I will not confess to wife

[olafthewise]

I have no intentions of EVER telling my wife of my online porn problems. I hear others doing so and I cannot understand this. Do what you will, but... Women already do not understand the male sexual needs, how often they need sex, what turns us on and why. There is no "cookie cutter" sexual needs thing that fits all guys! My wife knows I need her sexual attention, then says she is tired and rolls over.
I think by now, most people in America, know that the best way to keep a husbands interest is to be sexually interesting in the bedroom. right? The fact that we are visual and women are not should be analyzed by both husband and wife.
If a man was sex starved and had an affair to get sexual release, should he tell his wife? I say, generally, no. adultery confession does nothing to fix anything in the relationship. Garth Brooks (country singer) took years trying to beg forgiveness from his wife for his adultery, they ended in divorce.
In the past, I spent many nights until 2 AM doing PMO and she never suspected. (she misses a lot of clues in life for someone more intelligent than me). What do I tell her? that my grad school stuff I attempted 8 years ago was a failure because of PMO? Or that all the time I was doing school work instead of spending time with our kids I was viewing porn?? Not going to ever tell her. I am doing this "quitting porn" thing for me in order for a better view of life and to look out there and see where people may need me, starting right here at home.
So, all you guys who have erectile dysfunction from PMO and you go tell the wife who needs your tool to work and she gets angry at your PMO?? I dunno. I wouldn't tell her.
How about you quit PMO, exercise, read, watch documentaries and take her shopping while you play another game of angry birds on your phone as she tries on new clothes or shops for a new pizza pan. take her home get her clothes off and just lay there with her. If you get better as a man, OFF of Porn, what does she care? As long as you are doing what you need to as a man, no confession will be necessary.
Back me up guys??no? am I wrong?
Lets be truthful though. My wife may ask me one day, if I was ever addicted to porn and I may just say, "yes, but it's been awhile" She doesn't need to know much more.
I like the new me. I sit and watch kids movies with them.

 

[enablerblue]

Well, coming from the other side of this, I have to disagree with you.

I think it's a great thing what you're doing here, giving up PMO is quite a struggle. And yes, you're right, some marriages with PMO issues do end in divorce.
Speaking entirely for myself though, PMO was not why our marriage ended. It was his refusal to address it. It was ruining our lives. Not just in the bedroom, but in every which way imaginable.

I was happy that he told me. I was ready to support him, in fact I was incredibly proud of him for confessing a painful truth. His humble attitude caused me to take a look at myself and the ways I was contributing to the difficulties in our home. If he could be so honest and seek help, than so could I.

The problems started when he decided that he didn't want to work at it. He continued down the PMO spiral after the strenuous efforts I had put in to fix our marriage and support him. Nothing was going to stop him. We almost lost our home. My finances, friendships and family are in shambles from trying to carry a jobless addict. THIS is why the marriage ended. Someone choosing to quit PMO and live healthy, stands a much greater chance of saving their marriage.

Your wife isn't having sex with you because of issues that aren't being addressed. She isn't talking to you about them, clearly because you aren't talking to her about your truth either.

Coming from a woman, with loads of married friends who refuse their husbands, I can say with 100% conviction that honest, gritty communication is what will solve this problem. You don't have to do the finger pointing "you don't have sex with me enough!" thing, rather tell her that you don't understand why she doesn't want to be physically close to you. Ask her honest questions.

Sometimes wives feel that their husbands only put forth effort in the house/ with the children when they want to get some. Sometimes it's hygienic reasons. Sometimes it's lack of communication. There could be a combination of reasons, the only way you'll ever find out is if you ask her.

Or, continue on hiding your very real struggle and see where that gets you.

Just my opinion.

