War of the cycle

[Will Stalwart]

20 days and counting. My best run in a long time.

I’m trying to ascribe as little time and thought to any of this as possible. Minimise it from my life. But it isn’t easy. Some days go by quickly, other days when I find myself with spare time can be really tough.

I came across a tip recently which has helped (probably from another journal on here). Simply getting up and moving whenever the urge gets too strong is often enough to break the thought pattern. It’s by no means a magic bullet, but has allowed me to pull myself back from some tight spots on this run. Hopefully this simple thing can help others too.

Whatever happens next, this stretch shows that I am moving in a positive direction, and that perseverance will produce results in the end.

 

[Will Stalwart]

Well damn. Slipped up yesterday. Not in a big way but it puts me back to 0.

Like before I want to focus on the positive. Each time seems to be a little easier and each relapse less severe.

I’m setting a target for myself to reach a month this time. I think with the progress I’m making and with a solid goal in mind it is absolutely achievable. And I’m hoping once I reach this it will be easier to reach my next target.

It may not be smooth sailing but I feel I am slowly clawing my way free.

 

[Will Stalwart]

An update following my last day 0. That reboot didn’t last long. Not even a day actually. It lead to the heaviest relapse I’d had in a very long time. The whole thing stretched over a couple of days where I could not seem to help myself, indulging every old craving and vice, spiralling madly down the rabbit hole.

To say I felt like shit doesn’t cut it. It was a genuine vile disgust that I could slip into the old cycles so quickly. It seemed like any progress I’d made, any changes to attitude were washed aside by the addiction, as it took me right back to where I started and then some.

Then the strangest thing happened. I stopped. But not like before, where I stopped and felt the constant itch, clinging to each day free day by my fingertips. I stopped and just haven’t given a shit since. It’s been two weeks and I can’t say I’ve once been tempted.

I wish I could explain it.

Maybe this is one of those lulls, maybe I’ll fall into a trap of complacency. But all I know right now is the thought of porn turns my stomach. Even talking about this now, even thinking about it, I am not tempted. Maybe sometimes you really do need to hit bottom for a change to stick.

 

[Blondie]

It's okay @Will Stalwart, just get back up and keep on moving. I was there myself, just not very long ago, going back to all "my favorite stuff" and yes, I felt like total shit afterwards. There's nothing like knowing you're going to feel like shit, but telling yourself maybe this time it will be different!

Then the strangest thing happened. I stopped. But not like before, where I stopped and felt the constant itch, clinging to each day free day by my fingertips. I stopped and just haven’t given a shit since. It’s been two weeks and I can’t say I’ve once been tempted.

This is good. Keep on moving.

Best