Striving to be better (journal)

Chuckles

Active Member
Ok if anyone is reading this thread I'm gonna throw a weird question around here.

While going into shower today I noticed my left testicle was quite bigger than the right one. It was also hanging lower than the right one. The right testicle was sort of more put together. While when I touched the left one it felt as if it has contents inside it?? I don't really know. Sort of confused about this.

Sometime after the shower I checked again and the difference between size has gotten smaller but the left one is still bigger. Is this normal? Should I worry?
I got checked last year. I have lumps, but they did an ultrasound and said they're not cancerous. It was really scary between my urologist telling me that I had lumps on my balls and a swollen prostate, and getting the results.
See a doctor, that's the only way you'll know for sure.
 
I got checked last year. I have lumps, but they did an ultrasound and said they're not cancerous. It was really scary between my urologist telling me that I had lumps on my balls and a swollen prostate, and getting the results.
See a doctor, that's the only way you'll know for sure.
I'll keep that in mind.
 
Ended up watch some p (pics) of a few random and searched for a specific pstar. Stopped before anything could have happened. Went to take a shower. Temptation was too high but didn't do anything. Should this be count as a relapse?
 
Day 13: Clean (No PMO)

Ended up waking up at 3 am and didn't wanted to sleep. So watched a movie. It had some mild soft sexual scenes which I ignored mostly. It didn't affected me and the movie was enjoyable as I did fell asleep after it finished.

Anyway on my personal progress, getting in touch with my feelings has helped. I've been thinking before taking any actions and now able to distinguish between thoughts of my own or telling if my mind is just looking for a hit by trying to make me feel whatever it needs to make me feel (negative) so I will want to escape that feeling.

Also I'm trying to figure out in general my own personal views on sex/intimacy/relationships which is a really complicated thing I realized. But I don't know. I do need to have an idea of what I want before (considering if) I become involved with someone.
 
Day 14: Clean...? (No PMO)

But had a wet dream. I don't think it counts as a relapse right?

Yesterday was really stressful for some personal reasons I won't get into but I still managed to control myself and didn't use any kind of artificial stimulation. Although when I went to sleep I did felt really horny. I used to feel horny before too but this was one of those nights which I guess u guys can figure out.

Anyways the wet dream wasn't about porn video or anything, it was just some random girls and I woke up just as I came. It was weird.
 

ladysudan

Member
Day 14: Clean...? (No PMO)

But had a wet dream. I don't think it counts as a relapse right?

Yesterday was really stressful for some personal reasons I won't get into but I still managed to control myself and didn't use any kind of artificial stimulation. Although when I went to sleep I did felt really horny. I used to feel horny before too but this was one of those nights which I guess u guys can figure out.

Anyways the wet dream wasn't about porn video or anything, it was just some random girls and I woke up just as I came. It was weird.
2 weeks ! YAY!!!
 
Day 15,16: Clean (No PMO)

Not many thoughts to offer beside I've been feeling more in control over my thoughts and life in general.

Although I have to say there are times I feel a little bit more irritated and angry. I think I need to understand and control these emotions and not have such a strong reaction to any negativity in my life.
 

Chuckles

Active Member
Ended up watch some p (pics) of a few random and searched for a specific pstar. Stopped before anything could have happened. Went to take a shower. Temptation was too high but didn't do anything. Should this be count as a relapse?
I had an incident similar to this a little while back. I searched, saw the search results, and immediately closed the browser. I didn't count it as a day reset, but also, you definitely need to do some soul searching, and recommit to quitting.
 
Day 20: Clean (No PMO)

Hasn't updated this thread because I've been busy with exams.

So the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks have been less and less in the past few days. I actually don't care about them at all. I have more control over them now then they had on me. The thing is I'm more focused on building a better life for myself now and porn has no place in it.

and @Chuckles Sorry for replying so late. I understand what you're saying. That search thing was a mistake and it never lead to anything but I know one can't be more careful. Also I've been always committed to quitting.

Anyway I know this is the kind of place when people reach they think they are getting better. Well tbh you are getting better. But to anyone who thinks they have been cured, "That isn't true at all".

If anyone still experiences any kind of temptation or just want to test themselves against porn or get a peek over anything of similar nature. STOP.
Because that will lead to failure. How do I know? Because this journal isn't my first time. I've been trying for past 2 years and I've failed many time before reaching this place. I'm not saying that you also have to fail so many times. I'm just sharing my experience.

I've been through things people go through when they relapse and wonder how it happened. It's always front in of our eyes and our brain always knows what we are doing. All it matters is you have a better self control and you need to keep reminding yourself of why you are doing this (which is what I do nowadays when I feel tempted).

Also if anyone thinks they are not gonna need porn one day then I'd have to say that'll be a stupid thing. Because psychologically our brain will always seek novelty and porn is an easy one. Also it has affected us once so it won't take much for it to affect us again. But I don't think that should bring anyone down as you can train urself for better. You'll just have to stop seeing any value in this kind of novelty. Think of it as something you don't want to do at all even if it's pleasurable for someone else.

As an example I don't smoke that much just because my friends do. They see some value in it which I don't. It's a really easy decision for me to not do this but it may not be an easy decision for them.

But anyway what I said is just a personal observation. It doesn't apply on everyone. Our personalities also affects our decision making capabilities. So it will be different for everyone. The thing is there are lots of nuances in these things which I don't think I have enough knowledge and energy to address. But I have left a vague idea of what I was trying to get at in this post and maybe people who read this can figure out things from their own personal point-of-view as to why they see value in porn to use it and maybe abuse it (I used to).
 
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