Times a' Changing

[ksempai]

Apologies in advance, as this will be a long post. But being my first, I want to put everything down for my own benefit. So please, bear with me. Congratulations if you read it all!!

I've considered this journey for quite sometime now. Debating with myself for the past 4 or so years on whether I should give up PMO or not. This is not the first time I've tried. I've deleted my porn folder at least twice before, have installed countless web blockers only to remove them after sometime, and I've also been to seen a psychologist about it. Every time I've gotten so far and then relapsed back into long monthly cycles of daily PMO sessions, rationalising to myself that watching porn is ok and only natural. Even the psych told me this, and discounted the idea of it being an addiction (in hindsight, that was probably one of the worst things for me to hear and a huge waste of money). I'm now, much more enlightened as to what's been going on, and boy is this going to be a long journey when I look at my history. My wake up call was basically when I began to get DE during sex, however I persisted, thinking not too much of it, until I then could not get it up at all.  So now I'm in with a new head. Committed to the cause. Don't expect it to be easy, it hasn't already. Ready to prove to myself I can conqueur it and I can win against my own brain by using it against itself.

The Beginnings
I first discovered porn when I was a out 9 or 10. I found some erotic pirate fantasy comics my dad had on a floppy disk on the computer. I couldn't get enough of these. I'd try get on the computer without anyone knowing and just look at these. I never wanked to them though. Once I'd discovered the female body though I was hooked! It became my sole intention around every minute of the day. I'd scour through the TV guide, searching for which programs had an N (nudity) and S(sex scenes) next to them. I'd then plot away at how I'd be able to watch these. This carried on until I was about 11 at which time my cousin introduced me to internet porn. Then things began and really took off.

My use exponentially grew all the way through my teens. So much that it became my comfort thing. I never ended up actually dating any girls through high school (despite numerous showing ridiculous amounts of interest), my default behaviour became to go home and find some porn to wack off to and fantasize about the girl instead of actually chasing her down and asking her out and spending time with her outside of school. Not ever having a girlfriend though, and falling behind in the sexual activity "race" really began to play on my mind, but again instead of pursuing each of these girls I'd resort to porn even more. Even when I decided enough was enough and called up a girl, I felt so awkward about it all and uncomfortable, I then went to porn afterwards, and all I could think about were the porn activities when on a date, ultimately not being the smoothest of dates.

I began working part time jobs, started at university, met all these gorgeous girls through these. Would set up little dates with them, pre-frame myself prior to the dates with a little porn session, fantasizing about how the date would end up, me banging these hotties, being the greatest sex god ever. Well of course I could never play this out in real life! Dates would go great initially, but as soon as it got to getting close and taking the next step, I didn't know how jump to these porn scenes all of a sudden. Real girls weren't as easy as the porn star teens I'd been "learning" from.

Anyway to sum it up, I had become incapable of starting a proper relationship because all I wanted was the porn style sex and but couldn't piece together the steps required in between to get to that. So I continued with my porn relationship. Slowly turning away from my social life and involvement. Week by week, month by month, year by year I gradually became more of a hermit and declining offers to go do things with others, would rock up late to appointments, etc etc., all because I needed to find that perfect fix. I then progressed to camming and becoming infactuated with cam girls because they were "real people". Joining dating/sex sites. Eventually meeting up with people from them for flings, however there was absolutely no emotional connection, and I've come to realise, emotional connection is paramount to good sex.

Now
So I've ended up here, ready to overhaul my wiring once and for all and reboot myself. I have no other option the way I see it. I began 10 days ago on the 31/3/14 and going well. I've been swinging up and down. One day is super easy, then the next, I'm struggling to get my day going and even when I do my head is pounding with plea's to just go have a bat! It infiltrates it's way into whatever I'm doing.

I'm going to go all the way to the end though. I have no idea how long this will be, and I'm sure with my history and early age, it's going to be a while. And an eventful journey only makes for a better destination with memories and stories to tell and reminisce on. My end goal is to create a proper, functioning relationship with someone I actually care about and having better sex.

