Numb Inside

You should try forgiving yourself. The PA conundrum is that what was involved was making a choice to do something, look at a picture or video and masturbate. And then that is labeled as bad. Then guilt, shame etc. I finally asked my husband, “Did you forgive yourself?” It helped him immensely. Just a thought.
Please forgive me for my first initial response to your statement, "You should try forgiving yourself." I had to chuckle a little bit. The reason for the chuckle is that forgiving others is something that I grew up knowing about and have had to forgive a few people in my life. Forgiving people for me is one of those foundational principles that are so important in life to grab a hold of and never let go of. Forgiving other people is always the right thing to do. It's so obvious. Right? Forgiving yourself? Well, apparently, not for me. I have been buried so deep in all the problems PMO has caused me that I have forgotten to "forgive" myself. Thank you for the reminder. This is definitely something I will start working on. Here's to another step in the right direction on this journey we call life. Thank you once again.
 
Today is day 5. I've already connected with an accountability partner and finished reading "Wack" by Mr. Church (sorry, forgot his first name), Last night I was hit with a lot of really weird dreams, and today some moments of intense anxiety. I'm going to check out the Resources page to see what other material/information I can grab ahold of. Also, starting to feel a little bit better about myself. Gee, if this is what five days feel like, I wonder what 90 days will feel like.

Only by God's grace and one day at a time.
 
Today is day 5. I've already connected with an accountability partner and finished reading "Wack" by Mr. Church (sorry, forgot his first name), Last night I was hit with a lot of really weird dreams, and today some moments of intense anxiety. I'm going to check out the Resources page to see what other material/information I can grab ahold of. Also, starting to feel a little bit better about myself. Gee, if this is what five days feel like, I wonder what 90 days will feel like.

Only by God's grace and one day at a time.

earlier in my reboot i had all sorts of weird dreams. also some sexual dreams too.. be careful of these as they can be triggering events especially if they don't lead to full out orgasm/wet dream as one may wake up feeling particularly horny.

if you read enough accounts and start doing it yourself you'll see a lot of people with some good days, flat days, and really down days. journal or talk to someone on the down ones for sure.
 
So, what do you do when you wake up from a nap and a really nice erection is staring you in the face. Well, not really in my face because I can't and won't get my face down that low... lol. In my case, you simply acknowledge that the erection is happening and then move on and focus on something else.

Yesterday I loaded ReMojo on both my computer and my phone and I have started listening to some of the lessons they have posted. I have also started an account at YourBrainRebalanced. I now have the longest-running time frame for reading my devotions - 5 days. Also, using ReMojo, I am beginning to create a journal based on the questions I am being asked in ReMojo.

One of the things I have learned through other posts, something I've read or listened to is that it is important to create new ideas, thoughts, and activities that are opposite of the way PMO has trained me to think. I'm gonna call it, "Change My Will". For too many years I have allowed myself to slide down the slippery slope of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and more. Yes, right now, those things are still a part of my life, except for the depression, but I am "Willing" to take the steps to address them one by one.

7/1/2022 - Day 6 - By the Grace of God I will take my next step.
 

Rookie

Active Member
I am a Christian man as well. I have about 25 yrs in this addiction. Not fun, embarrassing and beyond convicting and frustrating. First I want you to remember something. Don't ever think "what would Jesus do"...that's cliché and we already have a bible written about that. Always think "What did Jesus do". He died on the cross for our sins. This is NOT a get out of jail card to permit us to keep going back to it. It's a reminder that he HAD to die and rise again because we are so full of sin, no matter how bad you think you are, reality is, you're worse.

Second, I'm going to go against the grain about confessing to your wife. Not all wives take it the same way. My wife is in a bad spot (bodybuilding addiction, she competes), has a bad case of body dysmorphia (she doesn't see what she actually looks like, she sees herself as fat) and a few other things. I will say that relief on my end doesn't happen often as of late. So it's a struggle.

If you read my blog on here, you'll see I nearly hit 200 days without anything at all, and best of all, there were some spots that I went 2.5 months with nothing. No relief, no viewing, no PMO, nothing. But then the wife completely ignoring me, no attention, affection, and the price of everything skyrocketing was a perfect storm to make me crash again.

So what did I do, started reading again, praying again. And I have a monthly sit down with my best friend (buddies since 1983, grade 2) and he knows about my struggle.

I strongly suggest you post here, DAILY. Even if no one reads your posts for a few days, if you know you're going to post here, it gives you that extra little bit of motivation to steer clear. If you don't post here often, you WILL fall if you're early in the fight.

