A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 11

Feeling good! Enjoying some "holiday" time by the sea. It has an appeasing effect on me.

I feel like ready the EasyPeasy book has planted nice seeds into my head. I remind myself that...

• I'm not giving up anything by stopping using P, on the other hand, I'm gaining a lot! I will not "mope" about it!
• This is not a doom-inducing decision, I'm not trying to climb Everest by stopping using P, it's an 'easy' and joy inducing decision (and, it actually is, I'm smiling as I'm writing this and whenever I've been thinking about it lately)
• P won't help me with boredom & stress - it would actually create those and I'm very much happier without them in my life!
• No peak or substitutes as it would "re-ignite" the process of wanting P (the dopamine rush associated with looking for P, and looking for novelty etc.) ("the thrill is in seeking, not killing")
• (At least for me) there is no such thing as "clean porn" - experience has proven it - even the slightest peak at a "subtle" Instagram picture feeds the little "addicted monster" in me who will then ask for more!

Also, read a really good book that talked about the reward system in our brains (highly recommend this book by the way, a neuroscience book about emotions). It was interesting to read that there are two sub systems in it, the want and the like systems. And they don't work with the same substance! "dopamine was only important for increasing the ‘incentive salience’ ̶ the degree of wanting ̶ of a stimulus, and in turn therefore producing a motivational state to repeat it, rather than for regulating the liking of the stimulus itself." - this confirms what was said in Easy Peasy: that addiction is about wanting. We don't like PMO, we're just highly hungry for the "thrill" of looking for porn, for the perfect clip etc. And in the end, we don't like it, it makes us unhappy etc.

Just re-subscribed to a mediation app for the next 12 months. I really want to make it a habit. It makes me more present, calmer, more grounded, and, helps me with my body pains which to some extent are psychosomatic.

AND! I don't want to forget the realisation I had earlier this summer around...

1. I must face my fears (without P) around (1) loneliness / emptiness and (2) romantic / sexual relationships
2. Self-confidence needs to be boosted via recognising that I'm... (1) a good-looking guy and (2) a guy with a nice personality

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 14

Doing good. Back home after 2 weeks away on semi-holiday.

Lots of little things to do which felt overwhelming but now I'm nearly caught up.

Keep reminding myself about this new "positive" mindset about not using P. This is not something to "mope" about

Met someone nice yesterday. Hope to see her again. Feeling confident that I will!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 21

So glad I reached the 21 day mark and it's actually been... EASY! Despite the half-roughness of life right now with many "situations" -family and friends wise- that I'm trying to live with/ offer support to.

I remind myself that P would only make things worse, and that's I'm actually so much better without it, I feel more motivated, more stable emotionally (or, at least, the lows are a lot more manageable!), more outgoing, more in-tune with my actual feelings (not hidden/distorted by P's highs and lows) etc.

In the midst of this "roughness", I've had a lot of beautiful moments with friends and family recently. Summer brings an air of peacefulness which I appreciate!

Meditation has helped recently too.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 25

Hi guys. Had a lovely weekend, with a chill day and an active day.

Still taking time to meditate. Taking a few great meditation cycles, one around living with pain, one around accepting our own vulnerabilities (vs. constantly fighting them), and, one of "letting go".

Grateful I found a way out of my addiction, where I daily remind myself how good I am doing without it, and, how I'm not giving up anything by putting porn away, I'm gaining a lot! EA-SY! Can't recommend the Easy Peasy book enough...!

In 10 days, I'll be leaving for a big trip/project (6 weeks long). It's a bit daunting. But I'll be with great people. Still, I know it will be a crazy adventure! Trying to both prepare myself as well as accepting the uncertainty of that kind of trip.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 31

Exhausted but happy, and, a bit emotional. As I told you guys, I'm about to embark on a 6 weeks-long trip that scares me a little bit. And had a lovely weekend with friends, and a bit emotional about leaving to be honest. I know the trip will be amazing, but still, feels funny.

