I want to live.

SmokenMirrors

Active Member
Day 0 ✅ No P
Day 0 ❌ M
Day 0 ❌ O

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: RELAPSE STORY


I went to the gym and then relapsed in the shower at home. At the gym, there was a very cute guy who was clearly interested in me. And he was my type. But I didn't get the chance to talk to him. He often looked at me and every time he came close to me my heart was racing. I never had this before with a guy. There were also three girls that looked very attractive in their outfits. We often exchanged eye contact.
I felt so horny and at home I gave in. It was not managable anymore. I thought about how I would suffer for the rest of the day if I wouldn't MO.
So I did. I thought about the guy and it took me 3 minutes or so. I felt a little bit ashamed afterwards but very, very relieved and it felt so good. I don't regret it. Now I feel like I want to go out and socialize. My heart is full of love suddenly.
I have to stay on my guard though. Usually, I turn to P quickly after. Not this time. This experience was awesome and had NOTHING to do with P.

I want to get rid of P. MO once a week or so is good I think.
I'd consider abstaining from MO, at least until your 90 day reboot is done. It really helps you to develop and it allows your body to recover from the dopamine addiction!
 

tay97

Active Member
I'd consider abstaining from MO, at least until your 90 day reboot is done. It really helps you to develop and it allows your body to recover from the dopamine addiction!
I read about this before. I wasn't thinking about P or any other thing I saw on a screen though. I was thinking about a real person who I met before. There must be a difference for the brain, right? Nevertheless, I will try to follow your advice!
 

SmokenMirrors

Active Member
I read about this before. I wasn't thinking about P or any other thing I saw on a screen though. I was thinking about a real person who I met before. There must be a difference for the brain, right? Nevertheless, I will try to follow your advice!
Any imagination is PMO in my personal opinion, I think you'd benefit greatly from the abstinence!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 8 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 1 ✅ No P
Day 1 ✅ No M
Day 1 ✅ No O


I'm having a hard time with uni stuff right now and I feel anxious. I've been thinking about hooking up with a stranger. But I would need a smartphone to do that. So I'd have to ask someone for a phone or buy a new one. Too much of a hassle .. wait, there was a reason I gave away my Iphone in the first place. Because I don't want to indulge in this kind of compulsive behavior. I need to man up.
It's tough but I need to trust the process.

Since I deleted reddit I have no FOMO and it feels better.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Any imagination is PMO in my personal opinion, I think you'd benefit greatly from the abstinence!
Interesting. I just read about a comment from Gabe Deem about this topic:
Masturbating without porn is not a "relapse."

Read this from our Basics Of Rebooting page:
------------------------------------------
If addiction-related brain changes or sexual conditioning are underlying your symptoms, you need to reverse the process by giving your brain a well deserved time-out. Rebooting is our term for recovering from porn addiction and associated symptoms, including erectile dysfunction. We call it rebooting so you can envision restoring your brain to its original factory settings. Obviously, you cannot go back in time to restore point, or erase all the data as you would when you wipe clean a computer?s hard drive. However, you can heal many of the brain changes that lead to your porn addiction. (See: Does porn addiction cause irreversible damage to the brain?)

The quickest way to reboot is to give your brain a rest from artificial sexual stimulation?porn, porn fantasy, erotica, and for some - masturbation and orgasm. Most guys eliminate or drastically reduce orgasms during their reboot period. On the other hand, sensual contact with a real person can be beneficial, as long as you don't fantasize about porn. In fact, some guys engage in gentle intercourse, in which they avoid getting close to the edge or orgasming.

If porn use is the cause of your symptoms, you may wonder why it helps to eliminate masturbation and orgasm during the temporary rebooting period. The short answer is -"that's how most guys have done it." All suggestions for rebooting come from men who have successfully rebooted. Nearly all discovered that mixing in masturbation or orgasms slows, or in some cases, entirely derails, the rebooting process, especially if you have porn-induced ED.

To our surprise, very few men successfully recover from porn-induced ED while continuing a regular masturbation/orgasm schedule (see - Porn & ED). The few who continue to have orgasms, and successfully recover from porn-induced ED, are men who didn't start early on Internet porn. Most are in their late 30's to early 50's, and have a significant other. This doesn't mean that you will never recover if you continue to masturbate, orgasm or relapse into porn. In fact, most guys sometimes "relapse" back into porn use during their reboot.

It's very confusing at first because the process is nonlinear, and each brain recovers differently. Some people have intermittent cravings and flatline periods. Some have their worst cravings in the first two weeks. Some feel good for a short time and then go into a more challenging period. Some feel horribly anxious. Some feel *less* anxious overall, but also have sluggish libido for weeks. Others don't find out their libido was recovered until they get with a real partner after several months.

Again: Some guys with ED can get away with orgasms, although they drastically reduce the frequency. Those men are almost always older men who did not start with Internet porn. They wired their sexuality to the real deal before diving into the Internet. Most have a significant other in the picture.