Cheers and welcome to the board!
 
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I am a Christian man as well. I have about 25 yrs in this addiction. Not fun, embarrassing and beyond convicting and frustrating. First I want you to remember something. Don't ever think "what would Jesus do"...that's cliché and we already have a bible written about that. Always think "What did Jesus do". He died on the cross for our sins. This is NOT a get out of jail card to permit us to keep going back to it. It's a reminder that he HAD to die and rise again because we are so full of sin, no matter how bad you think you are, reality is, you're worse.

Second, I'm going to go against the grain about confessing to your wife. Not all wives take it the same way. My wife is in a bad spot (bodybuilding addiction, she competes), has a bad case of body dysmorphia (she doesn't see what she actually looks like, she sees herself as fat) and a few other things. I will say that relief on my end doesn't happen often as of late. So it's a struggle.

If you read my blog on here, you'll see I nearly hit 200 days without anything at all, and best of all, there were some spots that I went 2.5 months with nothing. No relief, no viewing, no PMO, nothing. But then the wife completely ignoring me, no attention, affection, and the price of everything skyrocketing was a perfect storm to make me crash again.

So what did I do, started reading again, praying again. And I have a monthly sit down with my best friend (buddies since 1983, grade 2) and he knows about my struggle.

I strongly suggest you post here, DAILY. Even if no one reads your posts for a few days, if you know you're going to post here, it gives you that extra little bit of motivation to steer clear. If you don't post here often, you WILL fall if you're early in the fight.

Cheers and welcome to the board!
Rookie-
Thanks for the encouragement and the advice. It really helps out.

When reading your post, there was one line that I had to chuckle about. You said, "...no matter how bad you think you are, reality is, you're worse". The reason that I had to laugh at that is that it's true and it hit me right between the eyes. Over the years I have made a conscious decision to remove Christ from being the center of my life and replace Him with PMO. When the stress of life hit me I took the easy route and I crashed. All that PMO gave me was depression, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and more. Most importantly, it pulled me further away from a relationship with my Heavenly Father where there is peace and joy.

Today is day 7 of being PMO-free. However, I can already feel the "internal" stress meter building up to want to look at porn and then MO. I've put the ReMojo blocker on my computer and phone, just found a Christian man as an AP, read "Wack" by Noah Church, I'm listening to several lessons on ReMojo, and I've started journaling. I'm really trying to re-focus my mind on the positive things in life that bring me peace instead of relying on the old tapes and actions that brought me spiraling down and out of control.

Day 7 - 7/2/2022 | By the Grace of God...
 
For the past several days my anxiety has been at a very high level. My heart feels like it's going to tear out of my chest and I find it very hard to breathe. On the outside, I'm trying to maintain some level of normality but on the inside, I feel like I'm dying. I'm just waiting for the heart attack to happen because the anxiety is so heavy right now. I know that I am making the right decision to quit PMO. PMO is a death trap that I have allowed to steal away my life, passions, and relationships. I wanted the easy fix when stress or anger filled my day.

I'm really hoping that the longer I abstain from PMO, the better the anxiety will get. I think one of the reasons the anxiety is so high is that I'm afraid my wife will find out why I have been spending so much time on the computer: I've been posting to two different "Reboot" sites, journaling, and going through the ReMojo lessons. Please note, that right now I do not need people encouraging me to tell my wife. Years ago I confided in her about my PMO problem and it didn't go well. I fully understand the pro's/cons of confiding in her but this just isn't the time.

Today is Day 8 | 7/3/2022 - By the Grace of God
 
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Rookie

Active Member
I can tell you from experience, for the most part, once you hit about 30 days or a bit more, the temptation may not go away, however, it's easier to run away (Think of Joseph). You will find your time management so much better, so much more done around the house and not craving as much. When I was over 100 days, I barely had any cravings. It's my arrogance toward God (I basically bragged to a few people that I didn't have any temptations, which I didn't, but I lost sight that God was the one that took that temptation away). And well, I'm back.

What I strongly suggest is find another past time. Whether it's theological, sports, crafts, you pick. Any addiction counselor will almost ALWAYS tell you the addiction has to be replaced with another passion. If it's not a passion, it won't stick.

As far as with your wife, not every marriage is the same. Some wives will be supportive, some won't. And it depends on the stress they are currently facing in their own lives as well.

