Radical Twenty-Four

[Sepul0]

Before I talk about myself, I'll be addressing what some other people have been going through.

When consuming a product, utilizing a service, etc., it's easy to forget that the people behind it are full-fledged human beings. In these instances, we're too focused on how the interaction is benefiting ourselves. Well, what if the interaction is actually harming us? Paired with an especially strong disregard for the wellbeing of the people who made it possible, that could make us feel like complete fools. And considering that we made it here, it has.

I'm sure that for most of the users of this forum, the decision to begin this journey had more to do with how porn was affecting us, and less to do with factors involving the people in pornography. This doesn't mean that we're inherently selfish; We can put some of the blame on the blinding nature of the addiction, along with the enablement of society. However, we all have a responsibility to educate ourselves about the reality of pornography, a reality that's been kept in the dark by the industry and its cohorts. Not only will this contribute to the immense sum of justice that those who have been exploited are owed, it will also aid in our recoveries. Sounds like a win-win, in contrast to the loss-loss yielded by consuming porn.

As for how the people in porn are exploited; Even with my very much incomplete knowledge on the topic, I still have more than enough points to confidently make that claim.

 

[Sepul0]

"Porn performers are people, not objects"

This is a truth that recovering addicts typically begin to comprehend early on in their journey. It's an integral piece of the puzzle, and there's another layer to it beyond that of our own perspective: The objectification committed by the industry itself, which they use to justify their exploitative practices.

There's a plethora of relevant questions that a porn consumer could direct at a typical video

• "Are they out of their comfort zone right now? Is this consistent with their contract?"
• "That didn't look very sanitary, or safe, or even legitimately enjoyable"
• "They're being treated in such a demeaning way. Do they internalize that to any degree?"
• "What were the behind-the-scenes like? Hopefully the video was made in one optimal take, but who knows..."
• "Why can't they just be allowed to act like actual human beings? This stuff is clearly fake. How do they feel knowing that this is how most people see them? In addition to the objectification too of course"
• "How did they get into this line of work anyways? Was there any manipulation involved? Are they adequately compensated in any regard? Do they genuinely want to be in the industry? If they leave it, how will this era of theirs affect the rest of their life?"

When we consume porn, we contribute to the demand for it. We tend not to think much of that though. And even if you're aware of the industry's issues, you might let the daunting amount of pornographic content in existence convince you that your usage isn't making a difference. Well, it may be a very minor one, but it's still a difference. Imagine if every porn addict went sober, how impactful that would be. Porn consumption has a net positive impact on practically no one, yes, but I'm bringing up addicts specifically because there's so many of us, and we need to work as a team. We owe it to each other, ourselves, and everyone who's ever been exploited by the industry. You could argue that we've been exploited by it as well, but in different ways of course. Let's not make this a competition of suffering though, let's focus on making the most of our situations.

 

[Sepul0]

Not only are the people in pornography real nuanced human beings, so is everyone else. Of course, like I said earlier, forgetting this becomes easy when under the influence of porn. Through our warped and selfish perspective, people are reduced to their capability to arouse us. This is already an issue when "contained" to our thoughts, but it gets even worse when it's blatantly expressed through our actions. A particularly egregious example is the creation of deepfake pornography, presenting someone in a very sexually explicit way regardless of how they'd actually like to be presented. And even if we don't take these sorts of actions ourselves, that doesn't mean that we don't enable other people to do so. We might still fuel the demand for these deepfakes, or fail to intervene when social media users are being creeps, or support media of any form that promotes objectification, or etc. Yes, the vast presence of these sorts of things can make them seem inevitable and thus not worth defying, but as you progress through your recovery, your disdain for them will empower you. By no means do you have to dedicate your life to this, not at all. It's just a matter of being less complicit and more sensible.

 

[Sepul0]

I may not write in here very often, but I often have thoughts that are structured similarly to a journal entry, some of which I plan to transcribe practically verbatim in future entries. This leads to having a backlog of things to write about, and since I can't fall asleep right now, I might as well chip away at it.

