So yeah, those dreams were haunting yesterday - I was fine while i was up and about - but I laid down to take a nap at one point because I had a headache and the moment I laid down thoughts started popping in my head making me want to fantasize... I resisted and everything was ok. Then the same thing happened when I went to bed at night, I made it through again without any issues, but it took some mental effort to resist.
This morning I did MO, though I didn't fantasize or have thoughts about any images, which i used to think was impossible to do. My goal starting out 60 days ago was no PMO and no MO and that still is my goal so i'm going to get back to that, but somehow I don't think this morning was entirely bad, I didn't feel any kind of guilt afterwards - which i used to when I would MO while fantasizing.
As I wrote about on Tuesday I did MO without thinking of any porn images or fantasizing, which i'm really happy that I didn't have those bad thoughts because I have a similar reaction to how I felt after PMO if I MO with bad thoughts.
however I think the last couple days were made more difficult because of that, I found myself wanting to MO each morning the last couple days, as well as I found my thoughts drifting in a bad direction. It wasn't anything that was going to cause me to stumble, i was able to dismiss those thoughts and move on, but I think they kept coming because of the MO on Tuesday.
With that being said, I will be much more careful and not give in to the temptation to MO.
Another week down. I was thinking about the last time I made it to 90 days how I thought that something really would shift in my brain so that I wouldn't struggle with porn anymore. Though the 90 day point probably does have some major benefits, I don't think it really matters how many days I've been free, my brain still wants it, just like it wants sugar and unhealthy food. With 90 days on the horizon, I'm excited to be close to that point again, but also much more realistic this time around that it really doesn't mean anything. I don't think any number of days actually means anything, if I start certain behaviors that have lead to PMO in the past, they will lead there again in the future - regardless of how many days clean I am.
I believe shifting my mindset and confession is super important, believing that I am not a porn addict... but ultimately knowing that a slip up is always just around the corner - a few clicks away.