Close to the Edge

SoberRich

Member
So folks,

I am back in these rooms. I have been gone a long time, and to make a long story short, yes I was relapsing for a long time, with both porn and alcohol, and finally relapsing just became going back to being an active drinker/user of porn. Now, thanks to daily AA meetings, working with a sponsor, and my HP, I am 22 days sober of alcohol. I am forever grateful for that, and seeing improvements, but unfortunately my progress with porn has lagged behind, and I am very much currently an active porn user.

This one is just so much harder. I have done my 5th, 6th, and 7th steps in AA, have prayed for my HP to remove my defects of character, including this fricken' porn addiction, but somehow I keep on getting back to it at night. I need more meditation on the mat in the morning, more reading of spiritual books. There are goals I have for my social life. I want to find a meditation group, along with my book club group.

Frankly, I am just sick and tired of being sick and tired, as the old saying goes. I know that emotional sobriety will not come, and my recovery will always be threatened, as long as I tolerate this despicable habit.

I am sick of being manipulated every day by the whores on Reddit, I am sick of always being pissed off despite my success with alcohol. I am sick of not having peace of mind.

I am going to go at this hard. I am going to meditate more, pray more, like I said. I am going to also watch myself online like a hawk. I have already decreased my use of the internet drastically. I basically use the internet for school, to check my email, listen to music on Spotify, I will read the news once in a while, or I will check ebooks out on Libby or Hoopla. Besides that, I may download free books from Amazon, but that is about it.

My internet use, when I am not using porn, is analogous to being Amish. No social media. No checking the news (I get most of my news during the week from the Economist which I again, borrow on Libby). But I am going to go further. No more watching videos on Youtube. There is just too much Middle Circle stuff on there.

And absolutely no Reddit. I have had a hard time deleting my account because I've forgotten my password. Not that deleting my account would do anything, because I would still be able to access Reddit porn without one.

I am simply just going to have to go old school on this one and watch what I do online, spend less time online, and pray and meditate more. I'm back here, guys. Taking it one day at a time.

Soberiety from alcohol: 22 days
Sobriety from porn/masturbation: 0

Rich
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Welcome back! You're doing a great thing, and well done on getting the alcohol under control.

I agree with you on Reddit, I think that is truly a great choice to make, to stay away from it completely. I've come to realize I just had to stop using it - it's a plague on my mind, even when just viewing "clean" content.
 

SoberRich

Member
Day 1 and planning to end the day sober of porn. The day didn't start off well, with me sleeping through my alarm and missing AA (I go to the 6:30 meetings as it is the best time for me). Nevermind, just won't let it happen again. There is some anxiety over the new job (grocery clerk at Publix) I am starting in September. It has been a long time since I have worked a job sober. I am being patient with myself and realizing that yes, there will be a learning curve as I figure out how to function like an actual adult. I had to humble myself this week during my weekly phone call with my dad (I have been calling him every week since my latest relapse). I have been going to school to prepare for going into the jewelry industry and he heavily encouraged me to go the route of becoming a bench jeweler, rather than trying to make ends meet as a salesman. He is of course right. I am quite introverted and trying to compete as a salesman would probably lead me right back to the bottle. I have realized that it is about having faith. Applying for these bench jeweler apprenticeships is stressful for me as I am always anxious over the outcome. I haven't exactly had the best track record when it comes to building a career. I am new to this. But I also need to remind myself that I am overqualified for these apprenticeships. They only ask for a high school diploma (like all the other jobs out there) and I have a Masters degree. I really shouldn't be complaining because being a bench jeweler is a good job, with a good salary, and it would be much less stressful than the alternative. Perhaps in my early sobriety I was trying to get revenge on the world by aiming for jobs in sales that I thought would prove the world wrong about me. Sobriety and recovery aren't like that though. We get revenge by staying sober and living a good life. I will apply for those apprenticeships. Being behind the scenes is the right place for me, not up front. I know that in my heart.