I'll take a break from the previous trajectory of this journal by talking about myself. I'm 23 years old, American, and different: Diagnosed with Pervasive Development Disorder, practically confirmed to have mild Asperger's, and also may have Tourette's. Obviously there's way more to me and everyone else who can be labeled as having one or more of these conditions, but knowing of my possession of them will help explain the contents of my writing.

I feel decently confident in the current state of my porn addiction recovery. However, I'm faced with a challenge that's proven to be several times more difficult: Resolving my intimacy starvation. I've never had a girlfriend or any real sexual experiences, and this has eaten me up inside for a very long time. It occupies my mind more than the addiction, but due to what this website is intended for, I'll still prioritize the latter in my writing. Of course, the addiction has been a contributing factor to the starvation, which gives me a massive incentive to develop lasting sobriety.

Another inspiration is my close friend @Jinx2109, who I met about 2 years ago through the anti-sexual-exploitation movement. She's a recovering addict herself, and has been a blessing for me

 

[Androg]

Brave man. That's a lot to deal with. Aren't there online dating sites for people on the spectrum? That might be another place to find friends.

 

[Sepul0]

Aren't there online dating sites for people on the spectrum? That might be another place to find friends.

There are, yes. I joined and remained on two of them last year, and was able to get to know someone long-distance, but that connection faded due to our interest in each other only developing so far. I recently left those sites, but I'll continue to participate in other environments that don't specialize in that sort of thing. The latter environments probably have more people who are on the spectrum than the former do anyways due to the significantly larger population. I still believe that neurodivergent women might generally be more compatible with me, but not even close to the point where I consider neurotypical women to not be an option.

I'm content with the quantity and quality of my existing friendships, but becoming friends with someone before starting a relationship with them is ideal; I'll continue to keep that in mind.

Thanks for the compliment, but I'm reluctant to consider my efforts to resolve this issue as "brave". I view bravery as abandoning a state of relative content in an effort to overcome obstacles and achieve something of substance, something that may benefit others more than yourself. I'm not content enough with my life to accept these continuing absences, and I don't expect that to change. However, the "overcom[ing] obstacles" part is relevant, especially given the disadvantageous position that I'm in. As for "benfit[ing] others", that also has some relevance. Obviously finally forming a relationship would do wonders for me, but if it's a healthy one, then it would benefit her as well. I've received the impression that a large portion of women have been mistreated by former boyfriends, and I'd love to provide them with the opposite experience [I'm not at all perfect though, as you'll find out later]. Being intimately alone for so long has severely weakened my ability to take women for granted. On a societal scale, I feel like the pairing of Mistreated with Inexperienced could be a generally solid solution to the existence of those two problems. It should be noted however, that the most ideal solution for Mistreated would be for the exes to refrain from giving their partner reasons for that label to begin with.

 

[Androg]

There are, yes. I joined and remained on two of them last year, and was able to get to know someone long-distance, but that connection faded due to our interest in each other only developing so far. I recently left those sites, but I'll continue to participate in other environments that don't specialize in that sort of thing. The latter environments probably have more people who are on the spectrum than the former do anyways due to the significantly larger population. I still believe that neurodivergent women might generally be more compatible with me, but not even close to the point where I consider neurotypical women to not be an option.

I'm content with the quantity and quality of my existing friendships, but becoming friends with someone before starting a relationship with them is ideal; I'll continue to keep that in mind.

