I want to succeed at this as bad as I want to breathe

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 24

It's been a good weekend. I've kept myself busy enough that it's actually been the best weekend of this reboot yet, specifically as it relates to urges, thoughts, etc. I am feeling fairly "flat" at this time, but that's ok. Looking forward to a time when my libido starts to come back, even in smaller doses, but I'm understanding of the possibility that this may take quite some time, especially given my history. For now, I just watch the days, and trust the process.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 27

Had a vivid wet dream really throw off my morning today. I definitely felt like I lost a lil bit of my inner fire, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, just not what I was expecting or planning on today. It also gave me incredible sexual urges as soon as I woke up. I could feel that my brain was trying to send signals to MO as soon as I woke up. Fortunately, I feel like my mission is clear, and I feel focused enough to have identified these urges for what they were, and known that I cannot act upon them. My lady was not home, and I was on my own to cope. I simply got on with my morning and the heightened horniness soon faded to a much more manageable level and I headed to work, admittedly feeling distracted. I will say that I definitely felt "drained", and could really feel this strongly for about half of my day. I still don't feel as charged as I did yesterday, but that's ok. There will be tough moments in this process, and I am aware that it's important to learn to cope with them as they come, and with time they will become easier to cope with.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 28

Good day today. Still feeling a little under-charged, but that's ok. I had a dentist appointment this morning and had prepped my team that I likely wouldn't be in the office all day. Of course, in the past, I'd have taken the rest of the day to just stay home and watch porn, uselessly burning up time, and being un-productive. Today, I got free, came home for a few minutes, and decided I was headed to the office anyway, even if half my face was completely numb. It ended up being a properly productive day.

Anyway, 4 weeks down, and while I'm pretty happy about that, I intend for it to only be the intro to the life I should have been living all along.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 30

It's interesting how we mark out landmark numbers in this process sometimes. 30 days is a cool number to hit, but it's really no more special than any other number. I think the real treat is just making it another day with success, whatever number that may be. Though I've fallen several times before, my ultimate goals are to quit PMO forever, so while landmark day counts like 30, 90, 180 days, etc, are cool markers at the front end of this journey, I really do hope that at a point it's so far in the rearview that I don't even count any more. I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped smoking. I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped doing drugs. I just know that they're not even a temptation to me any more, and haven't been for a very long time. I hope that someday I can't remember when I quit porn, and like my past vices, serve only as a memory to remind me of how much better my life is without it. I have a long way to go to make it to this point, and this is still very much an active battle I'm fighting every single day.

I'm confident, but not cocky. I know temptation can kick my ass any day if I'm not careful. I need to keep my focus.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped smoking. I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped doing drugs. I just know that they're not even a temptation to me any more, and haven't been for a very long time. I hope that someday I can't remember when I quit porn, and like my past vices, serve only as a memory to remind me of how much better my life is without it.
This.

Yeah counting is fun, I do it because it's very motivating for me, although I plan on cutting it out sometime down the road, though I don't know when just yet. I suppose after a year I'll probably start counting months, but if I start losing my motivation, I'll jump back to counting again! :cool:

In the end, whatever works for thee is okay with me!

Congrats on 30 days porn-free, that's a hell of an accomplishment!

Best.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Thanks brother. I don't disagree with you. I will continue to count, because it's helping me get through this period. It's nice to have a reminder of how far I've come, and ultimately, how much progress I could lose if I falter. I just hope I can hit a point someday where it's completely out of my mind. Today is not that day, though, but that's ok. Just thinking out loud.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Day 30

It's interesting how we mark out landmark numbers in this process sometimes. 30 days is a cool number to hit, but it's really no more special than any other number. I think the real treat is just making it another day with success, whatever number that may be. Though I've fallen several times before, my ultimate goals are to quit PMO forever, so while landmark day counts like 30, 90, 180 days, etc, are cool markers at the front end of this journey, I really do hope that at a point it's so far in the rearview that I don't even count any more. I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped smoking. I couldn't tell you the exact date I stopped doing drugs. I just know that they're not even a temptation to me any more, and haven't been for a very long time. I hope that someday I can't remember when I quit porn, and like my past vices, serve only as a memory to remind me of how much better my life is without it. I have a long way to go to make it to this point, and this is still very much an active battle I'm fighting every single day.

I'm confident, but not cocky. I know temptation can kick my ass any day if I'm not careful. I need to keep my focus.
I love this attitude!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Agreed, I would love to stop counting one day, but I feel like I need to track my progress. Counting is sort of just keeping everything organised and remembering how far I’ve come.

Don’t know when I stopped smoking either. I just sort of stepped it down at some point from smoking half a pack every day to almost never smoking at all. It’s like I have to remind myself that cigarettes exist most days - hope to get there with P as well.
 

WinkTinkTillium

Active Member
I'm confident, but not cocky. I know temptation can kick my ass any day if I'm not careful. I need to keep my focus.

