Seeking Advice from Peers - Married or Long-Term Partners

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hi Friends,

TLDR: I am married four years. My wife is pregnant with our first child, and we are beyond grateful and excited. Trying to conceive with PIED and DE was incredibly challenging, and at times I resorted to looking at porn when it was taking me too long to get hard. When trying to conceive, ejaculation on specific days is a necessity, so I used porn as a tool to get me ready when nothing else worked. I'm not proud of it, but I needed to get there somehow, and it was a last resort.

Now that the pressure to ejaculate is off, I've been rebooting with mixed success. When I've been in the mood, we had great sex. Yesterday, my wife was in the mood and surprised me by wanting to have sex. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to even get semi-hard, and we gave up. She's able to move on quickly, but the feeling of letting her down eats away at me.

I feel like crap. I'm down on myself, frustrated, and guilty that when she tried to initiate sex, I wasn't able to perform.

I'd appreciate any advice, words of wisdom, or perspective on navigating this situation.

Thank you : )

 

[GBS]

Hi @I_Love_Tuscany - I love Tuscany too by the way.

I think there are simple and complicated words of advice I could offer. Simple = reboot WILL solve your problems. Complicated = rebooting is different for us all. It will solve any form of erectile dysfunction but no one here will be able to tell you how long it will take to recover. It is very unlikely to be resolved quickly though.

You say you’re having limited success with your reboot. This begs several questions: did it fail because you couldn’t kick the porn habit? Did you still masturbate not using porn during reboot? How long have you been rebooting ?

best wishes to you

 

[Blondie]

Hi @I_Love_Tuscany, I second @GBS in that a reboot WILL take care of your problems, however, how long that might be is really up to each individual, and to some degree how they go about it. I'm almost two months away from being two years porn-free, and I'm still battling this issue in some sense, but it IS getting better. Over the last six months I've enjoyed the best performance I've ever had down there, and quite frankly, the six months before that were not too bad either, however, this month it's been off and on for whatever reasons. Maybe that's just normal life and I don't know what real "normal" is, or maybe I'm still recovering and getting over this, probably a little bit of both. Either way, I understand how bad it feels to not be able to have sex when the Lady wants it. Yes we can do other options etc. but it never quite feels the same as having your dick working the way it should. Yesterday I posted about all of this on my thread, and it was one of my more emotional post I've ever written here, because I could not believe this could still be a problem for me. But it is what it is, and trust me, it will get better, you just have to put your head down (not because of shame) and go day by day and believe in the process.

One thing I would recommend is to still have sex but don't get off (try something like Tantra sex), or even refrain from it completely if you want to, and I would do this for at least 90 days at minimum. No masturbation, and obviously no porn, and just let your brain heal from all the vacuous orgasmic highs you've given it over these years. If I would do all this over again, I would have done this starting out 22 months ago, because I think it really resets your system quicker the more extreme you go at the beginning. Over the last 22 months I believe I've done this only 3 months altogether out of the 22, and the rest were months of having sex at least three times a week and orgasming too. Obviously there's nothing wrong with Os, but to reset your system and give your brain a sexual break from all the over stimulus seems to be the best method I've seen. However, we're all different, so it is up to each individual to do what they think is best.

This will get better, trust me.

Best

 

[Androg]

Sorry to hear that Mr. Happy was feeling uncooperative. Performance pressure is to be avoided for best results.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Thank you all for your words of reassurance and support. I appreciate it.

I have not masturbated or consumed porn for 60 days or so. I've had several wet dreams, some of which involve me (in the dream) thinking about consuming porn. Some times I wake up and can't recall the dream being sexual at all. The body is certainly interesting!

Whenever I experience PIED with my wife, I am tempted to MO to remind my system of the pleasure and prove to myself the piping still works, but I know that's a BAD idea and will continue to abstain from it.

After four years of marriage and nine years together, my wife has seen me struggle with this issue and has been super supportive. I've been tested for low T by a urologist and was determined to be in the middle-low range, so no medication was recommended. I've had seasons where I felt a higher sex drive and had no problems having sex on a weekly basis. Now I'm in a season where my sex drive seems to have gone on strike, and I don't know when it'll return.

It's just an issue I want to excise from my marriage once and for all, but I think I may need to reframe my perspective and adjust expectations of what "normal" is, to Blondie's point. Any advice on that front would be appreciated, too : )

 

[GBS]

Hello again @I_Love_Tuscany - having got @Blondie and @Androg on your side here is definitely one of my first recommendations! Those guys are the best commentators on here by the proverbial country mile.

I can make some comment about your statement…..

I've had seasons where I felt a higher sex drive and had no problems having sex on a weekly basis. Now I'm in a season where my sex drive seems to have gone on strike, and I don't know when it'll return.

