A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

94 ME | 4 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 2

November
December
January
February

Doing OK although the drop in energy was intense! I think it was caused both by the relapse and the lack of sleep. I am feeling a bit better today.

I think I do need to find a moment and motivation to do something « sporty » in the midst of my work weekend trip. For sure running tomorrow morning, and perhaps some form of workout today (end of the day) if I have the time. I’ll try. I know this can help me with my energy levels.

The sentimental issue with the person I’m seeing hasn’t helped either. But I’m navigating through that slowly. I think it’s the distance and the fact that it bursted while I’m gone that is most difficult. Or perhaps not… Perhaps it’s helping us see things differently. I think I need to focus on here, on my trip, which will help me step back on this issue. I think it means not messaging her, or less, in the coming days.

I want to try and be present (and energetic) as much as I can here. I might use some of these in my next few posts here...

If I had to narrow my biggest trigger down to one word, what would it be and why?

• OK, it will be three words: boredom, loneliness and 'emptiness'.
• I am someone who does a lot of things, active things like sports, and now less active too (like, nicely, just going to a coffee shop to read a book). When I find myself without anything to do, it surprises me still. I guess the void of it scares me. And the opportunity it presents is weirdly exciting. That's when the trigger hits!
• I am also a very social person, I care about being liked and about what people think of me. Friends are super important in my life. I nurture my friendships. But then, if I'm alone, with nothing to do... That's when there's a chance of relapsing too.

When I look back at my life, what events can I trace back to that directly impacted substance use habits?

• They are short periods of time. I was never "deep" into PMO for weeks and weeks.

Interestingly, a couple of days after the relapse, I'm getting the feeling that I'm not losing all of the progress that I harnessed in my last two streaks. As written above, in the last 94 days, I've only had 4 days of relapse. Yes, there are some brain-related stuff happening with PMO, but here, there are a lot of psychological things too. Confidence is a big one for me. And the current relationship helped so much in that regard, getting that confidence back, realizing that I'm a nice sexual partner. I'm present. I'm fun. I'm generous. I'm listening. I'm (trying) to be communicative about one I and the other might like. So, the goal here is to remind myself of all of these great things that happened, and not let the narrative of "a relapse destroys everything" win.

 

[MapleSyrup]

Really sorry to hear this, mountain goat

But I just want to encourage you that your progress isn't over, and you don't have to re-start from scratch.

4 relapses in 96 days is pretty stellar if you ask me, compared to probably 90% of guys who are more like 80 PMO in 96 days.

Keep up your healthy habits as much as possible, keep the positive momentum going and get right back on track.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

96 ME | 4 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 4

November
December
January
February

Thanks @MapleSyrup for the positive feedback!

Energy is back! Did abs on Saturday, went running yesterday, and a bike ride today. It has helped a lot! The relapse's effects were intense, but then it was also re-assuring to se how quickly I recovered from it.

Also, I'm pretty sure that if I were to have sex in the coming days, it would work like it did before the relapse, as I said, 96 days PMO free vs 4 days of relapse.

What was my biggest barrier to lasting sobriety, last time I tried to break my addiction?

• Idle time, boredom compounded with unaddressed stress
• Solution: well, first, breathe!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

98 ME | 5 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 0

November
December
January
February

And... relapse again. Same reason as last time (idle, boredom...).

With a hint of self-sabotage; meaning I'm indirectly saboting a potential romantic-sexual relationship I'm at the beginning of, by "ruining the potential sex" we may have because of a relapse.

How might I break this cycle?

• By realizing that relapsing didn't solve my 'boredom' issue, it made it worse, time was not fulfilling.
• As soon as I start thinking about edging to non-P but stimulating content, I'm starting a relapse. I must "stop right there".
• By realizing it disconnects me from reality, while I actually enjoy reality a lot!
• By remembering how horrible I felt last Saturday!

So, now. Let's quit it. Things to look forward to:

• Yoga w/ friend
• Dinner w/ friends
• Day @ climbing gym Friday w/ friends
• Skiing this weekend
• Starting to read a new novel

There are big things ahead. I'm going to have apartment soon. Lots of things to do for this... I gotta get my shit together, and do this well!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

102 ME | 6 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 4

November
December
January
February

Feeling better. Relapsed the day following the last relapse. I had very compulsive urges, that were sort of striking me without a warning.

Now I'm feeling better. I had a lovely weekend, despite some very stressful personal stuff that I managed to handle.

