90 Day Journal - mybestself - 28M
- Thread starter mybestself
- Start date
mybestself
Active Member
Day 20. Monday. 29/12/14
It's been a while since I added to my journal but I'm delighted to say that I'm still keeping strong after 20 days. So far I've had a couple of situations where I felt the temptation to pursue pornographic content but in both cases I was able to use controlled masterbation as a tool to prevent myself from going down the black hole of misery that is pornography. By the way, when I say controlled masterbation I mean that I will in that moment stop what I'm doing, head to my bedroom and simply masterbate the old fashioned way (i.e. no visual or audio stimulation). I've done this twice during this 20 day period and I can say for myself that this is a FAR better outcome than masterbating for hours with pornography. I highly recommend this technique if you too struggle with pornography but practically never masterbate without pornography as is with my case.
Reflecting back over these past 20 days I can also absolutely say that at 20 days the temptation to act out is far less than during my first and second week so please do hang in there if you're still in the early . I've been waking up on my alarm, have started reading again and in general feel that I've been keeping a good sense of balance in my life. It would mean the world to me to kick this stuff for good and I entirely mean to do so.
I've neglected from writing in my journal these last seven days or so but I intend to get back on the wagon as of today. I know from experience that a gradual decline in care for my recovery has been the major cause for my relapses in the past and so I'm determined not to make the same mistake again.
It's been a while since I added to my journal but I'm delighted to say that I'm still keeping strong after 20 days. So far I've had a couple of situations where I felt the temptation to pursue pornographic content but in both cases I was able to use controlled masterbation as a tool to prevent myself from going down the black hole of misery that is pornography. By the way, when I say controlled masterbation I mean that I will in that moment stop what I'm doing, head to my bedroom and simply masterbate the old fashioned way (i.e. no visual or audio stimulation). I've done this twice during this 20 day period and I can say for myself that this is a FAR better outcome than masterbating for hours with pornography. I highly recommend this technique if you too struggle with pornography but practically never masterbate without pornography as is with my case.
Reflecting back over these past 20 days I can also absolutely say that at 20 days the temptation to act out is far less than during my first and second week so please do hang in there if you're still in the early . I've been waking up on my alarm, have started reading again and in general feel that I've been keeping a good sense of balance in my life. It would mean the world to me to kick this stuff for good and I entirely mean to do so.
I've neglected from writing in my journal these last seven days or so but I intend to get back on the wagon as of today. I know from experience that a gradual decline in care for my recovery has been the major cause for my relapses in the past and so I'm determined not to make the same mistake again.
mybestself
Active Member
Day 21. Tuesday. 30/12/14.
Bit of a mixed bag today but overall I think positive. I was meant to be working but probably only accomplished 2-3 of work max. I spent the rest of the time player a computer game which my girlfriend gave to me for Xmas. It's a great game but unfortunately it's also the type of game which I find very addictive. It's also not cool that I fobbed off work to play a game.
I really don't want to pour all of my free time into a computer game right now, especially as I only just recently completed a game where I racked up in excess of 55 hours. I really really want 2015 to be a year of some major personal growth and I know that I'm just handicapping myself by playing games. I'm committing to make January 2015 (as well as the rest of December) a completely game free month in favour of my personal recovery and growth. Time to step things up a level : )
Bit of a mixed bag today but overall I think positive. I was meant to be working but probably only accomplished 2-3 of work max. I spent the rest of the time player a computer game which my girlfriend gave to me for Xmas. It's a great game but unfortunately it's also the type of game which I find very addictive. It's also not cool that I fobbed off work to play a game.
I really don't want to pour all of my free time into a computer game right now, especially as I only just recently completed a game where I racked up in excess of 55 hours. I really really want 2015 to be a year of some major personal growth and I know that I'm just handicapping myself by playing games. I'm committing to make January 2015 (as well as the rest of December) a completely game free month in favour of my personal recovery and growth. Time to step things up a level : )
mybestself
Active Member
Day 22. Wednesday. 31/12/14
Last day of 2014!!!
Didn't sleep too great last night due in part to one of my neighbours deciding to host what sounded like an all night drum n base rave but at least I went to bed on time and woke up on my alarm. I'm still committed to go give computer games a rest for today and the month of January and already feel quite relieved for having made that decision. Having made this decision I'm actually starting to notice just how many to-do's that I've been putting off recently, it feels like I've just taken off my blinders and all of a sudden I have my periphery vision back. I'm genuinely excited to see how this impacts my recovery and overall wellbeing in January.