Thanks for the compliment, but I'm reluctant to consider my efforts to resolve this issue as "brave". I view bravery as abandoning a state of relative content in an effort to overcome obstacles and achieve something of substance, something that may benefit others more than yourself. I'm not content enough with my life to accept these continuing absences, and I don't expect that to change. However, the "overcom[ing] obstacles" part is relevant, especially given the disadvantageous position that I'm in. As for "benfit[ing] others", that also has some relevance. Obviously finally forming a relationship would do wonders for me, but if it's a healthy one, then it would benefit her as well. I've received the impression that a large portion of women have been mistreated by former boyfriends, and I'd love to provide them with the opposite experience [I'm not at all perfect though, as you'll find out later]. Being intimately alone for so long has severely weakened my ability to take women for granted. On a societal scale, I feel like the pairing of Mistreated with Inexperienced could be a generally solid solution to the existence of those two problems. It should be noted however, that the most ideal solution for Mistreated would be for the exes to refrain from giving their partner reasons for that label to begin with.

Those are noble ideals.

 

[Sepul0]

In my previous journals, I frequently made edits to old posts of mine, changes that I didn't think of during the pre-posting proofreading. These edits were for a variety of reasons, such as:

• Fixing subpar grammar
• Establishing more context
• Addressing viewpoints that other people might have
• Adjusting or removing irrational writing spawned by stronger emotions

My concern for how having edited posts can make the journal seem disingenuous has grown, so I'll refrain from doing that this time around.

To add on to the discussion of "bravery", that term tends to involve danger and being exceptional. There are risks involved with trying to find someone, yes, but things rarely shift to the territory of the former. As for the latter; This is an endeavor that almost everyone takes part in, I just happen to be under relatively challenging circumstances. Being able to choose your partner is a privilege, one that I don't take for granted. Maybe you could consider the women that try to form a connection with me as brave, due to my arsenal of red flags.

As for me; If I was brave, I wouldn't have relapsed 2 days ago.

 

[Androg]

Be gentle with yourself and keep a sense of humor. Reining in a stampeding appetite that draws strength from your evolved mammalian programming is no joke.

Just keep going.

 

[Sepul0]

Be gentle with yourself and keep a sense of humor. Reining in a stampeding appetite that draws strength from your evolved mammalian programming is no joke.

Just keep going.

I've known that porn is harmful for three years now, so my self-forgiveness levels regarding relapses are weak. I agree with the notion that having a sense of humor about relatively serious subjects can be an effective approach, but I took it too far in my last journal. It was as if my actions were influenced by how captivating of a read they'd be when transcribed, which was often to the detriment of my recovery. I've observed a plethora of tricks that my addict brain has used to tempt me; this one exploited my desire to hone my writing skills[?] and create something of substance.

I started listening to the anti-sexual-exploitation podcast Consider Before Consuming again, the media that informed me of this website. Hearing those reality-centered perspectives has helped keep me in check. I'm also practicing willpower more adamantly, which is especially essential for me given my already-existing mass of incentives.

 

[Sepul0]

My sobriety from porn that began on May 19th has continued, with urges being occasional but not overwhelming. Here are the main secondary goals of my reboot, besides forming a relationship and lasting sobriety from porn:

• Keeping masturbation to a minimum
• Establishing solid gym attendance, and having thorough workouts
• Maintaining a healthy diet
• Developing adult skills (cooking, organization, etc.)
• Taking finances more seriously
• Being a stronger contributor to the anti-sexual-exploitation movement, and not solely through the means of my donations and this journal

One of my incentives for overall self-improvement (specifically in more of a moral sense as opposed to one of ambition) has received more attention from me than usual lately, due to some media that I consumed out of curiosity:

Be the best person you can be, in order to defy the hateful stereotypes pertaining to your demographics

I believe that practically every demographic receives a significant amount of hatred, so this incentive could be used by pretty much anyone. It proved successful in the civil rights victories of my country's past, and even though a large portion of modern prejudice is inspired by other aspects of the past that are now beyond anyone's control (without committing revisionist history), this incentive still holds some value. Obviously the burden of proof is on the person spewing the hatred and not the receiver, but it helps to cultivate more evidence against their claims. Broadening the perspective of these hateful people is probably the most reliable strategy, and as someone who's explored a wide variety of echo chambers, I say that with confidence. It would be great if we could put a stop to all of this by simply saying "Hating entire demographics is bad", but the problem stems from the belief that x demographics are exceptions. The belief that y demographics are exceptions to humankind's capabilities to be prejudice is foolish as well.
On an optimistic note: The people who inflict this sort of hatred seem to be a vocal minority in society overall. I believe that the majority of people consistently judge people on the content of their character first and foremost, as they should.