Thanks for listening,

Rich
 

SoberRich

Member
Hello all,

checking in on day 3. I've survived two days without porn, and am now 24 days sober of alcohol. The difference is really hitting me. I am feeling restless and stressed. I am noticing that I have started to adictify hobbies or normal activities. I have caught myself more than once try to read a book for several hours, neglecting my 2 year old son. I have caught myself trying to eat my way to a dopamine fix. These things tell me two things:

1. That quitting porn was the right thing to do and was necessary. I was using it as a crutch and a substitution for alcohol.
2. That addiction is a beast, and if I let it it will find a way to continue to wreak havoc on my life

How do I face these demons? When it comes to reading, this hobby is a passion of mine. I love learning and acquiring knowledge and I learn something from every book I read, whether nonfiction or fiction. I have realized, though that I need to change my relationship to this hobby I love. I have read some books on speed reading and this has been revolutionary. While I abhor the cult techniques of hard core speed readers (like scanning pages, or trying to read more than one line at a time), I do try to actively utilize basic techniques (like not highlighting until after I have finished a passage, not getting attached to each sentence as I read it.) Using this technique I can easily read at 400 or 450 wpm and easily finish 200 page books in 3 days.

As far as eating goes. I will have one plate or bowl of food each meal. I realize I have to change my relationship with food too. It isn't a drug. The point is not to "get a hit". I eat my food, I enjoy my food, then I put it away.

So much to learn in so little time. Lastly, I only read one book at a time (not including the Big Book, of course). I only move on to another book when I finish the one I am reading. This forces me to speed read to not get bored and to focus. When I try to juggle too many books I end up neglecting other important parts of my life, like my kid and wife.

Anyway. Gratefully sober, and clean, FINALLY!

Sobriety from alcohol: 24 days
Sobriety from porn and masturbation: 2 days

Rich
 

SoberRich

Member
I just slipped with porn and masturbation, so back to day 0. I went over to Reddit, which is always what knocks me over. No more of that.

Rich

Sobriety from alcohol: 24 days
Sobriety from porn: 0 days
 

SoberRich

Member
Slipped again, the same exact way. I am getting frustrated at myself, at the internet, for making this shit available. I am just bitter and angry right now. I don't know if I will feel comfortable sharing at AA tomorrow. Probably not. Luckily there are usually a lot of people there on Mondays, so I will probably stay silent, until I actually get this under control.

I'm sorry for being a bummer. I will stay away from Reddit and everything that isn't one of the few things listed above. I will defeat this!

Rich
 

SoberRich

Member
Morning check in at 9:14 am. Went to AA this morning and end up sharing on the topic. I am feeling good so far. I will check in later tonight. Absolutely no Reddit or any form of social media. I just forced myself not to comment on a Youtube video I just watched (non porn, not middle circle.) For me, it isn't whether or not it relates to porn that matters. It is the idea of participating in online culture that grips me. The relativism, the sacrifice of my values in order to communicate with faceless, anonymous people. My social life, starting in September will be comprised of going to AA in the mornings, my monthly book club meeting, and going to group meditations at my local temple.

I am making a change in my life.

Rich

Sobriety from alcohol: 26 days
Sobriety from porn: on day 1
 

astralon

Member
Well done for sharing. I think it's always goof to expose yourself and face the truth.

This is also an online culture, guys trying to shake off one of the most difficult addictions. Stay with it.
 

SoberRich

Member
Morning check in. Day 2 of abstaining from porn. I will not be able to get on the computer for the next couple of days, as my wife, kid and I will be out of town at Disney World for the next two days. Two days to forget our problems! I will be calling my sponsor daily, as I won't be able to go to AA meetings because we will be staying at a Disney resort, and I know there is plenty of alcohol available on the premises. I will try to check in here on my phone. Wish me luck!

Rich

Sobriety from alcohol: 27 days
Sobriety from porn: 1 day
 

SoberRich

Member
Morning check in. Yesterday was my day off and unfortunately I binged to porn all afternoon, so I am back to the starting line.

Sobriety from alcohol: 36 days
Sobriety from porn: on day 1
 
Get right back on that horse Rich. Posting here is the best start to that, so pat yourself on the back for that.

