masterymoves
Member
Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and forums in general, but I've realised it's time to up my accountability with this. I'll start with 2 posts. This first one is my story,
I started watching porn around 14ish years old. I got really hooked into porn and eventually and eventually became a 'player' in my later teens. Until my mid 20's my mind was focused on how to get laid as much as possible. I picked up a habit of contacting escorts, a fetish not aligned with my sexuality, and a general confusion about what sexual freedom means. At one point I suffered with porn-induced E.D, and with the confusion about what I saw as a fetish, I ended up reading multiple books on the effects of porn including YBOP. This is when I started my journey of trying to reduce and stop P.M.O.
In my mid-20s I got into a serious relationship. Unfortunately, I had not overcome my habits/addictions and sexual confusion. I used escorts once or twice a year and continued to watch porn a couple of times a month. Every time I felt deep regret and shame. Many years into the happy relationship, I finally was able to pluck up the courage, to be honest with my partner and I revealed to her by choice what I had been seeing escorts. I had never revealed this to anyone. To me, I saw using escorts as just a step away from masturbating. I thought she would not be happy but things would be ok soon after. My understanding of the situation was completely deluded and unfortunately, the revelation destroyed our relationship and hurt her greatly.
This put me into a pit of guilt, despair and I started experiencing some suicidal feelings. It was a rock bottom moment where I had to ether sort get to the root of my issues or go deep into a hole of darkness. I dived into therapy, SAA, learning about sex addiction and doing deep meditation practices. These helped me get to the root of my issues and changed the way I understand sexual freedom and fulfillment.
I now understand that sexual desire for things like porn, escorts and disconnected sex is like the desire to eat junk food. We can eat more and more but the urge is never satisfied, it just makes the urge come back stronger, more powerful, and out of control. Awareness and discipline are the true keys to freedom and fulfillment over these desires.
I'm now in a strong place. I no longer have any desire to contact an escort (its been a couple years since I last did it), I have no interest in sex which is not rooted in honesty and with someone I feel a connection with. Me and my partner have been rebuilding our relationship, although things are very rocky and might not work out. I have been porn free for the last 3 weeks and I'm using mindful masturbation to retrain my mind and better understand my body. My aim is to master my sexual energy through deep understanding, discipline and re-training. The porn habit is still there but its weakening. The foundation of confusion it used to sit on has gone and now I use mindful masturbation as a healthy alternative. I'm continuing to work on weakening the porn neural-pathways and build healthier ones.
I've decided to join this blog to add an extra layer of accountability to my practice of living porn free and sexually healthy. Hopefully, I'll be able to help some of the community along the way.
I started watching porn around 14ish years old. I got really hooked into porn and eventually and eventually became a 'player' in my later teens. Until my mid 20's my mind was focused on how to get laid as much as possible. I picked up a habit of contacting escorts, a fetish not aligned with my sexuality, and a general confusion about what sexual freedom means. At one point I suffered with porn-induced E.D, and with the confusion about what I saw as a fetish, I ended up reading multiple books on the effects of porn including YBOP. This is when I started my journey of trying to reduce and stop P.M.O.
In my mid-20s I got into a serious relationship. Unfortunately, I had not overcome my habits/addictions and sexual confusion. I used escorts once or twice a year and continued to watch porn a couple of times a month. Every time I felt deep regret and shame. Many years into the happy relationship, I finally was able to pluck up the courage, to be honest with my partner and I revealed to her by choice what I had been seeing escorts. I had never revealed this to anyone. To me, I saw using escorts as just a step away from masturbating. I thought she would not be happy but things would be ok soon after. My understanding of the situation was completely deluded and unfortunately, the revelation destroyed our relationship and hurt her greatly.
This put me into a pit of guilt, despair and I started experiencing some suicidal feelings. It was a rock bottom moment where I had to ether sort get to the root of my issues or go deep into a hole of darkness. I dived into therapy, SAA, learning about sex addiction and doing deep meditation practices. These helped me get to the root of my issues and changed the way I understand sexual freedom and fulfillment.
I now understand that sexual desire for things like porn, escorts and disconnected sex is like the desire to eat junk food. We can eat more and more but the urge is never satisfied, it just makes the urge come back stronger, more powerful, and out of control. Awareness and discipline are the true keys to freedom and fulfillment over these desires.
I'm now in a strong place. I no longer have any desire to contact an escort (its been a couple years since I last did it), I have no interest in sex which is not rooted in honesty and with someone I feel a connection with. Me and my partner have been rebuilding our relationship, although things are very rocky and might not work out. I have been porn free for the last 3 weeks and I'm using mindful masturbation to retrain my mind and better understand my body. My aim is to master my sexual energy through deep understanding, discipline and re-training. The porn habit is still there but its weakening. The foundation of confusion it used to sit on has gone and now I use mindful masturbation as a healthy alternative. I'm continuing to work on weakening the porn neural-pathways and build healthier ones.
I've decided to join this blog to add an extra layer of accountability to my practice of living porn free and sexually healthy. Hopefully, I'll be able to help some of the community along the way.