Great mindset! staying ever vigilant against it but respecting what it is, has, and can do only helps push you forward.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 32

It's been a good couple days overall, but I've had a few challenges. I definitely feel my boredom on weekends if I have nothing to do, but I'm doing my best to use it to motivate myself to do something to stay busy. In the past I could just watch porn and TV all day. Now that I'm looking back at it, I can see what an absolute waste of time that was. I've had more time on my hands than I even realized, and I intend to be more productive with it. It's just weird realizing how much time I really have on my weekends, and the challenge is finding healthy things to do with that time.

I did have one lapse in judgement today. Nothing came of it, but I was scrolling on Facebook and a video with a girl in bikini came on that caught my attention. Admittedly, she had that "pornstar" look to her, and the video was extremely revealing. I was like a hypnotized cartoon character for a minute, full trance, zombified, eyes swirling, and just watched it. Ok, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get what I'm getting at. Finally it hit me, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was not just admiring her, I was lusting for her, and that's exactly the type of behavior I'm trying to break. It made me feel very silly to have succumbed to such a video at this point. Fortunately, this didn't cause me too much distress, I didn't feel that I had any inkling to MO because of the trigger. I just broke my attention, put the phone down, and got back to work. The occurrence definitely made me feel vulnerable and kind of embarrassed though if I'm honest. I felt really stupid, like I had driven 150mph with no seatbelt. I may have made it through today, but it was risky and reckless in the moment.

I'm going to consider todays silly situation a learning experience, and work on making sure that I am more aware of triggers, and break away from them right away if I encounter them. I need to take actions I'm proud of, not actions I feel wrong for. The silver lining today is that, once I broke free and identified my stupid behavior, I felt fine. I did not feel tempted. I also think it's important to me to journal this occurrence, so I can feel like I'm being accountable here regarding my actions on this journey, good or bad.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 37

I'll say that, generally speaking, I'm hitting a point where I'm focusing less on my recovery, and I don't mean that in a bad way. For the first several weeks, I felt like I had to constantly redirect my brain to think about something other than my recovery. It's like the thought of recovery, and acknowledgement of urges, etc., were persistently looming, and I had to find a way to run from that every second of every day. I had to manually shift my focus and thoughts because I know what happens if I let them direct themselves. I did that by focusing on my work during the work week, and hyper-focusing on hobbies in my "free time". This past week, I feel like I finally have some breathing room, and my mind has had a little bit of ability to freely wander and think about normal things on it's own, without being forced. Not that my mind is completely free, but even a shred of relief is a notable change compared to my first few weeks of recovery. It's just not hitting me in the face all day every day that I'm going through recovery. Perhaps my brain is starting to settle in.

Anyway, I know this process goes through stages, and lots of ups and downs, so I know I need to still stay vigilant, but for the moment, I'm welcoming the moment of mental relief, however long that may last.
 

Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 39

Somewhere at the beginning of this reboot, I snoozed a couple "adult" groups I was in on Facebook. These groups are an offshoot relating to a hobby of mine, but with an "adult" spin on them, which is basically just a bunch of pervy dudes posting photos of women they found on the internet, or women seeking attention of men, posting revealing photos of themselves, and barely tie the hobby aspect into it somehow to make it relevant to the group. The snooze must have expired, because one right after another today popped up, and both had posts with what would be considered triggering content.

Easy fix! I ignored the content, and immediately left both groups, for good. Didn't even think twice about it. I don't need that shit in my life. I want reality, not a useless digital tease. I'm not sure if I just wasn't taking this seriously when I snoozed in the first place, or perhaps I didn't realize the level of trigger, and potential to at minimum cause distress, and more likely, cause relapse. Either way, at this point, I can see how useless this type of content really is, and I know I don't need this in my life, now, or later. Good riddance.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Nice job Warhawk.

It's amazing what a little time away from porn will do for us in those things that we use to think were "normal" but now seem a total waste of time.

Keep up the good work.

If it's not real, it's no deal.
 
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Warhawk88

Active Member
Day 40

Thanks @Blondie. Agreed. It's also interesting to me to look at this from a "clean" mind. The interesting part of these groups is the act of male members of those groups, who would act like it's "manly" to watch porn, or lust over (photos of) women they'll never meet in person. From this side of things, it actually seems quite the opposite. The "manly" thing would be to go be with an actual woman, not a computer or phone. I understand admiring a female for her beauty, but lusting over a woman who you'll never actually have sex or a connection with, or worse, ever even meet, is not exactly peak masculinity. It's silly. Of course, there is no disrespect intended to anyone here in that statement, because we have ALL been there (heck, I've been there fairly recently), but we've also all identified this being an issue we want or need to correct, hence our involvement in rebooting.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Indeed! What’s scary is that being in the middle of it, we don’t see it for what it actually is - how unnatural and detrimental to our lives it is. Wasting so much time and energy on something that is not real and will never be.
 
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