enoughisenough
Member
I started jerking it in high school, after being told about it by a classmate. I liked it. So I kept doing it. A lot.
I don?t remember when I found online porn. But I know that my earliest porn memory was sneaking a way to do it in the office in 1998 or 1999, the only place that had reasonably high-speed internet access. I was ashamed, but worried that I would get found out one day. I remember one of our volunteers telling me that his company deals with "the dark side of the internet". I think it was his way of telling me that he knew what I was up to, and subtly encouraging me to stop. I didn?t. And that I didn?t tells me that I was addicted even back then. I didn?t know what a slippery slope I was falling down. This is a really sneaky one.
Things ramped up when I got faster internet connection and my own room. I stumbled upon my brother?s online porn stash. My habits continued when I traveled. I was so na?ve that I didn?t think to clear my cache ? or perhaps I didn?t know how to do so. So there I was using a work laptop, traveling, jacking off regularly to porn, leaving my browser history intact, and then letting others use my laptop to search for things. And yet I still did it, even after the embarrassment of a teammate noticing what kind of websites were being pulled up by autocomplete. Perhaps I was more careful, but it was hardly a come to Jesus, ?Wake Up!? moment.
For some of this time, I was in a long term relationship. On the road to breaking up, she noticed the incredible amount of sex-related spam I was getting. She was most upset, drawing the obvious ? and accurate - conclusion that I must be surfing a lot of websites that were leading to that result in my inbox. I hadn?t noticed the accumulation, so it didn?t shock me. Or at least it didn?t really bother me for some reason. I was already dulled to it by then. And ever since then, the patterns have repeated. P
So let me summarize:
For 16 years, almost all of my adult life, with a few minor breaks, I have surfed online porn at least once a week. Sometimes perhaps up to five times a week.
During this time, I have only been in two long-term, committed, healthy relationships ? with B and L ? for a combined total of maybe four years total. In addition, I was in a very unhealthy two year relationship. That's a whole other story. That?s 12 years of being single or being in an unhealthy relationship, with very occasional hookups interspersed.
My sex drive is reduced by jacking off. I mean, if I can meet that need on my own so easily and so regularly, why would I take the risk of talking to a woman I find attractive and risking rejection? My testosterone levels and alpha-maleness are reduced by jacking off, rendering me less confident, feeling less attractive. It is a negative reinforcing loop, a downward spiral, a vicious cycle.
Porn is no longer particularly exciting for me. Often times, I can?t really find a video that is particularly arousing for me. Sure, the girls are often very attractive and the scenes would be great to participate in. But there is very little new for me now. Women are totally objectified for me in porn scenes. I don?t even have a particular, favorite, go-to scene that can?t be topped. They are all much of a muchness now for me.
So why do I still do it? I do it out of habit and conditioning. I do it when I am lonely. When I am bored. When I am tired. When I am stressed. I don?t even do it for sheer sensual pleasure these days. I do it as a release, or a way to numb my pain inside. It is a drug of escapism for me.
It is time to stop. It is time to choose something else. This addiction is getting in the way of me making real connections to women. It is getting in the way of me creating deep, meaningful happiness and joy in that part of my life. I am now going to take my life back.
I don?t remember when I found online porn. But I know that my earliest porn memory was sneaking a way to do it in the office in 1998 or 1999, the only place that had reasonably high-speed internet access. I was ashamed, but worried that I would get found out one day. I remember one of our volunteers telling me that his company deals with "the dark side of the internet". I think it was his way of telling me that he knew what I was up to, and subtly encouraging me to stop. I didn?t. And that I didn?t tells me that I was addicted even back then. I didn?t know what a slippery slope I was falling down. This is a really sneaky one.
Things ramped up when I got faster internet connection and my own room. I stumbled upon my brother?s online porn stash. My habits continued when I traveled. I was so na?ve that I didn?t think to clear my cache ? or perhaps I didn?t know how to do so. So there I was using a work laptop, traveling, jacking off regularly to porn, leaving my browser history intact, and then letting others use my laptop to search for things. And yet I still did it, even after the embarrassment of a teammate noticing what kind of websites were being pulled up by autocomplete. Perhaps I was more careful, but it was hardly a come to Jesus, ?Wake Up!? moment.
For some of this time, I was in a long term relationship. On the road to breaking up, she noticed the incredible amount of sex-related spam I was getting. She was most upset, drawing the obvious ? and accurate - conclusion that I must be surfing a lot of websites that were leading to that result in my inbox. I hadn?t noticed the accumulation, so it didn?t shock me. Or at least it didn?t really bother me for some reason. I was already dulled to it by then. And ever since then, the patterns have repeated. P
So let me summarize:
For 16 years, almost all of my adult life, with a few minor breaks, I have surfed online porn at least once a week. Sometimes perhaps up to five times a week.
During this time, I have only been in two long-term, committed, healthy relationships ? with B and L ? for a combined total of maybe four years total. In addition, I was in a very unhealthy two year relationship. That's a whole other story. That?s 12 years of being single or being in an unhealthy relationship, with very occasional hookups interspersed.
My sex drive is reduced by jacking off. I mean, if I can meet that need on my own so easily and so regularly, why would I take the risk of talking to a woman I find attractive and risking rejection? My testosterone levels and alpha-maleness are reduced by jacking off, rendering me less confident, feeling less attractive. It is a negative reinforcing loop, a downward spiral, a vicious cycle.
Porn is no longer particularly exciting for me. Often times, I can?t really find a video that is particularly arousing for me. Sure, the girls are often very attractive and the scenes would be great to participate in. But there is very little new for me now. Women are totally objectified for me in porn scenes. I don?t even have a particular, favorite, go-to scene that can?t be topped. They are all much of a muchness now for me.
So why do I still do it? I do it out of habit and conditioning. I do it when I am lonely. When I am bored. When I am tired. When I am stressed. I don?t even do it for sheer sensual pleasure these days. I do it as a release, or a way to numb my pain inside. It is a drug of escapism for me.
It is time to stop. It is time to choose something else. This addiction is getting in the way of me making real connections to women. It is getting in the way of me creating deep, meaningful happiness and joy in that part of my life. I am now going to take my life back.