New Years this evening though having drunk quite a lot recently I'm planning on barely drinking at all, maybe a glass or two of champagne max. I'd far rather start the new year rested and relaxed
Last day of 2014!!!
Didn't sleep too great last night due in part to one of my neighbours deciding to host what sounded like an all night drum n base rave but at least I went to bed on time and woke up on my alarm. I'm still committed to go give computer games a rest for today and the month of January and already feel quite relieved for having made that decision. Having made this decision I'm actually starting to notice just how many to-do's that I've been putting off recently, it feels like I've just taken off my blinders and all of a sudden I have my periphery vision back. I'm genuinely excited to see how this impacts my recovery and overall wellbeing in January.
New Years this evening though having drunk quite a lot recently I'm planning on barely drinking at all, maybe a glass or two of champagne max. I'd far rather start the new year rested and relaxed
readytobefree
Active Member
Wow, congrats you are the man. You powered through and nailed that streak. You're an inspiration man, I hope to get to 3 weeks myself down the line! Happy New Year!
mybestself
Active Member
Cheers for the encouragement readytobefree - it's always appreciated! : )
I've been following your journal also and I've been impressed how quick you've been to get back on the wagon following your last slip. From my experience with this stuff persistence is the key, just make sure you do something for your recovery every day and be wary if your efforts start to fall by the wayside, that's when we enter dangerous territory. I'm sure you'll get to 3 weeks and beyond this time round, I'm rooting for you!
I've been following your journal also and I've been impressed how quick you've been to get back on the wagon following your last slip. From my experience with this stuff persistence is the key, just make sure you do something for your recovery every day and be wary if your efforts start to fall by the wayside, that's when we enter dangerous territory. I'm sure you'll get to 3 weeks and beyond this time round, I'm rooting for you!
mybestself
Active Member
Day 23. Thursday. 01/01/15 (!!).
I've left this post a little late this evening so I'm going to keep it quick (I was actually just getting into bed when I remembered that I hadn't contributed to my journal. I can hardly trust myself to keep my word if I remember I need to do something and then purposefully don't do it and so here I am!).
Had a really good start to the new year today. I barely drank at all last night and so I gratefully woke up fresh and headache free. I then met my mother and sister at a local beach and spent the whole day walking, swimming and cycling. Right now I'm on a very nice, healthy activity induced buzz : )
Still going strong. Persistence is key.
I've left this post a little late this evening so I'm going to keep it quick (I was actually just getting into bed when I remembered that I hadn't contributed to my journal. I can hardly trust myself to keep my word if I remember I need to do something and then purposefully don't do it and so here I am!).
Had a really good start to the new year today. I barely drank at all last night and so I gratefully woke up fresh and headache free. I then met my mother and sister at a local beach and spent the whole day walking, swimming and cycling. Right now I'm on a very nice, healthy activity induced buzz : )
Still going strong. Persistence is key.
mybestself
Active Member
Cheers Fappy, very much appreciated!
I'm personally fed up of the infinitely revolving door that is pornography and all the stagnation that comes with it. I fully intend to put this bad habit to bed for good. 2015 is going to be a great year ;D
I'm personally fed up of the infinitely revolving door that is pornography and all the stagnation that comes with it. I fully intend to put this bad habit to bed for good. 2015 is going to be a great year ;D
mybestself
Active Member
Day 24. Friday 02/01/15
Woke up pretty early today to go to the zoo with my mother and sister. All in all had a very good day though I was pretty knackered by the time we left the zoo, not sure if my lack of energy was due to my recent change in diet (cutting grains from my diet) or simply because it was a very hot day and that I did a tonne of exercise the day before. On the way home I clocked on that there was a chance I might be at risk of acting out due to my lack of energy plus the fact I was returning to an empty house, though, once I had acknowledged this possibility I also felt confident that I would be able to sense the threat level when I had returned home and if needed, engage in some controlled vanilla masterbation (i.e. no external stimulus) in order to safe guard me against pornography. Even though I would have been content with this outcome, I'm glad to say that for the second time now I have been able to enjoy a night in by myself without having to resort to masterbation. Very satisfying.
