War of the cycle

[Will Stalwart]

The first couple of days of the easypeasy method have been uneventful.

I have found that this method has taken away a lot of the draw for me. Pangs still come, but I am able to recognise them for what they are and move on with little difficulty. I am still surprised the impact one book has had on my perception.

The key thing that is helping me is the recognition that I didn’t get anything from porn. In fact the only thing it did was alleviate symptoms it itself created. So it follows that I am not actually giving anything up. I do not feel the sense of loss that I have always felt over previous attempts, and so I am optimistic that this is going to continue to go well.

 

[Androg]

“The only thing porn did was alleviate the symptoms it created.”

Brilliant observation.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’ve noticed since taking this new outlook to porn that it does not hold the same sway. I get the same occasional flashes and pangs, but they are so much easier to ignore now.

I’ve also stopped tracking days entirely and am trying to give it as little space in my life as possible. After all, what is the point of kicking this addiction if it still controls my thoughts, my actions, and my life.

I have already given more of my life to this pointless habit than I’d ever like to admit. That is time I can’t ever get back. But I can reclaim my future. A future where I refuse to allow any space for porn.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Sex has gotten so much better. Since giving up porn everything about it feels more intense as I am able to get caught up in it in a way I haven’t for a long time.

It used to be that I would get stuck in my own head, running through scenes or worrying about orgasm. All of that has gone, and I am having the best sex in years. And I can tell my wife has noticed too.

If this alone was my only motivator for never going back to porn, it would be enough. Coupled with the gain in time and freedom from guilt about my consumption, I have gained so much and lost nothing.

Do I still get the urge to peek? Of course I do. But I do not feel a sense of loss when I deny that part of myself. My hope is that in time even the urge will fade.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Today I had another slip. Not a catastrophic slide down a slope into a torrent of porn, but a stumble. Not as bad as it could have been, but worse than I would have liked. I’m here to hold myself accountable and right myself before the ground comes away from under me again.

The frustration of all of this is I felt I had turned a corner. Things were going well. As before I do not feel I have lost all of my progress, but I did allow myself to become complacent. I am never going to watch porn ever again. That is my mantra. That is my goal.

But I need to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix it. I believe most of my triggers come from my phone. A device I hate to admit I am more attached to than porn. Got a spare five seconds? The phone is in my hand. Going to cook dinner? Let’s put a video on in the background. Feeling the urge? Open up your favourite website.

I need to dramatically limit my usage, and until I do I am fighting a battle on two fronts. So the plan now is that once I am done writing this, the phone is set down and not used recreationally again today. Then the next day. And so on.

There are other parts of my life that deserve more attention than my phone. And I need to learn to cope without the constant fix of dopamine my brain craves. So here we go again. Wish me luck!

 

[Androg]

I find that audiobooks are less risky than clicking for novelty. So, when you need some background entertainment, while you do a chore or project, you might try that option.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Despite my slips I am still feeling positive about this journal. My streaks may seem meagre to most, but for me they have been huge.

I cannot stress how deep into the porn pit I was. Every chance taken. Any free time given up. It wasn’t even about the jerking off. A few minutes alone would lead to the opening those same pages. Honestly I don’t know what I got out of this shit.

The cravings can be sneaky. Sometimes I can fall into the pattern without realising until it is too late. It’s like my brain switches to autopilot and that part of me takes over. To most this would sound insane, but I know I am in a place where people can relate. It still makes me uncomfortable how easily this happens, but I am getting better at denying it.

We all know the road to recovery is never a straight line. But I am moving forwards. I am making the active choice not to rather than the passive choice to give in.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’m trying to stay focused today, but my brain is making it tough.

These next two days are when I have the most free time, and so the risk is greatest. And my brain knows it.

I have been fighting urges all morning as my mind comes up with excuse after excuse why it is ok. Every task or distraction somehow leads to the same thoughts.

So I am here to remind myself what I’m doing, and try to shift my focus back. I know this is a passing thing and that it will get less over time. But for now it is just about getting through today.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’ve not posted on a short while. Since last time I have had successes and failures. I’m probably about a week now porn free and feeling pretty positive.

This was of course following one huge binge which I felt really set me back. I feel it is important to remember this journey is not linear. And it is important to maintain a focused mindset so as not to fall into old patterns.

Today I’m ill and feeling like shit. So just trying to remind myself that it is not an excuse to cave to any temptation.

 

[Androg]

I’ve not posted on a short while. Since last time I have had successes and failures. I’m probably about a week now porn free and feeling pretty positive.

This was of course following one huge binge which I felt really set me back. I feel it is important to remember this journey is not linear. And it is important to maintain a focused mindset so as not to fall into old patterns.

Today I’m ill and feeling like shit. So just trying to remind myself that it is not an excuse to cave to any temptation.

Be patient. Things will level out. Ups and downs are normal, especially during withdrawal.

 

[Will Stalwart]

For the last week or so I’ve been totally spinning out. I dove back into the toxic pit of consumption and have had real trouble stopping. Even just now I am here after crumbling to the urges again.

