Times a' Changing

[ksempai]

Man things are just not letting up at the moment. Been a number of days now and still have this hankering craving/desire to MO, and it will just not go away! As soon as I stop for a second it's there tapping on my shoulder. I've been getting some solid spontaneous wood at times now which is awesome. I haven't felt so alive downstairs like that in a long time.

I can probably put it down to 2 things.
Number 1. As I've been becoming more self aware and active again I've been interacting with more people and girls the way I used to. I'm now noticing the attraction felt between me and other girls again. It's great, but again I can feel myself getting impatient and wanting the end result of an intimate relationship immediately. My default mode used to be to turn to porn, but this was one the realisations I had which led to my decision to reboot. I'm fighting on but I know this is going to be a battle as it's possibly one of the deepest ruts formed in my brain since my early teens.
Number 2. There is some seriously thickening sexual tension forming between myself and my housemate which is begging for the right oppurtunity to arise so that it can resolve. Again just a patience and waiting game. But man I wish it could happen quicker! Just with writing this now I can feel a stir from the 3rd Lieutenant.

 

[tk8888]

Stay strong with the MO temptation man! Trust me, you'll be so much happier you did after the 60, 70 day mark.

Agree with the whole attraction premise. Being checked out and then chatting with girls left and right.

Watch out with the roomie. Actually, just go for it. Take the risk. Get drunk and have fun with her.

Also, do you want to be accountability partners since we write on each other's board already?

 

[ksempai]

Thanks for the reply tk, it swayed me to keep strong. I've never been that close to giving in before. Accountability partners for sure sounds good. I've taken on your short term goal setting to get me through this and so have refocused to make the 60 days mark right now.

Overall I said at least 90 days, and so that is my goal. I committed to the cause, so no turning back now. Just taking smaller steps after getting off to a flyer.

I'll keep the roomie situation updated. I'm chatting with a few other girls at the moment who would be the safer bet. Although a drunken night with my roomie will most likely end with both of us in one bed. I'm just trying not to think about it too much because it's setting off so many triggers!

A quote to finish.

Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve - Napoleon Hill

 

[ksempai]

The last 2 weeks was a rollercoaster! To put it short, I relapsed and have been for the last 3 days.

It was about a week and half ago that the ache in my balls had become so incredibly unbearable! They were incredibly sensitive and had a deep pain/ache constantly sitting there. I was struggling to keep focus on day to day activities, so I decided to MO as I wasn't having any wet dreams, and I doubt myself as to whether I actually can considering I've never had one.
I felt great following it and figured I'd found my solution and carried on my next few days without any problem. Then one morning I awoke and the ache had returned. I figured I'd just release again in the shower. It did the trick, but wasn't as satisfying. I could feel the chaser effect closing in on me. I struggled through the next couple days, just to push forwards and clearing relapse thoughts from my mind.

Throughout this whole time, I'd also been chatting with a couple of girls. One girl in particular we had begun heavily flirting and bantering back and forth. Up to before my relapse my confidence had been growing ridiculously and I felt I could and was flirting with and attracting just about any girl I wanted to. I ended up meeting up with this girl. Things were good, but maybe a little bit awkward. She was a bit shy and possibly insecure at times. The night ended without anything happening between us.

The following day the chaser effect was ridiculously strong, possibly also to do with the fact that nothing had eventuated from the night before. This is the day I ended up caving in and relapsing. At first it felt amazing, but then I could feel myself riding the dopamine level graph over the next few days.

Well this morning I managed to finally pull my finger out again and commit to restarting. New day, new start, new leaf, and a date with this girl again tonight just chilling at mine watching movies.

I feel wiser this second time round! Now to beat 60 days and beyond!

 

[tk8888]

I didn't get past 35 days before this reboot. I got to 30+ days like 4 or 5 times too so you'll be fine man. Just try to take it day by day and recognize your triggers. Knowing your triggers and how you'll respond is half the battle.