Found joy in some beautiful outdoor adventures, one of them which took me out of my comfort zone a lot. Felt good!

I'm so glad that a new cozy coffee shop opened here, where I'll be able to work from. Avoid spending time on my own when I feel like a relapse could happen.

Also, very glad I'm still enjoying my "Dry February", it's been 21 days (started end of January) without alcohol!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

106 ME | 6 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 8

November
December
January
February

Doing good despite injuring my wrist in a bike accident, which is kind of annoying but OK! It seems to be healing slowly though.

Happy that I'm though the first week post relapse. This is always the most difficult.

One key trigger I've noticed in the last relapse is a sense of "life uncertainty" that I find hard to handle.

Nice things to look forward to in the coming days. Hopefully will manage to get on skis. Work is moving ahead nicely. A friend is coming over to visit...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

107 ME | 6 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 9

November
December
January
February

9 days! Yay.

Wrist injury not fully improving but not getting worse.

Decided to stay home and not go outdoors today. Completed many small annoying home tasks that I kept on procrastinating. Gave me a nice feeling of satisfaction.

I had a trigger at some point today. What I did: box breathing for a minute or two. Acknowledged the trigger. And went on with my day.

It's hard for me stay still these days. I think it's the recent relapse and the fear of emptiness (and, how it might lead to a relapse).

 

[the_mountain_goat]

108 ME | 7 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 0

November
December
January
February

And I relapsed. I must say I’m quite disappointed again and it’s one of these moments when I’m starting to lose hope.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

108 ME | 8 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 0

November
December
January
February

Well at least I did "better" than last time: 10 days without PMO, while last time it was 5. I can keep on doing better.

I've chatted with friends this morning and thought a lot about what triggered all of this...

• Emptiness and the fear of emptiness - and boredom and loneliness. I'm a bit stressed and hyperactive. I think emptiness scares me. So porn gives me a sense that this void will be filled.
• Stress / permanent tension. It's related to what I was saying up there. I'm always under tension. Even in my body, I'm aware of it (I think most of my joint pains are aggravated because I'm always tense). So there's this belief that relapsing offers me a form of release from stress.
• The false belief that my love and sex life are doomed to failure - so there's a form of unconscious self-sabotage in relapse, I guess!
• Bad weather and the impossibility of enjoying life outside.
• Wrist injury which prevented me from doing many things and ended up being quite depressing

I find it REALLY hard to find good alternatives. Things that will feel at least a bit attractive to counter my triggers.

Just putting out there my earlier notes about the EasyPeasy book...

• I'm not giving up anything by stopping using P, on the other hand, I'm gaining a lot! I will not "mope" about it!
• This is not a doom-inducing decision, I'm not trying to climb Everest by stopping using P, it's an 'easy' and joy inducing decision (and, it actually is, I'm smiling as I'm writing this and whenever I've been thinking about it lately)
• P won't help me with boredom & stress - it would actually create those and I'm very much happier without them in my life!
• No peak or substitutes as it would "re-ignite" the process of wanting P (the dopamine rush associated with looking for P, and looking for novelty etc.) ("the thrill is in seeking, not killing")
• (At least for me) there is no such thing as "clean porn" - experience has proven it - even the slightest peak at a "subtle" Instagram picture feeds the little "addicted monster" in me who will then ask for more!

1. I must face my fears (without P) around (1) loneliness / emptiness and (2) romantic / sexual relationships
2. Self-confidence needs to be boosted via recognising that I'm... (1) a good-looking guy and (2) a guy with a nice personality

 

[MapleSyrup]

Hey mountain goat, hope you're hanging in there.

I think it's great that you've talked to friends and identified your triggers and underlying fears and factors that led to replase. One thing that might help motivate you to get back on track is thinking of all the positive emotions and results of rebooting. Remembering the feeling of freedom that comes with fighting porn, and the energy and self-confidence that builds up over time.

For sure it's not easy though, once you've sort of lost your rebooting momentum. I can sure relate, as I just had a recent relapse myself...

It sucks that your wrist injury prevents you from doing a lot of activities, but I'm sure there's still some things you can do to stay active. Perhaps running, or even going for a long walk. Or hanging out with friends. Anything you can do to stay feeling positive, clear your mind, and avoid feeling emptiness.

Wishing you the best!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

124 ME | 8 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 16

November
December
January
February
March

Thanks so much for checking in @MapleSyrup, I really appreciate it!

