For my unborn

G.123

Member
Hi,

I am 35 years old. Yesterday my wife of 3 years said our marriage is over and she wants a divorce. She says that there is nothing I have done wrong and she still loves me as a person but that 'the love, passion and desire to be in this marriage has gone for her'. She says she has felt this way for the last 18 months but has been trying to convince herself that everything is ok.

I still love my wife and want to stay together. Even worse is that we have been trying for a baby which I have been so excited about. I've always wanted children and a family. We have had tests and my sperm health and count is fine and my wife is fine fertility wise too, just some cysts on her ovaries which apparently is very common and whilst we should in time conceive naturally, IVF would speed things up. We are due to start IVF in Autumn.

Obviously to be trying for a baby we have been having sex! But to be honest this just means we have sex 2 or 3 times each month in the days when her fertility tracker app says she is most fertile. I have also secretly used viagra on occasion to help me! Not every time, normally if we have sex in the morning I'm good. But in the evening when I am tired after work I can sometimes struggle to rise to the occasion! Funny thing is though that no matter what time of day or how tired I am I would never fail to rise for porn!

I have been watching porn since I was about 15 and whilst I know it is not as good as real sex, there is something about the ease of it. It is like I have trained my brain to yearn for the easy doppamine hit that porn brings!

Before I met my now wife I had a few casual sexual encounters but I knew I would always need viagra to give me confidence that I could perform. I also used viagra nearly everytime for the first 6 months of being with my now wife. However, after 6 months me and my wife started living together, I drastically cut down on watching porn, we also stopped using condoms (my wife was on birth control) and hey presto we had regular sex with no viagra. I felt like a normal person! I was even noticeably more confident and outgoing. I watched porn on occasion but I'm talking like once per month. For the first time in a long time I felt I had beaten the habit of porn! (I've had one other long term relationship where we lived together before and the same thing happened then).

However, for the last two years my wife has been working night shifts and weekends. We see each other less which can be bad for any relationship, but worse it gives me far too much time to be at home, alone and bored. Inevitably I watch porn! Over the last two years sex with my wife has become infrequent and as I said before, there have been performance issues that have led to me sneakily using viagra again.

I know that the lack of intamacy and the robotic nature of only having sex at one point in time each month for the purposes of conceiving is what has killed my marriage. My wifes very words 'the love, passion and desire have gone'.

So tomorrow I move back to my parents house. I do not want to become a 35 year old man back in the same bedroom I was in when I was 16 and still watching porn! I want my wife back and I want a family!

So here I am on this forum. I am going to treat this stay at my parents house as a boot camp where I get my shit together. Hopefully my wife will see me get my confidence back and she will see that I haven't just wallowed in self pity, taking the easy option, watching porn again.

Maybe then she will take me back. I really really hope so and I hope the end of this thread is me telling you guys we have a baby coming, hence the name of this thread. At the very least, even if my wife doesn't take me back, I need to get my life moving forward. If I don't beat this and I end up with a protracted stay in my childhood bedroom in my parents house watching porn, well, I'll be in a hell of a dark place.

I wish you all luck my brothers and I hope to browse some other threads and post some support. I also hope to use this to shame me into not watching porn and counting up the days of going without! Thank you, we got this!
 
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G.123

Member
Day one done. Not been easy today as when having shit days and at the weekend when I have time it was tempting to give up already! I started the day with MO no porn in effort to subdue any urge! I did browse an escort website just to look at pictures and stay away from porn but I wish I hadn't! I'm not counting that as a failure but moving forward I don't want to even browse photos online. I've blocked instagram and facebook now. Got to focus!
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
Welcome, G123. Wow, that's a lot to unpack. Certainly, you have a lot of good reasons to give up porn. That's terrible news about your marriage, but sometimes that lack of "love, passion, and desire" happens, and when it does, you have to move on, even if that's painful. (I can speak from experience, since that's more or less how I felt when my own marriage came to an end.)

However, this forum is about rebooting to defeat a porn addiction. There's lots of guys here going through the same thing, so the forum has a lot of food for thought. I give the same advice to everyone: read as many threads here as you can, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover, and educate yourself as much as you can about porn addiction. All of this will help you recover and beat the addiction.

And finally: when you're going through hell, keep going. (Winston Churchill)
 

G.123

Member
Welcome, G123. Wow, that's a lot to unpack. Certainly, you have a lot of good reasons to give up porn. That's terrible news about your marriage, but sometimes that lack of "love, passion, and desire" happens, and when it does, you have to move on, even if that's painful. (I can speak from experience, since that's more or less how I felt when my own marriage came to an end.)

However, this forum is about rebooting to defeat a porn addiction. There's lots of guys here going through the same thing, so the forum has a lot of food for thought. I give the same advice to everyone: read as many threads here as you can, read Your Brain On Porn from cover to cover, and educate yourself as much as you can about porn addiction. All of this will help you recover and beat the addiction.

And finally: when you're going through hell, keep going. (Winston Churchill)
Thank you man. It is always nice to hear from someone who knows what you're going through. Love that Churchill quote too, one that I definetly use to motivate myself.
 

G.123

Member
Last night and this morning I messed up and watched porn. Had been out all night with mates at a beer festival which ended up in us going out in town with a load of cocaine. Feel rediculous that I only lasted one week off porn! I recognise that alcohol and drugs are never conducive to making good decisions! Not giving up though, just seeing that as a temporary blip and moving forward again.
 

G.123

Member
Day 20. Still keeping to this! From today forward I want to grow and be a better person as well as quiting the porn. Meeting my wife on Sunday for first time since I moved out so will see what happens there
 
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