My Occupying Activities so far....
Teaching more kickboxing classes
Going to the gym more
Running
Retaking up the piano
Post on Reboot Nation
Read about rebooting
Reading in general
Meditation
Practice Karate
Marketing for my business

Well that'll be all for now. I better get to bed so I can wake up and make a start on day 11 to near ever closer to that 2 weeks milestone.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ ksempai

My wake up call was basically when I began to get DE during sex, however I persisted, thinking not too much of it, until I then could not get it up at all.

Can relate to this so much, many others can as well. You are not alone. It is crazy how it takes getting to the point of total erectile dysfunction to realize the negative impact porn is having on us. I always took pride in knowing tons of things about sex and being "freaky". Now looking back I was just becoming desensitized and re-wired to need unnatural things to be able to get off. Thankful you realized the harm porn can cause.

Week by week, month by month, year by year I gradually became more of a hermit and declining offers to go do things with others

Can relate to this too. Growing up I was very outgoing and social, but over the years, specifically later in college, I became more and more numbed to the pleasures of life and stayed at home alone to play video games and watch porn. I declined many fun opportunities to hang with people I loved because sitting in my room in virtual land gave me more dopamine. Sad stuff.

The good news is after giving up porn and cutting back on video games I now find pleasure in the littlest of things in life. My desire to be social and get out and love life is sky high. I hope the reboot does the same for you and I believe it will.

I began 10 days ago on the 31/3/14 and going well. I've been swinging up and down. One day is super easy, then the next, I'm struggling to get my day going

Congrats on 10 days! Keep truckin. Understand that rebooting is typically not linear, good days are regularly followed by not so good days, followed by days you feel like dying. This is a normal part of rebooting and it tends to level out as time passes. Have hope that many guys have been down the road you are on now and came out the other side better men and more full of joy than they ever thought possible. I am one of them. You can be too.

I'm going to go all the way to the end though.

Keep that attitude and mindset and you will. Just know that this might be the hardest process you ever do in life. But it will be more than worth it.

I hope the best for you. Welcome to the Nation

 

[ksempai]

Thanks Gabe. You truly are an inspirational guy, and if you and many others have been able to do it, then I sure know I can get through it.
As insane as it may sound, I'm kind of looking forward to the whole process. I know it will probably be the toughest thing I ever do, but I love a challenge and pushing myself right to my limits. That's when you truly get to know yourself!

Today
Today was good. I was able to keep a pretty clear head, and had minimal to no thoughts regarding going using porn or having a bat. That's good for a Thursday too as it's my day off and so can quite often get bored. Still not sure on what the go is with an old (lady) friend and why she's so keen to move out with me. I'll go into detail regarding the situation another time, but whatever happens, I'm in reboot stage at the moment so not going to be getting to far if anything happens anyway. I think I'm beginning to enter a flatline stage though. Not so much as even a murmur from Sgt. Willy today, and I know I should be attracted to this girl, she's an attractive girl but I'm really not feeling any drive to go pursue anything with her. Whether that's because of previous history, who knows, but I'll put it down to the beginnings of flatlining right now.

Daily Activities

• Tidied and cleaned up my room, ready to move out and for rent inspection
• Played piano
• Shifted things out of the house
• Viewed a couple new places to rent, all pretty average
• Received my grading results at karate, finally achieved 3rd Kyu

Things to be grateful for

• Received my brown belt
• Finally moving out from my current housemate

 

[ksempai]

Feel I'm working overtime right now to hold myself back. I thought I'd start watching DaVinci's Demon's last night as it's been on my harddrive for a while and I've been meaning to get into it, but then half way through.. BANG... full on sex scene! I sat through it trying not to pay too much attention to it and looking away. Thought I was pretty ok. But upon waking this morning, the few glimpses I'd got kept flashing in my head. I've gone through most of the day fine, but just now, it's Saturday arvo, not too much to do at the moment, home alone. I'd have usually gone and started PM'ing by now before beginning, which would draw on into the evening, and end up organising Saturday night plans super late. I'm holding out today though and going to make it. Is just super hard. I almost feel sick fighting my head right now. Completely immobile almost, like my head can't function and think about anything else. I tried sitting down playing piano for an hour or so. Was good, but can only play for so long and I get frustrated because I can't play as smoothly as I used to. The TV areal isn't working so I can't even watch the footy, and it's super duper hot, and so really not feeling a run or exercise right now.
Anyway, just needed to vent. I will make it through the day. I committed to myself that I'm going all the way so not stopping now. 13 days already feels like a lifetime and if I'm going to sit through another 13 days, I'm going to be 26 days clean and not 13 for the second time around.

