PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
Day 51
I have just turned 40, have an 8 month old baby and have completed 50 days without PMO. My story is dark, including some details about illegal and really bad behaviour on my part which may be hard to read; so please be advised before continuing any further. I want to record it as a cautionary tale.
I have had a problem with online porn addiction for many years, and before that issues with porn and compulsive masturbation. Although there have been periods where I have abused porn less frequently, the stresses of getting older and and years of unhealthy coping mechanisms have resulted in the problem growing and getting out of control. I gave up drinking and smoking when my partner got pregnant, so had been using porn as my main form of stress relief. Before the past 7 weeks I had been unable to enjoy the most joyous, pure light of my life (my baby) because of a dark secret.
A few months ago, my partner and I decided to sleep in separate rooms so that we could sleep better (but also because post-partum depression was becoming a strain on us both). Around this time my porn use started to escalate due to the stress. During this time I had started to look at bestiality and other messed up things, feeling dirty, but pushing it out of my mind as soon as I had finished up and the disgust had melted away. I was opening up to 50 browsers at a time and spending hours looking for something that would give me a hit. I would be tired and grumpy in the morning, even when I hadn't looked after the baby in the night. The ages of the people in the videos were getting younger too, although I had already started to explain this away in my head. One of the sites I was viewing regularly had some CSEM material, where someone had posted a private video of someone underage. It felt like someone had punched me and I felt sick. I reported the video and clicked off the site, promising myself I would never go on the site again. In reality, I carried on, and I started to view and get off to things that had made me feel sick previously, and feeling like I was unable to stop. I realised that I was doing something really fucked up, but I couldn't face it. I knew I was sick, but I didn't know what was me, and what wasn't, or just how sick I was. So I stopped looking at porn for 4 days and started researching porn addiction. On the 3rd day, my partner and baby went away to grandparents. There was some LSD in the house from a long time ago, and decided to take it. I needed some release from the stress, but also I thought it would help me confront my demons. At some point during the night, I decided to look at some legal porn. It didn't really work on me, given the desensitisation I had put myself through. My fucked up brain told me to just be honest with myself and my desires and do it one last time. The realisation of how far I had sunk reverberated around my head for the next 8 hours. I was going to lose everything, my baby, my partner, my family, my friends, everything. I felt like a monster. The next morning I called my partner back to the house and told her everything.
She decided to support me instead of leaving, which I had expected her to. I emailed an organisation which specialises in these kinds of messed up situations and started researching in earnest about why I had done this. I also had to consider, honestly, what kind of offender I was. I learned about the process of escalation, and it seemed to make sense, although others had not gone as far as I had. But I couldn't be sure if that was really the case, or if I was trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation. I decided to keep journaling and write down triggers, urges etc. Most importantly I realised that I can never use porn again, because it is a slippery slope that I cannot control, and will only and inevitably lead to darkness. Throughout all of this, there was a part of me still justifying having viewed CSEM material online, and believing it not having any real world effect. This is not true. It fuels and maintains the cycles of abuse. I had to face that I had been a part of this process. I also started to have what I guess is some kind of guilt reaction/OCD where if I was near someone of an age similar to the CSEM videos I felt sick. The more I researched, the more I learned about the processes of sensitisation and desensitisation, about how the brain mistakes guilt and revulsion for arousal in its quest for a dopamine fix. 50 days of no PMO and I can see the truth of this; and though it does not negate what happened, it does show some light for the future.
Personal journaling has led to me confronting the story of my addiction, which was not only the worst thing I did. It has been a long and sorry road; one in which I have seemed to be able to justify any bad behaviour because I had a hard on. I knew that my morals were completely different when I had porn brain, but I just wouldn't let myself see the problem that it was. I have been obsessed with videoing/photoing partners over the years and been obsessed with the idea of them sleeping with other guys and videoing it. I wanted them to become my own personal pornstar, even if that wasn't their fantasy, and I would insert it into sex whenever I could. I collected bikini shots from FB and IG of people that I knew in a folder, also nudes of model friends. I deleted this folder a number of times, knowing it was messed up. Until 50 days ago, I was still masturbating to videos and pictures I had made with exes. It wasn't until the reboot that I really faced how bad this was. Even a few days ago on my birthday, I had to delete an old conversation thread with an ex because it contained material that was suddenly calling me (all traces are gone now).
The process has been difficult. I have felt withdrawals quite acutely, and also many urges. Triggers were Pavlovian. Just sitting in front of my computer for work at the beginning triggered urges. I have had an anxious stomach ache for a lot of the time, and also have woken up in the middle of the night with urges. In times of stress my brain says it will be so much easier if I just look at porn. I also have intrusive thoughts from time to time, flashes of some of the dark material I want to delete from my brain. I didn't MO for a few weeks (but find that I have started to every night at the moment). I have been taking cold showers for the duration. I have also stopped looking at social media for the most part. I am aware that this trips people up, and I've come close. I have been reading and researching about addiction a lot, which has helped and reading people's journals on here has been eye-opening. I have started to read books and make more music this time. Also walking in the park with my baby most days and being a lot more present has been magical. I am not wondering if I deserve to be parent and what kind of example am I setting. In general I feel back in control of my life, even if it's not perfect or especially smooth. I want to be a better person going into the future. I want to be a better partner and father. I have a long way to go. Although it's not good to obsess over numbers, 90 days is my first goal.
If you have read this far, thank you for reading and I'm sorry for the many shitty things I've done.
PS. Reading the Easy Peasy book has been really helpful for me. I read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking and it really helped me in the process of quitting. Although not every section worked entirely for me, as a whole, I find it effective, if you can let yourself trust its reasoning.
