12:37PM 2 July 2022, DAY 0
i am so appreciative of the kind words of wisdom and advice i have received in the last couple of days! unfortunately, yesterday i relapsed and engaged in PMO a handful of times up until this journal entry. i am really happy i was able to reach nearly five days of no PMO, i'll aim high and work on catching the triggers and finding better things to do.
but i must admit, i still feel like i am trying to understand why i want to quit. like i know that it's gotten to a point where it impedes on my regular day to day life because i may run late to scheduled events such as work, and engage in inappropriate places such as my car while i drive. but one thing i was really adamant about, was not to do it to pictures of people that i know. because i feel like it becomes a side of me that i have to hide from people. after every time that i'd do it to people that i know through pictures, i would feel guilty because i felt like i was hiding this from them. then i'd feel shame because i felt like a bad person who can never change, that this is just the way i am. but since i've gotten rid of the entire bank, the worry, guilt, and shame is no longer there really. it's been a week since i did it to pictures of someone that i know. so i am proud of that, despite the relapses i recently experienced.
i know that it is the side that i want to change that is saying that P isn't all that bad and that it should stay; that i need this since i am not sexually active. this is the only time i get to "feel good". i don't know any of these women, it's their job (adult actresses), and i am not saving videos or pictures or anything. so everything must be fine. i don't necessarily feel the same guilt that i would after doing it to pictures of people that i know. but i do feel a little defeated every time now since i'm rebooting and realize that i relapsed. i think about potential future relationships and how my future partner may feel if i regularly do it to P. i have a celebrity crush and want to believe that through circumstance, fate will bring us together. that has become a reason i want to stop P as well. all of these different reasons and i still feel so unsure and confused.
in the last day and a half, i defaulted back to this mindset. i am conflicted between what i want to change about myself. a big part of this conflict is because, i think, part of me believes that i cannot change and that everything i want is just a dream, not even achievable. but the facts are crystal clear, there's science that backs up that people CAN CHANGE! neuroplasticity allows for humans to change the way they are through learning, through creating and strengthening new neural pathways in the brain and weakening old, nasty, unhealthy ones. so i can change, i want to change, i will change. and when i change, my life will be so good and i will end up in the right place and the right time and meet my celebrity crush! i know it sounds so silly, but i really do want this to happen.
i don't know if i should just try to be P free but continue to practice MO? or go like teetotaler and never MO again, to P, to pictures of people i know, to my own imagination and thoughts. for the most part, i feel confident that i can keep the real people i know out of my phone when i MO. getting away from P is a journey. but what about my imagination and my thoughts? because wouldn't my imagination and thoughts just be a collection of all the things that i've saved from P and also all the people that i know? that's why we try to go all PMO free right?
i appreciate your time reading this. if you've made it this far, just know that this isn't game over, i think? today i ran a 5k race in my hometown and set my sr for this year, beat my goal of running under 19:00min, and even placed third in my age group and medaled! if anyone is curious, i ran an 18:59min 5k, hehehe! there are positives that can come from these difficult moments. we just have to pause and look back and point them out. negative things in life stick out like a sore thumb, positives can sometimes feel like a needle in a haystack. let's keep trucking!