The Road to Redemption

[Aeodh Dan]

I don't know, I can focus on PORN if you like, or I can focus on all my failings throughout the day.....
But this journey is about life, embracing life, and shooting cum is about draining life. I don't know how much semen I've expelled, but it's been a lot. And it always left me tired and unmotivated.
Is it possible to have physical intimacy WITHOUT producing semen? I think so, and I think it's the way.
Masturbating destroys the sacred aspect of "having sex" or exploring each other's bodies, doesn't it? If the focus is on erections, I think we've missed the point. This whole ED problem, ejaculation issue...how has sex only become about ejaculation? What is our problem?
The problem is that what is portrayed in movies, porn, popular media is a perverted form of physical intimacy. What has been called "foreplay" is only regarded as an appetizer, whereas it should be the main course. Why all this anxiety over whether a guy can get it up or not? Are we adolescent boys? Perhaps we need to be re-educated on what "SEX" actually is.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

The journey to the soul is the journey to the center, the center of the universe....you are the center of the universe, I am the center of the universe
What is within is without, same stuff...vibration, light and darkness
Oh, never mind, we are just these helpless creatures with dicks who can't stop fucking, masturbating and squirting semen.....
Well, which is it? Are we animals or are we divine beings? Both actually, or either one.
Well, it's my choice isn't it? I can be one or the other or a combination of the two....
But the first step is realization of the nature, or shall I say the dual nature of mankind. When you abstain from anything, then what? Will you only focus on the abstinence? Is there a world that you may have ignored? While you were busy self indulging.....
Where is the attention focused?
The human experience is so much more than being obsessed with sex organs, I think.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Well, I could go on and on and on about how I failed again, and how difficult everything is and how life sucks etc.
I could also go on about how I am an amazing creation, an image of God and capable of doing anything I want. I think my dog has it all figured out, he just seems OK with the world. Eat, sleep, play, work and observe/marvel. I am really hard on him sometimes, because he won't leave me alone, but I know that if he stopped bugging me, I would worry about him, so I need to fucking chill!
My messages here don't resonate with people generally and that is OK. Honestly I don't care. The writing is an outlet and who knows...perhaps the characters on this forum don't even exist, perhaps you all are just algorithms. Again, doesn't matter.
The recovery journey is about life, it's not about porn or fucking or cumming or masturbating....no, it's about embracing the cosmic mystery!
It's about energy, it's about the human struggle to live for a HIGHER purpose than just fucking. OK, I am lonely, I am crazy, I am a fucking lunatic, but I must experience the lunacy, the loneliness, the self doubt, because this is an inward journey to the soul. For me, what was normal in the past was maintaining a form of sanity by having a secret porn life, but now I'm not hiding anymore, so it's all coming out in abstract forms, there is no up or down, no left or right, no constraints to the mind right now, because anything goes in order to maintain sobriety.....
In the sixties they said let you freak flag fly, well, let it fly! Just be, just experience, just open up to the world............

 

[Simon2]

I don't know, I can focus on PORN if you like, or I can focus on all my failings throughout the day.....
But this journey is about life, embracing life, and shooting cum is about draining life. I don't know how much semen I've expelled, but it's been a lot. And it always left me tired and unmotivated.
Is it possible to have physical intimacy WITHOUT producing semen? I think so, and I think it's the way.
Masturbating destroys the sacred aspect of "having sex" or exploring each other's bodies, doesn't it? If the focus is on erections, I think we've missed the point. This whole ED problem, ejaculation issue...how has sex only become about ejaculation? What is our problem?
The problem is that what is portrayed in movies, porn, popular media is a perverted form of physical intimacy. What has been called "foreplay" is only regarded as an appetizer, whereas it should be the main course. Why all this anxiety over whether a guy can get it up or not? Are we adolescent boys? Perhaps we need to be re-educated on what "SEX" actually is.

I completely agree with that. If we learned how to focus on the path we would be better lovers of ourselves and our partners. We live in a time of material gratification and our sex lives often fall into this mode of consumption as well...