[When I say "demographics" I'm referring to categories such as race and gender identity and sexual orientation. There are some groups of people who legitimately deserve collective disdain (like human traffickers and people with genocidal ideologies), but obviously this post was not in defense of them]

 

[Androg]

Someone sent me this today: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/V91kENu5hE8

 

[Sepul0]

The belief that y demographics are exceptions to humankind's capabilities to be prejudice is foolish as well.

I meant to say "The belief that individuals of y demographics". Made myself look like a hypocrite lol, luckily no one ever takes things out of context.

The gym that I attend nowadays generally has a quiet atmosphere, so I began to use my workouts as an opportunity to listen to episodes of Consider Before Consuming. Once I'm caught up on them, I'll catch up on and discover similar media.

One of the primary reasons why I gravitate towards the issue of sexual exploitation is because it's relatively black and white. I have a difficult time forming stances on other topics of substance, due in part to something that I said in my previous entry:

[I've] explored a wide variety of echo chambers

This cause feels different to me. I acknowledge that the corresponding groups that I support have their flaws, but I have enough trust in them to give that support. My reasoning is fueled by my personal experiences and those of other people that I know, along with critical thinking. For example: I've learned firsthand that porn can be harmful to the consumer, I've met people who've taken that awful path as well, and it's very believable to me that the porn industry is subpar in regards to morals.

To be honest, another incentive of mine to be a part of the movement is the possibility of getting a girlfriend through it. Being a successful contributor would be an attractive trait to have. Additionally, one of the goals of the movement is to assure people who have been objectified in the past (especially through prostitution and/or pornography) that they're full-fledged human beings who are deserving of love. I don't mean to fetishize the women who've gone through those things, but I'd appreciate the opportunity to enact that virtue.
Self(ish/less)ness is often on my mind regarding the topic of relationships. In this case, I believe that my worries of being selfish aren't very reasonable, taking into account the less self-centered reasons that I want to take part in the movement.

 

[Sepul0]

Someone sent me this today: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/V91kENu5hE8

This was interesting, thanks for sharing. It relates to the attitude of "Criticism of an individual in x demographic is inherently prejudice" that some people seem to have.

Even after all this time, it's still funny to me how my scariest reoccurring nightmares are about jerking off to porn. The realism convinces me that I've relapsed, and it takes some time for me to come to my senses. I had another one last night, one that was especially convincing given the youth of my current sobriety streak. Sometimes the porn-related dreams are more nuanced than just a simulated PMO session, I tend to prefer those ones.

 

[Sepul0]

Spoiler: A clearer face to this journal

Don't I look silly, flaunting my addiction like this? We can keep our usage private, but that doesn't prevent it from influencing who we are for the worse.

As for making ourselves better, notice how the stickers can be peeled off. Recovery is very much possible, and as us journal-keepers know, becoming less private about your porn use is generally an effective strategy.

This picture was initially a bit of a shitpost when I took it a few months ago, but I'd like to think that it's capable of being interpreted in a meaningful way.

 

[Androg]

Spoiler: A clearer face to this journal

View attachment 1081

Don't I look silly, flaunting my addiction like this? We can keep our usage private, but that doesn't prevent it from influencing who we are for the worse.

As for making ourselves better, notice how the stickers can be peeled off. Recovery is very much possible, and as us journal-keepers know, becoming less private about your porn use is generally an effective strategy.

This picture was initially a bit of a shitpost when I took it a few months ago, but I'd like to think that it's capable of being interpreted in a meaningful way.