I have just turned 40, have an 8 month old baby and have completed 50 days without PMO. My story is dark, including some details about illegal and really bad behaviour on my part which may be hard to read; so please be advised before continuing any further. I want to record it as a cautionary tale.
I have had a problem with online porn addiction for many years, and before that issues with porn and compulsive masturbation. Although there have been periods where I have abused porn less frequently, the stresses of getting older and and years of unhealthy coping mechanisms have resulted in the problem growing and getting out of control. I gave up drinking and smoking when my partner got pregnant, so had been using porn as my main form of stress relief. Before the past 7 weeks I had been unable to enjoy the most joyous, pure light of my life (my baby) because of a dark secret.
A few months ago, my partner and I decided to sleep in separate rooms so that we could sleep better (but also because post-partum depression was becoming a strain on us both). Around this time my porn use started to escalate due to the stress. During this time I had started to look at bestiality and other messed up things, feeling dirty, but pushing it out of my mind as soon as I had finished up and the disgust had melted away. I was opening up to 50 browsers at a time and spending hours looking for something that would give me a hit. I would be tired and grumpy in the morning, even when I hadn't looked after the baby in the night. The ages of the people in the videos were getting younger too, although I had already started to explain this away in my head. One of the sites I was viewing regularly had some CSEM material, where someone had posted a private video of someone underage. It felt like someone had punched me and I felt sick. I reported the video and clicked off the site, promising myself I would never go on the site again. In reality, I carried on, and I started to view and get off to things that had made me feel sick previously, and feeling like I was unable to stop. I realised that I was doing something really fucked up, but I couldn't face it. I knew I was sick, but I didn't know what was me, and what wasn't, or just how sick I was. So I stopped looking at porn for 4 days and started researching porn addiction. On the 3rd day, my partner and baby went away to grandparents. There was some LSD in the house from a long time ago, and decided to take it. I needed some release from the stress, but also I thought it would help me confront my demons. At some point during the night, I decided to look at some legal porn. It didn't really work on me, given the desensitisation I had put myself through. My fucked up brain told me to just be honest with myself and my desires and do it one last time. The realisation of how far I had sunk reverberated around my head for the next 8 hours. I was going to lose everything, my baby, my partner, my family, my friends, everything. I felt like a monster. The next morning I called my partner back to the house and told her everything.
She decided to support me instead of leaving, which I had expected her to. I emailed an organisation which specialises in these kinds of messed up situations and started researching in earnest about why I had done this. I also had to consider, honestly, what kind of offender I was. I learned about the process of escalation, and it seemed to make sense, although others had not gone as far as I had. But I couldn't be sure if that was really the case, or if I was trying to downplay the seriousness of the situation. I decided to keep journaling and write down triggers, urges etc. Most importantly I realised that I can never use porn again, because it is a slippery slope that I cannot control, and will only and inevitably lead to darkness. Throughout all of this, there was a part of me still justifying having viewed CSEM material online, and believing it not having any real world effect. This is not true. It fuels and maintains the cycles of abuse. I had to face that I had been a part of this process. I also started to have what I guess is some kind of guilt reaction/OCD where if I was near someone of an age similar to the CSEM videos I felt sick. The more I researched, the more I learned about the processes of sensitisation and desensitisation, about how the brain mistakes guilt and revulsion for arousal in its quest for a dopamine fix. 50 days of no PMO and I can see the truth of this; and though it does not negate what happened, it does show some light for the future.
Personal journaling has led to me confronting the story of my addiction, which was not only the worst thing I did. It has been a long and sorry road; one in which I have seemed to be able to justify any bad behaviour because I had a hard on. I knew that my morals were completely different when I had porn brain, but I just wouldn't let myself see the problem that it was. I have been obsessed with videoing/photoing partners over the years and been obsessed with the idea of them sleeping with other guys and videoing it. I wanted them to become my own personal pornstar, even if that wasn't their fantasy, and I would insert it into sex whenever I could. I collected bikini shots from FB and IG of people that I knew in a folder, also nudes of model friends. I deleted this folder a number of times, knowing it was messed up. Until 50 days ago, I was still masturbating to videos and pictures I had made with exes. It wasn't until the reboot that I really faced how bad this was. Even a few days ago on my birthday, I had to delete an old conversation thread with an ex because it contained material that was suddenly calling me (all traces are gone now).
The process has been difficult. I have felt withdrawals quite acutely, and also many urges. Triggers were Pavlovian. Just sitting in front of my computer for work at the beginning triggered urges. I have had an anxious stomach ache for a lot of the time, and also have woken up in the middle of the night with urges. In times of stress my brain says it will be so much easier if I just look at porn. I also have intrusive thoughts from time to time, flashes of some of the dark material I want to delete from my brain. I didn't MO for a few weeks (but find that I have started to every night at the moment). I have been taking cold showers for the duration. I have also stopped looking at social media for the most part. I am aware that this trips people up, and I've come close. I have been reading and researching about addiction a lot, which has helped and reading people's journals on here has been eye-opening. I have started to read books and make more music this time. Also walking in the park with my baby most days and being a lot more present has been magical. I am not wondering if I deserve to be parent and what kind of example am I setting. In general I feel back in control of my life, even if it's not perfect or especially smooth. I want to be a better person going into the future. I want to be a better partner and father. I have a long way to go. Although it's not good to obsess over numbers, 90 days is my first goal.
If you have read this far, thank you for reading and I'm sorry for the many shitty things I've done.
PS. Reading the Easy Peasy book has been really helpful for me. I read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking and it really helped me in the process of quitting. Although not every section worked entirely for me, as a whole, I find it effective, if you can let yourself trust its reasoning.