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Well, OK I'm done posting on other threads, no use...
In any group there is a herd mentality, a status quo, a "norm", a group conscience, and since this is a compartmentalized "porn addiction" forum, I guess that needs to be the focus of discussion, and of course it has to be upbeat, like "good job" and "keep going" and "you can do this".....blah blah blah
No, it's OK I get it. Once you've been on one, you've been on them all, just like going to a city, they are all alike pretty much
The wheel keeps turning and there are little wheels and cogs and pulleys and things, but it's a factory ...a human factory, and they are getting pretty good with producing minds as well!
I consider porn media and how it has evolved with the modern tech and how it has seeped into everything, it's a matter of dropping out, which I know is not what the typical person wants to do, it's not easy being alone all the time, it's like the last man on earth surrounded by androids, human looking androids, and you can't blow your brains out, because suicide is not an option, so you just keep going, for what? Good question
I love talking to myself, because it has become a part of my recovery.
What is the bigger problem for me? Bigger than porn? What? Bigger than porn???? Yes, it is the fact that I have always been on the outside looking in, always, way before porn entered my life, I was isolated and trapped by sadistic parents. So, I don't even know how to "integrate" with the herd, the cyber-herd here, I hope I'm not the only one.
What have modern humans become? products, and who runs the factories? ever wondered?

 

[Aeodh Dan]

over a hundred days into monk mode....
my moods are varied, sometimes depressed, sometimes hopeful, sometimes blank...
the sex organs are in a state of rest, a much needed rest!
the daily routines are my solution at the moment, up with the sun typically, down with the sun typically, lots of dreaming at night
During the day, writing, morning yoga, walking, some strength training, some estate work, back therapy, evening meal and movie time before bed
Is this life sustainable? Not long term under the current situation, but yes for now the immediate future; I am not thinking too much about long term plans, but there are things brewing, developing and fermenting...
I am still scared shitless of people.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Aeodh Dan you are keeping busy, and that is the most important. Are there anything else you are interested in and wants improving? That's helpful too.
Eventually it is the other things that we do, do well, and are proud of, that will take us further and further away from this addiction.

I know of someone with bad eczema.
She has to apply paraffin on her body twice a day.. yes thick, gooey sticky paraffin. Every day.
One can hate it, be resentful, ask why me.
But the doctor said, learn to love it, because it is what saves her and let's her keep on living.
And that is what she does:
I love paraffin
I love the feeling
I love myself.
This is what saves me.
And she turns her enemy into her friend.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

The "primordial soup" is something to consider during recovery...to ponder it, to relate to it in some way....
Another thing to consider is the idea of "revolution" and what role it could play in my future life, because the idea that at some point we were all just ingredients of the primordial soup and that through time and evolution we became humans is "wow"!
Now, if I condense this process into a lifetime of a human, a revolutionary change from one form of existence into another, that is somewhat akin to the transformation of a porn drenched mind to a healthy, natural and clear mind.
Is this achievable? Yes. The birds that have nested on my property this Spring and Summer have helped me far more than anything I've read on these forums, because the alleged people here, whether real or not, are all struggling, and the birds don't struggle at all. They sing their merry tunes and don't worry about a fucking thing! They don't fantasize about fucking other birds, they are completely in Zen mode. Completely!
I am very curious to see what evolves out of this idiotic human species with their giant brains and their giant dicks!
We will all be there in some grotesque form I assume.....

 

[Aeodh Dan]

@Aeodh Dan you are keeping busy, and that is the most important. Are there anything you are interested in and wants improving? That's helpful too.
Eventually it is the other things we do that will take us further and further away from this addiction.

Thank you!

 

[Aeodh Dan]

And she turns her enemy into her friend.

I like it. Perhaps I should make friends with my chronic back pain, and also with the porn demons. I should invite the porn demons over for a beer, I should hug my bitch of a neighbor, I should embrace everything that annoys me....it's a good strategy really.
I remember reading about people who would go to porn shows/exhibits and visit with porn actors and talk to them about how they should consider other options in life and try to help them get out of the porn industry etc. and that their approach was to become friends with these people first. Democrats should embrace Republicans, and "liberals" should love "conservatives".
Yeshua told people to love their enemies....do most so called "Christians" do this? I wonder.
How about loving myself? I've always hated myself, I've been my own worst enemy! And that is the truth.
When I hate anything at all, what am I doing really on a cosmic level? I am rejecting life. And life includes suffering, yes, that's right, SUFFERING.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@Aeodh Dan , I apologize for not being clear.
the enemy I mentioned here is not the vice.
It is not the eczema that cause her problems.
In her case, it is the paraffin and it's associated discomfort.