Woke up pretty early today to go to the zoo with my mother and sister. All in all had a very good day though I was pretty knackered by the time we left the zoo, not sure if my lack of energy was due to my recent change in diet (cutting grains from my diet) or simply because it was a very hot day and that I did a tonne of exercise the day before. On the way home I clocked on that there was a chance I might be at risk of acting out due to my lack of energy plus the fact I was returning to an empty house, though, once I had acknowledged this possibility I also felt confident that I would be able to sense the threat level when I had returned home and if needed, engage in some controlled vanilla masterbation (i.e. no external stimulus) in order to safe guard me against pornography. Even though I would have been content with this outcome, I'm glad to say that for the second time now I have been able to enjoy a night in by myself without having to resort to masterbation. Very satisfying.
mybestself
Active Member
Many thanks nD86, and I suppose congrats to you also! : )
mybestself
Active Member
Day 25. Saturday 03/01/15
I feel very grateful to be at day 25 and I really feel that I'm going from strength to strength. Cutting out pornography (and very recently computer games) has really helped me to be a more social, relaxed and content. Today I started a new exercise regime that had me doing sprints on the beach, really good fun and I can see myself sticking with it. Diet is going well although I had a fancy dinner with my mother, sister and girlfriend where I ended up picking a very sweet dessert, in future I'll opt for the cheese plate instead. As I write this i'm sitting at home alone, with an unguarded computer with practically zero desire to seek out pornography. It feels really fantastic and I intend and hope that I never go back to those old ways. Staying strong.
I feel very grateful to be at day 25 and I really feel that I'm going from strength to strength. Cutting out pornography (and very recently computer games) has really helped me to be a more social, relaxed and content. Today I started a new exercise regime that had me doing sprints on the beach, really good fun and I can see myself sticking with it. Diet is going well although I had a fancy dinner with my mother, sister and girlfriend where I ended up picking a very sweet dessert, in future I'll opt for the cheese plate instead. As I write this i'm sitting at home alone, with an unguarded computer with practically zero desire to seek out pornography. It feels really fantastic and I intend and hope that I never go back to those old ways. Staying strong.
mybestself
Active Member
Day 29. Wednesday. 07/01/15. Relapsed.
Today after a streak of 28 days I unfortunately relapsed. I was feeling extremely low energy yesterday (I think as a consequence to changing my diet which my body is still adapting to) and after dropping my girlfriend off at work my thoughts quickly turned to pornography. In that moment I should have accepted that I was close to a relapse and carried out some vanilla masterbation. Instead I entertained the thought and started to seek out explicit material over the internet.
I'm still very happy with my 28 days streak which is the best I've achieved in quite a while and I absolutely intend to restart my counter and keep going. I consider this to be a blip in the journey that is recovery.
I'm feeling ok currently though I know from past experience that I might soon feel a little low from the come down. This is just fine. What's important is that I stick to my other commitments (diet, a break from computer games, cycling), keep my chin up and keep moving forward. Onwards and upwards!
Today after a streak of 28 days I unfortunately relapsed. I was feeling extremely low energy yesterday (I think as a consequence to changing my diet which my body is still adapting to) and after dropping my girlfriend off at work my thoughts quickly turned to pornography. In that moment I should have accepted that I was close to a relapse and carried out some vanilla masterbation. Instead I entertained the thought and started to seek out explicit material over the internet.
I'm still very happy with my 28 days streak which is the best I've achieved in quite a while and I absolutely intend to restart my counter and keep going. I consider this to be a blip in the journey that is recovery.
I'm feeling ok currently though I know from past experience that I might soon feel a little low from the come down. This is just fine. What's important is that I stick to my other commitments (diet, a break from computer games, cycling), keep my chin up and keep moving forward. Onwards and upwards!
mybestself
Active Member
Day 1. Thursday. 08/01/14
I can feel my bodies resistance in re-starting my journal but I think it's important to remember that I'm not re-starting my journal, I'm simply continuing it. I also know that my recovery will only improve if I work it.
Didn't sleep great last night (as a result of my relapse I suppose) and found it tough to get out of bed this morning, but I did get up. My day at work went well and I was fortunate to be able to finish the day at 4pm. I picked up my mum on the way home, cooked us dinner and spent the best part of the evening with her until I left. Still a little shaken up but I know it will get better quickly
I can feel my bodies resistance in re-starting my journal but I think it's important to remember that I'm not re-starting my journal, I'm simply continuing it. I also know that my recovery will only improve if I work it.
