Moving Forward
- Thread starter PrometheusUnbound
- Start date
Cheers PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
No PMO Day 280; no MO Day 11
The other night I Googled [insert celebrity name here] nudes after seeing a video on YT discussing her Onlyfans page. I clicked on the first link. My App blocker stops all 18+ material, and it blocked the link. I clicked on the next two. All stopped. I then clicked on the Images tab. There were some bikini pictures, but no full on adult material. I had my ‘wtf am I doing’ moment then and closed the tab and put my phone down. I had a stomach ache and felt the jolting rush of the chase. When decided to search I half knew what I was doing. But it was through a labyrinth of twisted logic. I won’t go on a 'porn' site; I only want to see this particular thing; I won’t wank.
Celebrity nudes is probably the first thing I ever typed into a search engine as a teenager. I think I felt a little FOMO the other night. I have no problem with the idea of never going on a porn site ever again, but there is a part of me that feels aggrieved that I will never see this hot famous person naked even though so many can at the push of a button. And I’m trying to work out what that feeling is. Do I feel I am entitled to see this person without clothes? Or is it just that I have done this so many times in my life, whenever I heard of a new actress or saw a movie, Id type "[insert name here] nudes" straight into Google, that those neural pathways are still wired that way. When I said I half knew what I was doing, the other half was watching myself make a stupid decision. Just like my fellow addicts in Dopamine Nation, which I am a quarter of the way into. I had a similar feeling a while ago on another YT video where people were discussing another celebrity’s OF page. I didn’t act on it at all, but the thought and feeling of it lingered for a few days. I’m glad this time didn’t lead to a relapse, but the possibility was hovering right there. The thing that saved the situation was the blockers, and also the fact I had committed to a month of no MO. If I was MOing then the decision to step away would have been a lot more difficult.
One common denominator here is YouTube, which I would say is the most unhealthy aspect of my existence right now. I spend far too much time watching utter nonsense on it; and, similar to porn, I try to watch less and cut down, but it doesn’t really work. It is really like I swapped out one addiction for another. When I first stopped using social media for a while, the first thing that happened was YT use shot up. Another factor is probably is stress in my relationship. Now that we are back we have slipped into familiar patterns and habits. The next day I could feel that I still wanted to see the material and MO to it, and I didn't want to be intimate with my partner (I was at work and there was no chance of it anyway, but the feeling was there). It still has a degree of power over me that is quite scary .
Still, I'm pushing on. I'm lucky I didn't see it. And I will continue to be blessed as long as I don't. The only thing I am missing out on is being miserable, not something of value.
The other night I Googled [insert celebrity name here] nudes after seeing a video on YT discussing her Onlyfans page. I clicked on the first link. My App blocker stops all 18+ material, and it blocked the link. I clicked on the next two. All stopped. I then clicked on the Images tab. There were some bikini pictures, but no full on adult material. I had my ‘wtf am I doing’ moment then and closed the tab and put my phone down. I had a stomach ache and felt the jolting rush of the chase. When decided to search I half knew what I was doing. But it was through a labyrinth of twisted logic. I won’t go on a 'porn' site; I only want to see this particular thing; I won’t wank.
Celebrity nudes is probably the first thing I ever typed into a search engine as a teenager. I think I felt a little FOMO the other night. I have no problem with the idea of never going on a porn site ever again, but there is a part of me that feels aggrieved that I will never see this hot famous person naked even though so many can at the push of a button. And I’m trying to work out what that feeling is. Do I feel I am entitled to see this person without clothes? Or is it just that I have done this so many times in my life, whenever I heard of a new actress or saw a movie, Id type "[insert name here] nudes" straight into Google, that those neural pathways are still wired that way. When I said I half knew what I was doing, the other half was watching myself make a stupid decision. Just like my fellow addicts in Dopamine Nation, which I am a quarter of the way into. I had a similar feeling a while ago on another YT video where people were discussing another celebrity’s OF page. I didn’t act on it at all, but the thought and feeling of it lingered for a few days. I’m glad this time didn’t lead to a relapse, but the possibility was hovering right there. The thing that saved the situation was the blockers, and also the fact I had committed to a month of no MO. If I was MOing then the decision to step away would have been a lot more difficult.
