period, and I would not let anyone call me that.

Gook luck sir, and keep on fighting the fight.

I wish you both the best.

 

[TryingHarder]

But as she pointed out again, I am the worst pervert on the planet and since I am a special pervert I shouldn't ask for or give advice.

That's like a cop saying a criminal doesn't have the right to a lawyer. Anybody who is trying to break an addiction needs help and support. You should ask for advice, that's why we're all here - to help each other with an addiction that is fought alone 99% of the time. Like Blondie says, two wrongs don't make a right. Shaming you to control you won't end well.

I know, I'm just some anonymous guy on a forum and we've never met and this is weird. Hope that you can continue your reboot, stay clean, and find what you're looking for.