Didn't sleep great last night (as a result of my relapse I suppose) and found it tough to get out of bed this morning, but I did get up. My day at work went well and I was fortunate to be able to finish the day at 4pm. I picked up my mum on the way home, cooked us dinner and spent the best part of the evening with her until I left. Still a little shaken up but I know it will get better quickly
mybestself
Active Member
Day 2. Friday. 09/01/14
Mega tired. Not sure to what degree this is as a result of my relapse vs. the fact that I had a large coffee yesterday (i'm very sensitive to coffee). Again noticed some resistance to log onto my journal but I know how important it is to show up to my recovery every day. Besides, it only takes 10-15 minutes to contribute to my journal. Going out to a show later this evening and am going to make a conscious effort not to drink much. Very happy it's Friday
Mega tired. Not sure to what degree this is as a result of my relapse vs. the fact that I had a large coffee yesterday (i'm very sensitive to coffee). Again noticed some resistance to log onto my journal but I know how important it is to show up to my recovery every day. Besides, it only takes 10-15 minutes to contribute to my journal. Going out to a show later this evening and am going to make a conscious effort not to drink much. Very happy it's Friday
nD86
Member
The resistance to admitting failure and picking myself up afterwards is my strongest motivation not to relapse. I can only imagine how bluesy you must be feeling right now. You seem to be handling it well though. This isn't about running a clock; it's about changing a lifestyle!
Keep up the good work
Keep up the good work
mybestself
Active Member
Day 3. Saturday. 10/01/14.
Thanks for the support nD86, very much appreciate it. I feel like I'm over the major blues now but still feeling some resistance to logging onto reboot nation and adding to my journal. I think I need to build it back into a morning habit, something I do with a cup of tea just after waking up.
Good day today overall. I woke up pretty tired but I made myself a healthy breakfast, did some reading and I hit the beach to do some sprint training. Had a healthy lunch (smoke salmon salad - yum!) but then my energy levels bombed afterwards. I took a 20 minute power nap which I'm really happy about as I have historically found it difficult to allow myself to nap during the day before picking my mum up and dropping her off at the airport. In the evening I cooked dinner and helped my girlfriend with her revision. I've also organised to meet a couple of friends tomorrow so actually, in all it's been a very good day : )
I think the key for my recovery at this stage is going to be down to making journalling a solid habit. If I can get this down then I'm going to really help myself out
Thanks for the support nD86, very much appreciate it. I feel like I'm over the major blues now but still feeling some resistance to logging onto reboot nation and adding to my journal. I think I need to build it back into a morning habit, something I do with a cup of tea just after waking up.
Good day today overall. I woke up pretty tired but I made myself a healthy breakfast, did some reading and I hit the beach to do some sprint training. Had a healthy lunch (smoke salmon salad - yum!) but then my energy levels bombed afterwards. I took a 20 minute power nap which I'm really happy about as I have historically found it difficult to allow myself to nap during the day before picking my mum up and dropping her off at the airport. In the evening I cooked dinner and helped my girlfriend with her revision. I've also organised to meet a couple of friends tomorrow so actually, in all it's been a very good day : )
I think the key for my recovery at this stage is going to be down to making journalling a solid habit. If I can get this down then I'm going to really help myself out
mybestself
Active Member
Day 3. Sunday. 11/01/14.
Day 4. Within 30 minutes of waking I've logged into reboot nation - that's more like it : )
Some small temptation to seek out pornography when I woke up but I didn't act on it, instead I just kept running through my morning routine (breakfast, tea, shower etc...). Have planned to meet some friends for breakfast/lunch at one of my favourite spots so quite looking forward to that, have also organised to cycle there so I'll get some good exercise to boot.
After this post I'm going to reply to a Facebook message that I've been putting off for ages. I know that for me that being actively social is good for my well being and recovery.
Day 4. Within 30 minutes of waking I've logged into reboot nation - that's more like it : )
Some small temptation to seek out pornography when I woke up but I didn't act on it, instead I just kept running through my morning routine (breakfast, tea, shower etc...). Have planned to meet some friends for breakfast/lunch at one of my favourite spots so quite looking forward to that, have also organised to cycle there so I'll get some good exercise to boot.
After this post I'm going to reply to a Facebook message that I've been putting off for ages. I know that for me that being actively social is good for my well being and recovery.