A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 3

(real sex) (MO, no P) (no PMO) relapse

Hey there friends.

Doing well. Had a nice "controlled" MO session last night - as in it didn't last hours, didn't consume my time, and was enjoyable. Then I spent the rest of the evening reading a book. I'll limit these MO sessions to once a week now. I'll also be careful in the coming days, with the chaser effect!.

Happy that yoga is becoming a thing too. Makes me feel good in my body.

Managing to keep work from stressing me out too much.

Some nice outdoorsy plans this weekend to look forward to!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 6

Hello hello!

Happy that I'm near my 7 day mark. Seems like a great achievement these days!

Appreciative of the way I kept myself motivated to go outside, take care of my body (yoga, outdoor activities, good food...) and mind (reading, listening to nice music...). Being away from porn for sure helps.

Keeping my long-term goals in mind, too.

Relaxing day today, staying at home, went to the farmers market, reading books...

Also took some time today to plan the week ahead, to make sure it's filled with positive and healthy things to do!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 7

Woot woot! ONE WEEK.

Feeling good, despite some stress and/or demotivation at work that I'm managing to handle. The team I'm working with is helping

So appreciative of my friends, the people around and the network of friendships that I've built over the years here. Very supportive and kind!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 9

Last two days felt a bit roller-coaster-ish! This year has brought some frustrations and disappointments, which I'm trying to live with, accept and overcome slowly. I know using porn has been a "fake" way to overcome. It only enhanced it. Another way has been to "unleash" these frustrations unfairly on some people around me. Yesterday I've had to have a complicated conversation with a friend, apologizing for that behaviour. It helped a lot. The friend was very receptive and accepted my apology. Felt good. I think it's the right path to this kind of "sobriety".

Friendships are super important to me, especially now in these more difficult times, as I struggle with some existential questions, frustrations etc.

Also did this really cool values test: https://personalvalu.es/ This is what emerged:

1. Pleasure
2. Health
3. Adventure
4. Compassion
5. Challenge

It's helpful to see what matters to us. Some came as a surprise to me! Pleasure as first was surprising, yet also explains the risk of addiction. Now that I know that these are the values that matter most to me, I know that I should try and seek activities that will help fulfill them in a meaningful way. It can be one of my guiding stars

 

[Blondie]

That's a great idea @the_mountain_goat about the values test, I will have to look at that. I had mine a while back, but funny enough, without looking at them, it's easy to forget.

Best

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

DAY 9

Last two days felt a bit roller-coaster-ish! This year has brought some frustrations and disappointments, which I'm trying to live with, accept and overcome slowly. I know using porn has been a "fake" way to overcome. It only enhanced it. Another way has been to "unleash" these frustrations unfairly on some people around me. Yesterday I've had to have a complicated conversation with a friend, apologizing for that behaviour. It helped a lot. The friend was very receptive and accepted my apology. Felt good. I think it's the right path to this kind of "sobriety".

Friendships are super important to me, especially now in these more difficult times, as I struggle with some existential questions, frustrations etc.

Also did this really cool values test: https://personalvalu.es/ This is what emerged:

1. Pleasure
2. Health
3. Adventure
4. Compassion
5. Challenge

It's helpful to see what matters to us. Some came as a surprise to me! Pleasure as first was surprising, yet also explains the risk of addiction. Now that I know that these are the values that matter most to me, I know that I should try and seek activities that will help fulfill them in a meaningful way. It can be one of my guiding stars

Hey man, hang in there, 9 days is a good start.

About the value test, it's ridiculous how much value people give to "pleasure" which in many cases it's not even an actual tangible, valuable thing, it's "empty", like in empty calories, empty sexual pleasure (PMO) and many others. Yet, pleasure is probably the first thing that comes into my mind when I experience massive urges...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

@Escapeandnevercomeback thanks for your feedback! I really appreciate that pleasure is my #1 actually, I don't see it as a problem per se, on the contrary. It shows me how I appreciate sensations, connecting with my senses, and trying to enjoy the moment. I know I really connect with that value when it comes to enjoying food, some good music, or a massage, or a warm bath, with candles etc. Of course, then, like ALL values on my list, it can derail. But not an issue in itself, at least for me. And I'm sure about it. That's what makes me who I am, I am a bon vivant or "epicurean", who knows how to enjoy life, and acknowledging that some things shouldn't be part of that pleasure equation (like, porn), while actual sex without porn can definitely be a great source of pleasure too.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 11

Yesterday was a tough day. Work was really stressful in a way that demotivated me a lot, and made me question everything. I know I'm in this moment where "hardships" are "testing" me in a way. I can see how I could relapse in those moments seeking immediate (and fake) comfort. And thus, if I'm refusing porn, then of course I panic a bit more, thus the usual "relief" doesn't come. But I'm trying to stay strong, and I know it will pass. I talked with a friend, went to see a concert, and tried to relax (yoga, warm shower...).

