hi, i’m chap :)

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
what can i do take make accessing P more difficult and less desirable?
Delete ALL porn from your computer or phone. Limit your time online. Don't look at a screen past 9 pm. Learn to play an instrument. Go for long walks. Exercise. Organize your fridge by alphabetical order. ;) Do ANYTHING that is different than your usual routine, since that usually leads back to PMO. Porn is seductive, so instead of giving into the fantasy, maybe picture yourself fapping in front of your computer or phone and think about how disturbing that is. Might act as a good deterrent.
 

chap

Member
Delete ALL porn from your computer or phone. Limit your time online. Don't look at a screen past 9 pm. Learn to play an instrument. Go for long walks. Exercise. Organize your fridge by alphabetical order. ;) Do ANYTHING that is different than your usual routine, since that usually leads back to PMO. Porn is seductive, so instead of giving into the fantasy, maybe picture yourself fapping in front of your computer or phone and think about how disturbing that is. Might act as a good deterrent.
thank you @TryingHarder i challenge myself to give all your suggestions a shot! i have to be stronger than my temptations!
 

chap

Member
8:15AM 25 June 2022, DAY 0

good morning, unfortunately i relapsed again. omw to a wedding and stopped to get food. i pulled over to eat and suddenly got a crazy urge. i could not stop myself once again. i engaged with MO and to pictures of people i know.

i don’t quite know what these feelings came from, it was so sudden. but i just will continue to separate myself from it. take care!
 

anubu0

Active Member
Hey Chap! Sorry to hear about the relapse. You just experienced the "chaser effect", which is a pretty damn hard thing to overcome. After you relapse, you are more prone to relapse again a few hours or a day after.

Good job on journaling quickly after your relapse and getting back on track. Over the next few days try to identify what caused your relapses and try to address some of those triggers. Were you at home by yourself when you relapsed? Was your technology within arms reach? Try to eliminate some of these factors so that this reboot is stronger.
 

chap

Member
Hey Chap! Sorry to hear about the relapse. You just experienced the "chaser effect", which is a pretty damn hard thing to overcome. After you relapse, you are more prone to relapse again a few hours or a day after.

Good job on journaling quickly after your relapse and getting back on track. Over the next few days try to identify what caused your relapses and try to address some of those triggers. Were you at home by yourself when you relapsed? Was your technology within arms reach? Try to eliminate some of these factors so that this reboot is stronger.
hey @anubu0 , thank you so much for your input. i definitely will have that conversation with myself, i’ll do my best to eliminate these factors to make this reboot as strong as possible!
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Keep trying, Chap. When you relapse, take it as a learning moment. Why did I do it? What happened? What were the triggers? What could I do differently next time?
 

chap

Member
10:57PM 26 June 2022, DAY 0

i want to make this short and to the point. i became overwhelmed with everything on my plate and i believe it opened this window of opportunity to slip. i relapsed nearly five times today. my eating and my self-managing is defaulting back to my old habits. i can mope around and be sad about it, or i can take all of your wonderful advice and try to tackle it differently.

i'm really frustrated, because i feel confused. unsure about what i want and why i want it. but what i do know is that P and MO are affecting me. so i'll beat this. i won't get caught in the chaser effect. the path ahead is not easy, so i must double down or else i'll be back at square one like i am now. i just have to continue believing in the process. my end goal of rebooting and rewiring my brain is more valuable than the cost it'll take me to get to that point, therefore, i can only move forward.
 

Simon2

Active Member
I don't think we should call it square one. Yes it's day 0. But it's day 0 after building strength, new habits, determining to post on this forum, etc from a clean streak. If we can learn from our failures we can keep growing. This is some bad days among some good ones before that. Now tack on some more good ones and you have one bad day in many many good ones.

What led to failure? How can we avoid it next time?
 

chap

Member
Hei chap - how are you doing?
10:12PM 30 June 2022, DAY 4

hey @ADFECTATIO ! thank you for checking in on me, i appreciate it! just four minutes ago i hit four days PMO free! just three more days before i hit a full week! i got this!

the past couple of days have been difficult to resist. i’ve been busy and there are just so many moments where i am thinking about my favorite parts of P videos that i really like.

yesterday i had a moment of extreme concentrated temptation, but i came here and started reading @Blondie ’s journal, it really helped me get out of the spot. for that, i personally want to thank you. because i really feel like in those moments of temptation, my willpower is nonexistent.

as i type this journal out, all i am thinking about are the parts of P videos that i want to do it to. ugh get out of my head! my life is more than P!
 

chap

Member
I don't think we should call it square one. Yes it's day 0. But it's day 0 after building strength, new habits, determining to post on this forum, etc from a clean streak. If we can learn from our failures we can keep growing. This is some bad days among some good ones before that. Now tack on some more good ones and you have one bad day in many many good ones.

