9 YEARS PORN-FREE!

[lyon03]

Just wanted to respond to Johngalt:

1. Religion/Faith: I'm no bible-thumper brother. I'm actually a lapsed Catholic who loathes going to church....too boring. But through another program, I've understood there is a higher power and that by giving over to God/community/others, you battle the selfishness that feeds addiction. Unfortunately, faith is linked to conservative (read: anti-gay) politics in the US but not so in most European countries like where I live. So while I talk the talk, I'm no evangelist (I hope!) but realize that being gay is a gift, and that my God loves me. This helps me love myself. 

2. Diet: I'm a healthy eater and now exercise freak. But you got me thinking. I did have a rather boozy and sleepless weekend with my BF and a group of friends. So I'm going to cut down on the booze, or perhaps give it up, and get lots of rest. I caught up last night and feel like a new man.

3. Xmas: I accept your invitation. But only if you stay off Grindr.

Love D.

 

[lyon03]

Day 41: Ooohhhhh so close. I made it to about 6.5 hours of continuous work before stopping. I have another rule of shutting down the screens/work/internet around 10 p.m. so I can relax for an hour before heading off to bed. But I'm still pretty happy with the results. Just a few weeks ago, I could only concentrate for 3 mins without clicking around the internet...indirectly looking for a porn fix. I now find my concentration has grown by leaps and bounds. While I still have yet to reach my holy grail of 8 hours, I'm no longer white-knuckling it with eyes riveted on my stopwatch. But I'm only 1.5 hours away. Actually I'm happy to concentrate on something else, namely work, other than my porn addiction. In other news, had a great (and private) lunch with the kids at my place, they are so sweet and well-behaved, then super workout at the gym (although I overworked my shoulders) and then some strong sales back at the office. Is this what normal feels like? Thanks for reading everyone. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[lyon03]

Day 42: Good morning Reboot nation! Fitful night's sleep last night. Had divorce on the brain and couldn't fall asleep which is the first time in almost a month that I didn't just doze off. (I'm currently separated from the mother of my 3 wonderful children.) But even after just 5-6 hours sleep, I have tons of energy this morning. That's what happens I guess when you don't feed your brain a steady diet of porn, junky reality TV, and guilt. However, I do feel guilty about going off on another Rebooter in a post yesterday. In retrospect, I was really posting/yelling at my former self rather than encouraging this poor man who is in the early stages of recovery. I was rightfully reprimanded by the website's moderator and will now send a message of apology to this guy. Anger is the tip of relapse so I don't want to go there. On a more positive note, it's my boyfriend's birthday today so we'll be having lunch together....and hopefully some post-lunch dessert together at his place as well. Enough dirty talk. I'm still committed to working my solid 8 hours at the office today. I made it to 6.5 hours yesterday and won't give up. I've tamed the PMO, now I need to get back to work. The countdown has also started for my trip to Israel: just 3 weeks to go! Can't wait. Be well everyone and thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[lyon03]

Day 42 (cont'd): Damn great day. GAY SEX ALERT Still haven't reached my elusive goal of working 8 full (and timed) hours at the office but I'll get there...even if it kills me. Had a nice interruption to my work day by having lunch at my BF's apartment to celebrate his birthday. He's just turned 18. Gotcha! He's actually 43 (I'm 42). He's such a great guy: honest; handsome; and very very good to me. While I'm still PMO-free and committed to living a life without XXX-vids and death-grip masturbation, I now have another incentive: PMO-free sex is the best thing ever. While in the depths of addiction, I cringe to write that I treated partners a bit like computer screens: it was all about me; mental porn fantasies to stay hard; and of course my orgasm obsession. Natural sex is a bit like eating chocolate for the first time, a delicious and sensual delight. It's wonderful to take your time, focus completely on your partner, forget about your wood, and just enjoy. The result was the strongest orgasm I've ever had. I was almost embarrassed at the strength, quantity, and my volume level. "You almost knocked my picture off the wall," said the BF. I could have high-fived myself. It had been a very long time since I'd felt such an intimate connection with someone. Mild post-sex chaser with a strongish urge to masturbate this evening but then decided to post here. All in all a great day and hope you are having the same. While I had a fun day, my thoughts go out to all the other members struggling with this terrible addiction. I'll make a point to reach out to a few of them before I call it a day. Stay strong brothers. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Pheonix]

Ive had the same experience lyon. The volume of and power of my orgasms is shocking (and surprising to my partner!). One of the nice things about having real sex and leaving the fake stuff behind.

