Radical Twenty-Four

[Sepul0]

Right now I'm fantasizing about possibly in the future embracing a woman that I was fortunate to match and talk with today, there's a positive thought.

Ugh, another lie. This is what I've referred to in the past as a "Post-Midnight Post", meaning that it was posted in the very early hours of one day but was written as if it was still the previous day, so that it didn't feel as weird to me. My schedule for the last 3 years has discouraged me from staying up this late, so creating this system shouldn't have ever been necessary. My efforts to avoid doing this in this journal have been a factor in my reoccurring inactivity. I suspect that some of the entries in this one that didn't mention timeframes were posted after midnight anyways.
[This became a Post-Midnight Post as I was writing it, whoops. At least it's a Friday]

I've been having more blood flow down there ever since I started talking to this new woman, more than I was having in the now-discontinued era of relapsing multiple times per week. It tends to spend plenty of time in that sort of state when there's a 0.01<% chance that it'll actually be used in a more ideal way in the nearish future, especially during the early stages of getting to know someone.
Matching with her shouldn't have been the catalyst for a new sobriety streak and a significant improvement to my mental health; I should've achieved those things more independently, instead of being unproductive while relying on chance with dating apps.

I didn't even find her profile myself, she found me. I haven't spent much time browsing those apps because of the detachment and lack of confidence that I've mentioned a million times already. I feel like she's more compatible with me than most other women are though. I'm hesitant to say anything else about her at this point, knowing what happened with Tarakī and the other women that I've written about in older journals. And I know that my compatibility theory regarding Tarakī didn't age very well, but even with hindsight, what I'm saying about this new woman now probably applied to Tarakī at the time that I met her. We had some compatibility, just not enough. Ultimately, I was too different from her, especially in regards to our priorities and life stages.

Well, what if I take into account everyone else who's advocated for my character?

In the message that called off our chances of becoming a couple, Tarakī referred to me as "great". I responded with my own message in which I was able to be more revealing now that I didn't have to worry about preserving things, and mentioned that I'd be cool with chatting platonically if she ever wanted to. She read my response, but chose not to make one of her own. I could interpret this as her changing her mind about my character, but the rational part of believes the most likely reason for her silence is not knowing what to say.
My handling of the aftermath was far more negative than it should've been, which relates to how I cared about her too much, which relates to some of her reasoning for rejecting me. It irks me to know that despite everything we had going for us, it wasn't enough to overcome the obstacles formed by me being out of sync with my peers. It's so selfish of me to have been putting in so little effort overall into becoming a desirable person over the course of my life, and then expecting to find someone anyways.
[I don't know how to continue this paragraph, maybe it shouldn't even exist in the first place. I'm trying to illustrate how thoughts of self-hatred keep reoccurring, but the execution of it makes me feel like a moron. Isn't that what I want though, more ammunition for self-criticism? But I know that I shouldn't want that. Now what I want is sleep, that'll get me out of this one]

 

[Androg]

Congrats on the new potential date. Try not to overthink things for now.

 

[Sepul0]

Congrats on the new potential date. Try not to overthink things for now.

It's funny you say that, because we both admitted to each other early on that we're overthinkers. Doing so has made me feel less nervous with her.

I went to a get-together of sorts today, held in honor of the man I mentioned two entries ago. There are ways in which I could view the experience negatively and use it to fuel my insecurity [I had a difficult time making sense of the commotion, seemingly all of the people in my age range that were there were more conventionally attractive than me], but those pesky thoughts are overshadowed by the ones pertaining to second-familial love.
This makes me wish that I could see my extended family more often, especially the 2nd cousin who likes hanging out with me at the family get-togethers on my mom's side. And I'd love to be able to spend time with Jynx and our shared friends in-person. Their limited presences in my life is still a blessing though.

I'm still pornfree. Her occupancy of my mind thwarts the vile efforts of my addict brain.