Today was a lot better, I felt more positive, yet tired by yesterday's emotions!

This weekend I have a couple of nice activities planned. Will meet some new people (I may be having a date!)

Will see you on the other side!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 15

Celebrating two weeks without porn. I'm proud. This hasn't happened since the summer ended.

I had a "perfect" weekend equation that I'm grateful for (and, made happen)... It was outdoursy, social, restful... I also had a nice date. Managed to mention porn with them, explain how it affects my sexuality, how it affects my libido (ups and downs) etc. Very grateful for all of this.

Also glad I finished one big, tough novel called A little life that I've been reading for weeks now. I think it was quite a "difficult" read (emotionally), and I'm not sure I enjoyed it. It affected me quite a lot. What I got from it is how much one can suffer without loving/appreciating oneself, how destructive self-hatred can be, and how important it is to find ways to "cultivate" self-love, as well as an environment where one is loved and valued by others. I think I have cultivated this (with ups and downs). And I'm glad.

At the same time, the book was hard for me because I identified a little with how the main character seeks relief in an addictive and self-destroying behavior (the main characters resorts to self-harm, and for me, of course, porn). This is not comparable, yet it was sometimes disturbing to read and see the depiction of someone who takes a self-destructive behavior to the extreme.

Otherwise, the week started off well! Reading a lighter book and some poetry. Work is going well yet is stressful as always! Will continue seeking balance between work, outdoors, social stuff and relaxation in the coming days

 

[Blondie]

Congrats @the_mountain_goat on two weeks porn-free. That sounds like an interesting book, I might have to check it out.

Best brother. Keep on aiming high.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 22

Time flies, really! These last seven days were intense and colorful. Glad I've made it to 3 WEEKS!

I got sick -just a cold- but that knocked me down a bit. Still a bit sick but feels like the cold is on its way out! Feeling better already.

An interesting feeling these last few days, how I sometimes feel "stuck" with my body and the pain it might generate. This reminded of struggles I had before this year (with some injuries that are now doing a lot better!) - how I must just sometimes accept the pain and the way my body feels. I feel like I'm handling it better, I've found a way to diversify my sources of satisfaction in life (physical activity is one of them, but now I've extended it to books, movies, music and food, esp. if my body isn't feeling great.) Like single-crop agriculture isn't sustainable (if a disease spreads, all your crops are dead), one must look into ways to find a path towards "permaculture", the development of an sustainable and integrated life ecosystem with its different parts feeding into each other... I like that metaphor!

I started doing improv theater, which is nicely taking me outside of my comfort zone, but within a friendly safe space. I like it!

This week is a bit lighter in terms of work. Some things I'm looking forward to in coming days and weeks (I found it's important to focus on positive things in the future)...

• Visiting properties to potentially buy (starting now!)
• Visiting friends in a nearby city this weekend
• Finishing a big first part of my current work project (before Christmas!)
• Christmas holidays with family
• New Year's celebration with friends
• Visiting friends in the capital in early January

 

[the_mountain_goat]

27 ME | 1 PORN



So, there was a relapse tonight. Not a terrible one. Triggered by the book I was reading and looking at my phone late at night. Also by the chaser effect from a PM session from a few days ago. Things escalated quickly.

I don't want to feel bad about it. There has been some stress lately, some big decisions...

Going back to the score board "Me vs porn". I like the perspective that I'm doing great against porn. Even though there's a relapse.

I may have focused too much on work today and not enough on "physical" wellbeing. Maybe some yoga would have helped. A definitely turning screens off before going to bed.

Maybe another thing that troubles me is the "lack of perspectives" in terms of romantic relationships. It's making me sad a bit. And not helping me stay motivated to stay out of porn.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

29 ME | 2 PORN



Relapsed again... Again, at night. Stress keeping me from sleeping and porn appearing as a solution to stress. SO WRONG. Afterwards the issues that had kept me awake seemed even greater: PMO didn't relieve the tension, it intensified it. I had never witnessed this this obviously! Yet, I relapsed a second time after this, as the anxiety was strong... Impressive how much of a vicious cycle it is...

A few things in life are very stressful at the moment. And, still, like three days ago, I don't have much physical/outdoor activity in my life which usually brings me balance.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

30 ME | 2 PORN



Managed to get through this stressful work day! Quality time with a friend tonight, before embarking on a long weekend of outdoors stuff!

When I'm back to my desk / every life next week: How might I keep up my momentum with regards to taking care of my body? How might I keep some physical activity (yoga, workout, short runs...) in my every day life? I think it's been challenging in the last two weeks because I've been sick with a cold and that brought my energy levels down.

Will win this.