 

[lyon03]

Day 43: Good morning Reboot nation! Just my morning check in from Europe. I finally caught up on my sleep and feel like the worst days of porn-induced insomnia and TV addiction are behind me. During the darkest days of my addiction, I'd scurry around the internet all day at work, edge/masturbate for an hour or two a day, and then feel guilty about it. Then to wind down, at home I'd watch some mindless soft-porn reality show like 'Gigolos' and finally fall asleep at 2-3 a.m. only to re-start the whole messy process the next day. I am astounded at how many years I wasted in this mode. I have come to understand my porn triggers: alcohol; lack of sleep; anger; and poor self-esteem. Alcohol and lack of sleep I can control. While there is alcoholism in my family on my mother's side, I've never been a heavy drinker which is why when I do indulge like I did last weekend, it knocks me on my *ss. So I'm going to cut down on that. As for sleep, I now shut off the screens promptly at 10:15 p.m., read for 45 mins, and then bed at 11. I then wake up without an alarm at around 5:45 or 6:00 a.m. as I did today. Anger I now understand is largely caused by resentment for those who have hurt me in the past. As for my self-esteem, I also understand that my confidence issues are my responsibility. Full stop. I hated myself and chose to let people mistreat me in my daily life (like the ex-wife who I've posted about too much I admit). While there can be cruelty on the part of others, I have to accept I wrote, directed, and casted the play that was my former porn-soaked life. So blaming these actors is absurd. Through my actions, I more or less wrote their lines. They were just playing the parts I gave them. I understand that now and accept 100% that self-esteem starts with me. You teach others how to treat you. I now respect myself and will demand no less of others. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[chris73]

Great post, lyon! You made me think that I also have been tired of my routine of an internet addicted - especially when I moved to the new country and bought a smartphone. After that, internet started ruling my life.

You said that people were only playing the parts you gave them. Wisdom words, I learned from it. People just mirror and react to our behavior, whatever it is.

Keep going bro, and congrats for the 42nd day! This too shall pass!

 

[Pheonix]

Day 31: Natural horniness like today is a gift. I didn't want to MO so I worked out...hard. And given the looks I got in the weight room, my muscles are growing nicely. Can I put another counter on my profile: stop being a total p*ssy? I cringe at the years I wasted with the "poor me" attitude. I used to be a strong willed and confident man. Porn reduced me to a limp dicked little boy. NO MORE. I am more that my addiction, wasting time tugging it in front of a computer screen. Is it wrong to hate my former self? Maybe but it motivates me. But I've moved from the piss and moan stage to getting really f*cking angry at my former addiction. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. Goodnight and thanks to everyone for your encouragement.

Hey Lyon - Great perspective. I feel the same way. I realize what a waste of a life I was living. I was a limp dicked pussy and it spread into my day to day life and took over my persona. Now I am strong, working out regularly, walking upright and confident, coarsing with testosterone, big fucking balls swinging. I know people notice me now and recognize my transformation. I am glad to be a man again.

 

[lyon03]

Day 43 (cont'd): Pheonix please watch both your language and big ball references lest I relapse. Just kidding brother. Let 'er rip! All clear here in Euroland as I wind down for bed. Another nail in the coffin of my porn addiction. Great day today with gym, work and the kids all to myself. Went to shower at the gym and was like, damn nice pecs! I'm not sure if others have experienced the same but I can only assume the no-PMO is helping with my body chemistry and muscle growth. I looked hot, that is until a guy walked in and saw me bare-*ssed checking myself out/flexing in the mirror like some Jersey Shore jack*ss. Still short of my 8-hour work goal for today but I'll fight that fight again tomorrow and the next day until I win. I'm doing a better job of disengaging from my ex and our toxic relationship so the kid exchange was all business today. Then home for dinner with the kids, bedtime stories, and card tricks: it was like something out of a Disney movie (albeit with a gay father). So nice to have the kids to myself and I find they're more relaxed without the elephant in the room when my ex and I are eating at the same table. So life/happiness 1: porn 0. Although I like to keep it light, I just want to send my love and prayers out to all those suffering through porn addiction. I hope my posts have helped others as much as your sharing/honesty has helped me. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[horpio]

Hey buddy, I'll catch up on your journal over the weekend. There's a lot of stuff  ;D Have a great day.