I do however, strongly recommend you find a local friend / relative / co-worker (not a counselor, that's for other things), that can keep you accountable. If you go to church and you can confide in a brother or sister there, that would be a benefit. Especially if they are both non judging, but firm. You know what I mean.

Lastly, for now, unless your job is from home, on the PC, I recommend limiting your online time (PC and mobile) to be limited. Including not bringing your phone to the bathroom, nor the bedroom. Most men fall there.

I think that's enough for one night. If you're a prayer warrior, know I'm praying for you, and would appreciate your prayers my way as well. I have lots I'm dealing with that I could really do without, however, being a Reformed Baptist, I know nothing catches God by surprise...
 
I can tell you from experience, for the most part, once you hit about 30 days or a bit more, the temptation may not go away, however, it's easier to run away (Think of Joseph). You will find your time management so much better, so much more done around the house and not craving as much. When I was over 100 days, I barely had any cravings. It's my arrogance toward God (I basically bragged to a few people that I didn't have any temptations, which I didn't, but I lost sight that God was the one that took that temptation away). And well, I'm back.

What I strongly suggest is find another past time. Whether it's theological, sports, crafts, you pick. Any addiction counselor will almost ALWAYS tell you the addiction has to be replaced with another passion. If it's not a passion, it won't stick.

As far as with your wife, not every marriage is the same. Some wives will be supportive, some won't. And it depends on the stress they are currently facing in their own lives as well.

I do however, strongly recommend you find a local friend / relative / co-worker (not a counselor, that's for other things), that can keep you accountable. If you go to church and you can confide in a brother or sister there, that would be a benefit. Especially if they are both non judging, but firm. You know what I mean.

Lastly, for now, unless your job is from home, on the PC, I recommend limiting your online time (PC and mobile) to be limited. Including not bringing your phone to the bathroom, nor the bedroom. Most men fall there.

I think that's enough for one night. If you're a prayer warrior, know I'm praying for you, and would appreciate your prayers my way as well. I have lots I'm dealing with that I could really do without, however, being a Reformed Baptist, I know nothing catches God by surprise...
Rookie-
I like how you mentioned how Josephy ran away from the temptation. It reminds me of when I was in my early twenties, many decades ago, when I ran a marathon. 26.2 glorious miles of just running. I remember around the 2nd-mile marker I thought to myself, "What am I doing, running a marathon?" There was a quick thought about quitting and running to the side. Nope! Not gonna do it. I trained for several months for that race and I was determined to finish. This recovery from PMO is a marathon for me and I've just started training. Some days I will run a short route and other days a longer route. Ultimately, I am hoping that when I get to heaven my Heavenly Father will look me straight in the eyes and says, "Well done my good and faithful servant, enter in."

You guessed it, I'm a stay-at-home husband. Several years ago I had to go on Social Security Disability because of some physical problems that crept into my life. At that time I picked up photography and started a part-time business. This is my passion. I was recently featured in two different magazines for my work and I'm waiting to hear back from two others in the next couple of weeks. Last night, my family and I went to see our local fireworks. It was a great time and I was able to get some fantastic pictures.

Thank you for the prayers and I will start praying for you as well.

Day 9 - 7/4/2022 By God's Grace...
 
Today I'm going to start working on identifying the Bad Porn Habits so I can begin to create Good Life-Changing Habits. Here are the Bad Porn Habits:
*External trigger for internal urge​
*Imagine porn and fantasizes​
*Routine - fire up a porn site​
*Reward - dopamine rush from watching porn​
This list comes from one of the foundational lessons at ReMojo.​
When looking back on why I engaged in PMO, these reasons come to mind: anger, loneliness, frustration, stress, anxiety, and fear. I'm sure there are a lot more but those are the ones I can think of right now. When any one of those real feelings popped into my head I would just automatically give in to the fact that when I go to my bedroom (my wife and I sleep in different rooms) I would take out my phone and go to my favorite porn site. I would spend between 2 - 4 hours, at times, engaging in PMO. I let an External trigger initiate an Internal urge. Over time, I came to realize that I no longer felt like I had a defense system set up to fight the urge. I was so desensitized that I no longer had that little angel on my shoulder telling me to NOT engage in PMO.

I don't think I fantasized about porn-related issues throughout the day. I just waited until I could be alone to Fire up a porn site.

There were countless times when I thought the reasons listed above would just go away once I MO'd with porn. After O, I would just roll over and go to sleep and not have any worries. I was done for the day. Depending on the situation(s) that triggered the initial PMO, a "session" could last several days. I may not have known the name "dopamine" at the time, but I knew that something was happening in my physical brain that made me forget about the reasons I listed above.