Porn consumption over the years will have hurt your brain. Now, presuming you’re taking this reboot seriously, your brain is hugely confused (understatement). The physical reactions to this confusion are painful to endure. You wonder if your penis is broken. Will it ever come back? Your libido can drop through the floor so fast. The so-called flatline periods of time can make you want to give up. BUT it’s all a very clear sign that your brain is mending, and while it mends the messages it sends you are totally alien to you.

You very slightly have to embrace the reality of the mending brain.

One thing I would recommend is to still have sex but don't get off (try something like Tantra sex), or even refrain from it completely if you want to, and I would do this for at least 90 days at minimum. No masturbation, and obviously no porn, and just let your brain heal from all the vacuous orgasmic highs you've given it over these years.

As Blondie suggests….give it a rest, including sex. The brain has to recognise that something different is going on. If you live in a partly fantasy world, you will probably find your brain is desperately holding on to that. For me that took more than 90 days to deal with, and it’s still around (after 500 days) but it is receding.

The concept of a reboot is obviously akin to a computer being given its factory settings again. Whilst we want that, we probably can’t get it of course. But having sex without fantasy and being utterly present, I am sure, is possible. It takes effort and understanding what you did to yourself, but most importantly what you’re now doing to yourself by mending your brain.

 

[Androg]

Hello again @I_Love_Tuscany - having got @Blondie and @Androg on your side here is definitely one of my first recommendations! Those guys are the best commentators on here by the proverbial country mile.

I can make some comment about your statement…..


Porn consumption over the years will have hurt your brain. Now, presuming you’re taking this reboot seriously, your brain is hugely confused (understatement). The physical reactions to this confusion are painful to endure. You wonder if your penis is broken. Will it ever come back? Your libido can drop through the floor so fast. The so-called flatline periods of time can make you want to give up. BUT it’s all a very clear sign that your brain is mending, and while it mends the messages it sends you are totally alien to you.

You very slightly have to embrace the reality of the mending brain.

As Blondie suggests….give it a rest, including sex. The brain has to recognise that something different is going on. If you live in a partly fantasy world, you will probably find your brain is desperately holding on to that. For me that took more than 90 days to deal with, and it’s still around (after 500 days) but it is receding.

The concept of a reboot is obviously akin to a computer being given its factory settings again. Whilst we want that, we probably can’t get it of course. But having sex without fantasy and being utterly present, I am sure, is possible. It takes effort and understanding what you did to yourself, but most importantly what you’re now doing to yourself by mending your brain.

As you can see, @ GBS is a very wise commentator himself.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Thank you, GBS and Androg.

Your statement "your brain is hugely confused (understatement)" resonates tremendously. I feel so disconnected from my sexual nature at this moment. When my wife asked what she could do to help turn me on a few days ago, I was dumbfounded! I appreciate your advice and perspective on the brain going through its reset and mending process.

 

[Androg]

She sounds very loving. Maybe just reassure her about her attractiveness to you, tell her you want to let your brain heal at its own pace, and ask what you can do for her pleasure in the meantime.

 

[Blondie]

I think I may need to reframe my perspective and adjust expectations of what "normal" is, to Blondie's point. Any advice on that front would be appreciated, too : )

Well to be honest, I'm still working on that myself!

This really is a continuing journey of self discovery, finding out the "real" you after so many years of living in a false sense of self. It really is kind of like the Matrix movie, where you unplug from the world you think is "normal" and "real" to the live in the REAL world of reality. At first, it might not seem quite as "sexy" or "fun", but eventually, you realize you're starting to prefer truth and happiness to the old lies and deceits. I've had my temptations to go back here and there, but I'm beginning to really love this new me and the new world I'm finding along the way

I feel so disconnected from my sexual nature at this moment. When my wife asked what she could do to help turn me on a few days ago, I was dumbfounded!

She seems really sweet and supportive, which is fantastic!

Another suggestion I would give, because she seems so supportive, would be this, besides not having too much sex and definitely NOT getting off, I would also refrain from having her HELP you get up by rubbing an unresponsive dick. I made this mistake years ago, because my rule was, as long as I'm not touching it, I'm good to go. All hands on deck! Thus, my beautiful and "helpful" girlfriend, was rubbing, sucking and doing everything in her power to "help" the rigging up the mast, plus I was getting off to boot. Needless to say, none of this helped besides the fact that it was her and not me doing it, because I was forcing something that wasn't happening naturally. Over the years I had literally forgot that a properly working dick goes up all by itself, and it needs no help or encouragement, thus, any kind of helping just slows down the process of recovery.

I've been tested for low T by a urologist and was determined to be in the middle-low range, so no medication was recommended.

Refraining from Oing does increase T also, so doing this could really help in that department.

You got this!

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Thank you for the continued encouragement and kind words about my wife

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

I forget who said "Comparison is the thief of joy," but it's been difficult for me to hear from my close male friends that they still PMO and have sex with their wives without PIED or ED affecting them. It's isolating and confusing to wonder why they haven't been affected by porn but I have.