 

[Sepul0]

This is looking like one of those journaling eras of mine where my addiction isn't on my mind very often, and I don't feel very inclined to write much about it. How about some more meta discussion then, specifically about my previous journals.

I never really explained why I axed 4 earlier journals, which is especially confusing to those of you who know that almost every other journaler here only ever creates 1. I had a variety of reasons for each deletion, and varying levels of justification. The first deletion was the most necessary by a solid margin, and creating this precedent contributed to the other deletions occurring.
Erasing things and starting from scratch is something that I have a history of jumping to hastily, one that I'm trying to end. It yields annoying consequences, the primary one being the feeling of having wasted my time. In these cases; I worked hard on those entries, and now they don't exist here anymore. However, the main source of this problem isn't this bad habit of mine, but my decisions that led to the journals being deletion-worthy in the first place. I definitely made the right call deleting the first one, and I definitely posted some embarrassingly short-sighted things in there. And I stand by my other 3 deletions.
Creating those journals gave me experience that helps to make this journal more worthy of existence in my eyes, so that's one way in which they weren't a waste of my time. Here's what this journal is doing right so far, by my standards:

• Entries aren't edited and thus appear more genuine
• The codename system has been used since its necessity [and now the Post-Midnight Post system is established too]
• I've grown in maturity, writing skills, critical thinking skills, etc.
• I'm (usually) being less cringe, especially when writing about my romantic interests
• Not as many false promises compared to Journal #3
• I'm staying on topic / tangential-topic more often
• The sharing of my personal information is generally more reasonable overall
• My profile picture is something I created, instead of being the work of someone else (obviously this isn't necessary, but I value it)
• My anti-sexual-exploitation views have been showcased more effectively

I have a hard time imagining that I'd feel motivated to start yet another journal under my standards for quality, so I better not mess this one up beyond repair.

 

[Sepul0]

• My profile picture is something I created, instead of being the work of someone else (obviously this isn't necessary, but I value it)

I've transitioned from writing lies to half-truths. I didn't create the graphic seen on my sweatshirt.

still pornfree still very few urges still focused on other aspects of my life

Right now I'm fantasizing about possibly in the future embracing a woman that I was fortunate to match and talk with today, there's a positive thought.

[Codename: Addie]

I got tired of dealing with my writer's block revolving around writing a poem for Addie, so I came here to deal with struggling to think of a good codename for her instead. I like what I came up with, and unlike "Tarakī", I won't forget what the name means.

Things have been going very well with her, better than they have with any woman in my past. My sense of compatibility with her continues to grow, and has already surpassed the previous record among the women that I've pursued. It's only been a few days and she already means so much to me; and this time the intensity of the feelings aren't as skewed towards the woman, in fact they may be slightly skewed towards myself.

During my last lengthy break from journaling, I read the entirety of the manga Death Note for the first time, having purchased it about a year ago out of curiosity spawned by cultural osmosis. It was a brief fixation of mine that seems to have very slightly influenced how I think. For example, I now try a little bit harder to imagine perspectives other than my own, and I now feel empowered to [euphemism for "manipulate"] people.

Besides the creation and browsing of profiles, and some phone calls and video chats, my experience in the world of dating has been limited to texting. I've always tried to improve my "skills" in this department, but now the degree to which I view texting as a "game" is stronger. I'm pleased with my performance with Addie, and plan to keep optimizing. Arguably the most integral aspect of this is coming across as natural, despite how calculated things are. Of course, this whole thing isn't very sustainable when using verbal communication.

Addie has already made it clear that she's very accepting of me, so this stuff doesn't matter too much. We've revealed quite a few of our "flaws" to each other, some of them overlapping.

Steering clear of manipulation is another major priority with talking to women, one that can be difficult for me to evaluate. Addie comes across as vulnerable to manipulation, so maybe it's not entirely a good thing that she has this much trust in me; but then again, she's constructed her own boundaries, so maybe I'm overestimating her vulnerability.

