Following the Light

[Brutus]

My addiction to Pornography started shortly after I graduated high school in 2017. I am 23 years old and this addiction has effectively put my life on hold the past 5 years. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon). Male members are expected to serve a 2 year mission where they focus on teaching others about Jesus Christ. My church is very strict about the spiritual standards that must be met to serve a mission. A pornography addiction is not tolerated, nor would I want to serve a mission with such a problem. I’ve talked to my spiritual leaders about this problem and they've told me I need to be sober for at least 90 days in order to go (coincidence?). I found out about these forms while reading YBOP and feel like journaling daily will help me to stay motivated to stop looking at porn. I desperately want to go on a mission but this addiction has kept me from doing so for 5 years. My bishop told me that I’m starting to get too old to go, as the age cutoff is 24. After hearing this, I decided that this addiction wasn’t going to take any more of my time. I know I can’t overcome this addiction through my own willpower. I’ve been trying for the past 5 years with no success. The only way I will overcome this is by relying on Jesus Christ. I know that he can heal my soul and take away my desire to look at Pornography if I am willing to seek Him.

I am currently on day 11 of no PMO and feel really good about my current streak. I’ll be making daily updates each evening. Any support is greatly appreciated!

 

[Blondie]

Keep it up Brutus.

You can do this!

 

[Brutus]

Day 12, No PMO. had a good day spending time with family. Excited to go to church tomorrow. It always gives me strength for the upcoming week.

 

[Brutus]

Day 13, no PMO. Feeling good about the upcoming week.

 

[Brutus]

Day 14, no PMO. Felt some urges earlier today but felt a lot better after exercising. I think the key for me is to keep a balanced life style so don't feel the need to look at P. Exercise has been a big part of that process for me.

 

[Brutus]

Day 15, no PMO. It feels great to be at 2 weeks right now but I need to stay on guard. In the past, I've gotten to this point in recovery and relapsed. I actually can't remember the last time I was sober for more than 2 weeks. It feels great but I am nervous at the same time because of what lies ahead. This is new ground for me and I need to be vigilant in order to keep myself from relapsing.

 

[Brutus]

Day 16, no PMO. Today was the hardest I've faced so far in my reboot. I had a dream this morning that I looked at P. Whenever this has happened to me in the past, I would be horny all day and relapse that night. Thankfully, the urges aren't as strong today as I have faced before. I will continue to pray for strength in this addiction. I believe that my own strength can only get me so far. Ultimately, I need to rely on a power that is greater than myself. For me personally, that power is God.

I'm going to be extra cautious tonight since I might still have an urge to act out my dream. Porn is not an option for me anymore.

 

[Brutus]

Okay, I'm back!
A lot of stuff has happened since July last year. I can't believe it's been that long already.
I realize now that I can't control or overcome this addiction by my own power. That's quite a statement but its true.
While studying stories about Alcoholics Anonymous, I found an interesting thread through every story. At some point, those who achieved long term sobriety strictly followed step two of their 12 steps to recovery. It reads, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." For me, that power is God. Notice the next step in the process, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." The problem for me wasn't that God wasn't helping me or I wasn't righteous enough. I needed to literally put this struggle in God's hands and say "I can't bear this burden anymore. I can't overcome through my own power. I need you to save me."
As soon as I submitted to God's will, the burden was lifted. I know what people mean when they say they have been "born again." I feel as though new life has come into every aspect of my life. It wasn't my power that did this. It was all God, the master healer.
I'm at 35 days no PMO and I can't believe how easy it has been. There is no struggle, no despair. I feel hope, joy and love.
I'm still going to go on a mission once I hit 90 days sobriety. I have complete confidence that God will get me there. Now I can preach about His incredible healing ability and love. I wish everybody felt like this.

 

[Brutus]

36 days no PMO.

Applying the twelve steps of recovery from Alcoholics Anonymous has really helped me to recover from my addiction to Pornography.
All addictions function the same at a basic level. We turn to addictions to ease a certain pain or insecurity we feel, whether the addiction is pornography or alcohol or any other behavior. I would recommend that anyone who is struggling with an addiction apply the twelve steps and live them daily. You don't have to specifically believe in God, just a power that is greater than your own. That might be love or the universe or science or whatever. Submitting to that greater power is what brought me healing and peace. The twelve steps talk about alcohol specifically but you can insert any addiction and the process still works the same.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

 

[Brutus]

Day 37 no PMO.