Thanks for sharing more of yourself, but If this is you, I suggest you delete the picture. The Internet is forever.

 

[Sepul0]

Thanks for sharing more of yourself, but If this is you, I suggest you delete the picture. The Internet is forever.

That's a great point, and I considered it before making the post, but I feel like including the picture is a net positive. Having it in my journal gives me a stronger sense of accountability, and may empower other people to become more comfortable with opening up about their addiction. Not to the extent of associating a picture of themselves with their addiction, but in more conventional ways, like beginning their own journal or sharing their goals with people that they trust.

Don't I look silly, flaunting my addiction like this?
…
becoming less private about your porn use is generally an effective strategy.

Another case of me seemingly contradicting myself, my bad. In the picture, I'm wearing a walking advertisement for a brand that glorifies being addicted to their products as a "lifestyle". Not many people do that sort of thing with porn, but if they did, it would seem especially silly to those of us who are aware of porn's harms. In the context of opening up about your porn use as an addict, you're taking a much more reasonable stance on what porn really is.

 

[Androg]

I think you can make the point without including your face.

 

[Sepul0]

I'm trying to become invested in the journals of others again, but thoughts regarding my own life keep distracting me. My internal monolog and self-centeredness are getting in the way of me being a more helpful member here.

Dating apps have been a bit overwhelming for me lately. I'm almost at the point where I'm done optimizing my profiles (I need to take a couple more new pictures) and un-Incognitoed, but I keep going back to swiping. The fact that I'm doing this less than two weeks into a sobriety streak makes it feel extra pathetic.
I've gradually whittled down my number of dating app/site subscriptions from an unreasonably high amount to just one. Here's a list of the real-world opportunities to meet women that apply to my current life:

• Pickleball
• The gym
• Running errands
• My workplace (we're supposedly going to expand later this year, which would entail hiring more people)
• Places that me and my friends go to when we occasionally hang out in-person

There are some other opportunities that I can try out, not just solely for the female angle of course.

I know that you're not supposed to prioritize finding someone too highly; that it's often seen as an unattractive trait, that it can mess with your judgement, that there's more to life than just relationships, and etc.
I can't help but obsess over this though. My life has been blessed in many ways, causing this relatively-mild-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things predicament to haunt me. I accept that it's my fault, and that it's my responsibility to fix it. And lastly, I refuse to submerge myself in the unjust hatred for others that some people in my position have [I should write about that at some point]

 

[Androg]

I'm trying to become invested in the journals of others again, but thoughts regarding my own life keep distracting me. My internal monolog and self-centeredness are getting in the way of me being a more helpful member here.

Dating apps have been a bit overwhelming for me lately. I'm almost at the point where I'm done optimizing my profiles (I need to take a couple more new pictures) and un-Incognitoed, but I keep going back to swiping. The fact that I'm doing this less than two weeks into a sobriety streak makes it feel extra pathetic.
I've gradually whittled down my number of dating app/site subscriptions from an unreasonably high amount to just one. Here's a list of the real-world opportunities to meet women that apply to my current life:

• Pickleball
• The gym
• Running errands
• My workplace (we're supposedly going to expand later this year, which would entail hiring more people)
• Places that me and my friends go to when we occasionally hang out in-person

There are some other opportunities that I can try out, not just solely for the female angle of course.

I know that you're not supposed to prioritize finding someone too highly; that it's often seen as an unattractive trait, that it can mess with your judgement, that there's more to life than just relationships, and etc.
I can't help but obsess over this though. My life has been blessed in many ways, causing this relatively-mild-in-the-grand-scheme-of-things predicament to haunt me. I accept that it's my fault, and that it's my responsibility to fix it. And lastly, I refuse to submerge myself in the unjust hatred for others that some people in my position have [I should write about that at some point]

Scrolling dating apps can be a porn substitute. So maybe just wait until someone contacts you.

Looking forward to hearing your insights about avoiding resentments in your position.