Moving Forward

[GrateClips]

all i can think of reading these posts is how often this stuff is generational. and as kids we tend to view parents as perfect just because they are big. but in reality they are just as flawed if not much more flawed than kids who are innocents until they become older and reach awareness and peers.
And when the parents can be pinned down they often have their tales to tell that led them to become who they are as adults.

the only way to break the cycle is to do exactly what you are doing, because i think you realize that that may be the greatest gift you can ever give his son.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

all i can think of reading these posts is how often this stuff is generational. and as kids we tend to view parents as perfect just because they are big. but in reality they are just as flawed if not much more flawed than kids who are innocents until they become older and reach awareness and peers.
And when the parents can be pinned down they often have their tales to tell that led them to become who they are as adults.

the only way to break the cycle is to do exactly what you are doing, because i think you realize that that may be the greatest gift you can ever give his son.

It has taken me a long time to realise what my default setting is and why it might be like that. I have read a lot of similar accounts on this forum.

Your last sentence struck me. I'm 100% sure if it was intentional or not. At first I read it as 'your (my) son'. But I hadn't considered it as a gift to myself. Thank you.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 85; no MO Day 23

Although I am currently only fractionally focused on sex compared to in the past, when I get horny, it’s my desire for non-vanilla sex that still grows. I am looking forward to intimacy with my partner when we both recover (from COVID). However, I have thoughts about cheating, ex-partners – what I would do in certain situations. There is a small part of me that resents having to be monogamous. I have desires for threesomes, other sex partners, for my partner to be with others. For me to be able to have sex with previous sexual partners again. All the activities I could vicariously do at the click of a button are all still there internally. They don’t consume me like they did before, and are not the majority of my thoughts but they are still there. I am only on day 85 of my reboot. My thoughts have been so long entrenched in whatever kept my dick hard I never thought if it was healthy or not. I thought that thoughts were just that. That thoughts are not real. But if I don’t take the time to step outside them, my thoughts are my reality. Recently I have essentially only been not PMOing and MOing but not actually actively engaging in my journey.

I am not my thoughts.

 

[GrateClips]

No PMO Day 85; no MO Day 23

Although I am currently only fractionally focused on sex compared to in the past, when I get horny, it’s my desire for non-vanilla sex that still grows. I am looking forward to intimacy with my partner when we both recover (from COVID). However, I have thoughts about cheating, ex-partners – what I would do in certain situations. There is a small part of me that resents having to be monogamous. I have desires for threesomes, other sex partners, for my partner to be with others. For me to be able to have sex with previous sexual partners again. All the activities I could vicariously do at the click of a button are all still there internally. They don’t consume me like they did before, and are not the majority of my thoughts but they are still there. I am only on day 85 of my reboot. My thoughts have been so long entrenched in whatever kept my dick hard I never thought if it was healthy or not. I thought that thoughts were just that. That thoughts are not real. But if I don’t take the time to step outside them, my thoughts are my reality. Recently I have essentially only been not PMOing and MOing but not actually actively engaging in my journey.

I am not my thoughts.

Yes I meant greatest gift to your son. Sorry sloppy typing.

like you I have periods of low interest or even flatline but then when my libido kicks in I want things that have not been within my usual vanilla sex. So we are similar. When those periods kick in I’m relieved in one sense because I know I’m not going to be in some permanent flatline. But also leads to frustration and also knowing that temptation is always there.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Yes I meant greatest gift to your son. Sorry sloppy typing.

like you I have periods of low interest or even flatline but then when my libido kicks in I want things that have not been within my usual vanilla sex. So we are similar. When those periods kick in I’m relieved in one sense because I know I’m not going to be in some permanent flatline. But also leads to frustration and also knowing that temptation is always there.

Ha. I thought so, still, I did also consider it as a gift to myself in honour of my childhood self.