"To masturbate, or not to masturbate, that is the question"

As stated, we have only two "rules': 1) Stop using artificial sexual stimuli, and 2) Do what works for you. Many guys have discovered it is helpful to eliminate or drastically reduce masturbation/orgasm during a reboot. Possible reasons to drastically reduce or eliminate masturbation during a reboot:

1. If you have porn-induced ED, your brain is saying: "I can't do this anymore". Understand that your urge to masturbate is not true libido - you are addicted to porn, or your sexuality is conditioned to pixels. If you need porn to masturbate, or have a partially erect penis when you do, you are not horny or in need of "release". You are addicted and seeking a fix: a temporary dopamine high.

2.The majority of men with porn-induced ED need to drastically reduce masturbation and orgasm. When you have a pathology, you usually need to do more than just eliminate the cause - in this case porn use. You don't generally break a leg by putting weight on it. However, once it's broken you have to cast it, use crutches and eliminate walking while you heal. Same goes for porn-induced ED. You don't have to wear a cast, but you need to give your brain time to heal, free of intense sexual stimulation.

Masturbation and porn use are tightly wired together. Like Pavlov's dog that salivated when it heard the bell, you will start drooling for porn when masturbating. Time is needed to weaken the neural connections intertwining wanking and watching.

Recovery may be easier without masturbation/orgasm. Remove masturbation/orgasm from the equation and most guys experience a sharp decline in sexual desire, we call the flatline. (See: "HELP! I quit porn, but my potency, genital size, and libido are decreasing")

When you also eliminate orgasm/masturbation, not just porn, it seems to precipitate a more complete and deeper withdrawal, and thus healing.

Masturbation and orgasm strongly reactivate cravings to use porn. It has been surprising to witness that most men have an easier time eliminating masturbation than they do porn. For most guys with porn addiction, masturbation is simply not that interesting without porn, and they are amazed to discover that porn, not their libido, was driving their constant search for relief.

Caveat: All the above is based on the current feedback given to us by successful rebooters. It is subject to change.

Caveat 2: Some guys with porn-induced ED need to orgasm in order to jump-start their brains after a reboot or extended flatline
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 9 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 2 ✅ No P
Day 2 ✅ No M
Day 2 ✅ No O


Many sexual thoughts during the day about all kinds of people. Couldn't go to the gym today and I felt down because I was hoping to see that guy again. For a brief moment I was thinking about PMO because well if I can't go to the gym I am allowed to jerk off to pmo ... such bullshit.
My brain is rotten like hell. Yesterday, a random cartoon character made me horny for a moment. Not my penis, but I immediately noticed that my brain liked the drawing.

I still have a long way to go ...

I saw a random quote the other day that really stuck with me ..

"Be tolerant with others and strict with yourself" - Aurelius, (Stoic).
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 10 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 3 ✅ No P
Day 3 ✅ No M
Day 3 ✅ No O


Just came from the gym. The whole time I had "contact" again and again with a girl that trained near me. In the end, there were two of us in one area and when she walked by, I took all my courage and said to her "Seems like we have the same workout today". And immediately she laughed and I noticed how pleased she was that I approached her. She was a bit shy and nervous. We parted laughing. I hope to actually talk to her next time.
Great moment and another step towards a good, healthy pornfree life.
I resisted the urge to MO in the shower. I don't want to use this experience for my egoistic needs.
 
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SmokenMirrors

Active Member
Day 3 ✅ No P
Day 3 ✅ No M
Day 3 ✅ No O


Just came from the gym. The whole time I had "contact" again and again with a girl that trained near me. In the end, there were two of us in one area and when she walked by, I took all my courage and said to her "Seems like we have the same workout today". And immediately she laughed and I noticed how pleased she was that I approached her. She was a bit shy and nervous. We parted laughing. I hope to actually talk to her next time.
Great moment and another step towards a good, healthy pornfree life.
I resisted the urge to MO in the shower. I don't want to use this experience for my egoistic needs.
Great stuff!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 11 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 4 ✅ No P
Day 4 ✅ No M
Day 4 ✅ No O


Browsed through some SFW selfies of people. I need to stop this.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 12 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ❌ P
Day 5 ✅ No M
Day 5 ✅ No O


I looked at P pics. I didn't MO but I used P to get a dopamine high for my addiction. I keep failing.

There is a pattern here:

1. I go on SFW subreddits and look at selfies, thinking that normal selfies are not considered P.
2. if they are attractive, I click on their profile hoping they have more (subconsciously also NSFW)
3. I go on NSFW subs and feel the dopamine high.
4. I don't MO. I feel bad and lonely.

Again, after 4-5 days, I have to reset my streak.

I think my mind tries to cope with my loneliness by letting me see new, different faces of people after a few days. The last couple of days I spend my time indoors, playing video games or surfing on the internet.

I have no desire use P to MO. I don't need it. It's just that, for a short period of time, P seems to make me feel better because of the loneliness, but in reality it just satiesfies my addiction's need for dopamine.

I need to be more social. I need to find real people/friends.

P.S. I am blocking reddit now.
 
