9 YEARS PORN-FREE!

[Rex]

lyon03,

You are so right about the brain fog.  I am 6 days PMO free and the usual brain fog is gone.  I am finding my thoughts are sharp and I am multitasking and getting things done faster and more efficiently compared to just a few days ago.  The times when I would go on a PMO marathon usually after I would go cold turkey for a couple of days, I would be like a zombie staring into space most of the day.  I couldn't get anything done my brain was so numb.

Good job keeping yourself busy going to the gym and staying away from the TV shows and movies.  I can't tell you how many times I would see a good looking woman in a TV show or movie nude or scantly dressed, and those images would pop into my head later that evening or the next day pushing me to fall into PMO. 



And congrats on getting to day 36 free from PMO.

 

[2heal]

This is such an inspirational and motivating journal.  Thanks for sharing.  You've convinced me I need to work harder in the gym (and otherwise) - diverting my attention from porn and MO to something constructive.  I've been through so much of what you have described, it's almost uncanny.

 

[jstock]

Everything  you talk about lyon is me. I really  like the part about concentration. I've noticed  a huge change in mine. I can listen to people,  and understand them. It's almost  like I can hear better
I know that sounds odd.  My life is so much better  I'd love to have some sex, or rub one out. I'm not going to
I think that wouldn't  be good for me

 

[lyon03]

Day 37: Good morning and thank you for your kind posts. I find the encouragement very helpful. Today will be another nail in the coffin of my PMO habit. The addiction is dead, embalmed, and soon to be buried FOREVER. I like myself and my life too much without PMO to go back. And even if I relapse, I now have the tools and lifestyle to keep porn out of my life long-term.

Today is going to be a GREAT day. As I've written before, I'm battling to win back my concentration. Just 10 days ago my attention span was a paltry 3 mins. I've since built that up to 2 hours at a shot. Today I'm going to go the full 8 hours of solid work. That's not just 8 hours of being at the office, that's 8 hours of non-stop (and timed) work. I'll check in later today with my victory message. Then it's off to spend the weekend with my BF and work off all of this sexual energy I've been building up for the past week.

It feels very good to be alive.

 

[lyon03]

Day 38: quick post as I'm spending the weekend with my BF. All clean/sober here. Will post more Monday PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi Lyon,

Hope the weekend is going well with the BF! Read through your journal. Man, you have had to deal with a lot between the wife, kids, and in-laws! It's amazing that you had the discipline to keep beating this addiction while coming out and going through a divorce. One of the big reasons I failed in my last attempt was the stress of finishing my dissertation. But this has to be nothing to coming out and the divorce. I've found your post really inspiring!

 

[Poker]

Have a good weekend friend....  you deserve it.

Cheers,

p.

 

[lyon03]

Day 39: All clear/sober here. Wishing you the same. Thanks for your kind posts. Will post more Monday. Love to all.

 

[lyon03]

Day 39 (cont'd): Back at home and on the computer so I wanted to post an update. WARNING: I am gay and this post refers to gay sex. If that's a problem, please take your fist and hit yourself in the face until you understand that me liking men is not a choice, nor proof of moral bankruptcy, and won't turn you, nor anyone you care about, gay. 

Still PMO free and very proud to be a no-fap warrior! Had an AMAZING weekend with the BF and his great group of friends. (He lives about an hour away from me in the nearest city.) My work goals got shot to sh*t Friday as I was able to leave early for the weekend. After years of PMO, my concentration is sh*t and I'm slowly retraining my brain to work. For others who have gone through this, it's not easy. I am still confident I'll meet my goal of 8 continuous hours of work/day (that's timed, not wanking at my desk) this coming week and will keep you posted.

Getting back to the weekend, I'm working very hard to be more generous, a better listener, and generally not a PMO b*tch. I feel I'm getting there and this weekend was fantastic on so many levels. My BF had a friend staying in his guestroom and the walls are so thin we never had sex. In the past, this would have made me as pouty as a wronged boozy girlfriend at prom. But this time, NO PROBLEM. It was actually fun being intimate through just kiss and touch. PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary. As such, my body wouldn't even react to porn. Well just 39 days PMO-free, I get rock hard through such wonderful senses as touch and smell. I feel like I have the d*ck sensitivity of a 14-year old. The downside of a teen-like heavy petting session was such painful blueballs I actually walked with a pronounced limp for 30 mins. Anyhow, we'll see each other again Wednesday which will be a welcome relief.

