Moving Forward

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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 193; no MO Day 131

I'm focusing on the recovery aspect these days, not so much the addiction itself. Yesterday I had a rude awakening when something I had seen in my darkest days flashed into my head. Ironically it made me realise that for maybe the first time in my life, I feel good about myself. But I'm really not that far out from being someone I despised. Someone whose moral compass was pretty skewed. Someone who thought 'shit, close this browser it's killing my high', rather than 'close this browser, this is completely unacceptable, re-evaluate all life choices'. Someone whose pursuit of pleasure blinded him to the suffering of others. I get a second shot at life where others do not. So for me, I think it can't just be about feeling better, I really have to be a better person. I'm not quite sure where this goes or how to get there. But I will start at home.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Remember to constantly reflect and recollect whatever good you have done across the day.
It is this process that reminds us we are good people, have done well and is awesome.

You're doing great!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 200; no MO Day 138

I've reached day 200 no PMO. I'm really happy about that. I think quitting porn might be the best decision I have ever made, the one with the least downsides anyhow. Stopping MO is really helping out too. I can see myself more clearly and am not so afraid of the future. I still have a long way to go. I have a lot of emotional issues to work through, I'm also not exactly a picture of physical health. I noticed that part of the ogling I was doing was a desire to be noticed and found attractive back. But I already have a partner and child so shouldn't be in mate-acquisition mode all the time. I think this is something that porn messes up in the brain, and because it's used to sooth negative emotions, negative emotions become chained to that mode of thought. I think the best way to improve the situation will be to get more physically healthy and feel attractive in myself.

I was listening to a podcast with Gabor Mate recently which led me to observe that I frequently need to be in the right with my partner, and it's motivated by a need to feel in the right more than a pursuit of the 'truth'. It frustrates me when we don't agree because, as he put it, it's her job to shield me from the feelings of always being wrong, which stem from my childhood. I have placed this expectation on relationships and partners for as long as I can remember. I've always thought they would save me, or at least were a safe place where I didn't have to change my behaviour, because I didn't want to feel that messy feeling of being wrong all the time. I've always been afraid to admit it because it feels like a massive house of cards would fall down and the whole fabric of reality would collapse. If I admit that I am more motivated by the feeling of being right, I am admitting I am an authoritarian tyrrant who is more similar to his father than he'd like to admit. In reality she loves me in spite of this flawed behaviour, and if I acknowledged it more things wouldn't collapse, we would both actually be happier in the relationship.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
No PMO Day 32; no MO Day 32

It's been a while since my last post. Things are going well in general. A month ago I had a night of extreme stress and insomnia where I shit the bed a little and jerked off to an old video that my partner and I had made and a fuzzy photo of an ex's boobs that I had found. I deleted the photo but MO'd to the video twice more in 24 hours before deleting it. It didn't feel good, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been. It did serve as a wake up call. I didn't and haven't looked at any internet porn, but I stretched the boundary as far as I could go. And it definitely increased urges over the next week.

Am currently in the UK for another week, having traveled with partner and son to see my family for Christmas and New Year. It's been stressful, as my son got quite sick and hasn't been able to settle, but I've been making sure to use more healthy methods to deal with stress and communication. My relationship is in a great place, and watching my son learn to walk and communicate has been a joy. This time, being around my family has also helped me learn more about myself and them too, and I think that we are all closer for it. They have welcomed my partner into family in a great way.

I miss seeing the high number on my counter, but I feel good about the journey and where it has brought me so far.

Happy New Year to all.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Welcome back @PrometheusUnbound - maybe I’m a lightweight but I think as you didn’t watch porn your numbers are back up, or at least your PMO number is. What is abundantly clear is you’re back on the road, and your relationship is sound. That’s numero uno for life.

And watching your son walk…..I am envious (in a nice way) on multiple counts.

Keep going pal.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Happy Chinese New Year everyone.

Am back from the UK straight into Chinese New Year with my partner's family. There has been stress returning to life here for both of us. I have been reading "The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate" which my mum gave to me. I think it's already helping. I have never considered that love isn't (just) something you feel, it's something you practise and do. and letting things go, or exercising patience can be acts of love. I am trying to see beyond my own perspective in as many situations as possible.

I learned a lot about myself from being around my family for the past few weeks. My brother commented that I am a lot softer than before, and not as stressed. We all have anger issues. And it was nice to be able talk about it openly. Observing myself in them has given me some perspective to deal with my issues back here. We've been back 3 days but it feels very far now. For the first time I've come back and I miss them terribly; previously I'd just been caught up in the drama in my head.

With regards to the addiction, I haven't pmo'd or mo'd since the lapse at the beginning of December. I do have occasional urges, the odd voice saying 'wouldn't it be nice' or 'fuck it' but I know they are echoes of a former life if I keep making the right choices. My danger behaviours are watching Korean dancers on IG ir YT. Also sleeping on the sofa. I do remain a pervert, but it's all within the bounds of my relationship now. If I am going to follow a line of fantasy, I discuss it with partner. If she is happy with it I treat as at least manageable (I am not sure I have a good perspective on what is healthy yet). Luckily we are fairly aligned in this respect, or at least she finds my imagination fun.

Life is messy and scary, but also beautiful and full of light. Love.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Looks like you're doing great @PrometheusUnbound.