 

[ksempai]

Today was a good day. It began with very little plans or pre-organised activities, however ended up being quite productive.
I woke up to some slight wood, I'd put it at under 50%. The temptations were there, however I was feeling pretty strong minded and willed following a decent sleep, and got myself into a cold shower and kicked into my daily routine. I'm staying at my mum's for the moment so I cooked up some brekky for us both. I get on very well with my mum and we always end up having these very deep, long philosophical chats, generally regarding our observations on the world and society and on various articles or study's we've recently read or heard about. I find them to be very thought provoking and motivating.
Anyway I ended up catching up with a friend and throwing the baseball. I haven't done that in years!! Checked out a new car (didn't end up being great), then enjoying a pub meal and playing some FIFA with a couple of the boys. All up was a very enjoyable Sunday.

Over the past few days, I've been having difficulty dealing with a common occurance. Funnily enough, the two most prominent situations (although not the only times) have been with my sister's ex-husband and her now current boyfriend (separate occasions). I've noticed that the conversation topic becomes very much about sexualisation of women. Whether it be an 'attractive' girl walking past and making comment about her, or digging into my previous sexual encounters and various acts I've made with girls. It just makes it difficult to keep my head clear and free from fantasizing about girls, and is a difficult topic of conversation to work your way around. I suppose it's just not really where I want to be or go and honestly have never really found much interest in discussing these issues. I prefer to have an intellectual and mentally stimulating conversation as it's much more interesting and enjoyable to me. I've just forever been surrounded by talk about sex from an early age. It's never really occurred to me before until now since I've begun removing myself from it. It's become so prominent and almost blinding to me.

 

[ksempai]

Wow! Today was an awesome day. There's no better feeling than having a completely jam-packed busy day. I don't mean so busy that you're stressed to the eyeballs and can't keep on top of everything, but when you create a plan for a day and everything just happens. You finish one thing and move straight onto the next. I totally forgot what it's like to be like this and can feel myself returning to my old go-get-it self. It's really motivating and creates such good internal drive! I nice to see a glimpse of what I know I can achieve and who I know I can be.

No doubt, I've still got a long way to go and know that things will get harder as I progress. I think that's one of the hardest things of recovering from mental problems. It can become easy to think and believe that everything is fixed and you're fine, yet that's when you let your guard down. I suppose it's like when sparring, you never underestimate an opponent or drop your guard until the bell goes. It's funny how relevant martial arts philosophy is to life situations.

In synopsis, I had a number of small wins and successes today and felt as though I achieved what I set out to do. As for PMO and downstairs. Had a slight stirring down there this morning, but moved past it pretty well. Find that my brain is constantly trying to seek out and find any sexualisation of women it can, whether it be billboards, shopping advertisements, the girl walking down the street, anything. It's just fighting to try and give it it's little fix I've been depriving it from lately. It's getting easier to push this aside though, particularly when I've got a busy day and people with me.

Over and out, until tomorrow. Keeping the ball rolling.

 

[ksempai]

Feeling the struggle right now!! This one of the hardest times I've had yet! The past couple days have been amazing. I've been super productive and motivated. Today I started out well also, but just got home from spending the morning out and the noise coming from my brain telling me to have a bat is insane!!! Even though the past few days have been great, they've had their temptations and triggers presenting to me just through everyday life situations, and boy can I feel the back lash of ignoring them and keeping my mind busy now that I've got a second of down time finally.
Unfortunately this situation has arisen due to a slip in planning my day out. I forgot to pack a towel for the gym and so had to come back home, and in terms of time management it's better to go the gym later on now and do a few business duties at home which I'd originally planned to complete later in the day. It's just near impossible to think straight and stay focused on them right now.

