Why porn addiction is different when it comes to support

[Weetakker]

Hello, everyone. Some thoughts I’ve been having, and I wanted to flesh them out here.

To start, ANY addiction is hard to disclose to other people. There is shame and social stigma involved in admitting you are an addict.

However, when it comes to porn addiction, I find that it is harder to disclose to others and be open about it—and thus get support and understanding from other people.

An alcoholic can say they are X number of days sober and they’ll get praise, understanding. This has to do with the fact that alcoholism in this instance is talked about and accepted as an addiction, of course. “You’re an alcoholic? Keep fighting the good fight.” And then people move on.

But with porn, admitting you have an addiction will most certainly cause discomfort in the person you’re telling. “Have you cheated on ME?” may ask the significant other. “Has this person fantasized about fucking me?” may think a friend. From then on every look you give anybody is questioned, every action analyzed, not because of how it might affect you, but how it may affect THEM.

(Sure. Other people worry about what an alcoholic or drug addict may do to them when using, but that’s the key point: “when using.” With porn, “using” to others can be perceived as simply looking. So the use is constant. )

Porn addiction has a way to make others feel uncomfortable because porn is intrinsically voyeuristic, which means that the attention is not on the self, but on others. To admit alcoholism is to admit an internal struggle. It allows people to move along. It’s someone else’s struggle. To admit a porn addiction is to suggest you’re constantly objectifying/fantasizing about whoever is interacting with you. Someone who hears you have a porn addiction may want to distance themselves, physically or emotionally, from you ASAP.

Hence what I perceive to be an important difference among porn and other types of addictions.

 

[TryingHarder]

A porn addiction is indeed shameful and hard to talk about. This is why so many people fight the addiction in secret.

I gathered my own thoughts on this idea here.

Be sure to watch Eli Nash's video on the subject.

 

[Weetakker]

I have been reading the accounts of addicts’ significant others (SO) and man, does this addiction inflict damage on the SO.

Reading all these accounts made me think about this post. From the accounts I read, admitting you have a porn addiction to your SO is to suggest to your SO that a) you don’t find them attractive enough, or b) you don’t like having sex with them, or c) you don’t actually love them.

SOs take it personally, and I don’t blame them. I would, too, if I were in their position. And I think that for an addict, knowing that is what keeps the secrecy going—and thus getting support becomes very unlikely because SOs tend to think of the addiction as an indictment on them rather than a problem that someone else has, developed most likely before the relationship began.

I am not trying to excuse the behavior of porn addicts or minimize how SOs rightly feel. They were lied to.

I am simply pointing out how hard is for a porn addict to admit their addiction when they know their SO will take it so personally and possibly break up the relationship.

Of course, a less harmful course of action would have been for the addict to be upfront about their addiction from the beginning, and let their partner then do with that information what was best for them.

But alas, we humans are selfish creatures. How many thousands of people get STDs every day because their partners do not disclose that they have one?

We are all trying to look for some sense of normalcy and comfort in our lives. For a lot of people, including porn addicts who still crave physical and emotional intimacy (and that’s the vast majority of people here, if their stories and reasons for rebooting are any indication) that may come in the form of a relationship. If that relationship has to be built on lies for it to work…well, humans will be humans.

 

[KetchupDrool]

Pornography addiction, like any other addiction, can carry a stigma because it is often misunderstood and viewed as a moral failing or a sign of a weak character. In some cultures and societies, there may be negative attitudes towards pornography and those who use it, which can contribute to the stigma surrounding pornography addiction.

Additionally, pornography addiction can be seen as taboo or socially unacceptable because it involves the use of sexually explicit material. This may lead to individuals feeling ashamed or embarrassed about their addiction, which may discourage them from seeking help or support.

It is important to recognize that pornography addiction, like any other addiction, is a complex issue that can have a range of causes and contributing factors. It is not a moral failing or a sign of weak character, and seeking help and support for an addiction is a courageous and healthy step towards recovery. It is important to treat addiction with understanding, compassion, and support, rather than judgment or stigma.

Reading all these accounts made me think about this post. From the accounts I read, admitting you have a porn addiction to your SO is to suggest to your SO that a) you don’t find them attractive enough, or b) you don’t like having sex with them, or c) you don’t actually love them.

