hi, i’m chap :)

chap

Member
hello rebootnation,

i’m chap. at least that’s the anonymous name i’ll be going by. like all of you, i am finally making the call to reboot. right now, i am really unsure of how i want and need to go about this. i’ve done research, but not enough. i’m motivated, but lack the conviction to resist temptation. as i write this message out, i can not help but think about PMO.

i began to engage with PMO around the age of 11/12 and have continued to do so now at the age of 20 (on my way to 21 soon). tbh, i definitely discovered P even earlier, but i had not engaged in PMO until the age mentioned earlier. throughout the years i have developed certain sexual tastes, preferences, and fetishizes which have made it really hard to resist. i mainly have a leg/foot fetish, asian fetish, and hentai fetish. for a long time, i have saved hundreds to hundreds of material: pornographic, animated (hentai), and real-life people who exist in the current world and in my life. within the last month, i got rid of roughly 80% of this bank. but i have around a remaining 20% that exists in the form of photos and accounts to a handful of P subs. what should i do with remaining 20%, i don’t know what to do!

i want to say that i am getting hit hard with the chaser effect. i can’t go more than 2 days without PMO. my triggers are obviously the fetishes i mentioned above, and also the people i may see or think about who i have MO’d to before, on a regular basis. i am really uncertain of how to go about rebooting. like i don’t know if i can completely cut out PMO yet. what if i just MO’d and focus on separating from P initially? but then, would it be considered relapse if i imagined the things i often MO to (like scenes from P that i like, mental images of pictures i have MO’d to [including people i know in real life], pictures of hentai)? i would really appreciate it if some of you folks give me your two cents.

to end this first journal on a high note. i KNOW that i will MAKE IT THROUGH THIS! it isn’t going to be an easy journey, there will be highs and lows. but i know that with time and commitment, i will be able to stand on top, VICTORIOUS!

i am currently in my third year of community college with hopes to transfer to a four year someday, i have been employed at a food establishment for 2+ years, have social connections with friends, family, coworkers, and teammates, i am a student-athlete (distance runner) and engage in physical exercise six times a week, i have hobbies that i really enjoy such as drawing, writing stories, watching videos of my favorite k-pop group TWICE, watching movies, playing video games, watching anime, reading manga, learning Japanese (hopefully Korean in the near future), and making music to name a few.

i hope this post gives you all a glimpse into who i am and i hope that you will be able to help me in this journey. i will do my best to be supportive in your reboot as well. WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER!
 

chap

Member
4:44PM, 13 June 2022, DAY 0

shortly after uploading my first post on my reboot journal/thread, i immediately engaged in PMO. i had already known what i was going to do it to. i feel like i had decided way earlier while i was typing out my initial introductory post. i think i gave myself this window of opportunity to relapse because i thought to myself, "I can start 'fresh' with this digital rebootnation journal." regardless, my most recent streak of 1 day and 5 hours has been broken. my longest streak to date is 2 days, 17 hours, and 53 minutes.

i currently do not feel any sort of guilt from this relapse, maybe because i now have this digital journal to rely on. but i do feel, once again, a bit disappointed that i could not resist the temptation.

i did time myself though. 42 minutes. i'm going into my bank of photos and deleting 42 pictures/videos as payment for my relapse. i had planned this prior to engaging in PMO. i want to continue this practice so i can at least get something positive out of relapsing. i recently started therapy, and my therapist suggested that i schedule days on and off, where i engage in just MO and overtime delete the rest of my bank. i would open my bank and delete some material, then reward myself with just MO using just my imagination. that plan did not work at all. i opened my bank and immediately started engaging in PMO to the pictures and videos that i have. so when i meet with them again, we will reassess. this is where my idea of deleting based on how many minutes i engage came from. thought i'd just mention that.

what was my trigger this time? i can't quite remember, i feel like it's been too long now. but i do know that i have a snowball effect thought process. when a single thought of P or of somebody i know appears in my mind, it rolls down this hill and grows into the only thing i can think about, even being in the back of my thoughts as i do something else. (e.g. i was typing my introductory post but had the thoughts of engaging in PMO in the back of my head the whole time)

how was i feeling? i was not particularly bored, sad, angry, etc. but i did experience a bit of anxiety at one point before engaging in PMO and i told myself, "doing this will at least get me to stop being as anxious." or to some degree i thought that. but honestly, i just felt like i really wanted to do it. like lust and horniness i guess?