Although we're already pretty affectionate with each other, she's taking more time than I am to reach enough comfortability to visit milestones, which is totally fair.

Even in the messaging stage, things still feel somewhat distant from being a "natural" human experience. I have some trouble comprehending what being on a date would be like.

I've been feeling this sort of thing again; Finally seeing one of these women in-person would make me feel an essential sense of progress. I really want to hug Addie, and experience so many other things with her too, but I can wait. It'll be so worth it, and it's just a drop in the bucket at this point.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

I mentioned earlier how I'm aware of many ways in which the world is fucked up. I chose to spend a lot of time expanding that awareness today. I ought to just be one of the many enabling sheep that try to ignore the injustices of reality; I'm happier in that state. There's only so much I can do, and I don't have what it takes regardless.
At this point I don't care that the choice is influenced by me being addicted; I'm still an awful person for relapsing. I just completed Day 8, a pathetic number given my circumstances. Wtf was I even thinking during my last relapse? "Hur dur I regretted this the last dozen-dozen times but idc anymore this time 4 real forget the three-dozen sobriety incentives I've got". It's one thing to not bother trying very hard to make the world better, but to damage your own life in the process of enabling a significant societal flaw? And to have the fucking nerve to expect people to spend their precious time reading your journal centered around NOT doing it.

This topic is one of the reasons why I care so much about getting a girlfriend. Having someone at my side will make existence more tolerable.
Yes I am grateful for my existence, no I do not consider myself a primary victim of how unfair the world can be, yes things could be worse, but they could also be so much better.

I just thought of using this post as accountability for staying away from the website that been's contributing to this mindset of mine. I won’t miss the frequent instances of misinformation and dipshit discourse.
My favorite communities were the ones that exposed the ways in which other communities on the same site are garbage; that ought to tell me something.

 

[Androg]

I suspect that the best way we can make the world better is to strengthen ourselves from within. And I think you are right that having a partner helps with that process. The more hole we feel inside, the less susceptible we are to other kinds of distractions.

 

[Sepul0]

During my last lengthy break from journaling, I read the entirety of the manga Death Note for the first time, having purchased it about a year ago out of curiosity spawned by cultural osmosis. It was a brief fixation of mine that seems to have very slightly influenced how I think. For example, I now try a little bit harder to imagine perspectives other than my own, and I now feel empowered to [euphemism for "manipulate"] people.

I don't watch TV/streaming shows, and I rarely read books or watch movies or play video games, so the ones that I consume and enjoy tend to suck me in. This is also due to my mild Asperger's.

I released a sequel to my YouTube video a while ago. This newer one has a few improvements over the original (especially the thumbnail), so I'm proud of it. I want my next video to be of more use to society though, if I ever release one.

Spoiler: The video

It feels awkward to have that writing involving Tarakī in here now that I'm talking to someone else, and it would be even more awkward if this journal contained entries from older journals regarding my romantic pursuits. I want to use those past experiences to improve my understanding of relationship stuff, but it feels wrong to compare the women that were involved with those experiences with each other. I'll say this: Each woman that I've talked to is an awesome person in their own right.

Despite all of the signs of things going well, I felt some decently strong paranoia today regarding me and Addie. I'm hoping to finish her poem by the time of her lunch break tomorrow, and that it will maintain momentum.

I obviously handled the separation from Tarakī worse than I had expected. I'm afraid to think of how I'd react to this connection failing too. Yeah I know that this fear is unhealthy for us, but my personal conviction in the importance of relationships is locked into "unreasonable" territory, causing these sorts of issues. She referred to herself as "very clingy" once, so maybe we can rejoice in that territory together.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

Yesterday, Addie sent me the first full-body picture that I've ever seen of her. She was fully-clothed from the ankles up, but it still literally took my breath away. I take my reaction as a sign of my recovery being effective.

