Thanks for the support, Lyon and Patrick!
I just watched Gary Wilson's TED talk. Wow. If you haven't watched it yet, I strongly recommend it. So clear and compelling. Also, very clear that I am/have been addicted to internet porn. I have or have had pretty much all of the symptoms described to greater or lesser extents. The main one that I have been aware of in recent months has been numbed pleasure response. In other words, it became more and more difficult to find a video that excited me. I would get physically aroused while searching, because that is what I had become conditioned to do over many years, but rarely would I find anything satisfying. But I'd M and O anyway. I was, at that stage, purely driven by conditioning, not conscious choice.
Every day so far, several or many times a day, I've thought about porn. But, now that I reflect with a modicum of detachment, my thoughts have rarely been about the sex itself. It's about how attractive some of the women (the porn actresses) are. This makes me think that perhaps porn use for me, as well as the physical PMO conditioned process, has been at least partly about avoiding rejection with beautiful women. And yet my objective life experience has been that I rarely get rejected by beautiful women, when I make the effort. I have just been sabotaging myself from even getting to the start line.
Today, Day 16, should be interesting as a little experiment. I am having dinner with the girl I've been dating, for the first time in 12 days (I've been out of town). Last time we went on a date, we ended up having sex, but I got ED while inside her. I think it was at least partly down to the condom, because I was able to become hard again without it. But part of it too was down to my addiction. I want to have a strong erection again, even while wearing a condom. That wish has trumped my fear of PE, so I have not masturbated at all for the whole reboot of 16 days. We'll see how this goes.
Anyway. Lots of rambling today. It was a thought provoking video!