i'm going to get up and do some errands: ride my bike to go light grocery-shopping, go get my dog's their birthday and half-birthday cakes, and come back, shower, and start schoolwork. i appreciate if you read this far, since i type a lot. just like in real life. (i can be a chatbox)
 

chap

Member
10:15PM, 14 June 2022, DAY 1

i have made it one day with no PMO, i am content and do not have the urge for now. i really want to be aware of what i am feeling when those urges and temptations surge—i think detecting those feelings early may be able to help stop the engagement from even becoming a snowball-rolling thought.

i had a very productive, busy day which helped keep me occupied. i woke up at 5:45AM and made my breakfast that i’d have after practice. i ran nine miles today and felt good overall. i am having a little bit of discomfort in my knee. need to stretch and recover more. after practice i hung at school for a little bit, went to the trainer to get ice for my knee, then went to a coffee bean to study with a few team mates. i was there for a few hours then wen those to get ready for work. i just finished my shift and am getting ready for bed. i need to be in bed by 12:00AM latest. it’s already bad enough that, as a runner, i get roughly five to six hours of sleep. regardless, today kept me on my feet, literally!

i have therapy tomorrow, so i want to obviously discuss about my rebooting progress and how i relapsed quite often during last week. also mention the approach i have when i relapse and delete a certain amount of my bank relative to how long i engaged in PMO for. let’s see if i can get another two day streak!
 

chap

Member
11:18PM, 16 June 2022, DAY 3

officially set my new longest streak of no PMO! currently 3 days, 4 hours, and 41 minutes! fortunately, i have kept myself very occupied with cross country practice in the morning, school throughout the day, and then heading to work. i want to keep this going. i don’t want this recent accomplishment to allow me to “let go, restart, and aim for another new streak.” just because a new streak has been set, does not mean i’ll let myself go back to PMO. i’ll do my best to keep myself occupied with other things, like running and going to practice, studying, playing with my dogs, going to work, and hopefully start getting back into reading, drawing, writing, and music.

my therapy session yesterday went well. main takeaway for this week and the following week is to really focus on the thoughts and feelings i experience when i begin to think about engaging in PMO. we also discussed about searching for what the root causes of this behavior may be. one thing i have identified is the feeling of loneliness, which led to to this place of comfort and a feeling of belonging every time i engaged in PMO by myself. growing up, i never fully felt like i was a part of groups, etc. i looked different than a lot of the kids that i went to school with, but i sounded like them. i looked like my demographic, but i didn’t sound like them. i joined groups and teams at later times so never always felt like fully apart of the group. so i think that all these different types of scenarios developed this sense of loneliness. obviously, one place where i never “felt”bad for a short time was PMO. i’m falling asleep as i type this so i am going to call it quits for tonight.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
i'm going into my bank of photos and deleting 42 pictures/videos as payment for my relapse.
Welcome chap, and good work so far. However, what you really need to do is delete ALL of your porn. As long as you have porn stored on any of your devices, you will not beat the addiction. Keep talking to your therapist, and read this article about the dangers of merely reducing porn.

I also struggle with loneliness, and I think you will discover that the porn addiction is a symptom of poor mental health. As you have discovered, PMO is seductive: you feel like you belong there, nobody will reject you. But of course that's all an illusion: you're alone and fapping with girls that don't exist. :( Start working on ways to improve your mental health and the addiction will lose strength.
 

chap

Member
Welcome chap, and good work so far. However, what you really need to do is delete ALL of your porn. As long as you have porn stored on any of your devices, you will not beat the addiction. Keep talking to your therapist, and read this article about the dangers of merely reducing porn.

I also struggle with loneliness, and I think you will discover that the porn addiction is a symptom of poor mental health. As you have discovered, PMO is seductive: you feel like you belong there, nobody will reject you. But of course that's all an illusion: you're alone and fapping with girls that don't exist. :( Start working on ways to improve your mental health and the addiction will lose strength.
hey @TryingHarder i really appreciate your constructive advice! i really feel like i needed to hear that. i’m hesitant to even open that bank since i don’t want to PMO, regardless it will be gone soon. i’m going to read that article! thank you again! 🙏
 
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chap

Member
10:47AM, 17 June 2022, Day 3 Hour 18 Minute 8

currently experiencing some major withdrawal symptoms imo. i was doing yard work outside then suddenly thought of a certain P actress. i have a very descriptive imagination, so i’ve been visualizing them very clearly in my head. i really don’t know if i can resist, and im home alone!