 

[ksempai]

Day 0
So after being inactive for sometime and battling on and off with relapses for the past couple months, I returned to read through my old blog to motivate and drive me forward again.

I'd been battling with how I'd managed to do it so easily before, yet every time I restarted now I just could not even achieve a week. I did manage a 2 week stint but that's the best I've been able to achieve.

What I've discovered
Looking back over my journal has been very comforting.
I'd forgotten how many struggles I'd fought my way through and conquered. It means I can do it again!
It's a gentle reminder that it's not going to be easy but is well within my capabilities!
I remembered the head space I was in initially and that I have actually progressed a lot from there, despite numerous relapses.
I'm a lot wiser about it all now.

An old Japanese proverb

"If you fall seven times, get up eight"​

I'm setting smaller goals this time.
I'm going to reflect on regular achievements and things to be grateful for.
I plan to be more open about it, so as to not be lugging this secret around.

"A mountain is built from lots of tiny grains of sand. Sometimes they sit on top of each other and reach great heights; other times they fall to the side and next to others to build a stronger base, allowing for even greater heights to reached"​

Current Goal: 7 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Read through my Journal and made comforting discoveries; Work is going well; I feel in a better headspace

 

[ksempai]

Day 1
A whole day down and done. Nothing remarkable from today.
Was quite a busy day with work related things. I didn't get to workout unfortunately. Been lacking drive to workout all this week. Day off tomorrow though so will make it back.

Current Goal: 7 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Feeling as though I've recovered my inner desire to take this seriously again; 1 day complete with minimal disturbances/struggles; Had a win/confidence boost with a couple of difficult diagnoses of patients today

 

[ksempai]

Reasons why I'm ending

• I'm nearly 26, it means I've got 4 years of my 20s left. I want to make them count! I don't want to be 30 and still wacking off uncontrollably. By the time I'm 30 I want to be looking at starting a family, knowing exactly the direction I'm heading in. And enjoying that direction!!
• My business to be successful and triple the size it is now. I want to have achieved the 250 students my colleagues have.
• I want to be running from my own full time location
• Enjoying everyday of my life. Socialising with my friends. Being the life of the party I once was in my teen years. Feeling like I'm 21 and embracing every challenge that comes my way

"Today is the time to seize this opportunity. One more day and it will become a year"​

 

[ksempai]

Day 2
Happy with myself today.
Thursday's are usually tough. They're my day off, yet generally I have no one to socialise with since most of my friends work Mon-Fri.

Today started slow. It's funny how when thoughts of PMO get into your head they can be completely immobilising! I knew the answer was to get up and get moving, doing things out of the house. But actually getting the body to move and do it can be super tough in these early days of reboot though. The winning move by me was from my actions the night before. Leaving my laptop in the living room. Definitely sticking with this move.

The day was productive in the end. I've now now dubbed Thursday's as "Thoughtful Thursday". I'm going to use them to process and reflect on the week. Summer is getting ever closer and the days are getting finer by the week, perfect timing to start getting some beach time in.

Current Goal: 7 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Getting a whole day off each week with no stress; Creating a new promotion system for my sempai's; Having some of the best beaches in the world on my doorstep

 

[ksempai]

Day 4
Been feeling pretty flat and down today.
Meeting up with a girl I'd been previously seeing for a while, but really not feeling any motivation or drive to keep things going with her. I feel the spark has been lost a bit, yet she continues to push to try make things work. Tossing up whether to just end things tonight. We'll wait and see...

Otherwise been travelling pretty well. Have been consolidating "no porn" in my head more and more which is going well. It's slowly becoming less of an option. I've got to this stage before but feeling better and more committed this time around. I'm noticing more motivators around me now which is helpful.