One common denominator here is YouTube, which I would say is the most unhealthy aspect of my existence right now. I spend far too much time watching utter nonsense on it; and, similar to porn, I try to watch less and cut down, but it doesn’t really work. It is really like I swapped out one addiction for another. When I first stopped using social media for a while, the first thing that happened was YT use shot up. Another factor is probably is stress in my relationship. Now that we are back we have slipped into familiar patterns and habits. The next day I could feel that I still wanted to see the material and MO to it, and I didn't want to be intimate with my partner (I was at work and there was no chance of it anyway, but the feeling was there). It still has a degree of power over me that is quite scary .
Still, I'm pushing on. I'm lucky I didn't see it. And I will continue to be blessed as long as I don't. The only thing I am missing out on is being miserable, not something of value.
Love this. I am all too familiar with these moments of insanity, and the thought/compulsion 'I just want to...' But you pulled out of it and looked at the triggers so it's both a reminder and a win right?
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @PrometheusUnbound, first of all congrats on staying clean and yes, sometimes those blocking apps can really save us from our slave-like actions. This feels very similar to me. I too had my first experiences with nudity in a lot of ways with nude actresses etc. so I understand this completely.
Why can't we look at pictures like everyone else?
I've asked myself this many times over the last years, especially this last one. I think eventually, just as I've done with porn, I had to say that it just wasn't an option for me anymore. And yes, I got pissed about that
. All of this stuff is part of the problem, because it's all tied in together, into our habits starting from an young age, and unfortunately, it's hard to do one without the other. Obvious we "could" do one without the other, but at this point, what's really the point of the exercise? I think this time around, I finally have got to the point where I don't really care anymore, although there's moments, where I still feel it's not fair!. I saw a movie last night with a cute girl in it. Back in the day (as in after I quit porn five years ago) I would have Googled her and looked at some pictures, not nudes, but pictures nonetheless. This time around, I don't do that much anymore, I might just look her up on Wikipedia or something, but that's about it. Is that too far in the opposite direction? Probably. But does it work? Yes.
Is it stupid that we can't watch nude scenes like other full grown adults? Yeah, it's really fucking stupid lol. But I've finally come to the conclusion that a relapse would be even worse and even more stupid. We must get it into our heads that we're not "missing out on anything" if we don't see some new hottie's boobs etc. It was funny when we were teenagers looking for hot pictures of Britney Spears (that was one of many for me!) but eventually, we have to grow up. Maybe I'm going too far the other way, I totally admit that, I might even become less strict as time goes on. But I do know this, that there is nothing better than being free from this nonsense, and if that means never seeing stuff like that again, then so be it.
Just my thoughts brother.
Why can't we look at pictures like everyone else?
I've asked myself this many times over the last years, especially this last one. I think eventually, just as I've done with porn, I had to say that it just wasn't an option for me anymore. And yes, I got pissed about that
. All of this stuff is part of the problem, because it's all tied in together, into our habits starting from an young age, and unfortunately, it's hard to do one without the other. Obvious we "could" do one without the other, but at this point, what's really the point of the exercise? I think this time around, I finally have got to the point where I don't really care anymore, although there's moments, where I still feel it's not fair!. I saw a movie last night with a cute girl in it. Back in the day (as in after I quit porn five years ago) I would have Googled her and looked at some pictures, not nudes, but pictures nonetheless. This time around, I don't do that much anymore, I might just look her up on Wikipedia or something, but that's about it. Is that too far in the opposite direction? Probably. But does it work? Yes.Is it stupid that we can't watch nude scenes like other full grown adults? Yeah, it's really fucking stupid lol. But I've finally come to the conclusion that a relapse would be even worse and even more stupid. We must get it into our heads that we're not "missing out on anything" if we don't see some new hottie's boobs etc. It was funny when we were teenagers looking for hot pictures of Britney Spears (that was one of many for me!
) but eventually, we have to grow up. Maybe I'm going too far the other way, I totally admit that, I might even become less strict as time goes on. But I do know this, that there is nothing better than being free from this nonsense, and if that means never seeing stuff like that again, then so be it.Just my thoughts brother.
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Blondie
Respected Member
How you doing @PrometheusUnbound?