i did 100 jumping jacks hoping that would clear my mind, but as i type this out, i feel like i can’t go on with my day unless i engage in PMO.

what are some things that you folks do to help resist PMO when you feel like it is the only option for you to do? i think for now i’m going to take a cold shower, grab my bike, and get out of the house.

man i can’t stop thinking of anything other than P and images of people i know!
 

chap

Member
2:54PM, 17 June 2022, DAY 0

unfortunately, i caved into my cravings and broke my streak. however, i set my longest streak to date, 3 Days 19 Hours 44 Minutes! i am still extremely impressed and feel accomplished with this recent feat. i will not let my relapse redetermine my path, i am on course and have no desire to go back to P.

in my relapse, there was something i was able to accomplish as well. to my knowledge, my bank is 100% cleared and will no longer be available as a means to relapse. i pretty much spent the last two and a half hours deleting nearly 10,000 images, gifs, videos, and accounts all together. @TryingHarder provided me with some important advice which was enough to get that ball rolling. they also provided a link to an article regarding the risks and danger of reduced, intermittent P usage, especially while rebooting! that was what i needed to get rid of everything all together. part of me feels some regret, because now i am worried about the potential withdrawal effects i am going to experience. but it is going to happen regardless, so i might as well make my chances of not relapsing as close to one hundred as i can.

my life is more than just P. i am the captain of my ship, and i will continue to sail forward despite the treacherous waters i may face.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Think of it this way: all you have to lose is wasted time and a bunch of files that aren't providing you with happiness. All you have to gain is getting your life back.

Read as many threads on this forum as you can. Read as many articles about porn addiction as you can. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. Because knowledge is power.

Do whatever it takes for the next month to break up the usual habits that lead you back to porn. Turn off your cell phone, limit your screen time, spend time with friends, exercise, do a huge jigsaw puzzle, whatever it takes.

Stay strong, stay focused. Good luck!
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
Oh, and if you need some scary encouragement, think about this: I've been addicted to porn longer than you've been alive. That's why it's so important that you break the addiction while you're still young.
 

SimonM

Member
You are now stronger for your next streak. Deleting that bank is so hard - because we invested so much in creating it (at least I did). But it really IS key to get rid of it. You have to have the mindest that you are done for good. You may, and probably will, fail again - but not because you kept a stash for yourself. We all know the "stash" is always there in the cloud... that's out of our control. But we should control what we can and build form there. In the past I used porn filters and that helped me for a while - currently I don't - but it's something that could be a next step.

Let's talk again in 4 days when you have your longest streak yet :)
 

downhillfromhere

Active Member
in my relapse, there was something i was able to accomplish as well. to my knowledge, my bank is 100% cleared and will no longer be available as a means to relapse. i pretty much spent the last two and a half hours deleting nearly 10,000 images, gifs, videos, and accounts all together. @TryingHarder provided me with some important advice which was enough to get that ball rolling. they also provided a link to an article regarding the risks and danger of reduced, intermittent P usage, especially while rebooting! that was what i needed to get rid of everything all together. part of me feels some regret, because now i am worried about the potential withdrawal effects i am going to experience. but it is going to happen regardless, so i might as well make my chances of not relapsing as close to one hundred as i can.
Great progress! Don’t worry about your relapse now, it was going to happen sooner or later as long as you had those stored files, a direct access to your addicted state.

It’s important that you remove yourself from familiar things and situations you were engaging in when using porn. Change things around - move your computer to a different spot for example, to make it easier to associate it with other, healthy activities. Of course, if you can stop using it at all for a while, that’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

About your regret regarding getting rid of your bank, don’t look back. Yes, you will feel worse for a while. It will suck for a while, it’s important to be aware of that.
If you had kept it - if you told yourself you would only use once in a while - you would be setting yourself up for relapse. And it will suck for a while again, every time you relapse, over and over in a loop.

The only alternative for all of us is to cut all ties to porn and subs, 100%. If we don’t go all in, we can’t make it past these first difficult days and some day see freedom from porn.

I know it’s hard to leave behind, I have felt it too. That safe and familiar space that’s always there and can’t reject you. I have medicated myself from my loneliness since I was a teenager, but the truth is that porn was driving me towards more loneliness. It has been slowly killing my lust for life and real people for almost 20 years.

I think you’re doing an incredible job being here, telling your story and trying to get better! You are still young, you will recover soon enough if you stick to this!
 

chap

Member
Think of it this way: all you have to lose is wasted time and a bunch of files that aren't providing you with happiness. All you have to gain is getting your life back.