I have tried to tell myself to come here each time. But a combination of frustration and refusal to admit everything has stopped me. I had hoped if I could manage a few days free and I could get back to it. I realise now I need to swallow any pride, and instead vent. It is in these times we need it the most.
At times it is like battling an entirely separate entity in my own head. The contesting wills could not want more different things. I visualise it as a black shifting mass that pushes aside everything else to fulfil what it needs. It’s tendrils snaking out and twisting how I think until I slip up and it can take hold.

My best successes tend to be when I spend more time here. Remind myself what I’m doing. Keep myself accountable. So that is my aim over the next week. Each day a post. Each time tracking how I’m doing.

Right now I feel like shit. I know the only to feel better is get past this first part and show myself that I can get past this.

 

[Androg]

For the last week or so I’ve been totally spinning out. I dove back into the toxic pit of consumption and have had real trouble stopping. Even just now I am here after crumbling to the urges again.

I have tried to tell myself to come here each time. But a combination of frustration and refusal to admit everything has stopped me. I had hoped if I could manage a few days free and I could get back to it. I realise now I need to swallow any pride, and instead vent. It is in these times we need it the most.
At times it is like battling an entirely separate entity in my own head. The contesting wills could not want more different things. I visualise it as a black shifting mass that pushes aside everything else to fulfil what it needs. It’s tendrils snaking out and twisting how I think until I slip up and it can take hold.

My best successes tend to be when I spend more time here. Remind myself what I’m doing. Keep myself accountable. So that is my aim over the next week. Each day a post. Each time tracking how I’m doing.

Right now I feel like shit. I know the only to feel better is get past this first part and show myself that I can get past this.

Keep in mind that you may also need an in person, or online support group with daily check-in and sponsor. It can be hard to get traction at first.

Good luck!

 

[Will Stalwart]

Keep in mind that you may also need an in person, or online support group with daily check-in and sponsor. It can be hard to get traction at first.

Good luck!

This is something I will definitely keep in mind if my efforts continue to fall short. For now I’m going to keep going on my own one last time. If I still cannot break this, it is something I will likely seriously consider.

 

[Will Stalwart]

First day is over. And as first days go it has been pretty smooth sailing. Work has kept me busy, and I even found time to exercise.

The exercise was the most helpful for my foul mood. It had been a couple of weeks since I was last able to fit it in, and I was clearly worse for it. It was tough to motivate myself, but overall mood is massively improved.

Work should continue to keep me occupied until the next couple of days so opportunities to fail should be few. The real challenge comes at the weekend when I find myself with spare time.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I have some free time now, which can be dangerous. Especially this early on. And so here I am.

The urges are definitely there as that dark part of my brain twists it’s tendrils into my thinking. Nudges and promises leading the to usual mental gymnastics which I need to stop before the spin out of control completely.

Every time I make the decision to quit, that decision is forever. But forever always ends too soon, as I stumble into another relapse.

But we have to make the decision again. And we have to make it with the conviction that it will be true this time. That we will never succumb again. Because if we do not make this choice with every part of our being, it leaves a crack in our armour. A rift where that twisting mass can seep in and take control.

I have read a lot of journeys here recently where people have slipped from the path. And that slip has led to another and another. Each time resolve clearly weakening. Each time conviction dampening.

This has been my cycle. Each failure causing another crack until I crumble entirely. Fall back into the pit until it’s so bad I return with renewed conviction.

That is what I’m trying to break. That is what needs to stop. And so here I am, committing whole heartedly to never watch porn again. Again. And I believe this time will be the last.

For those who are struggling with their own relapses, do not fall into my cycle. It is a path to repeated failure. The road to freedom may not be a straight line. But we will never succeed without that belief that this is the last time. Every time.

 

[Androg]

It's not your imagination. Relapses do weaken future resolve, just as successful resistance makes it easier to resist in the future. Even research shows that the way to strengthen willpower is to practice willpower. Simple...but not easy at first. And not easy when you hit an emotional bump in your life.

All the best!

 

[Will Stalwart]

Keeping it short today rather than my normal ramblings.

Third day down. Got plenty to keep me busy until tomorrow. All is well.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Day 4 and managed to keep myself busy enough that I didn’t have much else to think about.

Still going well, but it is interesting that just opening the browser to come here triggered an automated response that wants me to open up other content. I saw someone call it the script, which I find fitting. It is something I have followed before without realising before it was too late. But today once I am done here I have lined up more to keep me busy for the final stretch.

 

[Will Stalwart]

What an afternoon. After a day of keeping myself fully occupied, I’ve ended the day waiting at the side of the road for someone to help with my broken down car. It’s now sitting in a garage and I’m now sat in bed.

Eventful as it’s been, I’m now alone with my thoughts. Of course creeping urges and needs are tempting me. Just a quick one before bed it’s saying. So here I am instead to remind myself what I’m doing. Day 5 down.

 

[Androg]

Sorry to hear about the car.