What led to failure? How can we avoid it next time?
hey @SimonM , sorry for the late response! thank you for putting it in a whole other perspective! when you put it that way i feel like it’s just a slip and not square one. i have made it now to four days no PMO!
 

tay97

Active Member
Interesting journal! I highly, highly recommend deleting ALL porn and ALL accounts that you used for PMO. There is no way around it. Don't give the rotten part of your brain possibilities to rise and destroy your life. You must kill it! Hope you are doing good!
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats Chap on day 5!

What you're doing here will change the course of your life forever.

For some advice, it's hard to NOT think about something, porn in this case, thus, try to think about something else when these moments hit you. For example, replace thinking of porn and your urges to thinking about a goal you have, school, work etc. Whatever the mind focuses on, it will produce. Trying to NOT think about something, is focusing on IT. Don't give away your power. Think on something else.

If all else fails in the moments of these urges, tie your hands behind your back and throw away the key for the night. :cool:

You got this man!

Best

No one escapes Alcatraz unless they are fully committed.
 
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chap

Member
12:37PM 2 July 2022, DAY 0

i am so appreciative of the kind words of wisdom and advice i have received in the last couple of days! unfortunately, yesterday i relapsed and engaged in PMO a handful of times up until this journal entry. i am really happy i was able to reach nearly five days of no PMO, i'll aim high and work on catching the triggers and finding better things to do.

but i must admit, i still feel like i am trying to understand why i want to quit. like i know that it's gotten to a point where it impedes on my regular day to day life because i may run late to scheduled events such as work, and engage in inappropriate places such as my car while i drive. but one thing i was really adamant about, was not to do it to pictures of people that i know. because i feel like it becomes a side of me that i have to hide from people. after every time that i'd do it to people that i know through pictures, i would feel guilty because i felt like i was hiding this from them. then i'd feel shame because i felt like a bad person who can never change, that this is just the way i am. but since i've gotten rid of the entire bank, the worry, guilt, and shame is no longer there really. it's been a week since i did it to pictures of someone that i know. so i am proud of that, despite the relapses i recently experienced.

i know that it is the side that i want to change that is saying that P isn't all that bad and that it should stay; that i need this since i am not sexually active. this is the only time i get to "feel good". i don't know any of these women, it's their job (adult actresses), and i am not saving videos or pictures or anything. so everything must be fine. i don't necessarily feel the same guilt that i would after doing it to pictures of people that i know. but i do feel a little defeated every time now since i'm rebooting and realize that i relapsed. i think about potential future relationships and how my future partner may feel if i regularly do it to P. i have a celebrity crush and want to believe that through circumstance, fate will bring us together. that has become a reason i want to stop P as well. all of these different reasons and i still feel so unsure and confused.

in the last day and a half, i defaulted back to this mindset. i am conflicted between what i want to change about myself. a big part of this conflict is because, i think, part of me believes that i cannot change and that everything i want is just a dream, not even achievable. but the facts are crystal clear, there's science that backs up that people CAN CHANGE! neuroplasticity allows for humans to change the way they are through learning, through creating and strengthening new neural pathways in the brain and weakening old, nasty, unhealthy ones. so i can change, i want to change, i will change. and when i change, my life will be so good and i will end up in the right place and the right time and meet my celebrity crush! i know it sounds so silly, but i really do want this to happen.

i don't know if i should just try to be P free but continue to practice MO? or go like teetotaler and never MO again, to P, to pictures of people i know, to my own imagination and thoughts. for the most part, i feel confident that i can keep the real people i know out of my phone when i MO. getting away from P is a journey. but what about my imagination and my thoughts? because wouldn't my imagination and thoughts just be a collection of all the things that i've saved from P and also all the people that i know? that's why we try to go all PMO free right?

i appreciate your time reading this. if you've made it this far, just know that this isn't game over, i think? today i ran a 5k race in my hometown and set my sr for this year, beat my goal of running under 19:00min, and even placed third in my age group and medaled! if anyone is curious, i ran an 18:59min 5k, hehehe! there are positives that can come from these difficult moments. we just have to pause and look back and point them out. negative things in life stick out like a sore thumb, positives can sometimes feel like a needle in a haystack. let's keep trucking!
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
but i must admit, i still feel like i am trying to understand why i want to quit.