I know one of the big triggers is a recent flair up of interest in an old flame. Man is it bringing back some strong memories. The one thing that's keeping me on track however is to keep telling myself that sticking to this program will only improve things between us in terms of creating a sustainable relationship.
I don't know if I'm just super horny, or if it's more the craving to fulfill my dopamine hit via on-screen stimulation. I mean I haven't been getting overly solid morning woods yet, they're still sitting at around 70% at max. Every morning as I'm waking up my mind wanders to encounters with previous girls, or even fantasies of future girls. It used to be tough to manage these, but I'm beginning to find it easier to just be in the moment and accept them whilst they're occurring and to then move on from them once I wake up properly.

Judging by all these feelings though, I think I'm a way from flatlining. I'm kind of looking forward to the flatline so I can then try to forget about a heap of girls and refocus my attention towards work and other areas of my life. I think managing cravings to looking at porn now is quite easy, but the MO desires are hard. However I know that as soon as I was to begin with that, I would immediately turn towards fantasizing about encounters, and I've committed to desensitizing my brain from all types of sexual stimulation during my reboot.

Well I'm going to fill out some forms I need to and then head to the gym and pump those shoulders. Love working my shoulders!

 

[ksempai]

What a whirl wind day yesterday was. I don't think I've been that moody in a long time! It started out well. I took a kickboxing class and was buzzing with energy, then had our weekly business meeting which always leaves me feeling good, was a little weird though being on a Wednesday instead of a Friday but hey Easter throws everything out. Then my day began to take a turn, I was meant to go straight to the gym, but forgot my towel as previously explained so ended up home. Left me feeling frustrated.
In the end I didn't end up making it to the gym as filling out the paper work and getting together all my ID and documentation for a couple of rental applications took way longer than expected. I was then only able to get one application in as I was out of time. I became angry and even more frustrated at this. Thankfully I then had my own karate class to attend so I managed to get some physical activity in finally and walked out of there feeling in a good place.
Finally I finished up the day with my social soccer game. We won the game in the last minute. The first game we've ever won (me and my friends do not have the slightest touch of talent when it comes to soccer, but love to get out there and kick the ball around, just having a bit of fun and a laugh). Anyway, all my mates were stoked (rightly so), but I just kind of felt emotionless about it all. I even began to get pissed off with them being so happy. I did my best to share the joy and not be the downer, but I left feeling really depressed and angry with them. I don't know. I felt like a woman on PMS. None of it added up. I should've been pumped and over the moon, but was completely the opposite. I came home and went straight to bed.

Feeling better this morning, but still feeling a little flat and emotionless. And reflecting on yesterday's comment about being a way from flatlining, I think I was way off the mark. I think that was the beginning, my head was just so all up in the air I didn't know left from right.

Well got a couple things to do today. Hand in a couple more rental applications, try and book a check for this new car I want to buy, get to the gym and buy some booze before the long weekend for my mates bday.

I'll see if I can get back tonight to reflect on how today finished up.

 

[ksempai]

Just wanted to jot down a pretty big realisation I had about myself earlier. I was driving along and saw a girl walking along the street. Quite an 'attractive' looking girl. However I immediately found myself imagining the things I could do to her in the bedroom. I stopped myself and rediverted my attention back to thinking about the house I'd just looked at, but then began to reflect on what had just happened. I began to think about my perception of 'attractive', and it finally clicked as to what I've heard mentioned throughout all these forums and information about wiring and training our brain from such an early age through porn. My supposed idea of 'attractive' is so fixed on what I've grown up looking at on screen and so I now seek for a girl who looks like that that will 'perform' those acts with me. I think this is partly just our culture and society anyway and is half the battle of rebooting, and why it can also take such a prolonged period of time to reboot for the younger generations.

It was just a light bulb moment within my self. I suppose it was one of those things, where you hear about something and you just kind of nod your head and accept it. I mean I've kind of known that that has partly been my problem and it has been my eventual goal to be able to see women in a different light, but that's probably the clearest I've actually seen it in myself and realised it.

It's a good self realisation. It means I'm making progress and my mind is beginning to diversify itself and change it's paths from what was so ingrained into it. If I can continue to reflect on this idea and personally deep enlightenment I know it will make things easier and play a major role in rewiring my brain.

I'll try get back on later to update on how the rest of my day panned out. Has been a smooth day so far.

