enough is enough
- Thread starter enoughisenough
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enoughisenough
Member
Thanks for the support, Lyon and Patrick!
I just watched Gary Wilson's TED talk. Wow. If you haven't watched it yet, I strongly recommend it. So clear and compelling. Also, very clear that I am/have been addicted to internet porn. I have or have had pretty much all of the symptoms described to greater or lesser extents. The main one that I have been aware of in recent months has been numbed pleasure response. In other words, it became more and more difficult to find a video that excited me. I would get physically aroused while searching, because that is what I had become conditioned to do over many years, but rarely would I find anything satisfying. But I'd M and O anyway. I was, at that stage, purely driven by conditioning, not conscious choice.
Every day so far, several or many times a day, I've thought about porn. But, now that I reflect with a modicum of detachment, my thoughts have rarely been about the sex itself. It's about how attractive some of the women (the porn actresses) are. This makes me think that perhaps porn use for me, as well as the physical PMO conditioned process, has been at least partly about avoiding rejection with beautiful women. And yet my objective life experience has been that I rarely get rejected by beautiful women, when I make the effort. I have just been sabotaging myself from even getting to the start line.
Today, Day 16, should be interesting as a little experiment. I am having dinner with the girl I've been dating, for the first time in 12 days (I've been out of town). Last time we went on a date, we ended up having sex, but I got ED while inside her. I think it was at least partly down to the condom, because I was able to become hard again without it. But part of it too was down to my addiction. I want to have a strong erection again, even while wearing a condom. That wish has trumped my fear of PE, so I have not masturbated at all for the whole reboot of 16 days. We'll see how this goes.
Anyway. Lots of rambling today. It was a thought provoking video!
I just watched Gary Wilson's TED talk. Wow. If you haven't watched it yet, I strongly recommend it. So clear and compelling. Also, very clear that I am/have been addicted to internet porn. I have or have had pretty much all of the symptoms described to greater or lesser extents. The main one that I have been aware of in recent months has been numbed pleasure response. In other words, it became more and more difficult to find a video that excited me. I would get physically aroused while searching, because that is what I had become conditioned to do over many years, but rarely would I find anything satisfying. But I'd M and O anyway. I was, at that stage, purely driven by conditioning, not conscious choice.
Every day so far, several or many times a day, I've thought about porn. But, now that I reflect with a modicum of detachment, my thoughts have rarely been about the sex itself. It's about how attractive some of the women (the porn actresses) are. This makes me think that perhaps porn use for me, as well as the physical PMO conditioned process, has been at least partly about avoiding rejection with beautiful women. And yet my objective life experience has been that I rarely get rejected by beautiful women, when I make the effort. I have just been sabotaging myself from even getting to the start line.
Today, Day 16, should be interesting as a little experiment. I am having dinner with the girl I've been dating, for the first time in 12 days (I've been out of town). Last time we went on a date, we ended up having sex, but I got ED while inside her. I think it was at least partly down to the condom, because I was able to become hard again without it. But part of it too was down to my addiction. I want to have a strong erection again, even while wearing a condom. That wish has trumped my fear of PE, so I have not masturbated at all for the whole reboot of 16 days. We'll see how this goes.
Anyway. Lots of rambling today. It was a thought provoking video!
enoughisenough
Member
Day 18. Horny as hell. In an interesting development though, most of the images flashing in my mind are memories of past sexual experiences I have actually had, rather than porn scenes. I take that as a good thing. Instead of pulling up a porn site to just "take care of business" while I am so horny, I texted the girl I am dating to invite her over here. Also, a good thing. Of course, if she can't come over here, then I need to get myself out the house for a while, away from temptation!!! 
ntg2978
Active Member
awesome idea bro! I think this is definitely good progress. I'm in a place where I'm flatlined I think, because I don't really have any sexual desires at all; I don't know which one would be worse lol Keep up the work man, it's definitely paying off, and a lot of people are saying it's best to rewire with an actual woman, so that is great if you can hang out with her and have some fun.
enoughisenough
Member
Thanks for the support, Nate.
So as it happens she didn't come over because she needed to take care of some work. We exchanged some rather explicit texts about our plans for when she comes over on Saturday though. I *badly* wanted to PMO, but I didn't. And now the urge has passed. I am so glad I didn't. I am now starting to live my own life, not a fantasy sex life through porn. Getting there. I feel filled with confidence to take on the world. Tomorrow's a new day.