 

[MapleSyrup]

I like the coloured square tracker thing you're using, out of curiosity what do the blue and yellow represent? I think it's cool that you're treating it as an ongoing 'vs.' tally, instead of just streaks. Having only 2 relapses in a month is obviously huge progress, which a reset streak counter fails to capture.

Incorporating physical exercise definitely seems to be a huge part of self-improvement, and rebooting specifically. Personally, I've gotten back into regular workouts in the past few months, although I also really like running or long walks outside. Really helps me feel more mentally stable and fulfilled by the end of the day, which helps me avoid seeking porn as an escape.

Keep up the good work!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

42 ME | 3 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 12



Lots of intense emotions today. Feeling a bit tired. But first, let's look back at the last 12 days.

I got back up after that relapse. It wasn't easy. I find it hard to feel motivated always. I usually derive a lot of pleasure from spending time outside, and I've found it hard to motivate myself to go outside (not always).

Yet I've had REALLY good times... I'm grateful. Two great ski days, some climbing. Some quality time with some friends too. Trying to center my friendships here, cultivate them. Not always easy.

Then I also met someone, with whom I like the bond I'm developing. Some uncertainty around it, like "is it 100% mutual or not", all of these things at the beginning of a potential relationship... It's generating a bit of stress. Trying to relax.

I'm feeling how I'm at a shift in life with some big decisions I mentioned earlier. Like buying a place for myself. That's stressful too.

All in all, a nuanced 12 days. Some stress. Some love. Some satisfaction and some frustration. Life? Hopefully the furthest away from porn the better I'll feel!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

43 ME | 3 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 13



A mixed day. I went outdoor climbing which felt great. Satisfying and pleasing!

I have this dose of unexplained stress that kicks in the late afternoons / early evenings these days, where I suddenly get moody and bad tempered. Trying to accept it, breathe, relax. I've recently learned some meditating and breathing techniques that help.

I know I'm in a situation (some moments, like those mentioned late afternoons, where I feel frustration and loneliness) where I might be facing a risk of relapse. I'm keeping that awareness with me. For now, I'm handling it well.

Also, the perspective of sex with the person I've slowly started dating is a motivation to stay away from porn. Not perhaps the best motivation because it's not essentially for myself, but a bit for that person. Yet, I feel like it's a good motivation in the sense that staying away from porn eventually brings out the best version of myself.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

I like the coloured square tracker thing you're using, out of curiosity what do the blue and yellow represent? I think it's cool that you're treating it as an ongoing 'vs.' tally, instead of just streaks. Having only 2 relapses in a month is obviously huge progress, which a reset streak counter fails to capture.

Incorporating physical exercise definitely seems to be a huge part of self-improvement, and rebooting specifically. Personally, I've gotten back into regular workouts in the past few months, although I also really like running or long walks outside. Really helps me feel more mentally stable and fulfilled by the end of the day, which helps me avoid seeking porn as an escape.

Keep up the good work!

Sorry @MapleSyrup I never answered! Blue = MO, no P. Yellow = relapse.

Agree with the way you see your workouts! The only problem is that my body is playing tricks with me, painful joints and stuff, that require me to lower my use of physical activity...!

 

[MapleSyrup]

43 ME | 3 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 13



A mixed day. I went outdoor climbing which felt great. Satisfying and pleasing!

I have this dose of unexplained stress that kicks in the late afternoons / early evenings these days, where I suddenly get moody and bad tempered. Trying to accept it, breathe, relax. I've recently learned some meditating and breathing techniques that help.

I know I'm in a situation (some moments, like those mentioned late afternoons, where I feel frustration and loneliness) where I might be facing a risk of relapse. I'm keeping that awareness with me. For now, I'm handling it well.

Also, the perspective of sex with the person I've slowly started dating is a motivation to stay away from porn. Not perhaps the best motivation because it's not essentially for myself, but a bit for that person. Yet, I feel like it's a good motivation in the sense that staying away from porn eventually brings out the best version of myself.

The unexplained wave of stress/frustration/loneliness is pretty relatable to me. Breathing techniques are great, I've also found that hot sauna sessions are fantastic for acute stress, although that one's obviously less readily available. If you're able to get access to one, it might even help with the joints and aches too.

Hope all goes well with the girl you started dating! As far as motivation goes, that seems great to me, to be motivated for your own sake plus for someone else's sake.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

46 ME | 3 PORN
CURRENT STREAK : 16



Happy that I've been through these first two weeks.

Now with the family. Both nice and stressful. Trying to enjoy it and still, find time for myself.

Thinking of the things I may do for myself in the coming three days with the family:

• Reading books
• Workout
• Taking a bath

Love the idea of going sauna / steam rooms @MapleSyrup - there is one not too far from home, and not too expensive! I may just do that more regularly.