In our context, the "enemy" is the discomfort we have to endure in order to be addiction free.
Accept and love the discomfort of withdrawal so that we may sooner be free from the pain of addiction.

Discomfort would have been a better word than enemy.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

In our context, the "enemy" is the discomfort we have to endure in order to be addiction free.

Thank you, yes, I understand.
The "suffering" endured during recovery, it's part of the life we have chosen in order to be free of bondage, and if I hate the suffering, I am rejecting life. How I suffer is up to me I guess. There is pain involved with facing personal demons, there is emotional pain when certain feelings that have been repressed, come to the surface. How do I deal with this?
I have been learning to breathe through a lot of this stuff, to let the waves crash around me, to stand straight against the icy cold winds of remorse, of loss, of bitter memories...
Porn was an outlet for my rage, was a numbing agent for my pain, was an escape into the "underworld" of twisted desire.
The "paraffin" I must endure right now is solitude, loneliness and patience.
The old "me" suffered for no good reason, the new "me" suffers for a good cause, the cause of freedom, freedom from expectation, freedom from desire, freedom from bondage.
I am learning to "roll with the punches", as my old boxer friend used to say to me.
I am learning to crawl once again.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Crawling is actually a wonderful exercise, there is something very humbling about crawling and keeping my nose to the ground as I move forward connects me to ancient part of my earthly existence. Just because humans walk upright doesn't mean that they are the rulers of the Earth, they are not. Humans are pathetic. But at the same time, we have a connection to the Spirit of the Universe.
The thing we call "sex" is thrown around like some drug, like some cheap thrill....what a shame.
A man and a woman coming together to create a life form is a sacred act.
Any other "sexual" encounter between humans is an attempt to be intimate with each other in some way, that's all. It's an attempt at honesty, an expression that doesn't need words, like climbing a mountain is a connection with that mountain. It's vulnerability and it's courage.
The inward journey is also this, an attempt to know thy "self". We want to know, don't we? Ourselves, each other, the Earth........
It's the freedom to explore, create and just be.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Dancing is also an important part of recovery for me, both solo and communal, it's very Spiritual, or can be if you allow it to be.
Last night...electric blues and Latin Dance down at the river with hippie chicks and drunk people...I let it rip, what the fuck, nothing to lose any more, it was sexual in many way I think for all of us who participated in the rhythmic movement extravaganza, some were couples, some were solo like me, and some were groups of river guide hippie kids, it was fun, but it took some courage for me.
The truth is I am lonely, and even in a group of people I am lonely, it's difficult to make amends with this truth but at 51 it's time to let go of fear, hesitation and social pressure. It's time to simply live godammit!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Dancing is also an important part of recovery for me, both solo and communal, it's very Spiritual, or can be if you allow it to be.
Last night...electric blues and Latin Dance down at the river with hippie chicks and drunk people...I let it rip, what the fuck, nothing to lose any more, it was sexual in many way I think for all of us who participated in the rhythmic movement extravaganza, some were couples, some were solo like me, and some were groups of river guide hippie kids, it was fun, but it took some courage for me.
The truth is I am lonely, and even in a group of people I am lonely, it's difficult to make amends with this truth but at 51 it's time to let go of fear, hesitation and social pressure. It's time to simply live godammit!

That's beautiful. I try to remember to dance. It's one of the few times I really feel expressive and honest.

Btw have you ever read Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse? It has some great passages about dancing.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Btw have you ever read Steppenwolf by Herman Hesse? It has some great passages about dancing.

