Day 30 - No PMO:
30 days without porn or masturbation. This is the first milestone of many. I've had a bit of a tough day today, but I am extremely happy that I made it this far. I should give myself a break because today is cause to celebrate. I might save that till the weekend. Mentally, things are starting to look up. I woke up with a mini anxiety attack but it didn't take long before I took back control over my mental state.
When I started this journey a month back, I had no idea how I would even begin to take back control of my life. I was not doing well but there was no one I felt I could tell what I was going through, not even my wife. Journaling everyday and exercising massively helped me take back the reins. I no longer feel like I am at the mercy of my porn addiction. It still feels like an unstoppable force whenever I get horny. I still get the tunnel vision and that dreaded feeling that porn is the only way out. But now, even in the middle of all that, I feel as though there is a way out for me.
There were many instances over the past month where I felt that I was gonna cave in. Bringing myself back from that feeling was the real milestone that should be celebrated. I faced the beast at its worse (the first three weeks) and came out victrious every damn time. I mentioned in one of my earlier entries that all my past over-one-month streaks were characterized by a strong conviction that I would never watch porn again. This would usually result in little to no urges (because I believe the conviction removes white-knuckling that results from doubts, which cause cravings, that result in relapse), which meant I seldom had to face the beast and conquer it. I have a strong fear of relapse and cravings, hence why the slightest urges triggers my fears that I would relapse, which send me on a downward spiral to Coomville.
This time I was hit with some really serious urges, the kind that would send my streak down the drain in no time. This time I did not give in. I fought and stayed my ground. This is why this streak, to me, is more precious than many others that preceeded it.
Probably worth mentioning that I had a dream where I had a sexual encounter with a woman. It wasn't my wife but it wasn't any woman I know. It was another vivid dream which brings the total to 3 intense sexual dreams. This is really odd since I rarely ever dream, let alone have 3 vivd sexual dreams in one week. My brain is so fixated on sex and sexual release, but unfortunately for it, it's gonna have to wait some more.