I may be doing alright with her by my standards, but I'm still behaving suboptimally in many areas of life. Making my job more tolerable is a goal that I've had for a long time, so I've been implementing Quality-of-Life improvements around the workplace, many of which can help my coworkers out too. I need to get there far earlier, to make more time to lessen the annoyance of these stupid circumstances that I should've actively addressed far earlier in the 3 years that I've worked there. Of course, these circumstances vary in controllability. We've searched for the best hearing protection on the market, and what we've found is still overpowered by the maddening wailing of the mutilated tree corpses. We've tried to make the most of our pathetic growth-stunting amount of space, but until we FINALLY get that new building next year after all of those delays, we're going to have to continue spending plenty of time and energy and brainpower dealing with it. We have an obnoxiously loud vacuum system and other sawdust-combatting resources, but the devil's dandruff is persistent in tormenting us. We're dependent on receiving items from 3rd-party companies that drop the ball on us in terms of quality enough for me to consider it a power trip. I personally have to deal with inconsistent technology, ranging from common nuisances to innovations in the field of ass-pulling. We end up having to waste a depressing amount of material on a weekly basis, most helplessly due to needing to plane lumber down. My coworkers are brainwashed into playing radio stations that spam the most overplayed songs in the western world, or advertisement-infested Spotify's of other annoyingly predictable songs.
I believe that keeping this job is still in my best interest. I didn't stay up late to be positive though, you kidding me? I did it to rant.

 

[Androg]

Sounds challenging. I assume you’ve tried noise canceling headphones?

 

[Sepul0]

This was the 4th consecutive day in which my messages to her have remained unopened, and the first in which I had barely any obligations to distract myself with.

The timing of this feels like a sick joke: Six nights ago, she told me that she's now comfortable with meeting in-person. I was so close to finally reaching the most personally important milestone of this whole dating endeavor, and I may have lost this chance.

I lack a firm guess on the intention of her absence. She's told me that she'll never ghost me, and that she sometimes has trouble communicating when she's feeling overwhelmed. Based on some things that she's told me, it's very possible that something(s) happened three days ago to put her in such a state. There's some other factors that influence the "Ghosted or Not Ghosted" speculation, one way or the other.

Her "weekend" with her current job begins in 2 days; maybe she'll use some of it to catch up with me. The two of us having an overlapping day off thanks to Labor Day furthers the cursed feeling I have.

I don't like how my feelings about this have been shifting. In the ratio of "Worrying about her wellbeing":"Being frustrated about how I'm affected by this", the latter has gained ground on the former. My weakness as a "man" so dependent on a woman is causing me to see her in a less positive light. Yet at the same time, I have a difficult time imagining myself moving on from her in the event of it becoming obvious that we're done. It's not just my tendency to visualize the connection too far ahead and get lost in it, it's also how good she is for me.

 

[Androg]

This was the 4th consecutive day in which my messages to her have remained unopened, and the first in which I had barely any obligations to distract myself with.

The timing of this feels like a sick joke: Six nights ago, she told me that she's now comfortable with meeting in-person. I was so close to finally reaching the most personally important milestone of this whole dating endeavor, and I may have lost this chance.

I lack a firm guess on the intention of her absence. She's told me that she'll never ghost me, and that she sometimes has trouble communicating when she's feeling overwhelmed. Based on some things that she's told me, it's very possible that something(s) happened three days ago to put her in such a state. There's some other factors that influence the "Ghosted or Not Ghosted" speculation, one way or the other.

Her "weekend" with her current job begins in 2 days; maybe she'll use some of it to catch up with me. The two of us having an overlapping day off thanks to Labor Day furthers the cursed feeling I have.

I don't like how my feelings about this have been shifting. In the ratio of "Worrying about her wellbeing":"Being frustrated about how I'm affected by this", the latter has gained ground on the former. My weakness as a "man" so dependent on a woman is causing me to see her in a less positive light. Yet at the same time, I have a difficult time imagining myself moving on from her in the event of it becoming obvious that we're done. It's not just my tendency to visualize the connection too far ahead and get lost in it, it's also how good she is for me.