While important, there is much more to life than just sex. This weekend was the first time in years that I listened to people, shared openly and honestly, and was genuinely being myself. Smokers often say that when they quit smoking, their taste buds light up. They forget how delicious food can be without the cigarettes. I think porn is like that with your emotions. Until I stopped using porn, I had forgotten how rich and delicious life can be.

Thanks for reading. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!!!

 

 

[nobother]

PMO trained my brain for instant gratification. Years of porn robbed me of the self-control required to manage things like stress and sexual urges. It also took away my wood. Well not any more! The other result of PMO and sexual abstinence is healthy sexuality and rock-hard boners. Near the depths of my PMO addiction, I had zero erections. My brain was so addicted to dopamine's seeking/arousal (read up on it!) that erections/orgasms became secondary.

Well put.  Gay or straight porn robs us.  We are here to take it back and not repeat the behaviors that started this crap.

Congrats on your recovery.  You sign off with "Stay strong.  PORN IS NOT AN OPTION"  Well, I say Amen to that.

 

[horpio]

8) Sounds great lyon3. Life is good.

 

[lyon03]

Day 40!!! For all fellow Christians out there, this is a very symbolic number. 40 days and 40 nights no PMO. While surprised I've made it this far, I worked harder at killing my addiction than I have on anything else. While still a newbie, I can sum up my baby steps of sobriety in the following phases:

PHASE 1: WTF! I had quit many times before so this phase felt a bit like anticipation.
PHASE 2: Withdrawal/education. My brain started f*cking with me to get its fix, but I beat that down by learning everything about porn addiction. Knowledge 1 / Withdrawal 0.
PHASE 3: Drunk chick at prom. This was an emotional roller coaster. I went from euphoric to crying at Sia's 'Chandelier' (at the gym no less.) Very very angry at the addiction.
PHASE 4: Early recovery. I started to gain confidence and reconnect with people. Post-withdrawal, I realized the extent of my addiction and the damage it had done to my life. This is a more reflective stage. Life had colour, taste, and texture again.

So that's where we are today. Happy, somewhat nervous, but every day gaining the strength and confidence to rebuild a life without the porn addiction. I'll keep posting daily until at least 90 days and hopefully will drop my crutches and run again. Thanks for reading and stay strong. PORN IS NOT A F*CKING OPTION.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Dear Lyon03 -

I am gobsmacked with your journey. You, my out-and-living-an-authentic-life-of-honesty-and-acceptance-of-ALL-your-beautiful-faults have got your sh*t if not together, at least in small accountable piles.

Addicts are, in my single-subject research experience, willful and narcissistic selfish beasts when it comes to demanding everyone hold their secrets or at least endure the secret-protecting boundaries of behavior that fortify the entitlement of the addiction and thus keeping true and authentic recovery in the future rather than in the here and now. That may be too long and grammatically manky for embroidery on a dish-towel or a snappy quote line, but I believe it to be true after about 500 days as a recovering SO.

Here are the highlights that I admire about you -

You understand that honesty is the only path to true intimacy. Coming out to your wife and the significant people in your life wasn't easy I imagine, but you recognize the cost of keeping secrets for yourself and others. You have bulldozed through the secrets, for yourself and your loved ones, a pathway for honest relationships. Many addicts will keep their secret life secret (often poorly), leading to mistrust and poor or non-existent intimacy (both sexual and non-sexual). Many will defend not telling the SO and then blame the SO for not engaging. The people you care about might not understand now what a gift honesty is, but that is what it is - a rare gift.

You have claimed ownership of your own spirituality. Your being, the way you choose to relate and accept other beings in the world is powerful. In this regard you shine on, you crazy diamond.

You are courageous in your love and respect. I read one of your posts and was blown away with the compassion and brutal honesty you offered to another wounded person. I ache for all to have this level of courage. Walking on eggshells got most of us here. Too many of us, addicts and SO's alike, think that kind of delicate dance is respect for others. Walking on eggshells or around the truth is not respect; it sure isn't love.

That's all for now, because I don't want to seem like I'm blowing sunshine here or starting a fan-cult. I just hope you sprinkle that good ju-ju around.

Have a great week.
SORP

 

[lyon03]

As I just messaged, thanks sister. I am a bit self-conscious for two reasons: first, I've actually become a cautionary tale; and second, your post is longer and more eloquent than anything I've ever written here. For your next share, please use more profanity, CAPS, and my favourite expressions like 'rub one out.' As you and others have long written here, recovery has two speeds: f*ck it ALL CHIPS IN or fold. Forty days ago, I was such a different person my journey is nothing short of a miracle. But you have to want the miracle, work for it, and stop bullsh*tting yourself. Addiction is nothing short of the longest, nastiest, and most pathetic death possible (akin to being beaten to death by a gang of French mimes). By challenging and beating addiction as you two courageously have, we choose to live, love, and perhaps hurt. But now I'd choose life's most exquisite pain to wasteful wanking to another badly-acted porn video. Keep spreading the word and good karma. Signed, your crazy diamond. 