 

[lyon03]

Yes I'm a rather prolific writer...Reboot's own Oscar Wilde. Day 44: Just 1 day shy of the very symbolic mid-way point of my 90 day (now 1 year) Reboot. My counter says I'm 12% of the way to a year without porn but how can you quantify getting your life back? Every day we are faced with choices, or perhaps forks in the road. Bad decisions lead you down the wrong path. A lifetime of bad decisions led me to contemplate suicide just last December. What a difference a day, 44 days, or a year makes. I now understand that porn wasn't all that was wrong in my life. It was simply the manifestation of a state of mind. I started the path of healing last year. Along the way porn, anonymous sex, a broken marriage, and toxic people simply didn't fit. Last spring I started to feel the disconnect and looking back that was when the real healing started. Unlike the younger guys posting on this website, while we 40+ PMO addicts may get our boners back more quickly, I think we have a lot more emotional damage to deal with once the porn fog lifts. I'm navigating this minefield now. It's like backtracking along the path to your starting point. We have to go back through all of our wrong decisions and deal with them. I'm now back where I started 20 years ago and understand all of my problems stem from denying, hiding, and lying about my sexuality. Incredible that this one wrong decision led me down the path of addiction and shame. I'm ready to walk the path of truth. Yes there will be wrong decisions and wrong turns, however porn will no longer obscure my destination. At every wrong turn, I'll detect and correct it more quickly and honestly without the porn fog. This will ensure I follow the right path to a shining life of happiness and fulfillment. Yes I'll lose my way from time to time, we all do, but I'll never go back to the person I was. So I'm going to focus a bit less on my d*ck, the counter, and avoiding PMO, I'd rather keep my eyes fixed on the horizon, following my path to enlightenment. Wax on! Stay strong everyone. DARKNESS IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[lyon03]

Day 44: End of the day here in Europe. This was a rather ho-hum week. I had a mild urge to PMO this afternoon but just danced in my office to loud music to ward it off (don't judge!). I think that was a chaser from all the hotties at the gym today. I swear I go to the gym just to eye-f*ck. I also got hard thinking about my BF while showering at the gym but left it untouched as I'm committed to no-fap forever. (In Europe they have individual rather than communal showers so I wasn't sporting wood in front of anyone else.) I'm a complete hypocrite for referring to my junk so much in this post but I do have a point. Just over a month ago, nothing short of a crane could sustain my erection so getting a spontaneous boner thinking about someone I love was a welcome development. Yea phallus! In other news, I'm still not getting any liftoff for my 8-hour/day work plan. Continued failure in this department was making me a bit b*tchy so I'm going to shake it up next week by: 1. Planning my week down to the minute; and 2. Setting smaller goals: working 4 hours Monday; 4.5 hours Tuesday; 5 hours Wednesday; 5.5 hours Thursday; and 6 hours Friday. Once I work an entire week 6 hours/day, I'll then up it to 7, then 8. If anyone has tips, books, or Youtube vids you can recommend about concentration/motivation, I'd love to hear from you. Anyhow Rebootnation, that's it for me this week. I wish everyone a happy and PMO-free weekend. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.



 

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi Lyon,

Sounds like you are crushing it with no PMO! Glad to here that your junk is making progress.

Regarding your 8-hour work day goal, does that include lunch/breaks? Or are you trying to work a solid 8-hours straight (with no interruption). When you say you are failing at your goal, what do you mean? Are you messing around in the Internet, talking to co-workers, etc.? Regardless, I've heard a lot of people talk about meditating really helping focus and discipline. If you don't already, this might help (can't speak from experience, it's a goal of mine, but I haven't committed to it yet).

