Moving Forward

[PrometheusUnbound]

@GBS I think you are right, I have to give it some serious thought. And setting time aside to do that will be very important. Opening up has brought up some complicated emotions and my usual habit is to close back down. I think it's an opportunity to buck the trend. I really. really appreciate your input on this.

@Beautiful1973 Thank you. Time will tell about the peace, but it's great to hear your perspective as my mind has been trying to find the negatives in it because it made me feel so vulnerable.

@Schmuck Glad to hear about your positive experience. You are also on a great path. Let's keep it going!

 

[Beautiful1973]

@Beautiful1973 Thank you. Time will tell about the peace, but it's great to hear your perspective as my mind has been trying to find the negatives in it because it made me feel so vulnerable.

@PrometheusUnbound it takes great courage to be vulnerable!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 165; no MO Day 103

I checked my Google Drive to make sure there was no more inappropriate content after sharing something with my partner on there. I thought there wouldn't be but there were some nude photos of an ex. It immediately hit me in my gut, the stomach ache started right away (a little like A Clockwork Orange). I didn't look directly but had select each one to empty into the trash. I had a split second thought to have a farewell wank but emptied the trash immediately. I then found some videos of my partner and I. I didn't feel the same stress at all so scrolled past, then remembered that it's porn and deleted them too. I am not 100% sure, but I think that is everything now. This would have been unthinkable for me before, so it's progress and I know I am committed to this journey. I am also glad that my moral compass is returning. The stress I felt about the photos means my sense of right and wrong is returning.

Yesterday in the office an attractive lady (I have mentioned before) stood in my eye-line in a very short skirt for 90 minutes during a meeting I was in. Every time the person I was talking to moved her head, there she was. In the past I would have ogled, ached, fantasised and then MO'd later. I tuned it out. It feels like the meditation and practice on the street is working better. That's as long as I keep up the work. But it's nice to be able to see some progress in myself.

With regards the apology I made the other day, I'm not sure if it's a turning point for me, although it is definitely a positive thing that I did it. I didn't feel peace after, but wanted to escape from the complicated and messy feelings that it brought up. I think this is one of my biggest issues, and what porn was medicating in the past. I need to stop treating difficult emotions as bad for me. I need to learn to sit with them and make more measured decisions about what to do. There is still so much I am avoiding, and a mountain of people I have to get back to (not even to apologise, apart from apologising that I didn't get back to them). Messages I haven't replied to for over a year that are baggage I am carrying with me. Confronting this is my next mission.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@PrometheusUnbound the knowledge that you have nothing to hide is very powerful. It is the power of radical honesty, and adds tons of confidence to ourself.
Deliberate deleting and letting go of the past liberates and frees us for the future. You are progressing and I'm very proud of you.

In the meanwhile, continue to be kind towards yourself. Change is never easy, but you are changing, so go easy and keep on letting go. Remember to recognize yourself every step of the way!

 

[Nico]

This is very inspiring, the powerful steps you are taking. Especially the cleaning of the hard drive, which seems very symbolic!

 

[GBS]

Prommers ( aka @PrometheusUnbound ) you ok?

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 174; no MO Day 112

It's been a while since my last entry. Life is up and down. I think I needed a little break from the site. Things have been difficult with my partner for a while. Yesterday she admitted that she has an alcohol problem. It is good that she has finally acknowledged it, but the issues surrounding it have been taking a toll on the relationship. I have to practice patience, compassion and forgiveness, but we are in a difficult place.

Last week I told my mum about my porn addiction when talking on the phone. I was letting her know some of our relationship issues and why I hadn't booked flights back to the UK for Christmas yet (she hasn't met her grandson yet). She said I was brave for being so honest and open with her.

During that week I had my first relapse dreams, 2 in one night! I was pretty glad they were dreams when I woke up. One stressful night some time before I had let myself log on to IG and do all the things I know make me feel bad, and these are not only sexual in nature, I also checked an ex's profile, and also a random guy's profile which I used to compulsively check because it made me cringe (I could see myself in it). The dream somehow related to social media and me discussing with myself having to go onto RN and announce it. Apart from that though, no huge urges or desire to self destruct. I continue to practise not ogling.

I've been off work sick for a couple of days (again) and have become (re)addicted to Youtube shorts. It's definitely killing brain cells. I have been supplementing it with an interesting book Why Buddhism Is True by Robert Wright. Meditation has been bringing me some clarity to the way I react to certain things. My son continues to be a joy, and, despite the stress I am mentally in a healthier place than I have been in a very long time.

Best.

 

[Ingibjörg]

I think it is great you are being honest with your mom and with the message you wrote earlier about someone you betrayed. Great that you are opening up and talking about what bothers you, instead of running. Great example!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 175; no MO Day 113

The more emotional and mental clarity I get these days, the more I can see how my partner's and my relationship has been based on enabling each others' insecurities and addictions so that we don't have to deal with our own. It's something I really hope to change in the future, but it's hard.

Urges to MO have been pretty high today. I considered it momentarily but realised that I would need to edge for a long time to match the urge and cancelled the idea. I enjoyed meditation for the first time though. Usually I get 15 minutes in and the idea of wanting it to end pops in, which makes the last 5 minutes especially difficult. I have recently read a few techniques which are making the process smoother.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I have recently read a few techniques which are making the process smoother.

I’d love to hear what these are?

 

[GrateClips]

reading your journal reminds me why I've been not making the most of my own recovery -- abstinence/sobriety is just the easy part. its the examination of ourselves and process improvement within the context of sobriety that truly matters. I think this is why many addicts fail. they just try and be sober without any other life changes.

anyways i wanted to say your early/initial posts are really powerful and sobering, no pun intended. it takes a lot to confront what we truly are. The voyeurism part and letting go of the materials I think really kind of hit me.. I've never done that type of thing but I know I've certainly fantasized about making videos and having a stash of photos of women I know in real life. I can imagine its extremely difficult to let that go and be deleted but you did it.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

I’d love to hear what these are?

Hi @Beautiful1973

One of them is breath counting, 1 in 1 out, then 2 in 2 out until you get to 10 then start again from 1. If you lose count, start again from 1. When you feel your mind is quieter stop counting, and if you start to lose focus, start the counting again. I found myself getting frustrated that I kept losing count until I realised it wasn't a test, just a method to regain focus on my breath and it doesn't matter if I lose count as long as I refocus.

Imagining the breath is a pebble thrown in a stream/river. It is the center and will rest stable on the bottom, no matter how long it takes to get there.

Identifying thoughts and feeling when they arise eg. there is a thought about wanting this (meditation) to be over, or there is a thought about a random thing 25 years ago, there is a feeling of anxiety in my stomach; and then returning to breathing in and out. Identifying apparently puts some distance between you and the feeling. I remind myself of the ideas that I am not my thoughts and that I don't control them, they appear by themselves. And importantly, relating to this, reminding myself not to get frustrated that there are so many thoughts there, it's perfectly natural and to be expected, just return to focusing on my breathing.

And finally apparently it isn't enough to do it just during 'practice time'. I try to apply the techniques at some other times, like doing the washing up, folding the laundry, even fighting with my partner or generally feeling anxious. It actually helps the sitting process and vice-versa.

Is meditation something you have done/do?

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

reading your journal reminds me why I've been not making the most of my own recovery -- abstinence/sobriety is just the easy part. its the examination of ourselves and process improvement within the context of sobriety that truly matters. I think this is why many addicts fail. they just try and be sober without any other life changes.

anyways i wanted to say your early/initial posts are really powerful and sobering, no pun intended. it takes a lot to confront what we truly are. The voyeurism part and letting go of the materials I think really kind of hit me.. I've never done that type of thing but I know I've certainly fantasized about making videos and having a stash of photos of women I know in real life. I can imagine its extremely difficult to let that go and be deleted but you did it.

Hi @GrateClips Thank you. I know what you mean, although I'm not sure if it's the 'easy' part ha. Facing myself hasn't been easy, and now that I have done a bit of soul searching, there is a part of me that feels like 'that's good enough, you can take it easy now'. But I'm just at the beginning of my journey.

I am a voyeur. When it was a porn category in my head, there was nothing wrong with it. Now that I am out, holy crap, it's so unhealthy and I had no idea how it had infiltrated every part of my life.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Is meditation something you have done/do?