Hold on to why you want to quit and know you're not alone on the journey.

We're all here with you and in your corner.
 

SoberRich

Member
I binged yesterday afternoon and last night so everything is fresh in my mind. On the subject of the having permission to look think. I think that having that tacit permission to look, both through being in a romantic relationship, but also within every moment with that person is paramount. That is what makes the relationship sacred, that trust and respect that has to grow and be earned.

And we don't have a right to look just because we are our girlfriend's boyfriend or our wife's husband. That is something I had to learn the hard way, that her feelings matter. To me sexual desire is neutral, it isn't toxic. Only when we justify taking ownership of the person we desire does it become toxic. And we do that by objectifying. The question that has to be answered is why am I looking? This, after we answer the more obvious, "do I have a right to look/and or touch?"

As I write this, I am dealing with a 2 year old who lacks any understanding of boundaries. He sits right on top of me regardless of whether I am doing something or don't want to be touched. The fact that he is 2 and literally doesn't understand boundaries doesn't make it any less annoying. My job as a parent is to teach him how to respect people.

And isn't that the jest of this whole thing? As porn addicts aren't we kind of acting like toddlers? Just as toddlers have to be taught how to respect physical boundaries, we recovering porn addicts have to be taught how to respect the sexual boundaries of our wife or girlfriend.

We have to start from scratch. We have to learn her emotional/sexual language. We have to learn how to initiate sex and how to accept it when she initiates with us.

Porn blurs the lines. There is a particularly egregious style of porn that I saw yesterday that is so horrible exactly because it blurs these lines that should not be blurred. In this video a particular porn star, whom shall not be named, was trying tops on for a friend (who was a man) for a night out.

I don't think I have to explain the absurdity of this situation, but the subtext of the video was clear. There are no boundaries between these two people. Boundaries don't matter. It is okay for two people, two friends, of opposite sex, to watch eachother change. Relationships don't matter. Just eye fuck each other as if there is no meaning in life.

Anyway, I've gotta go. I'll get back to this later. It just made me think. That's all. Let us all get better. I'll copy this to my journal later.

Rich
 

SoberRich

Member
GAHHHHHHHH!!!

Just got back from AA and I already failed at my goal at not using social media (I got on Reddit). But I WON'T USE PORN!!!

I am closing Reddit as we speak, deleting my internet history AGAIN, and going to start over. This is so annoying. But at least I didn't PMO or drink.

Rich
 
I would suggest the use of porn and website blocking through covenant eyes software. You can block porn, and any other site. It does cost like 15 bucks a month but it does really work to keep you away. You can also put an accountability partner, just like your aa sponsor, on there so that whenever you search for explicit material, they will be notified. i have a link in my sig if youre interested
 
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SoberRich

Member
Morning check in on day 1. I had an amazing AA meeting this morning. It was just such a powerful, spiritual conversation. Today I give myself and my life over to a God of my understanding. I have done the 7th step prayer. I do need to do some job applications today. I will make sure to only have the job websites open and Spotify playing music. I will get through this! I am heavily triggered at the moment. I went over to Youtube and watched videos while I ate my breakfast. It always amazes me what is on that sodden site! I vented in the comments about a video of a guy who blinded himself in a failed suicide attempt spouting off on spirituality. NOTHING SPIRITUAL ABOUT THAT! As someone who did suffer suicidal ideation in the depths of alcoholism and porn addiction I know that the one answer is getting to a 12 Step meeting NOW, giving your life to a higher power, and not tolerating or enabling the viscous cycle of suicidal ideation.

I am so thankul I no longer suffer that horrible mental illness. 39 days sober of alcohol today. I will finish the day clean of porn.

Have a good one!

Rich

Sobriety from alcohol: 39 days
Sobriety from porn: day 1
 

SoberRich

Member
Checking in at 12:19 am, about to go to bed. Completed one day sober. Will be back tomorrow.

Sobriety from alcohol: 44 days
Sobriety from porn: 1 day
 
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