Take it easy!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Day 44: End of the day here in Europe. This was a rather ho-hum week. I had a mild urge to PMO this afternoon but just danced in my office to loud music to ward it off (don't judge!). I think that was a chaser from all the hotties at the gym today. I swear I go to the gym just to eye-f*ck. I also got hard thinking about my BF while showering at the gym but left it untouched as I'm committed to no-fap forever. (In Europe they have individual rather than communal showers so I wasn't sporting wood in front of anyone else.) I'm a complete hypocrite for referring to my junk so much in this post but I do have a point. Just over a month ago, nothing short of a crane could sustain my erection so getting a spontaneous boner thinking about someone I love was a welcome development. Yea phallus! In other news, I'm still not getting any liftoff for my 8-hour/day work plan. Continued failure in this department was making me a bit b*tchy so I'm going to shake it up next week by: 1. Planning my week down to the minute; and 2. Setting smaller goals: working 4 hours Monday; 4.5 hours Tuesday; 5 hours Wednesday; 5.5 hours Thursday; and 6 hours Friday. Once I work an entire week 6 hours/day, I'll then up it to 7, then 8. If anyone has tips, books, or Youtube vids you can recommend about concentration/motivation, I'd love to hear from you. Anyhow Rebootnation, that's it for me this week. I wish everyone a happy and PMO-free weekend. Stay strong. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

LOL, "watcher getting too chummy with that thing, Harry, it will lead you on terrible adventures!" I know your name isn't Harry, but it sounds better than Lyon when I read that sentence aloud. Forgive me, I do not have a penis, but I do have ears to hear myself read aloud. I suspect you have two ears and some squishy matter between them and that is probably very notable too, if we are praising body parts.

Anyway, I think every man should be friends with his member, but steer clear of any kind of financial or directional advice from the dang thing. You two have been friends for much longer than you and the ex-wife or the current bf and it is perfectly natural to be proud it is behaving like a proper friend with prickly leather baggage. Just don't get into a co-dependent friendship with the thing. It will borrow money, visit you at work or odd hours and drink all the good liquor (or at least the feel good drugs from your brain) AND expect you to lie and make excuses. You are so much smarter than that, Harry.

You seem like a good dad and that has nothing to do with your penis, everything to do with manhood.

I am listening to "Paddle Your Own Canoe" by Nick Offerman on audible and laughing a lot. I listened to "Six to Eight Black Men" read and written by David Sedaris (it's on you tube) as my holiday treat and laughed my self silly. I love David Sedaris. I'm not going to make any penis/reboot suggestions because you can't paddle a canoe with one of those and frankly, that topic isn't as funny as David Sedaris. Live a little.

Kind regards,
SORP

 

[lyon03]

Day 45: Well hot damn I'm mid-way through my 90-day reboot! I have to agree with other Rebooters that while the first 30 were truly white-knuckle and somewhat reminiscent of the withdrawal scene from 'Trainspotting' (check it out), time really flew from 30-45. I can only hope to maintain the same momentum through 60, 90, and beyond. While at 45 I'm still a relative newbie, I am committed to remaining PMO free for the rest of my life. With me it's not maybe, although I've done that many many times before, this time it was a question of life or death. When I think of myself a year ago, I am both scared and humbled that yanking in front of a computer screen had so f*cked with my brain that I actually contemplated suicide. It feels like another person. So while I will forever be a recovering PMO addict, I am no longer porn's b*tch. And to prove it, I survived the ultimate temptation today. I was surfing some gay-related newspaper articles earlier today when a large number of borderline pornographic images suddenly appeared on the right side of my screen. It had zero effect. I simply shut down the page and went on with my day. Me 1 Porn 0. Here is a quick list of positive changes I've seen over the last 45 days of no porn, no masturbation, and no TV. 

