War of the cycle

[Will Stalwart]

20 days and counting. My best run in a long time.

I’m trying to ascribe as little time and thought to any of this as possible. Minimise it from my life. But it isn’t easy. Some days go by quickly, other days when I find myself with spare time can be really tough.

I came across a tip recently which has helped (probably from another journal on here). Simply getting up and moving whenever the urge gets too strong is often enough to break the thought pattern. It’s by no means a magic bullet, but has allowed me to pull myself back from some tight spots on this run. Hopefully this simple thing can help others too.

Whatever happens next, this stretch shows that I am moving in a positive direction, and that perseverance will produce results in the end.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Well damn. Slipped up yesterday. Not in a big way but it puts me back to 0.

Like before I want to focus on the positive. Each time seems to be a little easier and each relapse less severe.

I’m setting a target for myself to reach a month this time. I think with the progress I’m making and with a solid goal in mind it is absolutely achievable. And I’m hoping once I reach this it will be easier to reach my next target.

It may not be smooth sailing but I feel I am slowly clawing my way free.

 

[Will Stalwart]

An update following my last day 0. That reboot didn’t last long. Not even a day actually. It lead to the heaviest relapse I’d had in a very long time. The whole thing stretched over a couple of days where I could not seem to help myself, indulging every old craving and vice, spiralling madly down the rabbit hole.

To say I felt like shit doesn’t cut it. It was a genuine vile disgust that I could slip into the old cycles so quickly. It seemed like any progress I’d made, any changes to attitude were washed aside by the addiction, as it took me right back to where I started and then some.

Then the strangest thing happened. I stopped. But not like before, where I stopped and felt the constant itch, clinging to each day free day by my fingertips. I stopped and just haven’t given a shit since. It’s been two weeks and I can’t say I’ve once been tempted.

I wish I could explain it.

Maybe this is one of those lulls, maybe I’ll fall into a trap of complacency. But all I know right now is the thought of porn turns my stomach. Even talking about this now, even thinking about it, I am not tempted. Maybe sometimes you really do need to hit bottom for a change to stick.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @Will Stalwart, just get back up and keep on moving. I was there myself, just not very long ago, going back to all "my favorite stuff" and yes, I felt like total shit afterwards. There's nothing like knowing you're going to feel like shit, but telling yourself maybe this time it will be different!

Then the strangest thing happened. I stopped. But not like before, where I stopped and felt the constant itch, clinging to each day free day by my fingertips. I stopped and just haven’t given a shit since. It’s been two weeks and I can’t say I’ve once been tempted.

This is good. Keep on moving.

Best

 

[Will Stalwart]

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted here. I found that time away has been beneficial for me and helped keep my mind off porn altogether.

That’s not to say I’ve had a perfectly easy go of it, but I’ve had one of my best runs during that time.

I’m currently a few days without porn (unfortunately there was the dreaded slip) but overall I feel things have been going well. I’m dropping in now just to reset my thinking before having another solid break for freedom.

One thing I’ve learned over the last month and a half is that it is good to find another focus, and build new habits. When we make no porn our only mantra it takes up so much of our thoughts. And with it so constantly on our mind it must be inevitable we will fail.

Becoming a well rounded person means more to me than getting rid of porn (though it is a huge part of it). But I have been focusing on getting back in to shape with exercise every other day. And when I’m at home I find other things to consume my time. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, there’s always something else. I also make sure I am spending at least an hour each day writing.

Because of this I find less and less time is left where I can dwell on porn. And now I have the added benefit of being in better shape, with a cleaner house, and I spend a whole lot of time writing rather than forever scrolling on my phone.

I hope everyone else here is doing ok. I plan on diving into everyone’s journals before I take my leave for another stretch. Everyone approaches this differently, and it is about finding what works for you!

 

[Will Stalwart]

Making a quick post after my worst ever slip. Need to remind myself what I’m doing. Things were going well and for whatever reason I spiralled out the last few days. Yes it lasted days.

Feeling pretty bad about it. And if I wasn’t here I’d probably still be going. Damn this thing can catch you when you least expect.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’ve allowed myself a short time to mope about my slip up. Whichever way you look at it, it doesn’t feel good to break in such a substantial way. It can feel like you’re straight back to square one.

But I worry that allowing myself to sit around dejected is asking for further trouble where this is concerned. One thing I have learned is that the headspace I am in can play a major role in my success. If I let it keep me down then I’ll inevitably cede to the craving over the next few days.

So, time to move on. It happened, I’ve acknowledged it, and I can’t change it. I can choose what to do moving forward, so I choose not to let it pull me down.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’m finding myself spinning out. Today was another binge that ended with me feeling bad about myself.

An unfulfilling act that gained me nothing and left me feeling worse. It’s hard to understand why I go back. I get the addiction of it all, but even so, it provides nothing good.

For now I think I need to check in a bit more regularly until I can get my head back in the game. Because after today I’m struggling to trust myself and my decision making again. An truly unpleasant feeling after making, in my mind, considerable progress.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear this @Will Stalwart. We've all been, mine too long ago. All we can do, is prepare ourselves for a better streak, by learning what happened and keep on moving.

best

 

[Will Stalwart]

Appreciate the support @Blondie . It’s a new day and another chance. Fortunately I’m pretty busy for the next few days which should give me a solid chance to break from the rut.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’ve been through some ups and down the last two or three weeks trying to get back on track. Now I finally feel I’m back in a positive rhythm and have made about a week so far with little trouble.