So as it happens she didn't come over because she needed to take care of some work. We exchanged some rather explicit texts about our plans for when she comes over on Saturday though. I *badly* wanted to PMO, but I didn't. And now the urge has passed. I am so glad I didn't. I am now starting to live my own life, not a fantasy sex life through porn. Getting there. I feel filled with confidence to take on the world. Tomorrow's a new day.
enoughisenough
Member
Thanks Lyon and Fappy. Three weeks in, tomorrow. I really appreciate your support.
And...
ARGH! ED issues again, after I put the condom on, despite not having had an O for 16 days. I think that this time I am actually flatlining a bit, because I wasn't as responsive as I would have expected after that amount of pent up sexual energy, even before the condom issue. I'd noticed a lessened libido the last couple of days, so wondered if that was on its way.
Do things get massively better when you get beyond flatlining? Because right now, it's really frustrating and a bit disheartening.
And...
ARGH! ED issues again, after I put the condom on, despite not having had an O for 16 days. I think that this time I am actually flatlining a bit, because I wasn't as responsive as I would have expected after that amount of pent up sexual energy, even before the condom issue. I'd noticed a lessened libido the last couple of days, so wondered if that was on its way.
Do things get massively better when you get beyond flatlining? Because right now, it's really frustrating and a bit disheartening.
lyon03
Respected Member
Take your time brother. Stop the d*ck obsession. Be a better you, not a better boner. Focus 100% on her pleasure, using everything but your c*ck. Work on intimacy and connection rather than penetration and ejaculation. You are very early in your reboot so be patient. Remember that frustration and negative emotions in general feed the porn addiction. Be well.
enoughisenough
Member
I hear what you are saying, Lyon, and I appreciate the advice. I'm pretty happy, actually, with how life is going for me. Fitness, friends and family, work, contribution, financial, dating. Things are good. But things can always be better, you know? The nature of the human condition...
Anyhoo. A sleep away from 24 days into the reboot. Just got off the phone with the girl I'm dating. I think she wants me from me in the relationship than I am willing to give right now. But at least we are talking about it like grown ups, which is healthier than some other relationships I've been in.
The nature of the human condition... Anyhoo. A sleep away from 24 days into the reboot. Just got off the phone with the girl I'm dating. I think she wants me from me in the relationship than I am willing to give right now. But at least we are talking about it like grown ups, which is healthier than some other relationships I've been in.
enoughisenough
Member
Definitely wanted to PMO today, and this evening. I'm going to go to bed soon to let this urge pass, wait it out. I am one sleep away from 27 days.
I found myself wondering, what is the urge. Is it the orgasm? Yes, that feels good, but I don't think it's the main driver. I think it is the fantasy that is appealing. The addiction is to the fantasy women, the fantasy sex. Weird as it sounds, I miss them. That's the next thing to let go of in this process, and be excited by and happy with real world women, and real world sex.
Be well, fellas.
I found myself wondering, what is the urge. Is it the orgasm? Yes, that feels good, but I don't think it's the main driver. I think it is the fantasy that is appealing. The addiction is to the fantasy women, the fantasy sex. Weird as it sounds, I miss them. That's the next thing to let go of in this process, and be excited by and happy with real world women, and real world sex.
Be well, fellas.
enoughisenough
Member
Well, it's a couple of months since I last posted. In this time, I have regressed to where I started. I clearly recognize that I am addicted. Of the signals below, I see myself in just about all of them. I am willing to seek help, starting with leaning on you guys. All advice welcome.
Signs of addiction:
1) Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses.
2) Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended.
3) Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce or control those behaviors.
4) Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining the object of addiction and/or engaging in or recovering from the behavior.
5) Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities.
6) Frequently engaging in behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
7) Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, academic, financial, psychological or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
8) Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk of behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
9) Giving up or limiting social, occupational or recreational activities because of the behavior.
10) Resorting to distress, anxiety, restlessness or violence if unable to engage in the behavior at times.
Signs of addiction:
1) Recurrent failure (pattern) to resist impulses.
2) Frequently engaging in those behaviors to a greater extent or over a longer period of time than intended.
3) Persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to stop, reduce or control those behaviors.
4) Inordinate amount of time spent in obtaining the object of addiction and/or engaging in or recovering from the behavior.
5) Preoccupation with the behavior or preparatory activities.
6) Frequently engaging in behavior when expected to fulfill occupational, academic, domestic or social obligations.
7) Continuation of the behavior despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent social, academic, financial, psychological or physical problem that is caused or exacerbated by the behavior.
8) Need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk of behaviors to achieve the desired effect, or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or risk.
9) Giving up or limiting social, occupational or recreational activities because of the behavior.
10) Resorting to distress, anxiety, restlessness or violence if unable to engage in the behavior at times.