"Pain is only temporary. It may last minutes, hours or even a year. But it will always come to an end. Unless you give up. Then it will last forever."​

Current Goal: 7 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Having a job that I truly enjoy; Having a healthy body; Making moves to better my life at the age I have

 

[ksempai]

Day 5
Man have the plums been sensitive today! It was absolute agony the first half of the day after I ended up sleeping with this friend last night. I committed to abstaining from ejaculating, although I'm still experiencing DE which I supposed "helped". I was more or less just going through the motions.
Thankfully I was attending a seminar all day today and so was adequately preoccupied to have many other thoughts enter my mind. However, I'm prepared for the chaser to potentially hit me hard over the next few days.
I'm not sure whether to continue having sex or not for the moment. I know that convincing my friend to not will be difficult. I will wait and see how the next few days pan out for me and then decide.
Overall still feeling quite flat at the moment. I just need to keep stepping through my routine and things will begin to pick up again.

Current Goal: 7 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Having the opportunity to experience a whole day with and learn from 2 amazing martial artists; Committing to not ejaculating during sex; Having received the education I have

 

[ksempai]

Day 6
Having downtime is such a crusher. I'm still feeling pretty flat whenever I've got downtime. It's a funny thing. You know the cure, but activating yourself into action is a whole other level.

It's all part of the rewiring process though I suppose. You have your up and down periods. The great thing is I know that I will eventually kick out of this stage. I just keep reminding myself that, and pushing my comfort zone for that particular day bit by bit and I'll gradually break through the barrier to some greener grass.

Didn't make the gym today. It's taking some great mental energy currently to rebuild my momentum and internal drive for those types of tasks. Currently my energy is being spent primarily on keeping myself on the straight and narrow. I know that as time goes by the proportions will begin to change in favour of energy being spent on the things I enjoy.

"You can hit an age old tree one thousand times in a different spot each time and it will continue to stand as strong as ever. However, if you hit it a thousand times in the same spot it will weaken and eventually fall."​

Current Goal: 7 days
Acievements/Gratefulness: Grateful for the appreciation I receive from doing my job; One day from completing my initial goal; Having the friends and family I do

 

[Tu 0 Seven]

Hey mate,

Now I get what you meant when you wrote that you feel many similarities, and many not. I read your journal, and felt the same. It feels humbling to have these connections.


To your advantage, you have got a great outgoing lifestyle. While now you have fallen back a bit, it is only a matter of time before you gain back the momentum showed in the first half of your journal. And when confidence comes back, keep on being mindful, making the right choice. I believe you will!

Keep going senpai!

 

[ksempai]

@Tu 0 Seven

Thanks for the vote of confidence champ! Hearing words like those from someone else, particularly when you're feeling a bit down and out are great inspiration.

The outgoing lifestyle definitely does have its pros, but it can make the days tough sometimes when you're really not feeling it. You have to dig really deep to push on, which is when I've historically lapsed out as it's been the only way to temporarily calm myself to keep the rest all sailing smoothly (on the surface anyway!).

Day 7
I'm looking forward to finishing this post so I can head to bed to have officially completed my first goal of 7 days! It is a satisfactory feeling to get there though. The first golden coin to go into the minds self esteem savings bowl. Not going to lie, whilst driving home tonight I rather expressively congratulated myself out loud with a few fist pumps.

Aside from successfully making it to today, it had its fair share of downs. My class today was super tough! Unfortunately when teaching kids, it's so dependent on the atmosphere and vibe of the class, and my current deflated inner self is starting to rub off on it. I'm trying so hard to keep it going but finding it tough going. I just need to keep it going, keep pushing forward, keep putting the efforts in and eventually I will create the opportunities and successes I'm desiring. Great successes don't come from nothing in life.