The game changer for me was going back and listening to the easy peasy method again. The last time I had real success it started with that book, and revisiting it again has helped put me back into that frame of mind.

Honestly it is something I should have revisited as soon as I felt myself spiralling. I find I really works for me, and I honestly believe I can break the cycle permanently using this method. If you haven’t tried it yet, I highly recommend it. And just maybe it will work for you too.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Just got to the end of the easy peasy method for the second time. It has been the most helpful book that I’ve ever used, and was almost enough for me to break the habit before.

Unfortunately, last time I started using again. But that was a failing on my part, not this method. Having finished the book again, it has reminded me of the lessons that resonated with me before.

I find that with this book it is so much easier to shrug off any craving, and that it genuinely doesn’t feel like I’m giving something up.

Is it a perfect cure all? No. Will it work for you? Maybe.

What I will say is that if you haven’t tried it, please do. It was a game changer for me, and maybe it could help you too. After all, there is nothing to lose in giving it a try.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Still going strong with very little difficulty. This has to undoubtedly be the best I’ve ever felt about a reboot.

It may still be early days, but previously I’ve always felt like I was missing something and the pangs would eventually catch up to me. For whatever reason it feels like things are falling into place now. I’m hopeful this will continue and looking forward to never watching this stuff again.

 

[Will Stalwart]

As an aside to my normal posts. I had a look recently over on another forum. I felt it might be helpful to have the perspective from a wider range of people. And that if I was struggling I could read through even more journals to help me through. Well. It seemed a sensible idea.

Got to say though, the vibe was very different and a bit intense. Something seemed off. Safe to say I prefer the insights of the people of this forum, and made me appreciate the journals of the members.

So if you come across this post, keep being awesome, wherever you are in your journey to recovery!

 

[GBS]

Just keep going @Will Stalwart - when it becomes really difficult you know right there that you’re being tested, and what you have done has got you to the difficult bit. Some people never even get to the difficult bit. You got this. Be strong. Be brave.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Felt more urges the past couple of days. I managed to shrug them off by just reminding myself that ANY porn would take me back down the rabbit hole. That is not something I am willing to allow myself to do. The pangs are not so bad when I really stop and consider what my brain is doing. But they can certainly be tricky if I allow complacency.

I feel my porn free days are so much more productive. The time gain is a huge and noticeable improvement. Add to that I don’t feel so shitty about my skulking habits. I am now of the mantra of, if I could go back an never watch porn for the first time, would I? Of course I wouldn’t, so why would I ruin this now.

On a side note the vivid dreams are back. They always seem to land about this point of a reboot for me. I feel it is my brain starting to adjust and return to normalcy.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I fell again. I’m here immediately after finishing to try and put myself back together. I still don’t know what happened but I want to keep myself honest and own up straight away.

I feel like shit now after feeling so positive. It has been a real blow to me and I just feel I need to vent.

Right now I feel guilty as hell. And so damn depressed. This is the worst feeling after a relapse I have had, and I think it is because I was so optimistic before.

I can’t keep doing this cycle. It makes me feel aweful and I often take a week or so to fix myself. This time I feel worse but I can’t allow a week to go by before I fix it. I need to stop this thing that makes me feel like this. It has to end for good. There is nothing good about this habit. It just brings pain and suffering. I don’t want to feel like this again. I have to be done this time and never look back.

 

[Will Stalwart]

I’m back again after another slip, and I need to stop myself before I can’t. I find posting here lets me reframe and start moving past it.

Any slip feels bad and this is no different. Once again my hungover state got the better of me.

But logging in I was surprised to see how long it had been. A month and a half is a good run for me, and I can honestly say that up until this point it’s been smooth sailing.

I am still annoyed at myself for the slip, but also encouraged that I managed so long without noticing. I think if I’m to truly move forward and get past this, I need to try and focus on this. It shows me I can do it and it can be beaten with just a little more willpower during the tough times.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Been a while since I landed back here. Too long in fact. Old habits do indeed die hard.

While I went through a stage of being incredibly positive, those bad habits crept back in a bit at a time. Every time an excuse or a pass. As we all know by now, by that point it is already game over.

Straight off a bender and feeling like shit I’m dragging my sorry self back here. I’m not going to go into every detail of the failing, but look at what I can do moving on.

I'm in an ideal situation for the next month. Very little alone time and not many excuses to slip. While I go I want to build in some good habits to help fill the void that’s left behind. But for the next week or so my only goal is abstinence.

Wish I could say it is a pleasure being back. But I do value the support and people here, and oftentimes just reading your journeys gets me though a tough patch.

So. Here we go again. And as always, this time we aim to break the cycle.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Couple of days in now and going well. The usual urges are about but nothing I haven’t gone through before.

What does really annoy me is that I have to do this again. That I’ve let myself get back to this. The early stages are always the hardest and it’s hard to keep out of the melancholy and self loathing that I know will lead me back to all the stuff I'm trying to cut out.

Focus has to be on the what I am trying to achieve here. On cutting out the poison and how much of a better person I am without it. It’s one day at a time, and each one gets easier.