I know what you mean about the flatline relief. I think I started to take it for granted and then realised it's all such a mess in there still. Thanks for sharing that.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 86; no MO Day 24

It was an interesting day. I woke up from an erotic dream about an acquaintance of mine. I had not been thinking about her recently, but last time I logged into Facebook, maybe a week ago, she had posted a video of her singing a song in a bikini and crazy makeup that autoplayed. Usually I would watch it, but that time I decided it wasn't healthy for me and stopped it pretty quickly, not thinking any more about it after. In the dream, I was the main character of a show I am watching with my partner. My acquaintance was the character of a beautiful temptress witch in the show, that my partner had expressed a dislike of a number of times. I awoke from it having enjoyed it a little too much, struck by the (somewhat too neat) psychological process of it, and a little disturbed given my recent lapses into fantasy.

My partner and I ended up having sex briefly while my son played in the living room. It was wholesome, loving, and completely present. No one climaxed, nor was it necessary. We talked a little later. I told her about the dream. She wasn't upset and mentioned that she knows I find her sexy. She also laughed at the cheesy role-playing nature of it. We discussed my progress of no PMO a little. She asked me (without judgement) if I have always been dissatisfied with what I have (in general, and previous relationships), and thought about other people, greener pastures etc. I told her I haven't found a way to regulate my desires yet but I am trying to work it out. She said that the earlier sex hadn't been like sex, but a beautiful moment of family intimacy.

I was quite anxious during the afternoon as I was going back to work for the first time after getting COVID. I journaled, did some some chores and then meditated for 10 mins before it began. In the past I would have just PMO'd and then almost been late for work. The meditation is something I have been planning on but putting off for a long time. It felt good to disrupt my circle.

Also in the past, I would have been frustrated about having sex and not climaxing. It would have bugged me into the night, and maybe felt unresolved into the next day unless I MO'd - and still the emotional dissatisfaction would have lingered. Maybe it's a testament to the rebooting process that this is not the case. I definitely feel my desire has been opened. With some anxiety about how to control it, but without the negativity.

Overall a positive day.

 

[Simon2]

I love it!

It's great to see you can communicate openly AND have some sexy time without even a need to climax. All good signs. I wish I could leave it without O more when I'm with my wife (she likes me to O) - I actually feel better overall that way.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 89; no MO Day 27

Your beliefs become your thoughts.
Your thoughts become your words.
Your words become your actions.
Your actions become your habits.
Your habits become your values.
Your values become your destiny.
- Mahatma Gandhi

I was listening to a talk about deprogramming your story, how powerful your beliefs are in shaping your reality, and how you can become aware of the stories that you tell yourself again and again, so you can change the course of your life. The quote above really struck me, and led me to reflect on some stories that I have been telling myself.

My father's last words to me, in a brain-tumour-induced delerium, were, "You are are a creepy wimp." It has stuck with me for years, and helped shaped who I am today. It was only recently, however, that it occurred to me that it might not have been true. And that maybe he was really talking to himself. Maybe he saw something in me that reminded me of himself; of course he would, I am his son. And that thing he thought he saw in me reminded him of himself. And whatever ever this voice was that was speaking, was an echo, or a death murmur of something desperately and bitterly trying to cling onto life - flailing and moaning from the void. It wasn't actually about me. It was a reverberation of his previous self-loathing long trapped and trying to escape in spasms of the grey dust clouds of electrical storms.

Almost a decade later, I was out doing a survey with rubbish and recycling crews. An old man in an overcoat, bowler hat, and round sunglasses - looking like a Nazi villain in mid-summer - murmured something as he walked past me. "I know what you are." One of the crew asked me what he had said, explaining that he was a well-known paedophile/sex offender in the area. It haunted me for years. Could he see something that I couldn't? Was I marked somehow? Does like recognise like? It never occurred to me that he hadn't seen me. That he didn't know something that I didn't. Maybe he had seen himself. Maybe he was just being a dick. Maybe it meant nothing. I never even considered the possibility that the crew member was mistaken. I just threaded these two events together. They became my story, and in a fucked up way, my destiny.

I didn't need to end up where I ended up. It was not my destiny. It was part of a network of unhealthy and untrue stories I have told myself for years. I don't need to make it true to make sense of it all.

I can change the stories I tell myself. I can change my destiny. And I believe all of us here can too.

 

[Simon2]

Yes we can!

