To The Better Things in Life

[seano]

You're crushing it Teal, 5 days is something to be proud of!
That's awesome that you've found a new hobby. I keep thinking more and more finding new and renewed interests and outlets is going to be a big part of my own healing process, so it's good to hear you've found it helpful.

Also, totally relate to the Christian shame (I grew up Catholic)

Keep going against the grain of your past familial and religious impressions. You're stronger and are the maker of your life!

 

[Willem_Saltzpyre]

5/14

I'm embarrassed to say I had to count on my fingers to figure out what day I was on. I've still been really into my new hobby, which has definitely helped me stay away from PMO. I had lots of alone time the last couple days, Monday I even stayed home from work, and I didn't watch anything. It crossed my mind but I was able to put it away quickly. If I dwell on it for too long, the temptation grows exponentially—it's always best to just stop it at the source and not even let yourself think about it.

What having did you pick up? I agree on stopping the thought. If I even entertain the thought it grows drastically.

 

[TealCactus]

What having did you pick up? I agree on stopping the thought. If I even entertain the thought it grows drastically.

I got into RC drift cars. I’m super nerdy haha. I got a kit so I have to build it, I like doing things with my hands and so love cars so it seemed like a good fit.

 

[TypeN]

Hey man, just ran across your thread. Saw several similarities in your story to mine; struggling to manage the addiction with device restrictions (they're working lately, but I can't tell you how many times I've broken them before now), coping with trauma, authoritarian parents, occasional suicidal ideation (because of the addiction) ...

Anyway, from what I've read it looks like your heart's in the right place, and I'm confident you can succeed. I'll be watching this space, cheers mate.

 

[seano]

Hey just checking in, haven't heard from you in a while

 

[TealCactus]

Hey just checking in, haven't heard from you in a while

Appreciate it man. I’ve been in a hole emotionally the past few days. I’ll post an update tonight.

 

[TealCactus]

0/14. Hey everyone, sorry for being MIA this last week, I’ve really been in a hole emotionally. I am very proud to say I made it 12 days, which is probably the longest streak I’ve had in months. I included a chart of my habits (a day without a blue circle is a relapse). I’m hoping to see the rest of November filled with all blue circles.

I’ve really struggled to get through the 10-14 day period for over a year now. This is when I really hit a wall emotionally and my depression spirals. I hardly eat, I barely do any work, I’m lazy, I’m not myself, and I’m extra tempted to relapse. Unfortunately i did relapse four days ago and then again today.
That said, I’ve had some amazing sessions with my therapist lately. We’ve really been getting into some of my core struggles, like the way I was raised and the way it shaped my self-image.

 

[TealCactus]

0/14 again today, but I’ve only relapsed three times this month, which means my overall success rate is pretty high! I’m still in just such a hole of depression, and so is my wife. We moved to a new city for work so we don't have any friends, and all of our family is far away too. We got a dog, and it helps me a lot just to have something to take care of and watch grow. Ive gained like 20 pounds in the last year since I relapsed. Last year this time I could run 13 miles in under 2 hours, now I could barely run 3 miles. I really have a negative self-image, especially if my body.
I want to return to spirituality and feel at peace in my bones and in my skin. My body feels gross because of PMO, but it shouldn’t feel like that. I should feel happy in my skin. This was kind of stream of conscious, but I’m just trying my best to stay active. Cheers everyone!

 

[TypeN]

I totally feel you man, the biggest hurdle for me is going to be learning to manage depression and anxiety without this drug. Even if our lives are clearly better without the porn, this addiction wires us so deeply to associate it with an illusion of “relief." It's tough to get free from that.

The same thing happened to me with falling out of shape (although my half-marathon time wasn’t as impressive as yours!). The nice thing about fitness though is that it may wax and wane, but the hard work you put in before will always help you get back on the saddle when you do. You can do it.

Anyhow, 12 days clean is inspiring man, keep up the good work. Now I need to get my 12 days.