I've actually been quite good. Since my last post I stayed out of P, that's 16 days

And, although I hadn't seen it, I followed your advice of going for runs! It felt quite nice. And got back to skiing last weekend which felt amazing too. Wrist is doing much better and I'm glad I managed to stay sane while it was hurting.

Seeing that special person again, with whom I had really nice sex a couple of times. What made me happy was to realize that two days after my last relapse I was able to have really enjoyable sex! Meaning that the relapse didn't destroy all the progress made in the last 5 months!

Feeling quite self-confident and happy about life at the moment. Good feelings.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 0

(real sex) (MO, no P) (no PMO) relapse

It's been a while but I've decided to come back, as I've struggled with recent relapses.

Life updates : I'm still with the great girlfriend I've had for many months now. I'm really enjoying the relationship, it's healthy, and we make love and it works! I've rarely experienced this before.

Yet, I've had a few relapses recently. I've been putting aside the P problem for a while as it rarely surfaced, and everything was a success! My girlfriend knows about them, knows about the problem. That helps!

What void or problem am I trying to fill via porn this time...?

• Family issues - that generate anxiety, guilt, and a feeling of helplessness
• Work/life balance related issues - I've taken some joyful time off, and being back at the office with nothing SO URGENT to do creates feelings of boredom, lack of purpose
• Financial/real estate issues - that generate anxiety because of some uncertainty

Still, what great things can I celebrate?

• My body has rarely felt this good, physical activity has been so helpful
• I'm extremely happy and in love with my girlfriend
• I've got great friends I've taken the time to see
• I'm settling down in a place that I love and enjoy being in

Previous learnings that I'm bringing back...

From EasyPeasy method book:

• I'm not giving up anything by stopping using P, on the other hand, I'm gaining a lot! I will not "mope" about it!
• This is not a doom-inducing decision, I'm not trying to climb Everest by stopping using P, it's an 'easy' and joy inducing decision (and, it actually is, I'm smiling as I'm writing this and whenever I've been thinking about it lately)
• P won't help me with boredom & stress - it would actually create those and I'm very much happier without them in my life!
• No peak or substitutes as it would "re-ignite" the process of wanting P (the dopamine rush associated with looking for P, and looking for novelty etc.) ("the thrill is in seeking, not killing")
• (At least for me) there is no such thing as "clean porn" - experience has proven it - even the slightest peak at a "subtle" Instagram picture feeds the little "addicted monster" in me who will then ask for more!

Two key facts...

• I must face my fears (without P) around (1) loneliness / emptiness and (2) romantic / sexual relationships
• Self-confidence needs to be boosted via recognising that I'm... (1) a good-looking guy and (2) a guy with a nice personality

I realize I've made SO much progress reading back some of the stuff. I'm a lot more self confident. I'm so happy romantically and sexually with my girlfriend. I KNOW that I am an attractive guy, and a good boyfriend.

Still, I must put porn aside if I don't want to step backwards and lose some of the great progress I've accomplished in the last 6 months. I don't want to derail now. This means I must face some of the challenges I wrote above, I must find ways to experience them without giving in to porn.

So... What else might I do when I want porn?

• Run
• Yoga
• Read a book
• Read the newspaper
• Meet a friend
• Call a friend
• Call family
• Eat a snack
• Boulder
• Get a coffee
• Find a new recipe and cook

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 1

Feeling good today. Feeling resolute, if that's a thing. Determined. And not scared. Happy to say not to porn. I know, as the last months have proved it, that my life is so much better without it!

I've got a lot of work today, which will be good and stimulating. I must take some healthy breaks. Will do some yoga before lunch break.

I've also been doing a morning routine, which is slowly becoming a habit!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 2

The morning routine is still very nice (I'm writing here from the routine) and it's very nice. It helps me start the day slowly and positively. Giving myself the time to do things well.

Yesterday I had really good sex. I'm reassured that the recent relapses haven't hurt my self-confidence and libido. It also reinforced the need to not do porn anymore, as I really want to preserve this amazing progress.

Looking forward to many nice things today: bike, good restaurant, concert with friends...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 4

Doing well. Went trail running yesterday and it felt good. I feel pretty good with my body these days.

Also had good sex. YET, one of my goals now is to try and not O every time I have sex, and rather keep that energy in me. O is always so tempting (and feels nice,) but I like the idea of not giving in to it all the time, and try to focus even more on the wonderful journey that happens before O in sex.