I still get the occasional urge to act out through M. Thankfully, the lust has disappeared from my life. I realize now that I wasn't addicted to pornography or masturbation per se. I was really addicted to lustful actions and thoughts. It is terrible to be driven by lust in all that you do.
It changes the way you view women, the world, relationships. While deep in P addiction, satisfying lust is the most important thing in life.
Of course, lust is never satisfied so it becomes a cycle of lapsing, promising to do better, becoming tempted and lapsing again.
I had to pray for God to take the lust away. I no longer wanted to be controlled by it. I've found that God is a much more merciful and kind master than lust and addiction ever were.

 

[Brutus]

Day 39 no PMO.

Got busy spending time with family yesterday so I forgot to post.
There's a particular phrase used in Alcoholics anonymous that describes the turning point in a person's addiction. The phrase is "hitting rock bottom." This is the point where the pain from the addiction is worse than the pain of the problem it attempts to solve. It is also the point where a person stops digging their pit and starts to climb out. For me, rock bottom was actually the highest point I had been in my addiction. I was exercising, eating healthy, enjoying inspiring media and making good life choices in general. Despite this, the addiction was still a problem that would come back every couple weeks. I was at the end of my rope. I was literally doing everything I possibly could and it was still a problem. It was at this point that I finally asked God to take care of the addiction for me. I now realize why those in alcoholics anonymous say "sobriety is a gift." For me, that gift comes from God as I put my struggle in His hands rather than trying to control it with my own limited strength.

 

[Brutus]

Day 41 no PMO

Felt sick yesterday so I didn't post.
There were two major ideas that changed the way I approached my addiction. The first was written by St. Augustine, a Christian writer who lived in 400 AD. He wrote, "Freewill, without grace, has the power to do nothing but sin." No matter what I choose to do with my freewill, I will continue to do that which is evil. I might do individual acts that are good, but my nature will remain evil. The second idea is from Romans 5:1, "Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ." To be justified, or deemed worthy before God, I had to have faith in Jesus Christ.

The more I tried to control this addiction through my own power, the worse the addiction became. This is because the nature of man is to sin or to do evil. Seeing this, I decided to put my faith in Jesus Christ. A visual helped me to better understand this process. The more I tried to hold and control the addiction in my own hands, the more it started to slip and affect others. Realizing that my own power wasn't enough to hold the addiction in check, I decided to act in faith. I asked for Jesus Christ to carry this burden instead. I asked for Jesus Christ to take the addiction into His hands rather than trying to hold it with my own. As soon as I asked for this, the burden was taken away from me. There really isn't much of a struggle for me anymore, since I'm not the one dealing with the addiction. The more I rely on Jesus Christ, the more strength I find in resisting temptations. It's almost a paradox. The only way for me to have the necessary strength to resist the addiction was to admit that I was powerless to overcome it. Only by reaching that point and acting in faith was I able to have strength beyond my own.

 

[Brutus]

Day 42 no PMO

I'm still feeling occasional urges to relapse. I'm definitely going through a flat line right now. I'm struggling more with the motivation and laziness side of the flat line rather than the sex drive side. It's tough to stay consistent in those things that keep your life balanced when you have no motivation to do so. What's helped me is to make a few things mandatory and keep the rest optional. The vital things for me are exercise, spending time meditating and praying, and staying off the internet. As long as I do these few things, I'm in a good place. Hopefully I'll get some prior motivation as time goes on. Just 2 weeks ago I felt as if I could go out and conquer the world. Now, it feels a lot like when I was deep in the addiction- low motivation and confidence. At least things are in an upward trend overall. I'm just going through a temporary valley on the road to recovery.

 

[Brutus]

Day 43 no PMO

One principle that has helped me in recovery comes from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Habit number 7 is called "Sharpen the Saw." Covey puts forth the idea that daily renewal comes in four different areas or dimensions. These 4 areas are physical, spiritual, mental and social. I have taken this habit to heart and practice it daily in order to have the necessary strength to face the demands of life. For the physical dimension I spend 1 hour each morning exercising. For my spiritual renewal I spend 1 hour praying and studying scripture. For mental development I spend at least 1 hour reading inspiring literature. Finally for social fulfillment I have conversations with those who are important to me. I've found that spending this time on my personal well-being makes it easier to resist the temptation to look at P. It's hard to want to look at pornography when you feel good and have a healthy sense of self-respect.