Two quotes to suit today's situation, both equally relevant:

"Keep smiling ... and one day life will get tired of upsetting you."​

"Be brave. Even if you're not, pretend to be.
No one can tell the difference."​

Current Goal: 7 days - ACHIEVED!!!!
New Goal: 14 days/2 weeks
Achievements/Gratefulness: Completed my first goal of 7 days; I have a good base for my life (thanks to Tu 0 Seven for pointing this out to me); After having more than a week off from all fitness, I felt stronger than ever today surprisingly

 

[ksempai]

Day 9
Things have been on the up the last 24 hours or so. Yesterday was a slow start as most of the past few days had been. Wasn't until the end of the day that I finally had a bit of a financial win come through and felt like a weight off my shoulders. In return, I felt the fire in my belly beginning to build again today.

I spent most of my day today out and about. I found myself initiating conversations a lot more. It was a good sign for me and gave me a smile about my progress. It's a step in the right direction back towards my naturally outgoing and social self.

I did notice another 'trigger' that I haven't specifically identified previously. Something to be aware of now and to work on altering is I'm wired to go have a bat when I pull up home and no one else is home.

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything"​

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress"​

Current Goal: 14 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: Noting a new trigger; Feeling the embers of my old social fire reigniting; Confidence is improving

 

[ksempai]

Day 12
Progress is going well. Still having my ups and downs. Wouldn't say I'm progressing as fast as I have previously, but it's been good and steady. I feel as though I've been more level headed. Trying not to get too far ahead of myself and really focusing on going one day at a time. Trying to develop new routines, planning things out. Using a lot more thought processes with everything. Really aiming to work on my rewiring whenever I can.

I've begun reading The Brain That Changes Itself and it is a really inspirational and motivating book in understanding not only how the brain can change and alter its pathways, but also the dedication required to do this and that people have conquered much more debilitating challenges than porn addiction. My body still has the ability to function perfectly well. I have nothing to hold me back other than my brain. I watched a 60 Minutes report on a kid who was paralyzed to quadraplegia following a football injury, and with in 3 months he has now walked out of hospital on his own two feet independently. He's 15. Never once believed that he would not be able to walk again. That's the type of mentality that's required to succeed.

I've done a lot of thinking the past few days. I've come to a precept which I'm going to try build to the point of constantly addressing all my routines and actions with, particularly while I'm in the process of developing new routines. I've devised this to try critically break down my day and develop new powerful reward circuitry.

Every minute of the day I'll be doing something that I ENJOY and is productive towards the PROGRESS and BETTERMENT of either myself or others.​

Today's quote:

"Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to accomplish it. The time will pass anyway." - H. Jackson Brown​

Current Goal: 14 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: New development in assessing the activities of my day; Having a perfectly healthy and functioning body; My independence

 

[ksempai]

Day 14
Woo! So I achieved another goal today, congrats to myself. Can't actually believe it's hit 2 weeks now though. Last thought I remember having regarding days, I felt I was a world away from reaching 14 days. Power of the mind!

I forgot how much these mood swings rock you though! Makes me grateful to be a dude and not have to deal with hormone fluctuations monthly.
I started the day pretty neutral, although beginning to embrace these early morning wake ups again. Went to the gym. Felt amazing going through my workout. No new weight increases, but felt energized and focused. This followed through an instructor meeting/training session and was putting forth some really good ideas and interaction.

Then it all began to fade. All at the wrong time too! Had my own classes to teach and my energy was drained, started feeling flat. Lots of students were away and class numbers were at an all time low. Usually our motto is "fake it 'til you make it". It could not get me going today and I just sunk lower and lower. Some of the worst classes I feel I've ever taught.

Been feeling quite depressed, lethargic, and irritable since getting home. Just want to get some food into me and then head to bed to reset for a new day.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." - Eleanor Roosevelt​

Current Goal: 14 days - ACHIEVED!!!
New Goal: 21 days/3 weeks
Achievements/Gratefulness: 2 weeks under the belt and feeling mentally tough; I'm a dude; I'm surrounded by inspirational people at work who impel you to succeed and achieve

 

[ksempai]

Day 23
So it's been a while since I last checked in. That week flew by!!