 

[seano]

That's tough to have such a big life change going on for you. Like you said, your overall success rate has been comparatively high! And that's progress is something to celebrate. Keep at it and remember why you are doing this. Get this monkey off your back! It's been around for too long.
Maybe running could be a good thing to pick back up again? You got this

 

[TealCactus]

Another relapse today. I’m trying not to let it get to my head and remember my reasons for fighting this. Tomorrow will be an interesting day cus I’m taking a sick day from work (so typically a pretty big trigger to be home alone), but I’m feeling pretty confident that I can stay busy and fight off the urges. I’ll try to remember to post here when I feel an urge, I think that would help cut it off at the root, compared to just trying to distract myself.
@seano, running is something I’d love to get into again, it’s just hard to get started with depression. I think I’m ready to start with small steps though and even just go for a walk on a treadmill while listening to a podcast (shoutout for Past Gas by Donut Media if you like car history).

 

[TealCactus]

Getting back to it this new year. I’ve been doing worse than usual lately, December didn't really have any great progress over November and Ive been lying to my wife about it. I watched porn today too, which I’m disappointed in since I was amped for the new year. But I want to make January my best month yet, and I’m going to be intentional about using all my resources. I’m scheduling therapy for next week, I have a new depression journal on the way, I got a SAD lamp since I live in the Midwest and the winter makes me more depressed, I’ve got a ton of hobbies rn (coding, 3D printing, microcontrollers, RC cars), and I’m going to make a goal to work out once a week (starting small). Oh, and I want to keep posting here, duh. I notice more success when I’m on here frequently, so I really need to stick with it.

 

[TealCactus]

It’s gonna be a good day today, I’m callin it!

 

[TealCactus]

It was not a good day ( I did tell my wife when she asked if I’d watched porn today but I didn’t tell her on my own. It woulda been such a good day too, my 3d printer came and I found out we’re moving into a bigger apartment a month sooner than expected. I’ve been trying to have better self care with some apps that just make me reflect.

 

[TypeN]

It’s good to see you back Teal. We all have our slumps. I think that you’re absolutely right about posting here more consistently. I’ve been having this conversation with my therapist and a recurring theme is that sobriety is something you practice actively, not just the absence of drug use. If you can, maybe come up with a number of times per week you think you can definitely make yourself post, and try to commit to doing that? Regardless of how any one day goes, if you post, you are at least being good to yourself in that way (and by extension to your wife, and others who care about you).

Hope to see you around more mate.

 

[TealCactus]

It’s good to see you back Teal. We all have our slumps. I think that you’re absolutely right about posting here more consistently. I’ve been having this conversation with my therapist and a recurring theme is that sobriety is something you practice actively, not just the absence of drug use. If you can, maybe come up with a number of times per week you think you can definitely make yourself post, and try to commit to doing that? Regardless of how any one day goes, if you post, you are at least being good to yourself in that way (and by extension to your wife, and others who care about you).

Hope to see you around more mate.

That's a great idea, thanks for the support @TypeN ! I'm trying to develop a lot more active habits around mental health, and you're definitely spot on about that, I really needed to hear that. I think committing to at least 3 days a week will be a good place to start for now, while I also am tracking successes/relapses on a habit tracking app daily and going through a depression book daily (and therapy twice a week now, after about a month hiatus for the holidays).

 

[TypeN]

That's a great idea, thanks for the support @TypeN ! I'm trying to develop a lot more active habits around mental health, and you're definitely spot on about that, I really needed to hear that. I think committing to at least 3 days a week will be a good place to start for now, while I also am tracking successes/relapses on a habit tracking app daily and going through a depression book daily (and therapy twice a week now, after about a month hiatus for the holidays).

Awesome man, so glad to hear it. Each of those habits will definitely add up for you! And therapy in particular is a great way to work oneself out of a rut, in my experience.

Stay strong dude, will be looking out for your posts.

 

[TealCactus]

Didnt watch porn today! I’m really struggling with sleep anxiety lately. I’ve had it for years, but it’s gotten worse cus I have to get up early now, so I’m starting to get really tired in the day.

 

[TealCactus]

Didnt watch anything today! Trying to be more honest and open with my wife and develop better habits.

 

[TealCactus]

Still doin my best. Being open and honest rn and trying to get better sleep.