 

[ksempai]

Annnnd it's finally the long Easter weekend. Yewyewwyewww!! What a good week it's been too. I feel like I'm finally progressing moving closer in my life to where I want to be. I don't know if I can put it all down to this rebooting process, as there's been a lot of other big milestones and changes happening in my life, but it's definitely played a substantial role in it all and has allowed me to direct my focus and attention towards these other changes. I definitely won't be turning back anytime soon, I'm liking where I'm going and the path I'm on.There's always speed bumps or potholes along the way, but so long as you've got the correct handling skills and adequate repair tools in the trunk you can go as far as you like.

Today finished really well. I finally  made the gym and changed up my workout a little, added in a few new exercises I haven't tried before and really enjoyed them and they made me work hard and squeeze the last little bit out of myself. Karate was great as always, but had a particularly good vibe down there tonight. Everyone hooked in really well and learnt some new techniques and weapon skills, things just seemed to sink in for everyone, even the white belts smashed it!! it's funny how bright everyone becomes when there's an extra long weekend on the horizon.

I think I am moving into that flatline stage. More so just that I'm feeling happy to carry on with what ever I'm doing and not really feeling any desire to chase down a girl or to be with one. I'm more so interested in just having the company of people around me at the moment.

Overall I'm enjoying this life without porn though. I can dismiss the thought of looking at porn quite easily now, and it doesn't even really occur to me anymore. The thought of it now just seems to be bothersome and time consuming. The struggles will still be with MO, that's a harder urge to resist, but the cold showers are taking care of that whilst in the shower, and so long as I don't lie around in bed too long in the morning I can move on from it quite easily.

Don't know if I'll get back on over the weekend, got a pretty busy and jam-packed few days ahead of me. By that stage I'll be nearing onto 3 weeks. Exciting times. Just keep ticking it off week-by-week. It's disastrous to become too focused on the finish line, it's stops you from being able to enjoy the current moment and make the most of it. That's a great lesson I learnt from listening to Paul Rambali's (author of Barefoot Runner) TEDx talk, and has allowed me to achieve and succeed in numerous things since applying it to my life.

Done and done for now.

 

[tk8888]

Hey man,

It looks like you keep yourself fairly busy with hobbies, work, etc. I like your approach with the reboot and really using this opportunity to work on other things as well. I am trying to do the same.

Out of curiosity, what is your sexual past like? Just curious as you mentioned shying away from intimacy even when you have the "girl in the bag"

 

[ksempai]

Hi tk,

Thanks. I try to keep myself busy, and is one of my major goals. I've always been a pretty active, out-going person and had heaps of things on my 'list of things to do', but I always began to push them aside and didn't have time for them because I began to spend all the spare hours of my day sitting in front of the computer watching porn. Now that I'm not doing that, I've got so much spare time to dedicate towards all the other things that have been building up.

As for my sexual history. I've never had a fully fledged girlfriend as such. I couldn't tell you how many girls I've taken on dates though, but have never been able to carry it on through to sleeping with any of them. I've got on really well with heaps of them, but as I mentioned in your journal, I seem to 'self-sabotage' myself as we get closer. The closer we get the more I pull away. I'm aware that this is more than just a simple porn problem and is more likely to be linked to a sub-conscious fear/discomfort regarding relationships. But that is not why I'm here, and is something else I've seeked out previous advice on and am aware of.

However, porn has been a big problem and contributor and basically created a wall around the heart and soul of my relationships. It became my default to turn to in times of discomfort and stress from my early teens, particularly when caused by relationships and has not allowed me to develop my emotional growth to the point I feel it should be at.

Despite all this, I have gone the distance with 3 girls. The first girl was a one nighter that got interrupted by my dad so kind of put a sour end to it (I'm sure this probably has some deep sub-conscious connection to it all as well). Then the other girls have been casual sex buddies who I actually met through facebook. Just friends of friends and started chatting on line, it turned sexual pretty quickly and then ended up meeting up (both girls were separate occurrences). This went on for a while with both, but there was nothing deeper than just meeting up for sex each time. I've only been able to orgasm with one of them a couple of times and that was through heavy fantasizing. I ended things with the latest girl a couple months ago now, and upon googling various things I came to discover that I had PIED and also came to the realisation that watching porn had rippled far out into my life in various other ways and held me back in so many areas. At which point I decided to turn a new leaf over and go reach these successes that I've never quite been able to achieve.

