Crossing the river

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one_man_canoe

Member
PMO Reset. Alas. Twice! That makes this day 2. Will start putting my day count at the bottom rather than the top because it's a little demoralising sometimes. My plan is to not give myself a hard time about this slip, but to definitely not let it turn into a long wallow in the mud.
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Yeah you got to live and learn and work out where things went wrong and what could of been done differently. You are not alone remember and if it was easy there would be no need for communities like this.
Know that you are being cheered on.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Thanks @Chris1986 for the support.

I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you whenever you see them out in public.

I feel old at 36. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of doing what I don't want to do, and I'm tired of feeling shame afterwards. I'm so very tired of the 'this is it, this is the best thing ever' feeling before I O.

Choose life. Choose reliability. Choose a healthy life. Choose putting down the smartphone. Choose people knowing where you are and what you're doing. Choose not hiding anymore. Choose joy, and richness, choose smiling at strangers. Choose to deserve the respect of those closest to you. Choose to help build a better world. Choose to focus on the things you can do. Choose feeling good about yourself again. Choose to try again.

How do I get that mental clarity about quitting again? I want to know enough, but in the depths of P I can't know that. I always want everything, all the more. Maybe I can build clarity and drive around the word 'enough'.

Day 1.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
one_man_canoe said:
Thanks @Chris1986 for the support.

I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you whenever you see them out in public.

I feel old at 36. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of doing what I don't want to do, and I'm tired of feeling shame afterwards. I'm so very tired of the 'this is it, this is the best thing ever' feeling before I O.

Choose life. Choose reliability. Choose a healthy life. Choose putting down the smartphone. Choose people knowing where you are and what you're doing. Choose not hiding anymore. Choose joy, and richness, choose smiling at strangers. Choose to deserve the respect of those closest to you. Choose to help build a better world. Choose to focus on the things you can do. Choose feeling good about yourself again. Choose to try again.

How do I get that mental clarity about quitting again? I want to know enough, but in the depths of P I can't know that. I always want everything, all the more. Maybe I can build clarity and drive around the word 'enough'.

Day 1.
Click to expand...
I wish it was easier but clarity only settled for me after 5 months.
And it is a bomb of a difference.
Totally night and day difference in outlook and opinion.

Addiction is dependency.
You are forever at the mercy of depending on others for everything. You lie to yourself (unintentionally) to get whatever you want. You trust others to help you.

With enough clean days (months) you lose dependency and start seeing according to needs. You trust your own judgements now.
You can see past BS immediately. What is necessary and important is immediately clear. There is little doubt. You do whatever is needed.

Invest this time to remain clean. You will truly be walking out of the cloud of delusion after reboot. PMO is the largest lie of the human race.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Hi @Chris1986. Thanks for asking. Where did all the months go?

I was unsure whether to start a new journal or continue this one but I'll continue this one.

Not much to say really. I started a new job in late January which is going well. I've been acting out here and there with not much sobriety time. Was quite demoralised at the start of this week acting out with poppers too. Really gutter behaviour, really showed me (once again) I need to change.

I need better tools, but I also need a big picture view. Need some dedication too. And to get outside of myself. Signed up to the app Fortify, and coming back here, two changes I've made since my acting out at the start of the week.

How are you?
 
Chris1986

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi I been away from the forum for a while myself but due to being in a period of stress Feel I need the forum back in my life again.

Glad the job is going well. Being happier in work is a big help.

We can all change just got to remember to practice self compassion and keep picking ourselves back up.

Fortify is very useful. Has some great lessons/deep dives on there.
 
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one_man_canoe

Member
Good to hear from you @Chris1986

I was writing a gratitude list just now and I wrote underneath: It's Never Too Late. I think I used to hope that, but now I believe it.

We start when we start and when we stop we start again when we start again. It's a big life, a big world, just got to get out of the pool and dry off. Pools are fun but no place to live.
 
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