I'm in one of those "landing" moments, where I've been super stimulated and occupied (this intense weekend with friends and tons of activities), and tonight I'm on my own, and taking it easy. Watched a nice TV series, and now will do some yoga stretches, meditation, and then read in bed. I may also want to spend some time reaching out to a friend and share my current feelings.

Last week I allowed myself a nice MO moment. I was in a sort of complex situation: I knew I was going to share a room with friends for the weekend, and I knew that with 26 days without MOing, there was a risk of wet dream (they usually happen to me around this time!), and didn't want the awkward situation of doing that with a friend in the same room... So, after thinking about it, I thought to myself "ok, MO, but ENJOY it, focus on the JOURNEY not on the destination" and I did it as MINDFULLY as I could, focusing on the sensations throughout the journey, being present (basically all the opposites of MO in front of P!).

It felt nice. Very interesting -and for me- not a straightforward experience. I was trying to be mindful of the chaser effect that might come afterwards, knowing that it might create some triggers.

I'll "have" to do the same every two weeks or so in the next 6 weeks, as I'll be sharing a tent with a friend this entire time on my trip, and I really want to avoid wet dreams then (it would be very awkward...). So, on my prescription: mindful MO every two weeks or so, and trying to be mindful of the chaser effect that may come after, to make sure it doesn't wake up the "little addiction monster" in me!

Wish me good luck!

By the way, celebrating one month without P!

 

[TypeN]

Congratulations on one month @the_mountain_goat! That's huge. I will have to check out easy peasy again sometime, when I have some down time...

Wishing you well on your big trip my friend.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 1

(real sex) (MO, no P) (no PMO) relapse

I've been back from the above-mentioned trip a week ago. What a trip! It was an intense and difficult one (5 weeks in a tent, with the same 3 other people!), in which I've learnt a lot. During the trip, I MOed a few times, when I felt like it. I felt it was healthy. Happy about it! This means I went for something like 2 months without porn!

Took me a week to settle down back into my life. However, being back, I relapsed twice in the last few days. Classic me, as I settle down, I need some time to "ease back" into my life, meaning my daily habits from before my trip, including the fact of not using porn (and doing lots of healthy things instead), and the rationale behind it (which I didn't even need to remind myself about on my trip) have gone lost a little bit.

So, first thing I'll do here is remind myself of a few things I've learnt on my Reboot Nation journey (sorry for being repetitive!)...

I "believe" (wrongly) that porn helps me escape two fears: (1) Fear of loneliness (and, sometimes, boredom) and (2) Fear of being in a romantic/sexual relationship.

My takeaways from the EasyPeasy method book, in which I still strongly believe:

• I'm not giving up anything by stopping using P, on the other hand, I'm gaining a lot! I will not "mope" about it!
• This is not a doom-inducing decision, I'm not trying to climb Everest by stopping using P, it's an 'easy' and joy inducing decision (and, it actually is, I'm smiling as I'm writing this and whenever I've been thinking about it lately)
• P won't help me with boredom & stress - it would actually create those and I'm very much happier without them in my life!
• No peak or substitutes as it would "re-ignite" the process of wanting P (the dopamine rush associated with looking for P, and looking for novelty etc.) ("the thrill is in seeking, not killing")
• (At least for me) there is no such thing as "clean porn" - experience has proven it - even the slightest peak at a "subtle" Instagram picture feeds the little "addicted monster" in me who will then ask for more!

So, in the coming weeks, I want to continue settling back nicely into my life. This includes a lot of nice habits I've built over the last few months that I want to keep practicing... Yoga, reading books (novels and stimulating essays), listening to the news on the radio, biking (instead of running that hurts my body more), going to the pool (same rationale), take care of my local friendships, cinema...

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 0

Just relapsed. Cause: stress. Some big life decisions causing it. And the absence of "easy alternative" thing on my mental radar to do instead.

