It's time to change
- Thread starter logicprox
- Start date
I slipped. It's obviously really disappointing. You might think it would be more devastating than losing the much shorter streaks I have lost in the past but I actually feel ok. It's not about the day count. It's about the changes to the brain, to patterns of thinking and behaving. There's no requirement to now go back to exactly as how things were 7 months ago. And I won't. And now I know how far I can go.
How I got to the point where I slipped is a long story. I'll not take the time to walk through everything, but the things that need to change will give some clue.
I need to get consistent on my morning mindfulness again.
I need to (again) stop sitting around watching movies before bed.
I need to replace the non-phone alarm I was using so I didn't have to have my phone by me as an alarm. (The alarm broke)
I need to delete Instagram from my phone again.
I need to stop fantasizing before bed again.
Everything that led me here happened gradually. Lessons learned, everything is fixable.
Of course there's more to it than simply those habits. Work had gotten better but has still been rough, and I got burnt out. The final true end of that will actually be today.
I had a bit of a breakdown a couple weeks ago, that maybe I will explain more about later. The short version is that a lifetime of burying (quite successfully) a lot of repressed feelings originating in childhood finally broke. I'm fine and I'll be fine now, but it's been an interesting couple of weeks. Actually starting therapy on Friday.
Looking forward to typing 1 day again tomorrow. Porn is fantasy, fantasy gives me nothing.
How I got to the point where I slipped is a long story. I'll not take the time to walk through everything, but the things that need to change will give some clue.
I need to get consistent on my morning mindfulness again.
I need to (again) stop sitting around watching movies before bed.
I need to replace the non-phone alarm I was using so I didn't have to have my phone by me as an alarm. (The alarm broke)
I need to delete Instagram from my phone again.
I need to stop fantasizing before bed again.
Everything that led me here happened gradually. Lessons learned, everything is fixable.
Of course there's more to it than simply those habits. Work had gotten better but has still been rough, and I got burnt out. The final true end of that will actually be today.
I had a bit of a breakdown a couple weeks ago, that maybe I will explain more about later. The short version is that a lifetime of burying (quite successfully) a lot of repressed feelings originating in childhood finally broke. I'm fine and I'll be fine now, but it's been an interesting couple of weeks. Actually starting therapy on Friday.
Looking forward to typing 1 day again tomorrow. Porn is fantasy, fantasy gives me nothing.
Blondie
Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @logicprox, I get this.
You got this man.
You're right about this. So much of this is knowing that you CAN do it. Once you understand that, it helps tremendously in the long run.
Truth. I've only recently thought I was okay in this department, but now I know I have a good ways to go. Opening up the past can be a real mind fuck, but it's always one of the keys to move forward for many of us.
You got this man.
I wonder if you also need to apply for other jobs. Your job sounds grueling, and it sounds like they will just use you up and turn you into dust if you stay there.
Good luck with the inner explorations!
Forget about the slip, just take care to get back on the horse!
All the best.
Good luck with the inner exploit Floracion’s.
1 day. Honestly feel oddly great writing that. Back to business.
The worst of it is definitely over. Yes it's a grueling job at times but the Partners I work with were all telling me I have a path to Partner in the next couple of years, which is a very monetarily rewarding path...so I was starting to think earlier this year that I might go for it. Hence why I took on some "opportunities" that ended up being this nightmare.
That said I think I have changed my mind. I am through the worst of it until January, and there are some benefits to staying through January at least, so planning on leaving after that. I am doing a little casual looking in the meantime, and if the right position came up I would consider it.
The worst of it is definitely over. Yes it's a grueling job at times but the Partners I work with were all telling me I have a path to Partner in the next couple of years, which is a very monetarily rewarding path...so I was starting to think earlier this year that I might go for it. Hence why I took on some "opportunities" that ended up being this nightmare.
That said I think I have changed my mind. I am through the worst of it until January, and there are some benefits to staying through January at least, so planning on leaving after that. I am doing a little casual looking in the meantime, and if the right position came up I would consider it.
Well, definitely do what makes sense for you. Hardwork for a worthy objective is different from just allowing yourself to be exploited.1 day. Honestly feel oddly great writing that. Back to business.
The worst of it is definitely over. Yes it's a grueling job at times but the Partners I work with were all telling me I have a path to Partner in the next couple of years, which is a very monetarily rewarding path...so I was starting to think earlier this year that I might go for it. Hence why I took on some "opportunities" that ended up being this nightmare.
That said I think I have changed my mind. I am through the worst of it until January, and there are some benefits to staying through January at least, so planning on leaving after that. I am doing a little casual looking in the meantime, and if the right position came up I would consider it.
2 days.
Totally, and appreciate it. I just don’t think it’s what I want anymore haha.
9 days no PMO.
3 days no MO.
I was 8 days into a no PMO run when I started this new journal. It’s sort of tempting to look at this run and think I am just in the same place but I am really not.
My headspace is much better than it was then. I have learned a lot of lessons. Going through that last run changed me, even if it ended. It’s not about the day count (although I am very much looking forward to getting it back up). Progress doesn’t just disappear all at once because you reset. It’s only if you give in to the reset and let yourself go back to how it was.
Forward instead.
3 days no MO.
I was 8 days into a no PMO run when I started this new journal. It’s sort of tempting to look at this run and think I am just in the same place but I am really not.
My headspace is much better than it was then. I have learned a lot of lessons. Going through that last run changed me, even if it ended. It’s not about the day count (although I am very much looking forward to getting it back up). Progress doesn’t just disappear all at once because you reset. It’s only if you give in to the reset and let yourself go back to how it was.
Forward instead.
Blondie
Respected Member
You got this @logicprox.
Keep up the fight brother!
You're absolutely right about this. If we're continually learning new things about ourselves on this journey, then we're not falling backwards.
Keep up the fight brother!