No body is perfect, and everyone has their own issues and past to deal with. That's partly what life is. Pushing yourself and challenging yourself to make yourself better. You can't change where you came from or what you went through, but there's a heck of a lot of evidence out there that you can control your future and what you do with it. It just may not be a walk in the park, but you have total control over your brain and what you do with it, and just because it likes to take the easy, comfortable path, doesn't mean it's the only and/or best path. I hold myself to a high standard, and have great aspirations for where I want get to and the type of person I see myself as.

Sorry to blabber. When I get on a roll, it's hard for me to stop sometimes...

Thanks for the acknowledgment and taking the time to look at my journal. Hope things are going well for you.

 

[ksempai]

Just checking in post long weekend. My moodiness seems to have decreased for the time being, touch wood. Have had a couple of urges where I've really been wanting to masturbate, and my head has been putting forward some very convincing arguments and feelings. Have managed to push through without anything though.

I did have one weak moment where I decided to have a look at an old dating site I'd been on "just to see if any girls had been interested in me". As soon as I got on I realised how much of a bad idea it was and immediately closed the page. I still find it amazing how much my mind searches and hunts for some kind of sexual stimulation. and how much it perks up when something presents itself, be it on a tv program, or advertisements.

Time to kick start my day. Chug on through this week and work towards a month. I feel so far into it, yet I know I've got so much longer to go.

 

[ksempai]

Had a breakthrough today! Discovered that the sensitivity downstairs in recovering. While having a shower and washing my knob, the sensation and tingles from feeling the water splash on the head made me feel like I was a little boy again. I clearly remember when I made the switch from having a bath to having a shower when I was a little and the stimulation being like nothing I'd ever felt before and almost unbearable. You become used to it and continue on, but after today I reaise now that the sensitivity of my fella had become so diminished beyond becoming used to it.

I saw it as a great sign of progress today.  I also just realised from my counter that I'm a quarter of the way to my initial goal. Yew!

Another great progress I felt was while I was waking up, thoughts of a previous girl, not quite girlfriend (ultimately should have been, but that's another story) entered my mind and I managed to obtain a pretty decent boner. Not quite the full bone but better than I've obtained in a long time from thoughts purely of a real girl in my life and that's it.

It's great to feel some true and proper natural attraction and horniness returning.

Feeling some good progress right at the moment. I don't even really see porn as an option anymore. MO is a separate battle when it arises, but  I'm becoming stronger in my mind as each day passes. It's exactly what I was hoping for.

 

[tk8888]

Glad you are starting to see progress! That's always uplifting and motivating.

Just remember that those urges to watch porn, even though they are gone for now, may pop up from time to time moving forward so stay vigilant. Also remember that this reboot is a roller coaster in terms of progress and emotions. Stay strong and have a great weekend man!

 

[ksempai]

Thanks for the comments tk. Things have definitely been up and down, there's no doubt about that.

The weekend has been good. You can't really complain about 2 long weekends in a row! I've been faced with a whole new set of battles and dilemma's now though. I finally shifted into a new place which is great, and do not have internet access for at least 2 weeks, which sucks, but on the positive, it completely nullifies any chance of PMO relapse for the next 2 weeks.

My latest challenge however is my housemate. It's a chick. We've been friends for a while. I made moves on her way back but she kind of resisted, and nothing ever eventuated. However, I've still believed she's had some degree of interest in me, and since moving in with each other I'm seeing it even more now. I can foresee us sleeping together in the not to distant future, but that's where my new dilemma arises.

This is easily my biggest challenge I've faced yet! Upon undertaking this journey I set out one of my rules as no PMO for the first 3 months including any sexual relations with girls. Now though it's become a battle to not make a move on this girl despite my natural instincts. I can feel myself weakening to the idea of having sex again, however I'm still 2 months off my initial goal.

The only thing keeping myself going for now is thinking back to all the articles I've read through and previous peoples experiences saying that the most effective reboots have been from complete abstinence from P, M, and O.

Just another hurdle to jump and conquer.

 

[ksempai]

Has been a while since I've checked in. In general things have continued on the up. Definitely feeling some great progress being made and have been really achieving a lot in my days. I'm feeling like so many more opportunities are presenting themself nowadays and I've been able to make the most of them.