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I'm no brother, brother.

 

[lyon03]

Noted and corrected above. Thanks sister.

 

[lyon03]

Day 40: Just about to call it a day here in Europe. While business was good, I'm still struggling with getting to my 8 hour workday. BUT I WILL CONQUER!!! And it's starting to seriously piss me off which is usually when I take action. Will keep posting about this latest struggle. When I get pouty, I unfortunately tend to offload (either virtually or in person) on my ex-wife which is the oldest trick in the addict's playbook. But now I've learned to just walk away. She too needs to heal after years of abuse and neglect the poor thing.

This is a note to all married Rebooters:

1. Your wives are not responsible for your porn addiction so stop blaming them.
2. Her (insert strange medical condition) preventing her from having sex with you is bullsh*t.
3. She made up the (insert strange medical condition) because women don't find porn addict husbands desirable.
4. Accept full responsibility for your addiction, tell your wife everything, apologize genuinely and profusely, get a sponsor/accountability partner, post daily, stop PMOing and heal.

I know from experience. No one is a better liar than I was: a closeted gay husband with a porn addiction. With a resume like that, who wants me over for Christmas dinner? I worked in mistruths like Renaissance painters work in oils. Here is another secret: your wives can smell the bullsh*t a mile away. But the glass houses rule certainly applies. A divorcing gay dad and former PMO addict shouldn't be throwing any stones.

So I'm going to read a bit and then get a good night's sleep to try for my 8-hour day again tomorrow. I have to admit, today was a struggle. Dealing with the kids, the ex, their impending move, my daughter's morning tears all tested me today. But I didn't give in because PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Thanks for reading!


 

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Lyon,

I got behind over the weekend on reading your post but sounds like a lot has happened! But, for what it's worth, the most pressing thought that comes to mind is about the focus issues. After 40 clean days, my gut feeling is that the brain fog should have cleared (and I'm sure a lot of it has). But I do have one question: how's your diet? For me personally, I can't focus/work for shit if I'm loaded with carbs. If your diet is okay, it makes me wonder if you have adult ADD (I have ADD, so not casting stones here). When I'm off my meds, I can't get shit done! Just a thought-I hope this doesn't offend you. I only hate to see you beat yourself up if it's a medical issue.

The other thing that blew me away is your Christianity! I know I'll get some hate for this, but it always shocks me to find gay Christians, considering what the church has done (and still does in many cases) to our kind. I know this isn't true of all Christians, but it is certainly true of Catholics and most Protestant demoninations in the US. It's a little bit like an African American joining the KKK (question: are "African Americans"/black people called African Americans in Europe???). Anyway, not trying to start some drama, but would love to hear your response to this (and sorry for deviating from the focus of this forum)!

Oh, and the other thing that really hit me was your statement "As you and others have long written here, recovery has two speeds: f*ck it ALL CHIPS IN or fold." That is so true! And it scares me, because you can be all hardcore and then boom, you fuck up. So fast. But this isn't something that lends itself to half-adding it, so all we can do is move forward.

Btw, despite your r?sum?, I would invite you to Christmas dinner.

GRINDR IS NOT AN OPTION!

 

[chiefmitch88]

I appreciate that you can be an inspiration to others (myself especially included for the PAA suggestion) even in the midst of a rough day. Glad to see you made it through. I suppose it helps us to get out of our self-centered minds to come and post on other rebooters' journals. Shared experiences bond us together.
"We happy few, we band of brothers."

 

[lyon03]

Day 41: Morning all! That's it. Today is the day. Today will be my 8-hour workday even if I have to kill someone. Yesterday I was starting to relapse into b*tch mode. I now understand that my triggers are guilt and isolation. Not going to go down that road anymore. My ex-wife, lovely woman that she is, got out the snippers and made a play to cut off my b*lls yet again but I've miraculously grown them back overnight. She charged up her arsenal of tears, guilt and shame (or 'TGS' as I call them) but I survived. So the no-PMO warrior has returned! Three weeks until my solo trip to Israel and everything is planned. 3 nights Jerusalem (including New Year's), 3 nights in the Red Sea resort of Eilat for scuba diving, kite surfing, and poolside drinks, and a night in Tel Aviv (Israel's gay capital) before flying back home. Can't bloody wait. Love and prayers to all. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION!