Numb Inside

[I@andothis]

Looking for a friend/accountability partner.

Please Help!!!!!

I just turned 60 yrs old in May and have been addicted to porn since Jr. High. I'm supposed to be a Christian man but I'm failing miserably. I am ashamed of my addiction and deal with anxiety, loneliness, and guilt on a daily basis. Porn has been a horrible monster in my life for far too long and I need to stop. I have found that I cannot do this on my own. I need help!

I have an incredible wife and two adult sons. I really believe that my addiction has messed up my life to where mentally, physically, and spiritually, I am so distant from my family, and life in general. I feel Numb Inside. I try to put on a "happy face" when I'm around them, but on the inside, I'm crying out for help.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[TryingHarder]

Welcome, I@andothis. If you're new to the forum and to rebooting, take time to read as much as you can about porn addiction and how to stop it.

Here's a good place to start (Noah Church's website)

If you haven't already, get your hands on a copy of Your Brain On Porn and read it cover to cover. And at some point you will need to have an honest conversation with your wife and share what's going on.

Good luck! Stay on this forum for lots of good advice and support from others who are going through the same experience.

 

[GrateClips]

Looking for a friend/accountability partner.

Please Help!!!!!

I just turned 60 yrs old in May and have been addicted to porn since Jr. High. I'm supposed to be a Christian man but I'm failing miserably. I am ashamed of my addiction and deal with anxiety, loneliness, and guilt on a daily basis. Porn has been a horrible monster in my life for far too long and I need to stop. I have found that I cannot do this on my own. I need help!

I have an incredible wife and two adult sons. I really believe that my addiction has messed up my life to where mentally, physically, and spiritually, I am so distant from my family, and life in general. I feel Numb Inside. I try to put on a "happy face" when I'm around them, but on the inside, I'm crying out for help.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

have you actually told your wife or even children about this yet?

 

[I@andothis]

Welcome, I@andothis. If you're new to the forum and to rebooting, take time to read as much as you can about porn addiction and how to stop it.

Here's a good place to start (Noah Church's website)

If you haven't already, get your hands on a copy of Your Brain On Porn and read it cover to cover. And at some point you will need to have an honest conversation with your wife and share what's going on.

Good luck! Stay on this forum for lots of good advice and support from others who are going through the same experience.

GrateClips-

Thanks for the newbie info and the Noah Church info. I'm heading there once I'm done replying to you. I feel like I'm an ant trying to climb the wall of the Hoover Dam. I guess it's baby steps for now.

Thanks again.

 

[TryingHarder]

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

 

[I@andothis]

have you actually told your wife or even children about this yet?

So, here's the story. Several years ago I joined this group and things were going pretty well and I was able to put a lot of distance between myself and PMO. I think I was out about 6 months without any issues. At that time I felt good enough to tell my wife of my porn addiction and more importantly, that I had 6 months behind me. Obviously, she was devastated and hurt. She made it sound as if this ever happened again that she would leave me. As of this past Feb, we have been married for 23 yrs.

Even while I was 6 months out, I began experiencing a lot of depression, anxiety, and a whole host of physical problems. I was in and out of hospitals and therapy offices for years. I lost my job and life began to spiral out of control even more for me. The porn was an easy escape and unfortunately, I took it. My PMO sessions started out about 2x a month and it has gotten so much worse - 2x - 4x a week.

I have a best friend of 30+ years that I told and asked him to keep me accountable. He was doing a great job and I was trying my best. One night I slipped and watched porn and the next day he called to check in on me. When he asked how I was doing, I told him everything was fine. I lied to my best friend. I lied because I was, and still am, so ashamed that this is a part of my life.

So, to answer your original question - Have I told my wife and boys (and my best friend), I have not. I'm so numb from all the years PMO'ing that some days I don't even know which way is up. I'm tired of being good during the and disgusting at night.

 

[I@andothis]

Knowing that today I was going to log back into Reboot Nation and give this another try last night I spent several hours PMO'ing. I didn't care how it would make me feel today.

Today, I am afraid! To be honest, I am afraid of this journey of coming clean and what that really means. I abhor all the years I've been addicted to PMO and how I have allowed it to enslave me. I feel so weak and humiliated right now.

Today, 6/26/2022 is day 1

 

[GrateClips]

maybe the first step is to come clean to your friend that you were not honest that time he checked in on you.

 

[TryingHarder]

Relapses in times of crisis are very common. Along with the frustration, shame, etc. That's why it's called an addiction.

I agree with Grate Clips. Confide in your friend first. This is something you have discussed before, so maybe it won't be a shock.

We all know how tough it is to confide and/or confess a porn addiction to someone. Especially if you've done it before and then got caught in the quicksand again.

Knowing that today I was going to log back into Reboot Nation and give this another try last night I spent several hours PMO'ing

Let me guess: I'll do PMO just one last time and then get back to my reboot and staying clean. I have been down that road countless times. Remember: there is no such thing as "one more time". There is only the last time and never again. It can be really tough to get there, but that has to be your first step. Install a porn blocker, delete any and all porn on your computer, limit your time online, start doing things different to break up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn.