I need to .....I can read it in German, it's my "mother tongue" and I should. I read medieval tales and stories when I was a kid in Germany, of course we were surrounded by ruins of medieval buildings and history.
I watched my first porn video in Germany...lots of porn over there. Lots of public nudity too, so they are a little more free with their bodies, I remember nudity on television in the early eighties, which you didn't see in America in those days.
In Scandinavian countries even more, which is interesting, because the climate is generally colder. But overall, they are simply less ashamed of their bodies I think...many of the women are drop dead gorgeous.
I think people got fatter over there too. I haven't been to Europe in 3 decades, so not sure.
Speaking of fat, it has been interesting to see all the fat women in porn over the last decade. It's just a normal part of society now, being fat. Just an observation.
During my porn career, it was interesting to see how I started with fat boobs and ended up with bondage stuff, regardless of the shape of the woman. So it started with the need for nurture, the fat boobs representing nurture, and over time it evolved into wanting control and expressing anger sexually, and now, well, the anger is going away, the need for control is diminishing and I am getting nurture from Mother Nature rather than human females. I think companionship is important to me, there is a need to connect to both sexes, and particularly I want healthy relationships with women, and that of course includes my old mother, my estranged wife, my daughters and now my granddaughters.
Setting boundaries in relationships is so important.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Dating. Hmmmm, not sure what to think about it yet, but it seems like it may be an option. I joined the "free" version of a dating app yesterday. And I realized how picky I am about people. Out of the 70-80 women I scrolled through, I think I picked 6 as candidates....and if one of those 6 picks me, I guess that's a match, but using the free version, I don't see who I match with unless that person contacts me I think is how it works. Anyways, I'm not expecting anything, but it was kind of fun.
This is another step for me, another stepping out onto a limb so to speak. It's not sexual as much as it is just a longing for companionship, but I have to keep in mind that I am still only recently "sober", so baby steps....

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I need to .....I can read it in German, it's my "mother tongue" and I should. I read medieval tales and stories when I was a kid in Germany, of course we were surrounded by ruins of medieval buildings and history.
I watched my first porn video in Germany...lots of porn over there. Lots of public nudity too, so they are a little more free with their bodies, I remember nudity on television in the early eighties, which you didn't see in America in those days.
In Scandinavian countries even more, which is interesting, because the climate is generally colder. But overall, they are simply less ashamed of their bodies I think...many of the women are drop dead gorgeous.
I think people got fatter over there too. I haven't been to Europe in 3 decades, so not sure.
Speaking of fat, it has been interesting to see all the fat women in porn over the last decade. It's just a normal part of society now, being fat. Just an observation.
During my porn career, it was interesting to see how I started with fat boobs and ended up with bondage stuff, regardless of the shape of the woman. So it started with the need for nurture, the fat boobs representing nurture, and over time it evolved into wanting control and expressing anger sexually, and now, well, the anger is going away, the need for control is diminishing and I am getting nurture from Mother Nature rather than human females. I think companionship is important to me, there is a need to connect to both sexes, and particularly I want healthy relationships with women, and that of course includes my old mother, my estranged wife, my daughters and now my granddaughters.
Setting boundaries in relationships is so important.

Very interesting observations! And healthy goals.

I have read a number of his works in translation. Siddhartha also left a large impression on me when I was young. It would be a privilege to read in its original form.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

My latest dream woman is a "profile" on a dating site. Actually a "match" whatever the fuck that means....probably nothing.
Well, it was fun to engage with it, scroll through the "profiles" and pick ones I liked etc. But it may just be another fantasy.....whatever
I watched a Netflix series about a Jewish man who had a loveless marriage like me. He tried, like I did, but it's a sad story. His "true love" was not meant to be for many reasons, he ended up routinely going to an Arab whore on business trips, smoking opium and hashish to kill the pain. Even though the story was set in the Middle East in the 1920's and 30's, I could relate and feel his pain....
When people speak about love, what do they mean? I think we all have different definitions. I can get immersed in it and lose all sight of conventional life. It's like the ocean enveloping me, drowning in it...it must be the romantic notions I've always struggled with combined with emotional needs that arose in childhood.
The porn problem is a deep problem, deeply psychological and deeply emotional, at least for me. Probably the last thing I need right now is to get myself entangled with another passionate attempt at love. And again, what is love anyways?
The yogi says that love is simply a state of being, how we perceive the world, life and existence. Loving life, loving people, just loving, that's all.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

Is love the opposite of hate?
Are "Love" and "Hate" simply states of being? Being in love or being in hate?
When I am in love, I am embracing, when I am in hate, I am resisting. So, if I do something that I hate doing, what is going on? Internal conflict.
Minimizing internal conflict does not necessarily minimize suffering. But aren't there also different kinds of suffering? Some suffering is worthwhile. Some forms of suffering build character, strength and stamina! I guess you could say that is "good" suffering. Wait a minute, how can suffering be good??? If I try to avoid all suffering, then I might as well call it quits, because life is over.
No, I will embrace the "good" suffering and avoid the "bad" suffering, like doing things that I hate doing....