I too like the Five love Languages, it's an interesting book to be sure. It's has definitely helped me out when trying to think about how to show love to someone else. It's kind of funny but the mantra do unto others as you would have then do unto you is almost egotistical or at the very least, seeing the world only through your own eyes. Whereas that book asks you to love someone how "they" would want to be loved and not your version of it. An interesting concept.

Best brother!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Blondie said:
Looks like you're doing great @PrometheusUnbound.

I too like the Five love Languages, it's an interesting book to be sure. It's has definitely helped me out when trying to think about how to show love to someone else. It's kind of funny but the mantra do unto others as you would have then do unto you is almost egotistical or at the very least, seeing the world only through your own eyes. Whereas that book asks you to love someone how "they" would want to be loved and not your version of it. An interesting concept.

Best brother!
Click to expand...
I'm only a part way through it, but it seems powerful stuff. 'Do unto others as they would have done unto themselves (even if it not your primary love language)' is a new one!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
My partner, son and I are back at home after a lengthy stay away. Old emotions are stirring back up a little; little unresolved clams waiting for some salt on our return. We're trying to not to escalate things, but it's been a day of little things becoming big things. My partner mentioned that while with my family and hers I have been a patient and thoughtful version of myself over the past 6 weeks, but now that we are back not so much. We ended the day by listing some positives to each other. And the mosquitoes are so starved from us being away that they are sluggish and easily dispatched with.

I MO'd a couple of times during the last week. All consciously decided and enjoyable enough (and surprisingly short) so no guilt or stress about resetting on my part. I am aware that they were not enough though. Maybe nothing will ever be enough in that regard. I think only the great edge into the sky will do for me so it's something I have to continue to keep in check. Also, the value I place on sex and the fulfillment of my fantasies rises and falls a lot. It is lower than it used to be certainly, but I'm still searching for a healthy balance. That is something that has definitely not been linear during this journey. I'm looking forward to reading, meditating, journaling and being generally more mindful now that we are back. All of these things have helped get me on the right track in the past year.

Porn is out though and is staying out. It's been about 260 days since I last went online to look at P. Abstinence, in this case, has not made the heart grow fonder.

Onwards!
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
[No MO Day 2]

I'm restarting a counter for MO as I did it another time after my last post, and with oil, which marks an escalation in the habit. I also felt a little disgusted with myself for a moment after which made realise I wasn't moving in a direction I'm comfortable with. I am starting with an initial goal of 30 days, and then will extend it from there. Since making the decision I feel I have urges a lot, mostly just being aware of my junk a lot of the time. I have that familiar backed up feeling - almost UTIish - that I know wanking would only make worse, not resolve. Ah, the irony of cravings . And as I suspected I am not over my addiction to masturbating. Last year I went on a no MO streak for 153 days, followed by 42 days but just doing it once still opens the floodgates (as it were) and puts me back in a position where I have to really focus.

Re-introducing some discipline into my life does feel good though.

Now to go and have that cold shower I've been putting off for the last 3 hours.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
@PrometheusUnbound
MO will ALWAYS feel good. It's not you. It's in our genes. Just as junk food heavy with oil, salt and sugar like chips will always taste good.

So the question to ask is not why we MO, but why we don't.
It's only those healthy No-Mo reasons and habits that will help keep us on the clean path.

Spend time everyday to reconnect with your daily happiness. For example,

Today I had breakfast with my family, visited some friends, observed some beautiful animals, and a restful afternoon. Yeah that's it. Simple. But remembering makes me happy and satiated.

Hope you can practice these simple habits too. Take care my friend.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
TakeActionNow said:
@PrometheusUnbound
MO will ALWAYS feel good. It's not you. It's in our genes. Just as junk food heavy with oil, salt and sugar like chips will always taste good.

So the question to ask is not why we MO, but why we don't.
It's only those healthy No-Mo reasons and habits that will help keep us on the clean path.

Spend time everyday to reconnect with your daily happiness. For example,

Today I had breakfast with my family, visited some friends, observed some beautiful animals, and a restful afternoon. Yeah that's it. Simple. But remembering makes me happy and satiated.

Hope you can practice these simple habits too. Take care my friend.
Click to expand...
Cheers, TakeActionNow, it's important to focus on the positives everyday.

My son entertained us all by biting a slice of lemon, scrunching up his face, laughing and then taking another bite.

My partner and I went on a Sunday morning cinema date while we left him with his grandparents for a couple of hours.

It has been a sunny day on the last day of the Chinese New Year holiday.

My worked mailed me to say I got a payrise earlier.

I'm lucky to have my family.

Happy Sunday.
 
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PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
[No PMO 274; No MO Day 5]

After some consideration, and something that @GBS had mentioned to me before, I have decided that my slip in December didn't constitute a full relapse - it was within my outer edges. My gift to myself is that I am restoring my counter. If/when I make it to May this year, I aim to celebrate a year clean. It is motivating for me.

Things are returning to normal here after the trip. And with it the usual emotions and reactivity. While meditating today I noticed that every so often I was topping up my irritation at something my partner had done. Just reminding myself that I was annoyed and holding on to the feeling. And the thing wasn't even worth holding onto really. It was slightly ridiculous to watch.

I want to continue to grow this year.
 
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