 

[I@andothis]

Relapses in times of crisis are very common. Along with the frustration, shame, etc. That's why it's called an addiction.

I agree with Grate Clips. Confide in your friend first. This is something you have discussed before, so maybe it won't be a shock.

We all know how tough it is to confide and/or confess a porn addiction to someone. Especially if you've done it before and then got caught in the quicksand again.



Let me guess: I'll do PMO just one last time and then get back to my reboot and staying clean. I have been down that road countless times. Remember: there is no such thing as "one more time". There is only the last time and never again. It can be really tough to get there, but that has to be your first step. Install a porn blocker, delete any and all porn on your computer, limit your time online, start doing things different to break up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn.

Thanks for the support and direction. I really appreciate it.

In regards to confiding in my friend again, I think I'm gonna wait on that for right now. I'm sure that I could come up with a million reasons why I don't want to tell him anything right now and they are probably all poor reasons. Bottom line is that I feel like I need to at least get my head above water just so I can breathe and feel a little better about myself before I start telling anyone close to me.

Last night before going to bed I read several chapters from Noah Church's book "Wack". It was very informative and opened my eyes to a lot of "brain" problems that PMO causes. Tonight I will continue reading more.

I do not have any porn on my phone/computer and I'm trying to figure out how to block it on my Android phone. I've already blocked the Incognito option and now I have to work on the general access.

Today has been a little difficult with a ton of porn images flying through my head. I'm going to do my best to turn today into a good day. I've already received some great news about some of my photography work is being published in a magazine. This is the second time I've been notified of something like this in two weeks.

6/27/2022 - Day 2

 

[I@andothis]

maybe the first step is to come clean to your friend that you were not honest that time he checked in on you.

GrateClips-

In regards to confiding in my friend, I think I'm gonna wait on that for right now. I'm sure that I could come up with a million reasons why I don't want to tell him anything right now and they are probably all poor reasons. Bottom line is that I feel like I need to at least get my head above water just so I can breathe and feel a little better about myself before I start telling anyone close to me.

Last night before going to bed I read several chapters from Noah Church's book "Wack". It was very informative and opened my eyes to a lot of "brain" problems that PMO causes. Tonight I will continue reading more.

I do not have any porn on my phone/computer and I'm trying to figure out how to block it on my Android phone. I've already blocked the Incognito option and now I have to work on the general access.

Today has been a little difficult with a ton of porn images flying through my head. I'm going to do my best to turn today into a good day. I've already received some great news about some of my photography work being published in a magazine. This is the second time I've been notified of something like this in two weeks.

6/27/2022 - Day 2

 

[GrateClips]

GrateClips-

In regards to confiding in my friend, I think I'm gonna wait on that for right now. I'm sure that I could come up with a million reasons why I don't want to tell him anything right now and they are probably all poor reasons. Bottom line is that I feel like I need to at least get my head above water just so I can breathe and feel a little better about myself before I start telling anyone close to me.

Last night before going to bed I read several chapters from Noah Church's book "Wack". It was very informative and opened my eyes to a lot of "brain" problems that PMO causes. Tonight I will continue reading more.

I do not have any porn on my phone/computer and I'm trying to figure out how to block it on my Android phone. I've already blocked the Incognito option and now I have to work on the general access.

Today has been a little difficult with a ton of porn images flying through my head. I'm going to do my best to turn today into a good day. I've already received some great news about some of my photography work being published in a magazine. This is the second time I've been notified of something like this in two weeks.

6/27/2022 - Day 2

maybe.

its hard to do this alone. keep journaling though.

 

[I@andothis]

maybe.

its hard to do this alone. keep journaling though.

GrateClips-

Yes, I agree that walking this journey alone is extremely hard. I know that by experience since I've been walking alone for most of my life when dealing with PMO. That's why I'm reaching out to this forum, so I will no longer be alone.

I don't think it's your intent to make me feel like I'm being asked to climb Mt. Everest (by confiding in my friend) when all I've done so far is just pick up a book that shows me pictures of what Mt. Everest looks like. I'm such a newbie at starting my recovery program. I'm still trying to figure out if I need a hall pass to go to the bathroom. lol Please remember that I am so full of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety that for most days I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get to the next minute, hour, or day. The numbness and desensitization that I feel every day is enormous.

If I were in your shoes, the response back to me might be, "Well, it is because of all those things you just mentioned that you need to reach out to your friend." And you would most likely be right. However, I would like to figure out how to just breathe first. Hopefully, this all makes sense. I will keep journaling here and will always welcome your encouragement and support.

Here's a side note, yesterday a guy from ReBoot reached out to me to possibly be an accountability partner. We have been emailing each other and I'm looking forward to seeing some progress through this new friendship.