Your post has a lot to unpack @chap. I think you have already answered that question (why you want to quit):

engage in inappropriate places such as my car while i drive

Holy shit! Are you serious?! Do you really want to be responsible for an accident because you were looking at porn while you drive?! Imagine the embarrassment and colossal shame and guilt you would feel if you killed someone or caused any kind of accident because of porn.

one thing i was really adamant about, was not to do it to pictures of people that i know

How would you think these people would feel if they knew you were fapping to photos of them? Good work on getting rid of the stash.

that i need this since i am not sexually active.

When you become sexually active, do you want to deal with the confusion, shame, and embarrassment of PIED?

i have a celebrity crush and want to believe that through circumstance, fate will bring us together.

Crushes are usually based on a little bit of truth and a lot of wishful thinking. Is this "celebrity" a porn actress or someone that you find sexually attractive? If so, that's the addiction talking. Better you develop feelings for someone you actually know.

i don't know if i should just try to be P free but continue to practice MO?

The first thing to do is do at least 30 days without PMO or MO. 90 days is best. Watch this video by Gabe Deem on the basics of rebooting.

Once again, it's crucial that you beat the addiction while you're young. Keep trying!
 
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tay97

Active Member
Is porn bad? Hmm let's see, why are there so many people in this forum? Why was there a point in your life that you decided to register? Why are there all these studies that show the negative effects?

You KNOW that it is bad. Your brain is just trying to give you excuses to act out again. But it is just an organ that reacts to chemicals and stimuli. You are more than your brain, more than your mind and more than your body.
 

chap

Member
8:21PM 6 July 2022, DAY 0

it's a back and forth between my desire to PMO and my restraint. but i hate to admit that i fully relapsed. i feel like so much has been going on lately for me and PMO//MOtopeopleiknow was the outlet i needed. but we all know very clearly, it isn't. if there is anything i can learn from these relapses that have occurred since my last entry, it's that even with the bank gone, P and access to pictures of people i know are still out and about. and that when i become frustrated, tired, and overwhelmed, enagaging in PMO//MOtopeopleiknow FEELS like the best option. it isn't.


@TryingHarder and @tay97 thank you so much for putting it into such a different perspective. i think i really needed to read this since lately i have been so overwhelmed with everything. you're totally right.

Holy shit! Are you serious?! Do you really want to be responsible for an accident because you were looking at porn while you drive?! Imagine the embarrassment and colossal shame and guilt you would feel if you killed someone or caused any kind of accident because of porn.
today while i was driving, i had the urge to do it, but remembered this. we can't forget about the actual danger that comes with driving on it's own. i'm putting myself and others in danger when doing something like that while i drive. when i am in this place of temptation, it's like all my logic and reasoning subside and all there is is just the desire to get off. not worth the risk of my life and especially others'.

How would you think these people would feel if they knew you were fapping to photos of them? Good work on getting rid of the stash.
those are the very thoughts i experience in my head when i am done. i feel horrible and regret ever doing it. once again, it's like all my reason and logic are just put to the side. but i am also glad that the stash is gone. i still have social media and i am really debating to log off, but there is an idol group that i like to follow and stay updated with. but i know it is best to log off to keep myself away from people that i know that i may want to do it to.

Crushes are usually based on a little bit of truth and a lot of wishful thinking. Is this "celebrity" a porn actress or someone that you find sexually attractive? If so, that's the addiction talking. Better you develop feelings for someone you actually know.
fortunately no, they are not a P actress. they are a kpop idol! i've made it a point to myself to never MO to them or other members of the group because i don't want to sexualize or objectify them in my mind, at least sexualize/objectify intentionally. i definitely find them very attractive, but it never really crosses my mind about having sex with them, although i admit that'd be nice. but i agree that to some degree i need to work to detach myself from it and work on making actual connections with people. my day with them shall come, but for now, i need to work on forming real relationships with real people.

The first thing to do is do at least 30 days without PMO or MO. 90 days is best. Watch this video by Gabe Deem on the basics of rebooting.

Once again, it's crucial that you beat the addiction while you're young. Keep trying!
i'll aim for a week since my streak is nearly a full one. i will keep on trying. one step at a time.

You are more than your brain, more than your mind and more than your body.
you're right! thank you for reminding me. seeing this is what makes me remember why i don't want to engage in PMO//MOtopeopleiknow, P and my irrational thoughts do not control me. i am more than my brain, i am more than mind and more than my body. thank you!
 

chap

Member
DAY 0

i’ll keep trying. i’ll break this loop. i’ve done it before, and i can do it again.
 
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