That is powerful stuff. Don't live your life by the stories we've been told ABOUT ourselves either. We can be the authors of who we are if we don't let others do it.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 91; no MO Day 29

I made it to my first goal of 90 days no PMO, and supplementary 4 weeks of no MO. To be honest, I was hoping it would feel better, but it's just another day which, I guess is an achievement in itself. However, I think I am feeling a little lost, and now that the 90 days are up I need a new goal (while moving towards the next milestone).

My partner and I went to a night market the other night, a place where we both used to ogle for fun. We hadn't been for a while, and I wasn't quite prepared for how my eyes and mind were darting around like a pinball. I did make sure not to linger and not take second looks but it was like a pinball machine in there. It was unsettling, and put me in my place a little bit regarding my progress.

We also had an argument this week, and when I went to bed the first thing I thought of doing was MOing. I didn't, but it was interesting that it's my go to thought. It was so apparent because in the past I would have just done it and not thought about it. But it stuck with me. In the end we both faced the issue and smoothed things out relatively quickly, which is progress.

All in all things are moving forward. The past months have been unprecedented for me in many ways and I'm going to keep going.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 93; no MO Day 31

Recently my journey has lost its shape due to a number of factors, currently largely internet related, although it doesn’t involve any adult material or p-subs. I find I log into this site compulsively but am not really engaging with it properly. I am spending an increasing amount of time watching absolute nonsense with no value on YouTube (a lot of shorts), more than an hour a day for sure. I have been binge-watching Netflix. I am losing my motivation for work and procrastinating more. Small tasks are getting harder and harder. I didn’t go out to get food for 3 or 4 hours today, partly due to returning anxiety. When I did, I went to get a burger. It has been some weeks since I did any creative hobbies (music – and months for art). My eye is compulsively wandering more on the street at the moment. I am checking myself but it’s getting harder to control. Sometimes my first thought is penetrative sex if I see someone in shorts. I am trying to let the feelings go, but I am increasingly frustrated by it. My inner world is pretty angry at the moment. I argue with people in my head. My personal journal is becoming repetitive cycles of dissatisfaction/self-loathing.

POSITIVES:
Day 93 no PMO
Day 31 no MO
Relationship is in a better place
Sex life is more frequent
Son is healthy (and a joy)
Meditating 10 mins per day (day 5)
Started listening to a podcast about Buddhism

 

[Simon2]

I've definitely felt like that at times too. I think finding something purposeful to focus on can be helpful? A project you've wanted to do, a trip to plan, a book to read...

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I've definitely felt like that at times too. I think finding something purposeful to focus on can be helpful? A project you've wanted to do, a trip to plan, a book to read...

This is good advice SimonM, thanks. I've noticed others mention that 3 to 5 months can be difficult for some. Something purposeful is exactly what I need right now.

 

[GBS]

@PrometheusUnbound - your stats are impressive but we all know the numbers don’t mean a damn thing if the devil is still on your shoulder. @SimonM is right that a purposeful project works well. The “purposeful“ is a bang on word. Create, innovate, be proud. Don’t let the devil back in.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Following your suggestion @SimonM , I have started listening to the Secular Buddhism podcast and taking notes on each episode. Today is Episode 3 about emptiness and impermanence. I noted down what I thought were some important points:

Emptiness is often misunderstood as nothingness, but actually means that things have no intrinsic existence of their own. They are empty of permanent self, constantly changing paths of causes and conditions. The podcast discussed Plato’s allegory of the cave, and how we only see shadows of things, and not the things themselves. The others that couldn’t believe in the real world because they had only experienced shadows. The way we view our lives and suffering is through our stories of them but these are only shadows. We need to empty our cups and start looking with fresh perspectives, the eyes of a beginner if we are to learn anything – how life is rather than the story of how life is. We cling to things as if they were permanent. Recovering from suffering will be easier if we realise this. The Buddha taught that we should view ourselves and everything around us as sequences of momentary events, not as solid things. Our story has never quite been told before. We can take responsibility for our lives and govern who we are.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 95; no MO Day 33

@GBS Yes, I had started to look at the number, and not the process and the reasons why I am doing this.