6/28/2022 - Day 3

 

[GrateClips]

that's a great start for sure. i don't want to make you feel bad at all. heck i'm dealing w/ my own journey too. i think though its important for us to call out things that we see as we all try to recover here.

shame is a really toxic feeling and its important to learn to deal with it and let it go. something i'm yrying doing too.

 

[I@andothis]

that's a great start for sure. i don't want to make you feel bad at all. heck i'm dealing w/ my own journey too. i think though its important for us to call out things that we see as we all try to recover here.

shame is a really toxic feeling and its important to learn to deal with it and let it go. something i'm yrying doing too.

Thanks for your understanding. I really do appreciate the support.

So, I have a question for you, if I might? If you have dealt with shame pertaining to PMO, then how did you/have you worked this out? What tools have you used to put the shame behind you?

 

[GrateClips]

Thanks for your understanding. I really do appreciate the support.

So, I have a question for you, if I might? If you have dealt with shame pertaining to PMO, then how did you/have you worked this out? What tools have you used to put the shame behind you?

Great question. I am still dealing with it. You can see my journal https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/22286/ I am still early in my process. The first thing was to actually let the secret out. My double life. Telling my wife and then a therapist. Now just time, counseling, and trying to believe in myself.

Trying to believe that I'm not a 'bad person' for my habit. I've made bad choices and my family upbringing certainly didn't help like as in most sex addicts. But despite all that I have done a lot of good in my life and if I can conquer this I'll be an even better person.

Also knowing this problem is much more common than people realize. At least 6% of the population suffers from this. And that taking that first step towards realization and improvement is huge.

But I'd say the biggest help has been releasing the hidden knowledge and now the support of people. Also going to SA meeting some althouhg I don't find them say groundbreaking helpful it definitely can keep us on track.

I don't know if that helped you at all.

 

[TryingHarder]

Please remember that I am so full of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and anxiety that for most days I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get to the next minute, hour, or day.

While this is understandable, it's also not going to help. I look at my own reboot as a hiking analogy: I have a long hike ahead of me, and carrying heavy stones in my backpack (like guilt, regret, shame, etc) means I'll just get weighed down and the journey will be harder. It's tough to let go of the past, but I do my best to adopt a "that was then, this is now" attitude. That's easier said than done, but that would be my advice: more forwards, not backwards. Or, at the very least, try to turn the shame into determination: you will quit porn and stop being someone who has something to be ashamed about.

 

[I@andothis]

While this is understandable, it's also not going to help. I look at my own reboot as a hiking analogy: I have a long hike ahead of me, and carrying heavy stones in my backpack (like guilt, regret, shame, etc) means I'll just get weighed down and the journey will be harder. It's tough to let go of the past, but I do my best to adopt a "that was then, this is now" attitude. That's easier said than done, but that would be my advice: more forwards, not backwards. Or, at the very least, try to turn the shame into determination: you will quit porn and stop being someone who has something to be ashamed about.

Down the road, I may tell my best friend. I fully understand the pro's/cons of telling, or not, telling someone that is in my inner circle. That can be a goal for me to work on.

I have connected with another member from ReBoot and we have been emailing each other over the past couple of days. We seem to have a lot in common and I'm really hoping this works out.

Today has been a good day so far.

6/29/2022 - Day 4

 

[Gracie]

Great question. I am still dealing with it. You can see my journal https://forum.rebootnation.org/index.php?threads/22286/ I am still early in my process. The first thing was to actually let the secret out. My double life. Telling my wife and then a therapist. Now just time, counseling, and trying to believe in myself.

Trying to believe that I'm not a 'bad person' for my habit. I've made bad choices and my family upbringing certainly didn't help like as in most sex addicts. But despite all that I have done a lot of good in my life and if I can conquer this I'll be an even better person.

Also knowing this problem is much more common than people realize. At least 6% of the population suffers from this. And that taking that first step towards realization and improvement is huge.

But I'd say the biggest help has been releasing the hidden knowledge and now the support of people. Also going to SA meeting some althouhg I don't find them say groundbreaking helpful it definitely can keep us on track.

I don't know if that helped you at all.

You should try forgiving yourself. The PA conundrum is that what was involved was making a choice to do something, look at a picture or video and masturbate. And then that is labeled as bad. Then guilt, shame etc. I finally asked my husband, “Did you forgive yourself?” It helped him immensely. Just a thought.

 

[GrateClips]

You should try forgiving yourself. The PA conundrum is that what was involved was making a choice to do something, look at a picture or video and masturbate. And then that is labeled as bad. Then guilt, shame etc. I finally asked my husband, “Did you forgive yourself?” It helped him immensely. Just a thought.

thank you for saying that. in some ways i have forgiven myself because i know if i kept up my habit eventually it would have led to a much worse outcome , i.e. instead of disclosure i would have been caught or, worse, my kids would have caught me, or any number of things.

my wife is in a raw state of emotion. at times i see us slowly healing, normalizing but at times i see we are miles away from intimacy and trust. seeing her, who was always by my side, have to put an emotional guard up for herself is very very difficult on me.