Now wondering: what could have I done instead? In the evening, after dinner, solo... Typically I would read a book. Watch a movie? A TV series? My current book might be a bit triggering. Maybe I want to get rid of it for now...

 

[Androg]

Yes, sometimes you have to skip other triggering material.

Is it possible that you also think you "deserve a relapse" because you were away from porn for weeks...and you still see it as a "reward?" That can be a tough mindset to overcome.

 

[Trisquel]

Breaking habits is difficult!
Maybe try to take the urges as a signal to do something completely different?
Yoga, for example, or calling a friend/relative.
There is a book I want to read: atomic habits, it talks about building habits.

Good luck!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Well, this way a roller-coaster attempt... I relapsed a few times since my last post here. Struggling to find a balance in my life.

Why is hard to do the things that make us feel good, and so easy to slip into things that are bad for us?

I can think of the reasons why I relapsed recently... I will phrase them directly as questions rather than problems!

• How might I find balance in life?
• How might I plan for activities that will make me feel good?
• How might I structure my daily life a bit more? (even though, it's also nice to improvise)
• How might I keep myself busy and energised even though the weather is bad?
• How might I find ways to do physical activities indoor?
• How might I find the motivation to do the things above?
• How might I find partners for these activities?
• How might I make those alternative activities more accessible?
• How might I identify a few "goals" for myself (near, mid and long term) that will help me achieve the things above?

I think this "brainstorming" helped! I've put in bold what I think are the key questions for me.

Brainstorming on goals...

• Book reading goals? (but maybe extrapolate something from it, like perhaps start an Insta page on books?)
• Home physical exercise goals?
• A distant trip goals? Like planning a little mountain trip in the future.
• "pool" goals (started going last week but def need to improve!)
• Yoga goals
• Meditation goals

So perhaps the emerging idea would be to set myself some specific goals around those things, that help me structure my life and give me motivation?

 

[Trisquel]

Hey man, sorry to hear you relapsed, but good to see you here.

Maybe try to keep it simple,
Build up a weekly routine and stick to it, no too busy, not too ambitious, simple things, simple activities that make you good and you can do with other people, while at the same time gives you space to improvise.

I'm talking about waking up every day at the same hour, doing yoga on mondays, Wednesday and Fridays and simple plans like that.

Sometimes simplicity wins over grand plans.

Good luck!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 2

(real sex) (MO, no P) (no PMO) relapse

Thanks Trisquel!

I've had a nice time since Friday. Good times with friends, good times for myself, and good times outside despite the autumn weather!

I feel like balance is at the tips of my fingers. Not far from it. I have all the tools in my life tool kit

I've been thinking about the "goals" thought I had on Friday. I do think, even though not talking about a "grand plan", I need goals. Things I can visualize and try to reach in the future, and to reach them I create a structure for myself (like you said Trisquel, maybe yoga once a week etc.) It's hard for me to say "I'll just do yoga once a week", if there isn't a goal behind (could be: gain flexibility for X, be able to perform a level above my current yoga app level by date Y etc.)

But goals have appeared as key to help me fight this addiction. Without goals, there is this emptiness that is hard to bear which, can lead to relapse.

I'm trying to give myself the time to make these goals "clear" for myself.

Thinking "out loud" based on the list I've started thinking about above:

1. Continue reading 1 book every two weeks - and by the end of the year, make a "Top 5" books letter to my friends with my year's favorite suggestions?
2. By the end of the year, be able to swim X distance (TBD in coming weeks - just started really going the pool recently)
3. Prepare myself physically for the opening of a new climbing gym in which I want to train, by doing at least two workouts a week (abs + upper body)
4. Try to do yoga at least once every other day in the morning
5. Slowly start thinking + prepare for a long bike trip in 2024!

These are not 100% defined yet. Giving myself some time. But I like where this is going. It's not set in stone either. I don't want to be too attached to them either!