Sorry to hear this. Many people get cold feet when it is time to meet in person. This often has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end. It’s a reflection of the person who backs out.

In other words, make no assumptions yet.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

Sorry to hear this. Many people get cold feet when it is time to meet in person. This often has nothing to do with the person on the receiving end. It’s a reflection of the person who backs out.

In other words, make no assumptions yet.

These are good points, and I'd like to elaborate on something that could've contributed to Addie becoming like this.

The way that I treat these women is a tad bit worshippy, I admit, but my behavior is made extra off-putting by the standards set by the guys who make these women Mistreated. Their past actions can make me look like a manipulative phony, and even if I'm believed to be earnest, the relative strangeness can still confuse these women.
The women are still the primary victims in all of this, no matter how much I let these obstacles get to me.

I've been tempted to relapse on P since the first day of her absence. Feeling hopeless about ever finding someone was a major enabler of my relapses that occurred between women, and now my addict brain is feeding me pessimism regarding her absence to exploit that correlation. Not that relapsing would be a good idea even if we're through.

 

[Androg]

[Post-Midnight Post]


These are good points, and I'd like to elaborate on something that could've contributed to Addie becoming like this.

The way that I treat these women is a tad bit worshippy, I admit, but my behavior is made extra off-putting by the standards set by the guys who make these women Mistreated. Their past actions can make me look like a manipulative phony, and even if I'm believed to be earnest, the relative strangeness can still confuse these women.
The women are still the primary victims in all of this, no matter how much I let these obstacles get to me.

I've been tempted to relapse on P since the first day of her absence. Feeling hopeless about ever finding someone was a major enabler of my relapses that occurred between women, and now my addict brain is feeding me pessimism regarding her absence to exploit that correlation. Not that relapsing would be a good idea even if we're through.

Can you think of any activities that would allow you to meet women in real life?

 

[Sepul0]

Addie was the among the best women for me that I could realistically find, and if this silence turns out to be permanent, then it stands to reason that being my current self doesn't work. Therefore, I need to become a different person, in order to become more compatible with more women. Before I met Addie, I thought about attempting an approach to self-improvement that framed targeting the undesirable parts of me as a beneficial form of suicide; killing them off in order to become a different, more wanted person. The way that I've been living my life has failed to equip me with the ability to achieve what is far and away my primary goal; so why should it continue?

My dermatillomania embodies this wrongness. An act of physical self-destruction that brings my internal unwellness to the surface. More addicting to me than porn, and at this point, more difficult to remedy.
Getting a twisted sense of enjoyment from your body while you have no one to enjoy it with you, and making it less desirable as a result; what a stupid and selfish thing for me to do.

There is an area of life that I've made large strides in catching up in this year, placing me not too far behind my peers. It's something that I should've had sorted out years ago, and makes me feel even more selfish and stupid in hindsight than the skin-picking.

It feels wrong to me that someone I care deeply for is likely going through an awful time, and that all I can do is wait until she opens up my messages. I want to be there for her in-person, giving her the reassurance that she needs. And if her silence has more to do with what's been going on between us, I want her to decide that it's salvagable, and voice her concerns to me.

 

[Androg]

I'm thinking it might be good to strive to meet your standards for the best you - whether or not Addie comes around - rather than imagining what others' standards might be.

 

[Sepul0]

Can you think of any activities that would allow you to meet women in real life?

Here's a list of the real-world opportunities to meet women that apply to my current life:

• Pickleball
• The gym
• Running errands
• My workplace (we're supposedly going to expand later this year, which would entail hiring more people)
• Places that me and my friends go to when we occasionally hang out in-person

There are some other opportunities that I can try out, not just solely for the female angle of course

This list still applies.

