Crossing the river

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one_man_canoe

Member
PMO Reset. Alas. Twice! That makes this day 2. Will start putting my day count at the bottom rather than the top because it's a little demoralising sometimes. My plan is to not give myself a hard time about this slip, but to definitely not let it turn into a long wallow in the mud.
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Yeah you got to live and learn and work out where things went wrong and what could of been done differently. You are not alone remember and if it was easy there would be no need for communities like this.
Know that you are being cheered on.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Thanks @Chris1986 for the support.

I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you whenever you see them out in public.

I feel old at 36. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of doing what I don't want to do, and I'm tired of feeling shame afterwards. I'm so very tired of the 'this is it, this is the best thing ever' feeling before I O.

Choose life. Choose reliability. Choose a healthy life. Choose putting down the smartphone. Choose people knowing where you are and what you're doing. Choose not hiding anymore. Choose joy, and richness, choose smiling at strangers. Choose to deserve the respect of those closest to you. Choose to help build a better world. Choose to focus on the things you can do. Choose feeling good about yourself again. Choose to try again.

How do I get that mental clarity about quitting again? I want to know enough, but in the depths of P I can't know that. I always want everything, all the more. Maybe I can build clarity and drive around the word 'enough'.

Day 1.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
one_man_canoe said:
Thanks @Chris1986 for the support.

I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you whenever you see them out in public.

I feel old at 36. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of doing what I don't want to do, and I'm tired of feeling shame afterwards. I'm so very tired of the 'this is it, this is the best thing ever' feeling before I O.

Choose life. Choose reliability. Choose a healthy life. Choose putting down the smartphone. Choose people knowing where you are and what you're doing. Choose not hiding anymore. Choose joy, and richness, choose smiling at strangers. Choose to deserve the respect of those closest to you. Choose to help build a better world. Choose to focus on the things you can do. Choose feeling good about yourself again. Choose to try again.

How do I get that mental clarity about quitting again? I want to know enough, but in the depths of P I can't know that. I always want everything, all the more. Maybe I can build clarity and drive around the word 'enough'.

Day 1.
Click to expand...
I wish it was easier but clarity only settled for me after 5 months.
And it is a bomb of a difference.
Totally night and day difference in outlook and opinion.

Addiction is dependency.
You are forever at the mercy of depending on others for everything. You lie to yourself (unintentionally) to get whatever you want. You trust others to help you.

With enough clean days (months) you lose dependency and start seeing according to needs. You trust your own judgements now.
You can see past BS immediately. What is necessary and important is immediately clear. There is little doubt. You do whatever is needed.

Invest this time to remain clean. You will truly be walking out of the cloud of delusion after reboot. PMO is the largest lie of the human race.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Hi @Chris1986. Thanks for asking. Where did all the months go?

I was unsure whether to start a new journal or continue this one but I'll continue this one.

Not much to say really. I started a new job in late January which is going well. I've been acting out here and there with not much sobriety time. Was quite demoralised at the start of this week acting out with poppers too. Really gutter behaviour, really showed me (once again) I need to change.

I need better tools, but I also need a big picture view. Need some dedication too. And to get outside of myself. Signed up to the app Fortify, and coming back here, two changes I've made since my acting out at the start of the week.

How are you?
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi I been away from the forum for a while myself but due to being in a period of stress Feel I need the forum back in my life again.

Glad the job is going well. Being happier in work is a big help.

We can all change just got to remember to practice self compassion and keep picking ourselves back up.

Fortify is very useful. Has some great lessons/deep dives on there.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Good to hear from you @Chris1986

I was writing a gratitude list just now and I wrote underneath: It's Never Too Late. I think I used to hope that, but now I believe it.

We start when we start and when we stop we start again when we start again. It's a big life, a big world, just got to get out of the pool and dry off. Pools are fun but no place to live.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
I haven't been counting days, but it's coming up to a week away from P. I'm doing couch to 5k at the moment and was briefly imagining myself running a marathon (or half, or 10km) in a years time. And at the same time I thought to imagine myself if I had distance from P and unhealthy sexual outlets, also. It's hard to imagine a clean break from all this stuff, like there's just too much that I an entangled in. Still, at some point in the future a year or two or five, it is possible I would be done with this stuff. I need to work towards that. Not for today or even tomorrow, but for 5 years away, for 10 years away, for my self on his deathbed.

It appears part of this work is coming back to reality and getting grounded. That's a practice I'm building into my morning routine.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Androg said:
One day at a time.
Click to expand...

A fellow traveler on this path was on a podcast recently talking about P*rn addiction. There was a psychologist specialising in this field talking and they dispelled a lot of shame around it, made it a mundane thing: some people get addicted to this. As the iChing says: no blame.

I know I can't make a decision to stay away from it for the rest of my life. I've tried that many times and it hasn't stuck. But it's true, Androg, that I can make a decision in the here and now.

I can also recognise that there are triggers that set off parts of my brain and make it harder. I can try to avoid these and consciously arrange life to minimise them.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Androg said:
It's definitely a challenge.

I keep asking everyone if they've tried this free approach. I was just reminded of it recently...and over many years I've heard guys say it really helped them quit for good. If you try it, let me know. https://easypeasymethod.org/
Click to expand...

I think there's a lot to be learnt from applying insight from other addictions to this one. I gave up nicotine a few years ago and I've had slips here and there but I don't beat myself up about it. I didn't go to 12 steps for it. I did call a support line once and use patches and gum. I used some of the techniques from Alan Carr's book that easypeasy is based on: like telling myself I'm not a smoker anymore and avoiding the next cigarette.
 
EarthWalker

EarthWalker

Respected Member
Yeah, I think what makes P addiction so hard is that is has the qualities of multiple different drugs. I think P addiction, has the qualities of both being a stimulant, a depressant and a little bit of an opiat. I think this is what makes it next level hard to deal with. Next level challenge for next level personal self-development. Onwards and upwards.

Psychoactive drugs alter the way a person thinks, acts, and feels. They often fit into one or more categories, including stimulants, depressants, opiates, and hallucinogens.

  • Stimulants may cause someone to feel a sense of euphoria, excitement, or increased energy.
  • Depressants can make people feel sleepy, relaxed, or calm.
  • Opiates can cause euphoria and have a tranquilizing effect.
  • Hallucinogens can alter a person’s senses and cause them to see or hear things that are not there.
Different drugs have varying risks, but some are common among psychoactive drugs. Some of these risks include heart issues, addiction, worsening symptoms of mental illness, and death.
Click to expand...
 
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