Read as many threads on this forum as you can. Read as many articles about porn addiction as you can. If you haven't already, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover. Because knowledge is power.

Do whatever it takes for the next month to break up the usual habits that lead you back to porn. Turn off your cell phone, limit your screen time, spend time with friends, exercise, do a huge jigsaw puzzle, whatever it takes.

Stay strong, stay focused. Good luck!
@TryingHarder thank you so much, i really appreciate your kind words. these past couples hours, your words have been very motivating in a situtation that all of us, at some point, felt could never change. i'll challenge myself to take you up on all those activities that you mentioned. all i have to gain from this is getting my life back!
 

chap

Member
You are now stronger for your next streak. Deleting that bank is so hard - because we invested so much in creating it (at least I did). But it really IS key to get rid of it. You have to have the mindest that you are done for good. You may, and probably will, fail again - but not because you kept a stash for yourself. We all know the "stash" is always there in the cloud... that's out of our control. But we should control what we can and build form there. In the past I used porn filters and that helped me for a while - currently I don't - but it's something that could be a next step.

Let's talk again in 4 days when you have your longest streak yet :)
@SimonM thank you very much for you kind sentiment. i appreciate you for acknowledging the pressure that comes when trying to get rid of that bank. you are so right, we really did invest a lot in creating it—which makes it that much harder to wipe clean. but i'm going to stick with this mindset that i'm done for good. these next three days and four hours are going to pass and we'll talk again!
 

chap

Member
Great progress! Don’t worry about your relapse now, it was going to happen sooner or later as long as you had those stored files, a direct access to your addicted state.

It’s important that you remove yourself from familiar things and situations you were engaging in when using porn. Change things around - move your computer to a different spot for example, to make it easier to associate it with other, healthy activities. Of course, if you can stop using it at all for a while, that’s the best thing you can do for yourself.

About your regret regarding getting rid of your bank, don’t look back. Yes, you will feel worse for a while. It will suck for a while, it’s important to be aware of that.
If you had kept it - if you told yourself you would only use once in a while - you would be setting yourself up for relapse. And it will suck for a while again, every time you relapse, over and over in a loop.

The only alternative for all of us is to cut all ties to porn and subs, 100%. If we don’t go all in, we can’t make it past these first difficult days and some day see freedom from porn.

I know it’s hard to leave behind, I have felt it too. That safe and familiar space that’s always there and can’t reject you. I have medicated myself from my loneliness since I was a teenager, but the truth is that porn was driving me towards more loneliness. It has been slowly killing my lust for life and real people for almost 20 years.

I think you’re doing an incredible job being here, telling your story and trying to get better! You are still young, you will recover soon enough if you stick to this!
@downhillfromhere thank you so much for your thoughtful input. you put it into a perspective that makes me feel like i'm going to be alright. i'm going to challenge myself to remove all things that were associated with my PMO habits, move things around, and try new and different activities. there's no turning back now, it's about damn time! i'm going to take advantage of the wonderful resources that rebootnation has to offer and learn more. that's all i can and will continue to do—learn!
 

chap

Member
10:36PM, 21 June 2022, DAY 4

i've been off the radar, but i'm proud to say that i have set a new streak of 4 Days 8 Hours and 13 minutes—more importantly, PMO has not been on my radar either. i want do more research and read your stories; that's something i haven't been doing. i challenge myself to read at least one rebooter's full journal by the end of this week, sunday (6/26/22).

i have been focused and busy with school and work. fortunately tomorrow—wednesday—i am going to the beach with my good friends to recharge. but i think i will need to be careful to not let my temptations get the best of me since we guys all know what's often associated with the beach. anyways, cheers to four days and let's look forward to the rest of this week. i can do this, i can live PMO free!
 

chap

Member
11:55PM 23 June 2022, DAY 6

wow. all i can say is that by tomorrow, 2:54PM, I will be a full 7 days PMO free! today i really had some thoughts throughout the hours, but i kept myself together and went to work which helped lower that impulse. i am staying on course!
 

chap

Member
11:15PM 24 June 2022, DAY 0

i was very close to hitting my first streak of a full week, but i was beaten by my sudden temptation. we are still early in this journey so i'll aim to get back to seven days and just continue through. i ask myself now, what can i do take make accessing P more difficult and less desirable? i'll leave it there, this is normal and i will break free from these chains—with patience and reflection. to end on a high note, i set an all-time new record of no PMO for 6 Days 20 hours and 52 minutes!
 
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