Things are getting tougher though. I'm keeping myself busy and entertained most of the days, but it's those small moments of down time that are killing me. I'm being invaded by cravings. I know I've got a lot of triggers firing me at the moment. The mood swings are killing me! Just fighting through the depression is a tough battle.

I've battled depression before and I've been a lot lower than I am now, but I totally forgot the weight in which it slugs against everything you do. It makes the days tough, and so then the mind calls for a PMO session to give it a dopamine lift. I know that that is and has always been my biggest and toughest trigger and that is the cycle I'm working to break in half and stamp out of my life.

It will take me down, it will make me hurt, it will make me feel like the loneliest person on earth but I know my final destination, and I'm going to get there! As I press on I will begin to instinctively fill these moments with other beneficial activities, but for now it is a pure mind battle that can only be slogged out. Going back to porn is just completely no option anymore. Porn may numb the loneliness but it will only perpetuate the problem. "NO!!!" has been my biggest ally right now.

I've begun to say "No" to a lot more things lately which has been good. I used to be the Yes Man, so to speak, which is great to point. It's definitely created so many opportunities for me and led me to meet many a people and do many a things, but it also does not allow you to discover what is important for you.

I've come to realise the importance of saying "No". When you simply accept everything, you begin to skip a vital mind process in regards to choice. You forget how to critically analyze things, you don't ever question the right or wrong, you don't develop your own opinions. Everything becomes good. I am the ultimate optimist, yet I generally struggle to find the disadvantages in things, I only look for the good in things.

It's definitely one of my strengths, but I feel I've lost a degree of my integrity due to it.

"It is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity" - Thomas Merton​

Current Goal: 21 days - ACHIEVED!!!
New Goal: 28 days/4 weeks, nearly a full month
Achievements/Gratefulness: 3 weeks down the hatch; I have a functioning mind that is able to make its own decisions; Graduated from university

 

[ksempai]

Day 25
Feeling mighty frustrated at the moment. Feeling as though I'm right in the thick of it right now. Hitting a lot of triggers head on! Got to work so hard to keep my spirits up. It's Saturday night, I've got various things I could be doing with friends but don't want to get up off the couch. Motivation is down to near an absolute zero! Just going to sit in watch the footy and a movie.

I'm fighting a pretty ingrained pathway right now. I went on a date earlier today with a pretty cute girl. Things went well and we'll catch up again. The challenge I'm fighting is to carry on with no sexual release. I've trained myself to always have some form of release following a date, if I didn't have sex, then I'd come home and PMO.

I can feel it so heavy right now. My nuts are aching and crying to be relieved. My head is trying to convince me "Just once will be alright! Think how much better you'll feel!". All I have to rely on is my previous experiences and thus knowledge. Just got to get through this night. The days are starting well now, it's just fighting things when I'm fatigued and need to relax at the end of a day. I know things are changing and I'm making progress. Just keeping my eye on that fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity.

Current Goal: 28 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: I have a heater in this cold weather; I've got friends who've invited me out; I'm able to strike up conversations with girls to go on dates

 

[ksempai]

Day 27
My head's feeling whacked. I can't work out what I want right now. One moment I'm buzzing with energy and enthusiasm, the next something irritates me and puts me in a bad head space for the rest of the day.

I'm hating it! I'm feeling super awkward in social situations. I can't even string together a reasonable conversation with people. I feel as though I'm just there staring blankly with nothing going through my head.

I definitely have not been feeling the highs which I have previously. Well not as consistently. I felt like I was on cloud 9 this morning and could take on anything. Had real good energy and buzz at the gym, absolutely powered through my workout, set a few new PB's. I then faded after that though.

Just craving to get my buzz back. I hate feeling like this!! All for the better man though. Just got to keep on striding.

"The greater the difficulty, the more glory in surmounting it. Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests." - Epictetus​

Current Goal: 28 days
Achievements/Gratefulness: I'm in good contact with my parents; Going to Japan for a snowboard trip; ...