Beyond the self-serving reasons, I do like abstaining from porn for ethical reasons, too, but I wonder if any of you have had talks with fellow male friends who, at least on the surface, claim to not have been negatively affected by PMO?

 

[Androg]

Histories are different. For example, some porn users never had long periods of relying solely on artificial stimuli...so they have pathways for both . Some started very early and never conditioned themselves thoroughly to real partners, and now find it hard to do so.

Brains are different. Some people can't touch alcohol without serious repercussions. Others can.

Try to learn to love your brain as it is...and find the silver lining in your particular cloud. You may end up with a better marriage than your more...flexible friends.

 

[GBS]

It's isolating and confusing to wonder why they haven't been affected by porn but I have.

My friend, I do not think the perfect world is one where you can watch porn on your own time and also have sex with your wife without PIED or ED. I think it’s entirely possible that those watching porn (unless they really are the once a quarter types - which I am guessing they’re not) have done harm to their brains too, How many of them are fantasising about someone else while they “make love” to their wives?

You are not isolated anymore. You, my friend, are free.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Histories are different. For example, some porn users never had long periods of relying solely on artificial stimuli...so they have pathways for both . Some started very early and never conditioned themselves thoroughly to real partners, and now find it hard to do so.

Ah. Makes sense. Thank you for that explanation!

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Thanks for everyone's patience with me. I hope you'll indulge another question.

Today, I saw an attractive woman wearing athletic workout gear. I noticed her sexy physique (from afar) and felt a small sexual urge/twinge.

I recognize this situation might be straight, pure objectification and in conflict with my desire to heal and be the best husband I can be.

Having said that...

Isn't it a sign of recovery that I noticed and felt a sexual instinct in response to a real person as opposed to a porn star? Or am I just splitting hairs here?

I've watched Gabe Deem's reboot videos and he does talk about his evolution of not being attracted to real girls to then noticing their beauty as he rebooted.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @I_Love_Tuscany, I definitely wouldn't worry about this. This is a natural as needing to eat everyday. As a red-blooded man, it's inevitable that you will notice attractive women when out and about. In my opinion, this is a great sign of healing in some ways. The only problem with any of this would be

1. Staring at them inappropriately, which is why I like the two-second rule.
2. Letting your fantasies get out of hand and having those "sightings" lead to a relapse. Obviously, any staring when out with your wife should be completely off the table.

Like many things in life, there really isn't any hard black and white rules, just some guidelines to try out and see what works best for YOU. Furthermore, some of these guidelines might change as you go further along in your reboot. Without doubt, you don't want to be a creep or stare at women, and most importantly, you don't want a relapse! Everything else though is up to you and what you feel okay with, while thinking of your relationship as well.

Best

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

Hey @I_Love_Tuscany, I definitely wouldn't worry about this. This is a natural as needing to eat everyday. As a red-blooded man, it's inevitable that you will notice attractive women when out and about. In my opinion, this is a great sign of healing in some ways. The only problem with any of this would be

1. Staring at them inappropriately, which is why I like the two-second rule.
2. Letting your fantasies get out of hand and having those "sightings" lead to a relapse. Obviously, any staring when out with your wife should be completely off the table.

Like many things in life, there really isn't any hard black and white rules, just some guidelines to try out and see what works best for YOU. Furthermore, some of these guidelines might change as you go further along in your reboot. Without doubt, you don't want to be a creep or stare at women, and most importantly, you don't want a relapse! Everything else though is up to you and what you feel okay with, while thinking of your relationship as well.

Best

Hi Blondie,

You'd mentioned in a post above that when things are going smoothly and well for you, you tend to have sex with your girl several times a week. I'm wondering if you've reflected on whether there's a common set of circumstances or conditions that help you feel "in the mood" so frequently?

I recall having constant sex with my wife in the early days of our relationship, but now it's an activity we deliberately have to make time for and not something that happens as spontaneously. Marry that to my fluctuating libido and PIED/DE, and it's definitely not happening as often as we'd both like.

I am wondering if you just saw an improved sex drive as your reboot progressed, or if you also do other things to keep the fire burning hot. Sorry if this question is too intrusive. Please ignore if so!

 

[Androg]

I think regular affectionate (not foreplay) contact is very powerful for priming the pump.

 

[I_Love_Tuscany]

I think regular affectionate (not foreplay) contact is very powerful for priming the pump.

Agreed! I am very affectionate with my wife (e.g. kissing, holding hands, snuggling, hugging). She even calls me Pepe Le Pew haha (the love-drunk skunk from Looney Tunes). But this affection is more so how I am as a person/husband and my love language as opposed to my means of creating a sexual mood. I would show her this affection whether we're having sex every day or on a mega dry spell.

I'm curious if there are other things guys have found that seem to prime the pump especially well. For me, traveling and vacation is king! But consistent sex at home in the midst of work and responsibilities is a challenge.