- Much happier and, most importantly, feel I deserve to be happy
- Sleeping better
- Concentration getting better (see below)*
- Working harder/more motivated
- Brain more hungry for knowledge to the point that I now find movies (I've watched 2 in the last month) boring compared to books or stimulating conversation
- No more video games (just another form of porn-like stimulation)
- Less cellphone addiction (I no longer obsessively text or check my texts, less texting at the wheel and put my phone away at the gym)
- More confidence
- Better listener
- Healthier diet and better skin
- More sociable and in tune with other's emotions
- I engage in conversation with people now and ask their names
- Patient with my kids and just there for them
- Less conflict/blaming with my ex-wife
- Less of a self-centred and whiny b*tch than before
- Less of a need to please others at all cost
- Much better at avoiding or removing toxic people from my life (scraped off the negative in-laws for example)
- Muscle growth at gym has taken off which I can only attribute to perhaps more testosterone
- Erectile dysfunction gone
- Very intense orgasms (almost embarrassingly so)
- Greater intimacy during sex as I am more in tune with my partner
- Absolutely zero pressure to maintain erection nor orgasm during sex making it more carefree and enjoyable than I can honestly remember

So I can write that I like myself more PMO-free. There are however areas that I still need to work on:

- Concentration/motivation: Porn killed both so I'm trying to rebuild my work ethic day by day. This is still a work in progress and is my next challenge. Just to clarify, my goal is 8 hours/day of timed work. Not scr*wing the dog at the office. But actually hours worked. 
- Still have tendency to blame others, namely my ex-wife, which is a classic addict's tool. Also have a minor blips of "why me" after years of porn addiction.
- Working to not talk over people via interrupting or saying in my head: "Come on and finish!" so I can make my point as quickly as possible.

So on the whole, I feel like I'm getting there. Porn takes away self-esteem. I now understand that loving yourself is truly the key to everything (confidence, success, intimacy). Hate yourself as I did and you just invite hateful people into your life. So that's me so far. Thanks for reading. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[horpio]

Hi Lyon. Actually I don't know if I should now call you Crazy Diamond, Oscar Wilde or Harry ;D Reading the last week's posts and replies was like a roller coaster ride. One moment biting my nails, the next laughing out loud, then deeply touched by your honesty and celebration of true progress. I bet you're a great dad and partner.

If you haven't read "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People - Steven Covey" yet, I'll recommend that. Seeing that you started reading. I find it a book of great wisdom, taking me back to age old universal principles. I learn something new with each re-read. And it might have some tools to help you with the 8-hour week project.

Wish you the best as always.

PS. I'm glad you haven't killed someone yet 

 

[lyon03]

Day 46: Thanks for the book advice Horpio. I'll get it today. Good morning from the People's Republic of Europe. I loved this line from a Tina Fey monologue: "Obamacare combines older white American's biggest fears: socialized medicine; a black person; and websites." No seeking, urges nor close calls during the night. I had a nice evening last night taking my son (12) and his best friend to a movie, "The Hobbit" then dinner. The movie is like a 3-hour porn scene if you replaced d*cks with swords and orgasms with overacted deaths. I nodded off during one of the many many battle scenes: I think some troll was riding a pig unless that was some sort of drug relapse. I'm kind of over movies and TV as I stopped watching the tube early on in my re-set. Anyhow, after dropping his friend off I had a good chat with my son while driving home. We talked about  the divorce, life, the future etc. He's a great kid, very thoughtful and mature. In the early stages of recovery, I lamented destroying my children's lives to a point that I simply made everything about myself once again. That reminded me of this Tony Robbin's quote: "See things as they are, not worse than they are." In my need to feed guilt, shame, and my overblown ego, I blew my impending divorce out of proportion. I had become the PMO Norma Desmond. Well I finally got sick of being such a diva and started being a dad, businessman, and supportive ex-husband. Hopefully that will continue. Unlike my boozy weekend last week, I slept better this weekend. Although last night I was up rather late on this site and another posting and generally sharing my fabulousness. One thing I forgot to mention during my withdrawal was the 11-year-old bladder. I was p*ssing like a racehorse. Now I'm a big pants boy and can make it through the entire night just peeing in the morning. I also rather enjoy having to sit while peeing because of welcome morning wood. Ahhh the boner. I have to admit knowing that the lovely SO Reboot Partner reads my posts made me feel a bit self-conscious because she's a woman. But all are welcome to my post except for the homophobic. I had some rather existential dreams last night. For the first time since I can remember, I actually dreamed about my ex-wife who strangely has largely been absent from my subconscious mind. Today will be a relaxed Sunday in the land of gay-marriage, high taxes, and socialized medicine. Next weekend I'm thrilled to be attending my long-term boyfriend's Xmas party as his +1. I went last year and had a blast. In fact, last year's Xmas party was the first time in my life that I had felt so happy, comfortable being gay, and accepted. This year promises to be just as much fun and I'm really looking forward to it. How nice to make plans, be a good father, and look forward to a work week of successes rather than just porn. Thanks for reading my rambling post. Stay strong nation. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[lyon03]