Here's my verse for the day.
For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you/me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." Philippians 1:6
I am a work in progress as I journey down the path my Heavenly Father has for me.

Day 12 - 7/7/2022 By the Grace of God
 
Today I'm really tired and it would be a great day to stay in bed all day long. BUT!!!! I'm making a concerted effort to get up and read my daily devotional, enter a post here, reply to some emails and follow up with my AP. Today is another day in the right direction.

Day 13 - 7/8/2022
 
Today I read some really good stuff in my daily devotional and I'd like to share it here. I get my daily devotional from using the Bible App and I am following the plan entitled: Just Breathe -
Hope And Help For Those Drowning In The Pain Of Addiction

Surrendering our life to God is a big deal for many of us because we spent so many years with our minds fixed on everything but God, right? My friend told me once about his brother-in-law’s farm in Kentucky. He said that there was a path going from the barn to his main field. He could drive his tractor out of the barn, put it on that path, take his hands completely off the steering wheel, and it would go down that path and perfectly through the gate into the field. He said the reason his tractor could do that is because he had been up and down that path so many times that there were deep ruts in that road. All he had to do was get the tires aligned with the ruts, and it would automatically do its thing.

Then my friend told me, “Keith, you’ve been driving in the same old ruts for thirty years; you need new ruts. You need new pathways, new patterns of thinking, new ways of coping, and new ways of reacting. You have to change your focus. Just feed and focus, feed and focus, and feed and focus.”

So I’m learning that as you feed and focus, your way of thinking begins to change. And as your way of thinking begins to change, your way of behaving starts to change. And as your behavior starts to change, old habits start to die. And as old habits start to die, freedom starts to define your life, and real lasting inside out transformation starts to overwhelm you!

So, let God metamorpho you into a new creation by changing the way you think.

This devotional really speaks to me about how long I've spent creating bad ruts in my life and how important it is for me to create new life-altering positive ruts. No one has ever told me that building new pathways would be easy. In fact, some days are really hard. My wife and I are building a brand new farmhouse. We started last year on designing the house, February we started ordering the material and in May they started digging the foundation. One of the first things the contractor did was to dig down 4' to lay the foundation walls. From there, everything else has been built on top of that foundation. We had to go deep past the frost line to protect the interior of the house.

Luke 6: 47 - 48 says: For everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built.

A lot of planning, meetings, thoughts, ideas, and digging had to go into planning our new house. We had to create new ruts as we learned more about the process of building a new home. I am intentionally choosing to create new ruts, or build a new home, for my life. I've spent too many years shackled to the past and to the addiction of PMO that I've decided it's NOW time for me to learn to live a new life. My foundation it being built on Christ and his word.

Day 19 - 7/14/2022 Zero PMO By the Grace of God...
 

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Two days ago I experienced an incredibly high level of fear and anxiety that I had to triple up on some of my anxiety meds. Since I'm going through the ReMojo lessons (ReMojo is now FREE by the way) I am learning to identify my triggers. I think what happened was I called my wife up while she was at work and said that when she got home we were going to go for a walk. It was a beautiful day and I wanted to force myself to get out of the house. Once I hung up the phone the fear started to creep in followed by a really nice dose of anxiety. There are two parts to my trigger with the first being I was going to actually get out of the house. My house is my safe place. Yep, I can leave the house to run errands but that's when I get in and get out as fast as I can trying to avoid people as much as possible. And that's the second reason the fear and anxiety came in like a flood... people. I try to avoid people because in the past when I was doing the right thing, people would come up to me and make extremely negative comments which tore me down mentally. These people were leaders that I once respected and they ripped me to shreds with their words. What's ironic about this particular trigger is that a few days prior to me getting out of the house for a simple walk with my wife, I sat down and wrote each of the people who "hurt" me a letter stating that I forgive them, and then I mailed the letters. I wanted, and needed, to get rid of the resentment I had towards these people. I'm understanding that even though I may have taken the first initial step by writing a letter and putting it in the mailbox, I will still have to work through the steps of finally letting go of what was said to me and the people who did it. It's a day-to-day process. One of the tools I grabbed ahold of was reading and quoting Isaiah 41:10, which basically says, "Fear not, I am with you, Be not troubled, I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, and I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Day 21 - 7/16/2022 Zero PMO | By the Grace of God
 

Aeodh Dan

Member
I've had to slow down my thinking...my mind processes considerably...day 99 "monk" mode now
Slow rhythmic breathing, meditation, mindfulness, body awareness
Follow Yeshua's example and spend a lot of time in nature if you can...he prayed and communed with God in natural settings.
There is a divine nature within you and it's through focusing on the breath that you can enter, the breath is life, God breathed the world into existence, breathe slowly and deeply through everything, all the fears, anxieties, emotions....
You have direct access to the energy of the cosmos, don't waste it on your sex organs, but direct it up past the groin area and into heart and mind!
 