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tay97

Active Member
Day 13 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ❌ P
Day 6 ✅ No M
Day 6 ✅ No O


I'm losing here ... Woke up very horny with the urge to hook up with someone. Shook it off because I don't have a smartphone to do that anymore. Then I looked at a lot of P pictures. The more I saw, the sadder I got. Didn't feel the need to MO. It just felt good to browse. But I keep thinking to myself, I have been looking up over 10.000 of pics and vids, I did chatting and sexting. It just never satisfied me the way a real partner would. That's why I'm here. I want companionship, intimicy, love. All these beautiful things .. WAKE UP, SON!

It's hardest for me in the morning. I have to make sure that I cannot reach my laptop in the morning.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 14 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ❌ P
Day 0 ❌ M
Day 0❌ O


Failed. Looked up P pics and MO'ed. First full relapse after 14 days. I feel nothing. I am going to read some chapters in the easypeasymethod.
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 14 since I started the fight and journal.

Day 0 ❌ P
Day 0 ❌ M
Day 0❌ O


Second relapse. Edged for a good 15 mins or so and it felt like a trip, like I was high on drugs. Saw 100 pics. So much variety. I was feeling super good until I wasn't. I finished and the post nut clarity kicked in. I feel ashamed of myself. The day is ruined. I can't go to the gym in this state. I feel insecure and nervous after pmoing.
I am going to change my course in order to reach my destination of a pornfree life: NO P. But MO is good if my body wants/needs it.
 
I (m,25) am starting a new journal after struggling with P. for months. There were days and weeks when I lived my life successfully, but in the end I always came back to the rot. I want that part of my brain to go away.

I am bi, and a big part of my sexual history and my P. story has to do with the denial of my sexuality. In recent years I have embraced it and had a few sexual encounters with male and female partners my age (ED problems with woman). Each time I felt empty inside and wished for something meaningful.

I use P-material to cover up the lack of a social life. I have 0 friends rn. People say I am pretty goodlooking with a great sense of humor and charming, and I am confidant to agree but I just always struggled to bond with people on a deeper level. Idk, if this is because of P or not. I also never had a serious relationship. I don't know what it feels like to be loved by someone else other than family.

I want companionship, friendship, and intimacy in my life. So, I got to work on this addiction. Day 0 of this new stage of my life.

I dedicate this to my little brother who is 4 years younger than me. When we were younger, I was proud to be something of a role model for him. He saw in me a strong, confidant man. Today I feel like an egoistic looser who masturbates to pixels and fake people to cover up his failings in life. I want to be the person he thought I was.
Can fully relate to wanting companionship and intimacy with few meaningful relations. Hope we two find it soon.

And you are more than your behaviour. your brother may see you more than what you think of yourself. We have tendency to tunnel vision. The very fact that you think of being your brother role model makes me think you have good heart. May you make more room for the goodness thats already there at the same time may you also find better way to cope with your behaviour. Best wishes friend.
 

tay97

Active Member
Can fully relate to wanting companionship and intimacy with few meaningful relations. Hope we two find it soon.

And you are more than your behaviour. your brother may see you more than what you think of yourself. We have tendency to tunnel vision. The very fact that you think of being your brother role model makes me think you have good heart. May you make more room for the goodness thats already there at the same time may you also find better way to cope with your behaviour. Best wishes friend.
Thanks for the kind words. Warms my heart! Wish you the best, too!
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 1 ✅ No P (Day 15 since I started the fight and journal)

Woke up and the little monster tried to lure me back into his trap. I dont need it, thanks. I MO'ed to real life fantasies. Felt shame afterwards, but I feel relaxed and it's good to know that my body and little friend work without artificial stimuli.
1657696736382.png
 

tay97

Active Member
Day 2 ✅ No P (Day 16 since I started the fight and journal)

Imagine having a cold sore on your face, so you go to the pharmacist and he gives you a free ointment to try. You put the ointment on and it disappears immediately. A week later it reappears, so you go back to the pharmacist and ask if they have any more ointment. The pharmacist says “Sure; keep the tube, you might need it later.”

You apply the ointment and hey presto, the sore disappears once again. But every time the sore returns, it gets larger and more painful, with the interval getting shorter and shorter. Eventually, the sore covers your whole face and is excruciatingly painful, and it’s returning every half hour. You know the ointment will remove it temporarily, but you’re very worried. Will the sore eventually spread over your whole body? Will the interval disappear completely? You go to your doctor and they can’t cure it, so you try other things but nothing helps apart from the ointment.

By now you’re completely dependent on the ointment, never going out without ensuring that you have a tube with you. If you go abroad, you make sure you take several tubes with you. In addition to your worries about your health, the pharmacist is charging you a hundred dollars a tube. You have no choice but to pay up.

You stumble across an article discussing this and find out it isn’t just happening to you, many people are suffering from the same problem. In fact, the medical community has discovered that the ointment doesn’t actually cure the sore, and instead only takes it beneath the surface of the skin. It’s the ointment that caused the sore to grow, so all you have to do to get rid of the sore is to stop using the ointment and it’ll disappear in due course.
(easypeasymethod, ch. 7.2, https://easypeasymethod.org/what-am-i-giving-up.html)
 
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