I'm thinking it might be good to strive to meet your standards for the best you - whether or not Addie comes around - rather than imagining what others' standards might be.

I think that I understand your point. Staying true to myself is the most genuine path, and doesn't require making as many assumptions on a widely varied group of people that I clearly don't understand very well. When I talk about becoming a different person, my ideal movement on the spectrums is more about quality than shifting sideways and retaining less of my former self. I understand why you interpreted what I said in the way that you did though, and I wouldn't blame you or anyone else for not fully understanding what I've said in this post.

 

[Sepul0]

The temperature being inhumanely high when I got out of work today led to me giving in to bedrotting again, which eventually led to me relapsing on P twice. The MO sessions that I've been compulsively doing weren't detrimental enough apparently.
Bedrotting is another behavior of mine that's emblematic of my failures. You don't get someone else to go there with you by wasting your life in it.
I don't really feel like I'm living to begin with. There's a few things that I'm looking forward to, but overall life doesn't feel rewarding right now. And I hate the fact that I'm turning 24 in less than 2 months.
With each woman that I've failed the talking stage with, I've learned progressively less and less from each experience. If Addie is gone, then there's barely anything to learn from my time with her. Barely anything that can lead to changes, at least. I can't change the fact that life is unfair, and that my need to feel romantically validated has evolved beyond societal norms.
My P relapses don't leave much to be learned either these days, now that so many of them have occurred.

Here's an approach to unfucking my life up that partially substitutes my lackluster love for myself with platonic love for someone else: Jynx aspires to become a life coach in the future, so as a friend and advice-receiver of hers, I ought to become a shining example of what she can help others become.

 

[Androg]

The temperature being inhumanely high when I got out of work today led to me giving in to bedrotting again, which eventually led to me relapsing on P twice. The MO sessions that I've been compulsively doing weren't detrimental enough apparently.
Bedrotting is another behavior of mine that's emblematic of my failures. You don't get someone else to go there with you by wasting your life in it.
I don't really feel like I'm living to begin with. There's a few things that I'm looking forward to, but overall life doesn't feel rewarding right now. And I hate the fact that I'm turning 24 in less than 2 months.
With each woman that I've failed the talking stage with, I've learned progressively less and less from each experience. If Addie is gone, then there's barely anything to learn from my time with her. Barely anything that can lead to changes, at least. I can't change the fact that life is unfair, and that my need to feel romantically validated has evolved beyond societal norms.
My P relapses don't leave much to be learned either these days, now that so many of them have occurred.

Here's an approach to unfucking my life up that partially substitutes my lackluster love for myself with platonic love for someone else: Jynx aspires to become a life coach in the future, so as a friend and advice-receiver of hers, I ought to become a shining example of what she can help others become.

It’s not a bad idea to use a desire to help Jynx to get yourself launched. Selfless motives are very powerful. Good luck!

 

[Sepul0]

The way that I treat these women is a tad bit worshippy, I admit, but my behavior is made extra off-putting by the standards set by the guys who make these women Mistreated. Their past actions can make me look like a manipulative phony, and even if I'm believed to be earnest, the relative strangeness can still confuse these women.
The women are still the primary victims in all of this, no matter how much I let these obstacles get to me.

I forgot to mention that they can also feel "undeserving" of my behavior, which can discourage them from continuing things with me. Obviously I believe that they are deserving of it, and it's not like there are women at my doorstep asking to be the one to recieve this treatment.

I might give off the impression that I believe that I'm entitled to having a girlfriend, and that I deserve it more than the men who actually have one. I don't believe that anyone is entitled to a significant other; that's a dehumanizing way of viewing relationships. I'd be lying if I said that there's no such thing as someone deserving a significant other (in general, not a specific person) more than someone else, but that's just the way things are. I'm aware that there are plenty of boyfriends and husbands who fill that role admirably, I'm not that delusional.