Ugh, another lie. This is what I've referred to in the past as a "Post-Midnight Post", meaning that it was posted in the very early hours of one day but was written as if it was still the previous day, so that it didn't feel as weird to me. My schedule for the last 3 years has discouraged me from staying up this late, so creating this system shouldn't have ever been necessary. My efforts to avoid doing this in this journal have been a factor in my reoccurring inactivity. I suspect that some of the entries in this one that didn't mention timeframes were posted after midnight anyways.Right now I'm fantasizing about possibly in the future embracing a woman that I was fortunate to match and talk with today, there's a positive thought.
[This became a Post-Midnight Post as I was writing it, whoops. At least it's a Friday]
I've been having more blood flow down there ever since I started talking to this new woman, more than I was having in the now-discontinued era of relapsing multiple times per week. It tends to spend plenty of time in that sort of state when there's a 0.01<% chance that it'll actually be used in a more ideal way in the nearish future, especially during the early stages of getting to know someone.
Matching with her shouldn't have been the catalyst for a new sobriety streak and a significant improvement to my mental health; I should've achieved those things more independently, instead of being unproductive while relying on chance with dating apps.
I didn't even find her profile myself, she found me. I haven't spent much time browsing those apps because of the detachment and lack of confidence that I've mentioned a million times already. I feel like she's more compatible with me than most other women are though. I'm hesitant to say anything else about her at this point, knowing what happened with Tarakī and the other women that I've written about in older journals. And I know that my compatibility theory regarding Tarakī didn't age very well, but even with hindsight, what I'm saying about this new woman now probably applied to Tarakī at the time that I met her. We had some compatibility, just not enough. Ultimately, I was too different from her, especially in regards to our priorities and life stages.
In the message that called off our chances of becoming a couple, Tarakī referred to me as "great". I responded with my own message in which I was able to be more revealing now that I didn't have to worry about preserving things, and mentioned that I'd be cool with chatting platonically if she ever wanted to. She read my response, but chose not to make one of her own. I could interpret this as her changing her mind about my character, but the rational part of believes the most likely reason for her silence is not knowing what to say.Well, what if I take into account everyone else who's advocated for my character?
My handling of the aftermath was far more negative than it should've been, which relates to how I cared about her too much, which relates to some of her reasoning for rejecting me. It irks me to know that despite everything we had going for us, it wasn't enough to overcome the obstacles formed by me being out of sync with my peers. It's so selfish of me to have been putting in so little effort overall into becoming a desirable person over the course of my life, and then expecting to find someone anyways.
[I don't know how to continue this paragraph, maybe it shouldn't even exist in the first place. I'm trying to illustrate how thoughts of self-hatred keep reoccurring, but the execution of it makes me feel like a moron. Isn't that what I want though, more ammunition for self-criticism? But I know that I shouldn't want that. Now what I want is sleep, that'll get me out of this one]