Pornography addiction started long ago, before my marriage. The continued use of pornography inside my marriage wasn't due to me not loving my family or not enjoying sex with my wife; my wife is very attractive. These suggestions, I realize, are just that—suggestions; however, I do not find them to be accurate in all situations. It's true that my addiction came first in my life, putting everything else—including my relationships, and other elements of my life—in last place.

 

[Weetakker]

Pornography addiction started long ago, before my marriage. The continued use of pornography inside my marriage wasn't due to me not loving my family or not enjoying sex with my wife; my wife is very attractive. These suggestions, I realize, are just that—suggestions; however, I do not find them to be accurate in all situations. It's true that my addiction came first in my life, putting everything else—including my relationships, and other elements of my life—in last place.

That's exactly what happened to me as well. My addiction to porn predates every single one of my relationships before I turned 18. Thing is, porn addiction is not the only thing that defines me. I have a stable job, I am highly educated, and I have been married to wife for three years now (we have been together for six). All of these are signs that I want to live a normal life, that I do not want porn to define who I am, despite what the addiction has made me do.

One of the things I read from the SO is the expectation that we are somehow in control of our addictions, and so why can't we do better? Why can't we get our act together? We are, and we are not. We can, and we cannot. It's a constant struggle. It's the nature of addiction. Otherwise, we would have kicked it off a long time ago.

What sucks for the SOs in the case of porn addiction is that, again, they think of it as an indictment on them as people. Additionally, depending on who you are, sometimes when we relapse, that relapse may lead to physical infidelity (that has been my case).

I do not think any other addiction is as damaging to the SO's sense of self-worth as a porn/sex addiction.

 

[Gracie]

@Weetakker I think you are right, there is not an addiction that affects our sense of self worth like porn addiction. For most of us, but not all, the way our husband treats us is different. In my case, the sex dropped of significantly. Then there was the surprise of discovering what he was doing. Our once robust and fun sex life turned into me having to ask. It turned into just doing the deed. It was like we were roommates. Then there were the verbal things he said about his use. That if only I had or had not done something it would not have happened. He pointed out every physical flaw I was self conscious about. Just to excuse the addiction. And at 60, with him choosing to watch women his granddaughter’s age, I knew I could not compete. This was 10 years ago and there was not much about SOS and porn addiction. And outside of YBOP it was mostly it’s a guy thing so do not worry. That was the year the Book Love you, Hate the porn came out. Then I kept researching and we kept talking. It took two years for me to feel we would make it through. And we had been married 27 years. However, I had to get medication because about 5 months in I thought about Suicide.

 

[KetchupDrool]

@Weetakker I think you are right, there is not an addiction that affects our sense of self worth like porn addiction. For most of us, but not all, the way our husband treats us is different. In my case, the sex dropped of significantly. Then there was the surprise of discovering what he was doing. Our once robust and fun sex life turned into me having to ask. It turned into just doing the deed. It was like we were roommates. Then there were the verbal things he said about his use. That if only I had or had not done something it would not have happened. He pointed out every physical flaw I was self conscious about. Just to excuse the addiction. And at 60, with him choosing to watch women his granddaughter’s age, I knew I could not compete. This was 10 years ago and there was not much about SOS and porn addiction. And outside of YBOP it was mostly it’s a guy thing so do not worry. That was the year the Book Love you, Hate the porn came out. Then I kept researching and we kept talking. It took two years for me to feel we would make it through. And we had been married 27 years. However, I had to get medication because about 5 months in I thought about Suicide.

Your story sounds all too familiar. My wife was the one initiating the sex life. Sometimes I participated, or I made some excuse why I didn't want to.

My pornography addiction lead to problems with communication and trust in the relationship. My wife felt that she couldn't trust my actions or words. This led to a breakdown in the relationship. Additionally, the time and energy spent on pornography use took away from the time and energy spent on the relationship, which further strained the bond between us.

SO's, of individuals with a pornography addiction may also feel a sense of shame or stigma, which can make it difficult to talk about the addiction or seek help. They may feel responsible for the addiction or blame themselves for the negative effects on the relationship. It can be challenging to address an addiction, but with the right support, it is possible to overcome the addiction and improve the quality of the relationship.