Moving forward!

[TypeN]

Checking in early this morning as planned.

Last night I had some powerful relapse dreams. What seemed like hours of them. It gave me what felt like the same "rush" as relapsing, but also the deep, sickly feeling of dread and hollowness.

Despite that, I slept pretty deeply for most of the night; better than on other nights recently. Which is good at least, because I've got a lot to get done today.

If I feel any powerful urges today I promise myself to come post here first. I will confront them as a test; a barrier I need to be able to cross to move forward, rather than an inevitable path to relapse.

(Edit: in fact I will schedule a specific time to come post here; 4:00 pm today).

← Today (6/09).

 

[Androg]

Let your brain throw its little hissy fits and keep chugging.

 

[TypeN]

Well, today's gone well so far. I've been doing a bunch of physical tasks, which I think has helped keep me distant from the urges.

Let your brain throw its little hissy fits and keep chugging.

Right on, that I will.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Hey TypeN. Hope you're OK!

 

[Trisquel]

Hi @TypeN , how are you doing?

 

[TypeN]

Hey guys. I am back and ready to start having some accountability again. Sorry for dropping off.

I did relapse a number of times since I last checked in, and it was a very rough period in that respect. It reminded me the hard way of everything I truly hate about this addiction. I really, really hate pornography.

However I have also been very busy, I have begun some programs for job training and they have consumed a lot of my time each week. And if I continue with the next stage of the specific one I’ve been doing, then very soon (about a month from now) I would begin a period of ~3 months in which it would consume a very large amount of my time, something like 70 hours a week … it's a very intensive program but the results in terms of job prospects and projected salary would be great if I can get myself through it.

Now I'm on my 10th day without porn. I am not focused so much on avoiding MO at the moment as I seem to be managing ok with MO this time. In this latest streak I think I have really strengthened my resolve to not consume porn, and that is the goal I will focus on first (this training I have been starting is helping me discipline my mindset … the intensive part of the program won’t be possible with a porn habit in my life, that much is clear). I will consider no-MO again once I have established more security in my abstinence from porn. But so far I have a good feeling about this streak.

Anyway, that’s all for now. I am not sure how regularly I’ll be able to check in during the next few weeks but I will make a point of stopping by whenever I can, especially to check in on everyone else. Cheers.

 

[TypeN]

Day 11 no P.

Feeling really rough today, as I have almost always lately. I've been super stressed out, in part because there is some very concerning stuff going on with my sister's well-being, and I feel responsible to help her somehow but I really don't know how. I am also still dealing very much with loneliness/isolation/depression, every day.

Just trying to keep my head on straight, keep preparing myself for these training programs, and accept that if I want things to change then I have no choice but to deal with this pain for now. It's very hard, but I'm doing it for me, and for the few people who depend on me in one way or another. Things can get better ... but not with porn use. And so use it I will not.

My latest prep class ended on Monday. I need to find a way to build some structure into the next few weeks so that I can keep my head together. Tonight I will jot out some ideas for that and some kind of schedule.

 

[Androg]

Sorry things are so rough. Good job keeping it together. Do you have any supportive friends you could connect with IRL?

Daily meditation also seems to help balance the brain. The first 2 weeks are the roughest. Hang in there!

 

[AJ7]

Happy to see you posting again @TypeN. Just wanted to recommend a teacher - Eckhart Tolle. You may have already heard of him but his book “The Power of Now” has helped me out tremendously with dealing with long term agonizing emotions.

We’re here for you brother and genuinely want to see your situation improve.
All the best.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

TypeN! So glad to see you're back here. This mustn't have been a fun time. I hope the support this forum may offer will help in the coming weeks.

What structure are you thinking about for your days now that the training is over?

And 11 days is GOOD! Keep it up

 

[TypeN]

Day 12 no P.

Thank you very much everyone, I appreciate it.

Today was rough as usual but at least I managed to be productive. I got out of the house to get work done and made progress on applying/preparing for the big program.

After that I hit the weights for the first time in maybe 5+ weeks. Almost a month ago now I deeply lacerated one of my fingers on some glass and had to get stitches. The slow healing process has kept me from lifting all this time. Despite assurances from the doctors who took care of it that it would heal fine, I’ve been very anxious.

But it’s looking like it might be alright … at least, it didn’t give me any trouble during a heavy bench session today. I’ll make an effort to be gentle and start slow.

I did also meditate like @Androg suggested, several times on Headspace.

Sorry things are so rough. Good job keeping it together. Do you have any supportive friends you could connect with IRL?

Unfortunately not. That’s a big part of what’s making things so hard. Besides my therapist I have almost no one supportive in my life right now.

I tried attending an online meeting for sex addicts, but I don’t think it’s for me … really I need more general emotional support and social connection, but I don’t have friends like that in my life anymore. That puts me in the position of needing to make new ones to have an outlet, but it’s hard for me to imagine doing that when I’m so depressed and also very busy … I’m at something of a loss about it.

Happy to see you posting again @TypeN. Just wanted to recommend a teacher - Eckhart Tolle. You may have already heard of him but his book “The Power of Now” has helped me out tremendously with dealing with long term agonizing emotions.

We’re here for you brother and genuinely want to see your situation improve.
All the best.

Much appreciated @AJ7. Will definitely check out Tolle; I’ve heard good things.

TypeN! So glad to see you're back here. This mustn't have been a fun time. I hope the support this forum may offer will help in the coming weeks.

What structure are you thinking about for your days now that the training is over?

And 11 days is GOOD! Keep it up

Thank you @the_mountain_goat. The big program is in August, and in the meantime I need to prepare and interview for it (and well, actually get accepted...). The company that runs it also hosts public workshops on zoom a couple times a week, so I’m thinking about attending those. That would also help me with the preparation.

Since it seems like my finger is on the mend I can gradually add strength training back into the mix too. And then maybe when I’m really confident the finger is OK, bouldering.

 

[Androg]

Is there a support group you could join IRL?