“Purposefulness”
I want to be a better father. Than my father, but also than I would have been. I want to live actively, not just decay in a haze of dopamine fixes. I want to create, but also stop beating myself up for not creating. I want to see things more clearly. And I have been taking time off creating to see things more clearly. I want to be a better partner. I want to have a healthier view of sex. I want to stop constantly objectifying women. I want to be more content with what I have, not constantly wishing I had something else no matter what I have. I want to face myself. I want to stop fighting with myself and then hiding. To see without flinching and turning away. To accept and grow. To change. To accept change and not run from it. To bridge the gap between my inner and outer worlds. To stop being so concerned with the appearance of things. To stop presenting 'myself'. To live more in the present.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 96; no MO Day 34

My partner and baby son were away last night. I did stay up too late watching Netlix I also ate too much junk food. However, I didn’t look at porn or wank. I did have my first significant urge to look at porn for a while, and it was a slightly nihilistic urge, to say fuck it. I didn’t, but the urge was stronger that it has been for some time. For a moment I wondered if it was a good thing that I am spending so much time being horny/wanting to wank. Shouldn’t I just get it done and have some release? I thought about posting on RN that I had, and it discouraged me somewhat. I also had the notion that it wouldn’t satisfy me, not in a way that matched the urges. Delayed gratification is vital and is an important part of the process.

I spoke to my younger brother for the first time in about 3 months. I last spoke to him before my day zero, when I broke down, and hadn’t since. I talked to him about the porn addiction. He mentioned some struggles that he had in the past, the shame, and how he’s maybe at a couple of times per week and sometimes it’s down, sometimes up. Wondering whether he should, knowing it’s powerful stuff. I haven’t talked about it in person in any depth with anyone aside from my partner so it was nice to talk about it. It did feel a little strange though, as I felt like I didn’t have anything else to talk about. It has become a little obsessive, and how I view the world at the moment. Still, it’s real and it’s something I have to work through. I still have urges and have to be careful. I still have to reshape my life so that I don’t go back.

I'm reasserting my commitment to moving forward.

 

[Aeodh Dan]

I don't have to tell you this but the release only lasts for a short time.
We are now on the road to long term commitment my friend, over 120 days for me now, no anything. Also the longest in my life since what age 10? It's crazy, but at a certain point it's enough. At a certain point we just bear the pain, we just punch through the wall.
I also have nobody to talk to concerning this issue, and it's the most important victory in my life right now, everything else is second place. But how do you convey this to anyone, you can't, because it's very personal, it's just between me and my God. And maybe my dog. But he is not ashamed to masturbate...poor animal. So, he doesn't get it anyways, nonetheless, at least he listens....

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I don't have to tell you this but the release only lasts for a short time.
We are now on the road to long term commitment my friend, over 120 days for me now, no anything. Also the longest in my life since what age 10? It's crazy, but at a certain point it's enough. At a certain point we just bear the pain, we just punch through the wall.
I also have nobody to talk to concerning this issue, and it's the most important victory in my life right now, everything else is second place. But how do you convey this to anyone, you can't, because it's very personal, it's just between me and my God. And maybe my dog. But he is not ashamed to masturbate...poor animal. So, he doesn't get it anyways, nonetheless, at least he listens.

You may not have had to tell, but I am very glad you did!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 102; no MO Day 40

It's been a difficult few days of fighting with my partner. Some justified anger (on both sides) but mostly mine, which I haven't been able to shake off. I yelled last night, and our baby woke up crying. I've been writing things down and trying to break out of my circular thinking. I tend to angrily argue in my head, but this only reinforces my one-sided emotions and doesn't change the reality of the situation, which is far more nuanced. I've had a number of significant urges to act out, mostly through masturbation, once or twice porn, and also some minor cheating fantasies. I haven't been especially close to following through but it's of course physically right there; and it all remains my instinctual go to thought to deal with high stress. I have been meditating twice a day and trying to understand myself more. However, in moments like these, my brain is crying out "see, meditating and not masturbating (with or without porn) isn't working", but I know it's more important that I continue precisely during these times. When I spoke to my partner this morning, I was a lot more giving in the conversation than I would have been in the past, despite my anger, so I know some things are changing for the better.