I looked at P last week. I looked for about 20 minutes but I wasn't really desiring it and I ended up stopping. I haven't looked at P since that, though I did MO yesterday. I don't really know about M. I feel like I'd prefer not to at this stage but I listened in the YBOP 2015 video Gary Wilson talks about us needing to decide for ourselves on that. For the moment I'm avoiding it but it's not a major problem for me if I do. What I did try and do was focus on the sensations (also GW's suggestion) and no P fantasies. It was okay not to recollect P scenes, where I struggled is my mind still went into fantasy: imagining a sexual situation. Some of the sex acts in the fantasy, well, I'm not sure they're what I really want or just what I want now after 20+ years of heavy use.
I've been losing weight as I've improved my diet. I saw myself in the mirror and I could see I'd lost weight. But I look at myself and I see a joke. From inside out I sometimes feel like I'm real, have meaning, am serious. My seeing myself outside in and imagining how others see me I just saw a joke, a fragile and disconnected man, unreliable and untrustworthy. My path seems to accepting this as the present, but working to change it.
My morning routine is helping. It is: make my bed, greet Buddha, go to the toilet, make tea, drink tea and write, meditate, shower, breakfast (fruit and greek yoghurt).
As I sat today I thought about rebooting and its connection with upgrading. If your Windows machine hasn't been switched off in a long time and it's got a bunch of updates, maybe a major OS upgrade and some firmware and you finally reboot the machine. It takes so long to boot and it's got this black screen with "this may take a while" on it. You have no idea how long it will take. All you know is you should wait and hope the power doesn't cut out. Staring at the screen wondering is counterproductive. Get out and go for a walk, bake bread, play with the dogs.
This may take a while but there is hope.
peace