Day 46 (cont'd): All clean and sober here as I sign off for the day. Today reminded me of this one from Emerson: "People only see what they are prepared to see." I have learned more, cried more, laughed more, and just b*lls-out lived more in the last 45 days of no PMO than I think I have my entire life. But conquering my fears every day, saying no to my drug of choice every day, and posting here daily has helped with my journey back to life. Day by day, I am backtracking through the muck of every sh*tty life decision trying to claw my way back to the source - back to who I really am. Emerson also wrote something along the lines of 'Life's a journey, not a destination.' Today I confronted my worst fear: myself. I have avoided, blamed, rationalized, procrastinated, f*cked, cheated, lied, stolen, wanked, and done anything and everything to avoid the fact that I saw myself as worthless. That was my worst fear. I became that fear and surrounded myself with people who reinforced that fear. I fell into an addiction that fed my fear. Reboot and recovery for the 40+ are about backtracking to the beginning, to the source. You know where you're going but don't want to. You backtrack along a path slathered with the most evil muck imaginable. What sucks is you created this road and often turn back (through relapse for example). This is heavy going and all along you're confronted with your broken dreams, lives you've ruined, and soul-destroying regret. My journey led back to the beginning and waiting there for me was the most terrifying thing possible: a mirror. The mirror didn't reflect my addiction to porn, addiction is just a f*cking pothole along the way. I used addiction among other things to feed my fear of myself. I get it now. Last December I looked into that mirror and it almost killed me. Because that mirror reflected every mistake I'd ever made. I wasn't ready to confront my own shattered soul. But this year was different. Over the past year I've worked my *ss off, going through ALL of those mistakes, clawing my way along that mucky path back to the beginning. And today I just saw myself in the mirror. Just a guy standing there saying, "I love you." And just like that I no longer hate myself. Tomorrow is going to be a new beginning for me. I feel like tomorrow the second half of my life can really begin. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. LIFE IS THE ONLY OPTION.

 

[Poker]

Very proud of you.... Um, brother.

 

[lyon03]

Day 47: Up very early in Europe and just checking in. While I post here often, I feel like my porn habit is losing its volume. (I love my metaphors so here goes.) Porn was like carrying around the loudest and most obnoxious flashing ghetto blaster possible. In the thick of my addiction, the music and lights were so loud it blocked out everything else in my life. I imagined it belting out something like Gwar. I finally dropped this boom box 47 days ago when I started on the path of recovery. For the first few days, the music was very loud so I looked back A LOT. It was a f*cked up kind of longing. But as I gained distance, my senses picked up other things. Now 47 days later, the addiction has switched from industrial metal to Enya - a siren-like call to come back. (Thankfully I don't like Enya but hell I admire the effort.) So porn went from crowding out everything else in my life to now just a whisper in the distance. Once I gained back my senses, I started seeing the other people in my life like my kids. My daughter (10) really suffered because of my long neglect. But anytime she got emotional I came back with nothing but anger because she distracted me from myself and my booming addiction. Sundays are always the worst for my daughter because she spent an entire weekend with a distant father, family conflict, etc. Only now that porn wasn't occupying all of my senses, did I realize that I could make a change. And this weekend I did. I made a choice to just be with her rather than make her dance to my music. It was so nice to just sit with her, pet the family rabbit, and LISTEN. When she asked me to sit and chat with her again, I almost cried. Before bed, we had tea and cake together. I then chose to share with her that I'd be traveling to Israel for New Year's even though I hadn't told anyone else. It was a real moment and for the first time in I don't know how many Sundays, she went to bed with a smile rather than tears. Porn robs our loved ones of our attention. So I learned something yesterday. And while my porn-o-blaster is now playing another snappy tune, pleading so I come back, there is no turning back. Thanks for reading. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.