Thanks @PrometheusUnbound
I've done a lot of yoga and some meditation, but I would like to do more, I just find it hard to quieten my mind and relax.
I went to a breathwork workshop last year and I noticed I was really fidgety in the relaxation poses for the first 1/2 hour, my mind was racing.....and to be honest I felt like I wanted to cry.
I've booked into a Buddhist meditation workshop next month, which I'm really looking forward too and will hopefully teach me so new techniques.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Thanks @PrometheusUnbound
I've done a lot of yoga and some meditation, but I would like to do more, I just find it hard to quieten my mind and relax.
I went to a breathwork workshop last year and I noticed I was really fidgety in the relaxation poses for the first 1/2 hour, my mind was racing.....and to be honest I felt like I wanted to cry.
I've booked into a Buddhist meditation workshop next month, which I'm really looking forward too and will hopefully teach me so new techniques.

That sounds great. I think a workshop would do wonders for me too. In the past I've come out of some meditation sessions more upset than I went in!

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 182; no MO Day 120

I'm counting today as celebrating my 6 months mark. My partner and I have just worked our way through a difficult period, I think learning more about ourselves and each other. I think we are both on the same page about wanting to heal and trust each other more. Today we went to an awesome art exhibition with our son (his first such outing). He loved it, we loved it, and went for British-style fish and chips afterwards - surprisingly good. We ended the day by playing volleyball with a giant inflatable dice in the living room, which sent him into hysterics.

Because I have to sit with my feelings so much now, I sometimes forget that being sober (all of them, but especially from porn) is a good thing. I have to remind myself that just because things don't feel comfortable, it doesn't mean they are bad. I'm getting better at it slowly. I'm still prone to obsessive circular thinking too, but more aware of it than before. Like many others, watching way too much bullshit on the internet seems to be creeping in, and then the barriers start weakening, and suddenly I'm scrolling social media, having disabled the blockers on my phone. My desire for porn, at the moment though, is almost non-existent. So here's to the next 6 months of being porn free. This journey is really changing my life.

And you good folks at RN are a huge source of inspiration to keep going.

Cheers.

 

[Nico]

Well done mate - that's amazing and inspiring

 

[TakeActionNow]

My fellow father, I wholely believe our child is the key to our salvation.
1. Gives us focus and attention
2. Give us purpose and direction
3. Gives us 100% unconditional love.
4. Gives us the opportunity to love openly and unreservingly
5. Gives us the opportunity to take care and help another


Unlike other addictions, Porn addiction is a relationship issue. We seek more human contact than non addicts.
It's not sex cravings we desire. It's love and affection.

When you focus on giving love to your child, the joys of holding him in your arms and watching him laugh is more happy than any other forms in this world.

One last thing:
Don't dwell on any other things.
Time passes very fast and the baby moments are gone very quickly, and never return.
Focus on your child wholely now and you will be deeply rewarded for many years to come.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

Thanks @TakeActionNow This made me tear up a little. It's a timely reminder for me as I had gotten caught up in my own emotions and have been going through the motions a little. It's a fleeting time and is the more precious for that.

 

[PrometheusUnbound]

No PMO Day 191; no MO Day 129

Things are busy and going well. My relationship with my partner has turned a corner, with really open communication, intimacy and trust on both sides. Both of our work schedules have calmed a little recently, which has meant more time with our son who is growing up fast. Going out for meals, to art events, the park together. We really feel like a family now. And my love for him is only growing.

I have massively increased sexual desire at the moment, and haven't quite worked out how to manage it, or what level of fantasy is healthy for me; but there is no desire for PMO or even MO. My partner has welcomed the return of my (albeit more healthy) perverted self and has given me a space where I can be honest with whatever messy feelings I have. I am giving her the same.

During the past 6 months I have had a little taste of being addicted to 'self improvement'. I can see how easy it is to happen, and the rush of reading something that makes sense and feeling like things can change. So you read another book to get that same rush, but the same issues remain. I'm hope to be more realistic with the changes I can make. The improvement comes in getting through the tough times, when the rush has worn off.

​

“Do not try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.”​

The Dalai Lama