War of the cycle

[madfranc]

The first couple of days of the easypeasy method have been uneventful.

I have found that this method has taken away a lot of the draw for me. Pangs still come, but I am able to recognise them for what they are and move on with little difficulty. I am still surprised the impact one book has had on my perception.

The key thing that is helping me is the recognition that I didn’t get anything from porn. In fact the only thing it did was alleviate symptoms it itself created. So it follows that I am not actually giving anything up. I do not feel the sense of loss that I have always felt over previous attempts, and so I am optimistic that this is going to continue to go well.

 

[Androg]

“The only thing porn did was alleviate the symptoms it created.”

Brilliant observation.

 

[madfranc]

I’ve noticed since taking this new outlook to porn that it does not hold the same sway. I get the same occasional flashes and pangs, but they are so much easier to ignore now.

I’ve also stopped tracking days entirely and am trying to give it as little space in my life as possible. After all, what is the point of kicking this addiction if it still controls my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I have already given more of my life to this pointless habit than I’d ever like to admit. That is time I can’t ever get back. But I can reclaim my future. A future where I refuse to allow any space for porn.

 

[madfranc]

Sex has gotten so much better. Since giving up porn everything about it feels more intense as I am able to get caught up in it in a way I haven’t for a long time.

It used to be that I would get stuck in my own head, running through scenes or worrying about orgasm. All of that has gone, and I am having the best sex in years. And I can tell my wife has noticed too.

If this alone was my only motivator for never going back to porn, it would be enough. Coupled with the gain in time and freedom from guilt about my consumption, I have gained so much and lost nothing.

Do I still get the urge to peek? Of course I do. But I do not feel a sense of loss when I deny that part of myself. My hope is that in time even the urge will fade.

 

[madfranc]

Today I had another slip. Not a catastrophic slide down a slope into a torrent of porn, but a stumble. Not as bad as it could have been, but worse than I would have liked. I’m here to hold myself accountable and right myself before the ground comes away from under me again.

The frustration of all of this is I felt I had turned a corner. Things were going well. As before I do not feel I have lost all of my progress, but I did allow myself to become complacent. I am never going to watch porn ever again. That is my mantra. That is my goal.

But I need to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix it. I believe most of my triggers come from my phone. A device I hate to admit I am more attached to than porn. Got a spare five seconds? The phone is in my hand. Going to cook dinner? Let’s put a video on in the background. Feeling the urge? Open up your favourite website.

I need to dramatically limit my usage, and until I do I am fighting a battle on two fronts. So the plan now is that once I am done writing this, the phone is set down and not used recreationally again today. Then the next day. And so on.

There are other parts of my life that deserve more attention than my phone. And I need to learn to cope without the constant fix of dopamine my brain craves. So here we go again. Wish me luck!

 

[Androg]

I find that audiobooks are less risky than clicking for novelty. So, when you need some background entertainment, while you do a chore or project, you might try that option.

 

[madfranc]

Despite my slips I am still feeling positive about this journal. My streaks may seem meagre to most, but for me they have been huge.

I cannot stress how deep into the porn pit I was. Every chance taken. Any free time given up. It wasn’t even about the jerking off. A few minutes alone would lead to the opening those same pages. Honestly I don’t know what I got out of this shit.

The cravings can be sneaky. Sometimes I can fall into the pattern without realising until it is too late. It’s like my brain switches to autopilot and that part of me takes over. To most this would sound insane, but I know I am in a place where people can relate. It still makes me uncomfortable how easily this happens, but I am getting better at denying it.

We all know the road to recovery is never a straight line. But I am moving forwards. I am making the active choice not to rather than the passive choice to give in.

 

[madfranc]

I’m trying to stay focused today, but my brain is making it tough.

These next two days are when I have the most free time, and so the risk is greatest. And my brain knows it.

I have been fighting urges all morning as my mind comes up with excuse after excuse why it is ok. Every task or distraction somehow leads to the same thoughts.

So I am here to remind myself what I’m doing, and try to shift my focus back. I know this is a passing thing and that it will get less over time. But for now it is just about getting through today.

 

[madfranc]

I’ve not posted on a short while. Since last time I have had successes and failures. I’m probably about a week now porn free and feeling pretty positive.

This was of course following one huge binge which I felt really set me back. I feel it is important to remember this journey is not linear. And it is important to maintain a focused mindset so as not to fall into old patterns.

Today I’m ill and feeling like shit. So just trying to remind myself that it is not an excuse to cave to any temptation.

 

[Androg]

I’ve not posted on a short while. Since last time I have had successes and failures. I’m probably about a week now porn free and feeling pretty positive.

This was of course following one huge binge which I felt really set me back. I feel it is important to remember this journey is not linear. And it is important to maintain a focused mindset so as not to fall into old patterns.

Today I’m ill and feeling like shit. So just trying to remind myself that it is not an excuse to cave to any temptation.

Be patient. Things will level out. Ups and downs are normal, especially during withdrawal.