 

[Brutus]

Day 44 no PMO

Man yesterday was tough. Definitely the hardest day of this streak so far. I can feel my brain trying to get me to relapse because of it's desire for that dopamine hit. It's hurting for a quick fix but I have no desire to give in. In fact, the desire to look at porn and masturbate has completely died for me. Ever since I decided to completely put my faith in Jesus Christ and asked Him to take care of my addiction, it has become so much easier to deal with. He killed my desire to lust after images and women. It might sound hard to believe but it's true. Some people might say that I am simply psyching myself up or it's some sort of placebo effect. That's fine, believe what you want to believe. As for me, I truly believe that God has helped me with this addiction. I can't lie and say I got to 44 days by my own power. The most I could go alone was about 3 weeks. With God's power, it seems like a lifetime of sobriety is possible if I stay faithful to Him. My gratitude cannot be expressed by mere words for this incredible power in my life.

 

[Brutus]

Day 45 no PMO

Today has been much better than the last few days. I feel like I'm starting to get out of the flat line a bit.
I've been using Cold Turkey blocker to block websites I used to frequent for P. I also use it to lock the internet on my PC at night which is the time I relapse the most. Cold Turkey is the best blocker I have come across because it has the ability to completely block access to the internet along with individual sites. While blocking something, the app can't be uninstalled so you can't just turn it off either. It's kind of expensive at 40 usd but the way I see it, 40 dollars isn't all that much to pay if it helps to kill a porn addiction.

 

[Brutus]

Day 46 no PMO

Had a good Sunday. I am currently trying to go through a total dopamine detox by not PMOing, playing video games or spending time on social media. It's challenging but rewarding at the same time. The time I would spend gaming or browsing is now spent reading and writing. I'm also spending time exercising in the morning. Most of these lifestyle changes were inspired by a book called Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport. Basically, he argues that there is so much technology and sites on the internet that you must be deliberate about what you use or else that tech will end up controlling you. Realizing the truth behind this and seeing how much temptation can come from social media, I decided to stop using during my 90 days. I'll probably continue to do so after 90 days as well. People have lived without the internet for 2000 years and have been fine. Why can't we do the same? I bet mental health would improve too if people stopped spending so much time on the internet and technology.

 

[Brutus]

Day 47 no PMO

The more time that passes since my last relapse the more free I feel. I'm also starting to enjoy the little things more than before, especially listening to music.

I found this quote the other day by Will Durant. This is the reason why we need to stop our addictions to PMO.
“No one man, however brilliant or well-informed, can come in one lifetime to such fullness of understanding as to safely judge and dismiss the customs or institutions of his society, for these are the wisdom of generations after centuries of experiment in the laboratory of history. A youth boiling with hormones will wonder why he should not give full freedom to his sexual desires; and if he is unchecked by custom, morals, or laws, he may ruin his life before he matures sufficiently to understand that sex is a river of fire that must be banked and cooled by a hundred restraints if it is not to consume in chaos both the individual and the group.”

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Wow - great job on 47 days! Keep it up and looking forward to when we hear that you are going to go on your mission!


Reading your first post - I was already going to mention 12 steps but seems you found it yourself! I'll also mention there are 12 step programs specific to sex/porn addiction if you ever wanted to connect with others in the program/ found that helpful. Wonderful that you have support/ accountability through your church as well

 

[Brutus]

Wow - great job on 47 days! Keep it up and looking forward to when we hear that you are going to go on your mission!


Reading your first post - I was already going to mention 12 steps but seems you found it yourself! I'll also mention there are 12 step programs specific to sex/porn addiction if you ever wanted to connect with others in the program/ found that helpful. Wonderful that you have support/ accountability through your church as well

Thanks for posting Winner.
I actually attend a weekly 12 step recovery program that is facilitated by my church
I have found that real recovery began for me when I started going to these meetings and faced my addiction head on with the support of others going through the same struggle. It's crazy how much it helps to talk with someone who has been through the same hell as you.