Things I'm grateful for these days... My girlfriend, the setting around me, eating well, time with friends.

One goal: try to spend more quality time with friends.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 15

Feeling great! Physical achievements this weekend that made me feel super strong and able.

Doing meditation. One of the meditation sessions asked me to think about my strengths and to own them more. I like that idea.

The strengths I (re)discovered were part of me...

• Vitality (enthusiasm, vigor, energy)
• Love (capacity to love and be loved)
• Social intelligence
• Leadership
• Prudence
• Beauty (capacity to appreciate)
• Gratitude
• Curiosity (experiencing new things, learning new things)

Many things to do and look forward to these days, and that helps a lot! But also feeling grounded and not overwhelmed thanks to daily things like the morning routine!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 16

Good productive day yesterday. Super happy about it. Worked very productively. Did some rock climbing and caught up with a friend.

Today some work, some running and a little workout hopefully! And, family dinner tonight. Good things ahead.

And, reuniting with the girlfriend after a full week without her tomorrow, very much looking forward to this!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 17

Feeling a bit vulnerable today. Many events yesterday brought tension, stress and a bit of sadness to me.

I think I was close to relapsing this morning and glad I didn't. I tried to do productive things like some work. And tried to hold on to the fact that I'd soon be rock climbing with friends. That perspective helped!

And, tonight the girlfriend is back

 

[the_mountain_goat]

24 ME | 1 PORN
Current Streak: 1

I relapsed intensely last night. I was alone at home (which is rare) and that triggered it. Really bad relapse, it lasted hours and the content was pretty rough. I managed to see and talk to my girlfriend about it afterwards, which felt comforting.

I'm feeling a bit hungover this morning. I don't want to start feeling bad about it all. I want to be able to rebound. The thing is I cannot lose sight of that list of "what else might I do"... Last night, the surprise of being home alone hit me and it was too late, my mind was set on it and the alternatives were already really far away.

Contextual life stuff has kept me from doing the morning routine recently! I started again this morning. I really like and see the benefits of it!

 

[BrassBalls707]

24 ME | 1 PORN
Current Streak: 1

I relapsed intensely last night. I was alone at home (which is rare) and that triggered it. Really bad relapse, it lasted hours and the content was pretty rough. I managed to see and talk to my girlfriend about it afterwards, which felt comforting.

I'm feeling a bit hungover this morning. I don't want to start feeling bad about it all. I want to be able to rebound. The thing is I cannot lose sight of that list of "what else might I do"... Last night, the surprise of being home alone hit me and it was too late, my mind was set on it and the alternatives were already really far away.

Contextual life stuff has kept me from doing the morning routine recently! I started again this morning. I really like and see the benefits of it!

Congratulations on the sustained effort, it motivates me to see you go at it again and again. I'm proud that you can confide in your girlfriend with this struggle. It is a luxury, but don't let it become a crutch. I don't say this to undermine you or drive a wedge between you both, but because I worry about your self-dependence. I understand from your last report that once you are without others, the likelihood of relapse increases. If that's not a slip up you think needs to be addressed, you can ignore my opinion below and by all means, feel free to correct me. Like yourself, I'm here to learn.


A comforting but harsh lesson is that only a single person exists that can be there for you 100% of the time. That is you, yourself.
Discover what lies at the root of you not being there for yourself, this will give you more insight in how to navigate this trigger or relapse. Be it (in my case) hesitation to the cause or reluctance born from self-hate... whatever it may be, dig into it. Don't mind that your hands get dirty. Treasures seldom lie upon the surface. Think. Excavate the digsite of your mind.

What could have been going through your mind, then? What were you thinking before, during and after? Has this happened in the past?
Those are questions that may help. Consider making accessibility harder if you can. Think of other activities you would rather do when you are home alone, make these more accessible than the porn. I personally tend to sing and dance, call friends or groom myself more thoroughly. Sometimes I practice guitar, ensuring no one but I hears my dreadful and discordant strumming .

A man is like a fire, you feed it twigs or branches, perhaps even problems the size of logs... The fire will dim but eventually it will grow brighter, hotter, stronger... In any case, it - or should I say he - is less easily extinguished.

Looking at your sustained effort, you will grow to be a bonfire or a pyre perhaps. Count your kindling, remind yourself of what you have suffered and learned from it. You will be better for it. You are the (mountain) goat