 

[Androg]

Have you read this? https://www.amazon.com/Walk-Woods-Rediscovering-Appalachian-Official-ebook/dp/B000S1LSAM

"NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The classic chronicle of a “terribly misguided and terribly funny” (The Washington Post) hike of the Appalachian Trail"

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Have you read this? https://www.amazon.com/Walk-Woods-Rediscovering-Appalachian-Official-ebook/dp/B000S1LSAM

"NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The classic chronicle of a “terribly misguided and terribly funny” (The Washington Post) hike of the Appalachian Trail"

Looks like a cool book. "Wild" by Cheryl Strayed is one of my favorite books, in a similar vibe! Thanks for the recommendation

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 4

Doing well. Work keeps me busy. Some stress related to it, and trying to live with it, as the things causing it cannot be solved in a day. Trying to be patient and accept the fear that comes with it.

I'm trying to keep thinking about my goals, refining them etc.

1. Continue reading 1 book every two weeks
   • By the end of 2022, write a "Top 5" books letter to my friends with my year's favorite suggestions
2. Prepare for a mini triathlon in the summer of 2024
   • By the end of 2023, be able to swim 1000m distance in one go
   • Keep my abs in a good shape - one workout every week, at least
   • Try to do yoga at least once every other day in the morning
3. Slowly start thinking + prepare for a long bike trip in 2024!
   • By the end of 2022, have an idea of the itinerary and dates for this trip
4. By end of 2024, feel like I live more in accordance with my values by having activated at least two "major changes"
   • Car sold? Using my bike & car sharing instead?
   • Stop eating meat altogether?
   • Be more politically active?

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 0

Hey guys.

Got swept away by life. And, relapses! Many!

Hasn't been easy. I see it's not helping me feel more motivated, for sure.

Thinking of getting another kind of help, after a couple of years of seeing a therapist, I'm thinking of perhaps seeing a hypnotherapist... But not sure that it'd work on me.

Still, I've kept my objectives (above) in mind. Which is good.

Relapses are caused by stress (work, life uncertainties...) and boredom. They take me on a vicious cycle, and they definitely don't solve my stress and boredom.

Tomorrow I have a big project unfolding at work. It's been really difficult. It doesn't bring as much satisfaction as it normally would. It's the job itself, but perhaps the relapses are also enhancing and multiplying that feeling.

I've managed to reach out to a friend here and share my recent relapses and how they made me feel. It's helped me not freak out after the relapse. And not feel too alone.

I'm thinking of preparing a little trip this weekend, to get some fresh air. Looking forward to it. Maybe, taking it one step at the time, would be to say that I can stay PMO-free until then. One week objective!

Struggling to maintain a presence here. Not sure what to do. All in all, that's how I'm feeling: unsure.

Feeling really "numb" about it: even as I look for porn now, my mind is completely aware of the fact that "it's the thrill of looking for the perfect" that excites my brain the most, and not the content itself. It's like I'm aware yet I don't do much about it. I don't like it.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

And would like to add: I WANT TO STOP USING PORN NOW, because I would love to…

• Start feeling motivated, curious and creative again by Day 7 (Nov 13)
• Start feeling whole, excited and energised again by Day 14 (Nov 20)
• Start feeling sexual desire for people by Day 21 (Nov 27)

These are a bit random, but I’ve put them in my calendar, they help me remember WHY I need to do this. Basically to get out of this numb person porn traps me into!

 

[Androg]

Yes, relapses definitely erode confidence and leave us feeling unsure. Wait until you've been away from porn for a week or two before you expect to think clearly or feel like the world might be making sense again. GL!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 1

Woot woot. Made it through this intense work day. Ended with making a nice cozy dinner with a friend.

Still, I feel exhausted! Will enjoy a good night's sleep.

Not much to say, except like I feel like I may break the cycle of relapse this time.

Grateful for the motivation I found today to do abs in the morning before work!

Will try and do some yoga before heading to bed now.

Looking forward to a nice time outdoors tomorrow afternoon with a friend! Will help with balance