The Tunesmith
Member
Hi. My name is Steve and I am on day 31 of my sobriety after 20 years of addiction. I named my journal "Honoring the Ultimatum" because I was indeed given one (I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has) by my wife of 14 years. I'm 59 and she is 46, so there's that. The age difference isn't an issue for her (or me) in the traditional sense, but my porn induced E.D is. Coupled with my advanced age it goes without saying that our sex life has been severely compromised.
The Ultimatum was actually presented to me nearly 7 months ago, but I didn't become fully porn free until last month. I was using substitute materials (pix on Pinterest) as a sort of porn junkie's methadone, and also relapsed into hard core stuff several times over the course of those 7 months, so 31 days sober is where things stand for me at this point. She was gracious and forgiving enough to allow me those relapses, but she finally put her foot down and said "NO MORE", and placed monitoring software on all my devices. Glad she did. It sort of makes her an accountability partner, albeit a biased one.
About me. I am a former funeral director/embalmer, disabled due to genetic spinal disorders. Still able to walk, just too weak to perform my job any longer. I have been a musician (drummer/keyboards) since I was 13 years old. Can't play drums anymore due to the disability, so my musical boner gets it's orgasm via composition. Have over 30 songs written and recorded thus far.
I am on my last leg marriage-wise, as in if my wife catches me using again she will most likely walk.
I am in couples therapy at the moment and I am also looking for a CSAT as well. I am devouring audio books on the subject of addiction and have already learned a lot, and I am still thirsty for knowledge.
In 31 days of sobriety I have already noticed improvement in our love life. Putting all the imagery I have stored in my porn addled brain away and focusing on having sex with my wife (and not just using her as a masterbatory vagina) has proven to be exceedingly more pleasurable than the corrupted sex I was forcing on her in the past. In only 31 days I am already learning not to objectify her and to appreciate HER sexual attributes without any artificial enhancement supplied by porn imagery, so, YAY ME !!!
But... I know I still have a long row to hoe. I know I am at a point where relapse is a constant concern. Thus far the temptation has not been too awfully bad. But I understand it can become accelerated. Hopefully if and when that time arrives I have resources in place to fight it. To continue to Honor the Ultimatum. I do not want to lose my wife.
I suppose that's enough for now.
The Ultimatum was actually presented to me nearly 7 months ago, but I didn't become fully porn free until last month. I was using substitute materials (pix on Pinterest) as a sort of porn junkie's methadone, and also relapsed into hard core stuff several times over the course of those 7 months, so 31 days sober is where things stand for me at this point. She was gracious and forgiving enough to allow me those relapses, but she finally put her foot down and said "NO MORE", and placed monitoring software on all my devices. Glad she did. It sort of makes her an accountability partner, albeit a biased one.
About me. I am a former funeral director/embalmer, disabled due to genetic spinal disorders. Still able to walk, just too weak to perform my job any longer. I have been a musician (drummer/keyboards) since I was 13 years old. Can't play drums anymore due to the disability, so my musical boner gets it's orgasm via composition. Have over 30 songs written and recorded thus far.
I am on my last leg marriage-wise, as in if my wife catches me using again she will most likely walk.
I am in couples therapy at the moment and I am also looking for a CSAT as well. I am devouring audio books on the subject of addiction and have already learned a lot, and I am still thirsty for knowledge.
In 31 days of sobriety I have already noticed improvement in our love life. Putting all the imagery I have stored in my porn addled brain away and focusing on having sex with my wife (and not just using her as a masterbatory vagina) has proven to be exceedingly more pleasurable than the corrupted sex I was forcing on her in the past. In only 31 days I am already learning not to objectify her and to appreciate HER sexual attributes without any artificial enhancement supplied by porn imagery, so, YAY ME !!!
But... I know I still have a long row to hoe. I know I am at a point where relapse is a constant concern. Thus far the temptation has not been too awfully bad. But I understand it can become accelerated. Hopefully if and when that time arrives I have resources in place to fight it. To continue to Honor the Ultimatum. I do not want to lose my wife.
I suppose that's enough for now.