Wednesday night I had crazy sex dreams that I woke up from, no wet dream but still - waking up from those dreams always presents urges in the morning and then throughout the day. Otherwise it's been a relatively easy week. Keeping technology use and tv to a minimum is helpful.
I've been on a pretty strict diet and it's been working great, I feel a lot better and have lost about 17 pounds. After the first month I started allowing myself cheat days once a week or on special occasions, which is to help with the longevity of the diet (before you tell me how this is a bad idea, there have been a lot of studies done that this is a good strategy). Anyway, yesterday wasn't a cheat day - I already cheated a couple times this past weekend because of the holiday and birthdays... however I cheated anyway. A cookie, a chocolate bar, and some fried chicken... the strange thing about it was while I was eating it I felt very similar to when I have PMO'd in the past. Hope that nobody is notices me, the excitement beforehand, the pleasure during, and the guilt afterwards, and then getting rid of the evidence so that nobody finds out about it. I know the dopamine rush from the sugar and processed food is what my brain craves, just the same as my brain craves dopamine from looking at porn. I've read about this happening, but experiencing it yesterday was kind of surreal. It made me realize just how fragile I am - even in this area of PMO where I currently feel so strong in resisting - just one day of giving in is all it takes to feel like a punk again.
Today, aside from not looking at porn, I will be heating healthy.
Another week down. Not too much to report on as far PMO goes… keeping busy and away from social media / entertainment. I got to thinking about my last big slip up in the spring… I reported on March 3rd (on day 154 of my streak) that I had been sick and stuck in bed for about a week, but what i didn’t write about is that it was during that week that I started watching TV again. It started out harmless and I was only just watching a tv documentary on Netflix but then that led to me watching other TV shows. I didn’t watch any bad TV shows, Star Wars and things like that, however I can’t help but feel that was connected to the fact that it was March 28th, 179 days clean that I hit the reset button. Who knows, maybe watching tv shows somehow still is connected in my brain that leads me to PMO. Even on seemingly harmless TV there are usually pretty ladies on there, and maybe watching them on a screen somehow links to me wanting to PMO. Maybe I’m just making a big deal over nothing… but honestly ever since I started this streak I have not watched any TV and it really hasn’t been a big challenge to quit, that’s not to say that i haven’t had moments or urges, but nothing that would trip me up unless i really wanted to give in.
Anyway, those are just some of my recent thoughts.