Brother in this battle - My path to freedom

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Freerider

Active Member
Day 31 and 12. One month without porn! Actually feeling bad. My dick is not working when we have tried sex with my wife. Im scary and aftaid and frustrated about that. It is like my entire self-esteem based on that failure. Im not that guy whose dick is not working, i just need a little masturbation and maybe porn to proof that its working. And if i do that i am in that shitty rabbit hole again with all addiction shit again. So i try to be happy without that shit but i am not happy because i feel like failed looser and feel bad and my english doesnt have the words for all of that depression. I try to hope that better times are coming and this rebooting is key for that. Keep going guys!
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 32 without porn but day 0 without masturbation. I still want to continue reboot. Sex addiction is my sickness, i am responsible of it and want to continue reboot. Feeling sadness but sure what i want. Took cold shower, it immediately gave better feeling.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 33 no porn and day 1 no mo. I hope that I learn and get power for sober life and and live my life in healthier way. Life is happening now so its important to find good ways to live now. Yesterday jogging and some sport and look movie after work. Pretty good.
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Freerider

33 says is one hell of an achievement. I think (rather obviously) that we have no idea how much we harmed ourselves. Undoing that harm takes time. Your dick will return to normal, and better than that because you probably can’t remember what real normal was, it will be a huge improvement. But my personal opinion is that you have to probably give it (including sex with your wife and masturbating) a rest for a while if you can. Have you discussed this with your wife? Does she know what you’re handling? You can have sex with her without ejaculation of course.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
GBS said:
Hi @Freerider

33 says is one hell of an achievement. I think (rather obviously) that we have no idea how much we harmed ourselves. Undoing that harm takes time. Your dick will return to normal, and better than that because you probably can’t remember what real normal was, it will be a huge improvement. But my personal opinion is that you have to probably give it (including sex with your wife and masturbating) a rest for a while if you can. Have you discussed this with your wife? Does she know what you’re handling? You can have sex with her without ejaculation of course.
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Thanks for your comment! I told to her on somehow about my bad habits with masturbating and porn year ago and told i stop it and can handle it. (I have tried last 4 years somehow to get out of this and masturbating and watched porn maybe twenty years on some level) Somehow same flatline happen last year that my sexuality went broken when i stop masturbating and porn..it took maybe two months last time. Somehow i was back in that porn watching and masturbating again in last spring. problems with normal sex starts again maybe in end of october and i took total quit for porn in second of december. How you have told to your wifes or girlfriends about reboot and that situation?
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 34 and 2. Tried briefing technicues yesterday for relaxation and emotion controlling. Somekind of meditation i guess..
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 35 and 3. I understand that if i can feel good and bad feelings (without using porn or masturbation to change feelings or feel more) it would be quite amazing. Mostly feeled bad feelings and being sad but also got good moments. I try to find something good from everyday life. There is always good things also. I have lot of goals about sport and renovating etc, but if i can be present in this moment and breathe and feel its not necessary always try to get some more or be in better condition. Just be and accept yourself, forgive for yourself also, smile and think that everything is alright or at least will be allright. Thats something! Even if this is sometimes bad its better than escape from life in some unreal. Stay strong, be happy, relax, its just life even we or I had mess things, everything is alright!
 
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Freerider

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Day 37 and 5. I think somekind of concentrate problem and brain fog has came even partly from this dopamine hunting with p and mo. Its good to see if this helps for those also.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 38 and 6. I'm afraid of failure and I'm afraid of my job. I want to escape those feelings i have. My adult years mostly I've run away. I need an escape route. I'm scared. Its scary but huge possibility if i find other solution to handle my feelings. Lets see.. keep going guys! that is why the best men are put into these pmo battles because these are hardest battles!! I dont want to fight alone, i hope that Jesus walks with me on these reboot days and you guys are also on this forum. We will live day by day forward with this shit and get well some day. I have been alone with this reboot and shame this, which is weird. Somehow it shows dark inside of me and its hard to take that in spotlight.

Edit > my best message to here today and what i do on the same say.. so masturbation day 0. I fail it. :( honest is only thing i have, so i have to report fails also here…
 
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Freerider

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Day 39 no porn, day 1 no masturbation. Go to office, its easier to work there. Disappointments are part of life, still little depressed when doing things different than wanted.
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Hey @Freerider - every day when open your string and the first thing I do is see if your no PMO number is going up. I breathe a nice sigh of relief when I see it climbing. Then I look for your no MO number, and hope that’s climbing too. Sometimes it is. I think you’re doing great. I don’t preach, but I would politely suggest that you’re going to find it easier to kick the PMO the more you also control the MO. Be vigilant and strong mate.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 40 no porn, day 2 no masturbation. I am desperated and feeling great at the same time :) this is great and awful. Trip is destination. Freedom from that shit. All the time goes not to watch porn and not to masturbate. So there is no time to do anything else. And there is all the time.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 41 and 3. Vulnerable, i want to fix and make that kind of trust in my relationship that i and my wife could be vulnerable and open each other. Somehow when i say loud these kind of wishes, somekind of depression truck drive over me and say to me that its not possible, you are fucking loser and cant do that. Dont you remember what happened last time when you hoped to be something good and open and it took something like 30 seconds and you act out your old habits with masturbation and porn. Still i want and hope i can be who i am and be free from all chains of masturbation and porn.

This is good, i can feel and be sad about little more spesific things than just depression of all things. I think its good, i could be even sad about those things i just just noticed which havent been 100% honest from my side in my relationship because of pmo lies.
 
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Freerider

Active Member
Day 45 and 0. I have found a chain of events where I end up healing myself with masturbation. there is uncertainty, fear, feeling bad, running away from the situation, longing for love, fear of failure. I'm trying to feel better but masturbation is not real answer for healing now. That circle has power for me and i cant resist from it with willpower. Stressed about work, working from home, wife on business trip and thats how it goes.. although that fail with masturbation i feel it like a huge step that i have been already 45 days without porn now. Thats great! Somehow i have to find way how to handle situations where i always have used masturbation for surviving method. Then i am stronger for against masturbation also. Now i am weak and have no solution to handle craving.
 
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