A fresh start for a mountain goat ⛰️

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 11

Feeling good! Enjoying some "holiday" time by the sea. It has an appeasing effect on me.

I feel like ready the EasyPeasy book has planted nice seeds into my head. I remind myself that...

• I'm not giving up anything by stopping using P, on the other hand, I'm gaining a lot! I will not "mope" about it!
• This is not a doom-inducing decision, I'm not trying to climb Everest by stopping using P, it's an 'easy' and joy inducing decision (and, it actually is, I'm smiling as I'm writing this and whenever I've been thinking about it lately)
• P won't help me with boredom & stress - it would actually create those and I'm very much happier without them in my life!
• No peak or substitutes as it would "re-ignite" the process of wanting P (the dopamine rush associated with looking for P, and looking for novelty etc.) ("the thrill is in seeking, not killing")
• (At least for me) there is no such thing as "clean porn" - experience has proven it - even the slightest peak at a "subtle" Instagram picture feeds the little "addicted monster" in me who will then ask for more!

Also, read a really good book that talked about the reward system in our brains (highly recommend this book by the way, a neuroscience book about emotions). It was interesting to read that there are two sub systems in it, the want and the like systems. And they don't work with the same substance! "dopamine was only important for increasing the ‘incentive salience’ ̶ the degree of wanting ̶ of a stimulus, and in turn therefore producing a motivational state to repeat it, rather than for regulating the liking of the stimulus itself." - this confirms what was said in Easy Peasy: that addiction is about wanting. We don't like PMO, we're just highly hungry for the "thrill" of looking for porn, for the perfect clip etc. And in the end, we don't like it, it makes us unhappy etc.

Just re-subscribed to a mediation app for the next 12 months. I really want to make it a habit. It makes me more present, calmer, more grounded, and, helps me with my body pains which to some extent are psychosomatic.

AND! I don't want to forget the realisation I had earlier this summer around...

1. I must face my fears (without P) around (1) loneliness / emptiness and (2) romantic / sexual relationships
2. Self-confidence needs to be boosted via recognising that I'm... (1) a good-looking guy and (2) a guy with a nice personality

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 14

Doing good. Back home after 2 weeks away on semi-holiday.

Lots of little things to do which felt overwhelming but now I'm nearly caught up.

Keep reminding myself about this new "positive" mindset about not using P. This is not something to "mope" about

Met someone nice yesterday. Hope to see her again. Feeling confident that I will!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 21

So glad I reached the 21 day mark and it's actually been... EASY! Despite the half-roughness of life right now with many "situations" -family and friends wise- that I'm trying to live with/ offer support to.

I remind myself that P would only make things worse, and that's I'm actually so much better without it, I feel more motivated, more stable emotionally (or, at least, the lows are a lot more manageable!), more outgoing, more in-tune with my actual feelings (not hidden/distorted by P's highs and lows) etc.

In the midst of this "roughness", I've had a lot of beautiful moments with friends and family recently. Summer brings an air of peacefulness which I appreciate!

Meditation has helped recently too.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 25

Hi guys. Had a lovely weekend, with a chill day and an active day.

Still taking time to meditate. Taking a few great meditation cycles, one around living with pain, one around accepting our own vulnerabilities (vs. constantly fighting them), and, one of "letting go".

Grateful I found a way out of my addiction, where I daily remind myself how good I am doing without it, and, how I'm not giving up anything by putting porn away, I'm gaining a lot! EA-SY! Can't recommend the Easy Peasy book enough...!

In 10 days, I'll be leaving for a big trip/project (6 weeks long). It's a bit daunting. But I'll be with great people. Still, I know it will be a crazy adventure! Trying to both prepare myself as well as accepting the uncertainty of that kind of trip.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

DAY 31

Exhausted but happy, and, a bit emotional. As I told you guys, I'm about to embark on a 6 weeks-long trip that scares me a little bit. And had a lovely weekend with friends, and a bit emotional about leaving to be honest. I know the trip will be amazing, but still, feels funny.

I'm in one of those "landing" moments, where I've been super stimulated and occupied (this intense weekend with friends and tons of activities), and tonight I'm on my own, and taking it easy. Watched a nice TV series, and now will do some yoga stretches, meditation, and then read in bed. I may also want to spend some time reaching out to a friend and share my current feelings.

Last week I allowed myself a nice MO moment. I was in a sort of complex situation: I knew I was going to share a room with friends for the weekend, and I knew that with 26 days without MOing, there was a risk of wet dream (they usually happen to me around this time!), and didn't want the awkward situation of doing that with a friend in the same room... So, after thinking about it, I thought to myself "ok, MO, but ENJOY it, focus on the JOURNEY not on the destination" and I did it as MINDFULLY as I could, focusing on the sensations throughout the journey, being present (basically all the opposites of MO in front of P!).

It felt nice. Very interesting -and for me- not a straightforward experience. I was trying to be mindful of the chaser effect that might come afterwards, knowing that it might create some triggers.

I'll "have" to do the same every two weeks or so in the next 6 weeks, as I'll be sharing a tent with a friend this entire time on my trip, and I really want to avoid wet dreams then (it would be very awkward...). So, on my prescription: mindful MO every two weeks or so, and trying to be mindful of the chaser effect that may come after, to make sure it doesn't wake up the "little addiction monster" in me!

Wish me good luck!

By the way, celebrating one month without P!

 

[TypeN]

Congratulations on one month @the_mountain_goat! That's huge. I will have to check out easy peasy again sometime, when I have some down time...

Wishing you well on your big trip my friend.