39 months - What will happen to me ?

Hi guys.

Check out my 36 months post for more background information.

I really don't know how long my PMO past will haunt me. I am really tired of it. I finally want to close this chapter for good. My PMO addiction was beaten a long time ago. But I still have the negative consequences (PAWS) from PMO addiction. So I am still connected to PMO in some way.

I don't work and I didn't work most of the time during PAWS. I am still not part of this society, unfortunately. I am still excluded from society. I live on my savings. Years have passed and I am still a prisoner. It's like all the other people live in their world and I live in my world. As if I am in a parallel world.

I get up in the morning and I don't feel any emotions. I don't feel happy and I don't feel sad. I feel no motivation, no drive and no energy to do anything productive. I don't feel any positive feelings or so-called vibrations in my body and in my brain. I get up and that's it. I am like a robot. I don't feel human. My facial expression is exactly the same most of the time. I look jaded, numb and bored. My brain is still numb. My senses are numb. My brain feels no stimuli. Everything feels exactly the same. I spend most of my time outside in the city. I watch people walking, eating, talking, laughing. I walk 1 hour per day. That's it.

Only people who have been through this themselves can understand. Otherwise, no one really understands you. It's unnatural and a real suffering.

Personally, I think my experience with PAWS so far is worse than the following:

- Death of a loved one or death in the family or when all your relatives die at once.

- Let's say you are rich and you have 100 million in your bank account. You lose all your money.

- Being completely paralysed for 4 years and being in a wheelchair.

- To have a severe fever for 4 years.

- To be blind for 4 years

- To be deaf for 4 years.

- To be mute for 4 years.

- To be homeless for 4 years.

- To work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no days off, for 4 years.

I can only imagine that a very bad disease like MS or cancer or a severe chronic pain could be worse than my previous experience with PAWS.

These success stories keep me alive. They write:

42 months PAWS 1 - Benzodiazepine

42 months PAWS 2 - Benzodiazepine

43 months PAWS 3- Benzodiazepine

Here are 2 more recent posts from me:

Social anxiety - Exposure therapy - My experience

Anhedonia - My experience - Will it ever go away ?

I will publish another post when I have 42 months behind me.

Greetings you suckers ;)

Relentless Observer

Active Member
Good luck with all this. I have had a horrible several years as well. Many of the symptoms you speak of are similar with me. My urination seems to be getting stronger, but i still have weak erections and MW and little response around real women.