Needing your thoughts and ideas...

So..., in nine days I will celebrate my first 30 days of zero PMO. I know some guys think it's not a good idea to use a counting system while others seem to prefer it. As for me, I prefer it. Right now it gives me a clear-cut picture of how I have been doing. It shows me how many days I have behind me and if I can be porn free for those number of days, then I can go another so many days.

Here's where I need your thoughts and ideas. What are some ways to celebrate a 30-day challenge? What are things you have done in the past to pat yourself on the back and say job well done?

Please note that I am NOT trying to get ahead of myself, especially since I'm still nine days out. I think putting a reward for me to work towards will just add to the goals I already have set for myself.

Can't wait to see some creative celebratory ideas and thank you to everyone that has helped and encouraged me over the past 22 days. ReBoot provides such a great platform for guys like me.

Thanks, everyone.

Day 22 - 7/17/2022 | By the Grace of God
 
Last night I was in a high-level panic mode and fear was gripping every part of who I am. My wife is out of town for three days because of work and I'll be home, alone - well, our dog will be with me, and last night I was terrified. In the past, when my wife has been out of town for a day or two it was so easy to give in to the lonely urge and spend several hours in a PMO session. Now my wife is gone for three days and last night I was panicking. However, this morning when I woke up I felt a sense of peace about today. I can work through tomorrow when it gets here. I have done enough homework (I'm still doing the homework) to get me through today. I'm posting here and on one other site for accountability and encouragement. I have identified the three most important reasons of why I don't want to relapse: my relationship with Christ, my relationship with my wife, and my relationship with myself. I've got 24 days behind me and only six more days before I hit my 30-day goal. Through my daily devotions, I am learning that I am more important than anything PMO can bring me. PMO was a death spiral and I am choosing to live. Today, I have things planned out to keep me busy. The old tapes in my head are saying, "Just stay home and in bed. Don't go outside. Blah. Blah. Blah. I am making a concerted effort to NOT listen to the old tapes but instead re-wire my brain to new and exciting things that life can bring.

Day 24 - 7/19/2022 | By the Grace of God
 

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
So, to answer your original question - Have I told my wife and boys (and my best friend), I have not. I'm so numb from all the years PMO'ing that some days I don't even know which way is up. I'm tired of being good during the and disgusting at night.
I'm not one of the people who believes you have to share this with your wife and kids. I just don't see the value in rocking the boat so badly. Maybe I feel this way because I never hid my porn use from my wife. I didn't do it out in the open, but I made it clear that I was an adult and it was up to me. She didn't give me a hard time about it and I never let her know how addicted I got. We have many problems as a married couple. Bringing this into it would just make matters worse and I don't see how it would help me to break the addiction. I don't need an angry, hurt person dictating how my journey should go. But again, that's just me. I'm working behind the scenes to try and make myself better. Everyone around me will hopefully benefit.

Good luck to you on your journey. You do what works for you. Some people think it is imperative to share with a spouse. Others don't. You know how it went the first time you admitted your problem. Do you think it will help to bring it up again?

Take care and be strong!
 

Sammyjo

Member
Just my 2 cents...I wish I had never found out. That said, he has admitted that if I hadn't found out he can now see that he was on an ugly path and he's not sure what would have happened. This from a man who has very clear lines he would never cross.

My personal feeling is get the help you need to feel good about yourself again and kick the addiction.

Really I think the best case scenario would be if he had recognized it on his own and was well on the way to having under control and then be honest with me.

The reason I say that is while I didn't know what he was doing, I knew things weren't right between us and it really was messing with my self esteem. Finding out and having to confront him to make it stop is not nearly as comforting as it would have been had he taken steps on his own and then told me about it. I'd elaborate but I think I've been way too long winded today.

Best of luck!

Edit: I've been thinking a lot about this, and really, it's so hard to know, but I would like to add that since I now know about it, 100% truth and 100% disclosure is the only option. I now for me, once trust is broken the more you entrust the more you will be trusted.
 
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