Still have the down and difficult days on occasion. that's just part of life anyway though. It can't all always be good, or you wouldn't enjoy the goodas much. For the time being though, with my brain rewiring, things definitely become tougher and become more easily depressed in the sense of feeling really flat. Today was like that. I'll put it down to a culmination of a couple of things though. Firstly, I've pushed myself pretty hard at the gym and kickboxing classes this past week and my body's now finally needing a rest and recovery, particularly after last night. Had a cracker 1 hour session of heavy bag work which left me broken by the end. Secondly, had my daily routine thrown out this morning with having to get my car stereo fixed up and I missed my breakfast and morning routines. And thirdly, was the first miserable, dreary, rainy day whist being grossly muggy at the same time.

Hankering for a good nights sleep now though and to wake up fresh and ready for tomorrow.

As for downstairs. Getting the occasional morning wood. Not quite full strength yet, but close to. Managing to control any urges for MO quite well now, and the odd P-induced thought crosses my mind due to daily societal triggers, but managing them well and keeping on top of it all. Can't believe I'm almost halfway through my second month now. This month is going much quicker than the first which is a good sign. Means I'm not focusing my energy on avoiding PMO as much and I'm beginning to retrain my brain and routines.

Powering on. Until next time.

 

[ksempai]

Well it's been some time since I've been on the internet now apart from the odd occasion when I've been visiting my mum's place and I've really made the most of it.

I've been more motivated than ever! Got a really solid routine happening now and upped my own training to 5-6 days a week with karate and fitness. It has really given me more energy when I'm teaching and really improved the standard of the  classes, and is rippling through into my students. Been really pumped about it all!!

In terms of PMO, my rewiring progress has definitely been slowed though. My biggest challenge at the moment is television series. It's a challenge because my housemate and I have a couple of shows we watch together and have always talked about since before I began my reboot. It just so happens that the majority of these are littered with sex scenes. Yes, one of these shows is GOT. My problem is I don't really feel like I can just stop watching these shows all of a sudden as I will appear some form of social recluse and weird guy who just resides in his bedroom, and I don't want to explain my whole reboot to her.

I just generally tend to divert my eyes when the scenes arise. I know it's hindering my progress, but I feel I don't have many other options.

I've been left craving a sexual connection with someone, which is good as I've begun to reach out to girls again. But I can feel my old tendencies wanting to kick in and find the "easy" option through the internet.

I just keep repeating and asserting "NO!!" nice and loudly in my head.

 

[tk8888]

Freaking love Game of Thrones! Did you see the most recent one? I believe Peter Dinklage (Tyrion) deserves a freaking emmy. It does have it's fair share of nudity, sex, drugs, etc.

I'm glad you had a good time on the trip. Those trips away from the computer and current environment definitely help with this reboot. They give you date goals to look forward to!

I'm glad that you are staying strong man!

 

[ksempai]

Wow! I never realised how much of a trigger just having the internet is! The past 48 hours since finally getting the internet activated at my house has been a rollercoaster. Things were good when I had no internet and an old run down computer. By far the toughest hurdle yet.

It's been a funny realisation. Throughout the years, I've wired my brain to porn through so many avenues and thus created so many triggers. Reflecting back on this current situation, previously whenever I formed a new environment I always had in the back of my mind "can't wait to christen this new laptop/bedroom/phone/faster internet/etc. with a big P session". Looking at the science, that was enough to give me a nice dopamine hit. It was a variety, some new way of looking at porn.

Anyway, I've made well so far. Had a few cracks show through. Jumped on an old dating site, just to see how many hits I've had in this time away. I managed to shut it down pretty quick once getting on there, but that being after I'd already partly satisfied that "dopamine hit" urge.

I also reset my tinder account which had somehow glitched itself and hadn't been working properly for sometime. Anyway jumped on there again and spun up quite a few matches. Was great for the self esteem, but boy that then set off a whole lot of triggers! It took me sometime to recollect and regather my thoughts to just stop everything and go to bed.

Anyway new day, new week, and powering forwards. Not going to break my goal of 90 days. Already half way so hell if I'm going to break it now!

And yes tk on the note of GOT. Peter Dinklage is the man. Freaking love that guy! Can't wait for tonight's episode.