 

[olafthewise]

No. I have tried to explain that its not the frequency of sex its the attitude she has. Thinking I need to just pop my whistle and things will be ok. 
She also assumes that a man's sexual need can be shut off like a switch. I know for certain that she has been in the mood, then got angry with me over a subject (that had to do with our children), then suddenly rolls over and remains angry and falls asleep! My sexual need at that point is still "running." If you read my posts about my unemployment, her disrespect and the resulting depression over the years, you can almost understand my situation. Believe me, she is a real beautiful, smart, responsible woman. But my loss of career 25 years ago started all this nonsense. Her disrespect over the years had grown into a problem that reduced her ability to enjoy sex with me and instead made sex into a duty where she made it into a tiring chore to a point of treating my like a house plant..."just enough water to not die and yet stay green."
She is also judgmental and self-righteous, pointing out that I am mean and should talk to a pastor about my meanness. I told her to talk to a pastor about her withholding sex and other intimate issues and yet she refuses this.
So, no, confessing would be disastrous and be another addition to my long, long, unemployment, depression and failure in life. The lack of sex has one fundamental reason; I am a failure as an unemployed man and no woman would want this kind of man in bed. I still get duty sex...sort of...she has pain during sex now so...anyway, We remain married because I am not 100% all about sex, but as Forrest Gump says..."one less thing." Yeah, one less problem in life would be to have great sex every week or as I have said, every 3-4 days! So, as bad as things may be, confessing porn issues would be so bad that there is no way I would admit it. Years ago before computers were so popular, I wrote in a journal that I was looking at porn magazines and she read my journal and confronted me. I admitted to it and she said she assumed I was having an affair, which was so untrue! I told her the lack of sex prompted me to buy a porn mag (playboy). After that there was no change but a lot of guilt accusations about my sin.
also, I am aware that women need warming up and that stress prompts sleep more than sex, I know this. Still, I have been reasonable for every intimate encounter. She often will act sensuous and then plop into bed and roll over to sleep!

Ok. I stated my case. Confession to my wife would be disastrous. I personally want to rid myself of porn. since giving up porn weeks ago, I expect; her to remain the same, my depression will continue, sex will continue to get worse or stay the same, her disrespect (even today) will continue to gradually improve I suppose. I am committed to ridding myself of porn to improve my mind, not sex. I feel better even now knowing I can fill my day with interesting things that do not damage my brain or eat all my time.

 

[enablerblue]

Some women build up so much resentment over the years that it is really hard for them to get turned on at all.
I can completely sympathize with your need for her to be intimate with you. I often get in arguments with my married girlfriends about this. Some of them are withholders as well. Marriage is a two way street. If you are not helping your partner, they will not help you in return. If you don't feel like having sex, that's OK, but make sure it is completely clear to your partner each time why you are not up to it. She can be tired, she can be in pain, or she feels the need to put your head through a window. All of those are perfectly good reasons, but it should be made clear.

In return, you can do whatever it takes to help correct that situation. No added pressure on her, but helping because you love and care for her. Not because you expect sex in return.

I tell my girlfriends all of this very bluntly. Withholding sex can really ruin your partners self esteem. It doesn't sound like you were asking much, once a week should be doable (no pun intended) for most.

You've mentioned it is painful for her to have sex. I can understand why she would feel the need to retreat within herself. I've had this before. I can say that it was greatly increased because of stress. That marriage has since ended. I remember my first time having sex after that, I was terrified I wouldn't be able to because of the pain I had experienced for years before, lo and behold - nothing. It was great. It did come back from time to time, but I realized that during the worst of it, my body was responding to the stress in my home. Everyone is different, but this is something to keep in mind.

I'm a strong believer that withholding intimacy can do much more damage than the withholder may understand. So yes, you're right, it does not make anything easier for you. Telling each other to talk to a Pastor about xyz isn't very helpful either. Pastors can give you guidance, but the real conversations need to happen between the two of you. Outsiders will not solve your problems for you.

It's awesome that you have decided to cut out porn and focus on your own physical/mental health, because in the end, that is all you are in control of. You.

 

[olafthewise]

uh, yeah. Nothing to add here.

After my Masters degree is done in August, perhaps there will be a change.
On stress: 25 year old daughter with mental issues keeps escaping group homes all year AND is usually raped/prostituted before escaping those places. 22 year old son is on drugs and has relapsed...again, as of last week, special needs younger kids in home. She working, me not...lot of stress. I try to clean and do as much as possible to reduce her stress. after much of one day, go to bed to do it all again......there is a lock on our door.

 

[Gracie]

You might want to try some of the "mindfulness" techniques that many do.  It allows you to slow down your thinking and focus inward.  It helps you be proactive in your life instead of reactive.  Your brain appears to me to be like a big bowl of spaghetti.  Many things are in there all tangled up.  Perhaps that would help the racing thoughts that you seem to have. 

I personally believe in telling your wife.  Why?  Because we know something isn't right.  We feel it.  We can help.  It is better to tell than have her discover it.  Or discover what kind etc.  Discovery is the worst way for a wife to find out.  Two working on this problem is better than only one. 

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Olafthewise. I'm praying, cheering, and just b*lls out supporting your recovery 100%. Keep posting, sharing with others, asking questions/learning, and responding to member's input. Through honesty, however painful, we beat our addictions, grow, and eventually heal. I'd also like to send a shout out to Gracie and Enablerblue. As partners who suffered because of your husband's selfish porn addictions, I think it takes a great deal of patience and understanding to share so openly and compassionately with we men struggling with porn addiction. I spent decades beating up on my poor ex-wife when I was so clearly the problem. This was my favourite line: "She can be tired, she can be in pain, or she feels the need to put your head through a window." From your lips to God's ears. Olaf I look forward to your next post and sharing in your honesty/recovery. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[olafthewise]

Gracie,
          Uh, what? For one, I am not viewing porn now or the last few weeks. Before that I was viewing the stuff about once a month...fooling myself that I had control. Then I decided that all this male sexual needs stuff, my wife and her lack of sexuality and her lack of fixing it---including her 10 month Vaginismus problem, was just not going to get better, ever. I'm too old to redeem myself (career wise) and the disrespect throughout the house is so bad (could be much worse) that I felt the addition of nude women on my mind, who are not my wife, was bad for my brain. And I need my brain working well. So, I quit porn for me. Again, my porn viewing was not as bad as some on this forum have had. I am also a computer engineer. (networking degree I never used) As a result of this, I can hide stuff and lock it so so she can never find it and never has. I've been doing this computer porn stuff since windows '95 came out! I'm pretty good at storing and deleting stuff. And my computer is mine. However I allow her to use it often (it's faster). I also allow my phone to be used by her knowing she can access everything.
Conclusion: there is no porn material on any device that she will stumble onto. I do have some pics of her though from years ago at a tropical resort. (when she was actually fun). She is still judgmental and self-righteous. Anything sinful I do is pointed out and emphasized.
I am sticking to my opinion. Confessing to my wife would be disastrous. Sex starvation is bad now, what do you think will happen if she knows I've been into soft porn for 19 years!

I've often pointed out that to keep a man from having an affair and maybe even from porn, the wife should be sexually fulfilling (within reason) for the husband. He in turn should provide the emotional and monetary security for her. Most wives take advantage of the Christian moral husband by restricting sexuality. In some cases the Christian husband has a sexual affair and the sex-starvation-causing-wife sits there scratching her head wondering why he would do this?---is everyone with me on this???
Right now the tension in our home over our many kids problems, my unemployment, me being sex starved-again, all contribute to anxiety that used to be relieved by going to porn. Well, not now. I type this up and then I got things to do. I'm depressed, but doing healthy things that keep me out of trouble. My wife may never learn to respect me, especially when I have been unemployed 5 years, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna give in to the porn! Going outside now.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for posting brother. It takes a lot of courage to share so openly and honestly. You are certainly dealing with a lot: unemployment; family issues; and lack of sex with your wife. Sometimes problems can be overwhelming I know. Another member recommended an amazing book called 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People' by Stephen Covey. You may know it. I would have balked at reading a self-help book just a few months ago before starting my reboot but I've absolutely devoured it. The main thing I took away from what I read today was we have two choices in life: be reactive or proactive. I realized I spent most of my life blaming, complaining, and mired in self-pity. This made me feel like I'd lost control. This was me reacting to my circumstances. Through my reboot and another program, I've moved to being more proactive and it makes a world of difference. Now rather than sitting in my own sh*t and complaining about it, I now see life through a set of values: honesty; accountability; loyalty; and hard-work. Armed with these principles, I have now started to see what I can do and what I can change about myself when confronted with life's problems. I'd love to read a post from you where you talk about what you did today to attack/solve your problems. It sounds like your wife can be a bit of a cold fish when it comes to intimacy. Be pro-active in finding a solution. Act like you did when you first met through compliments, flowers, make her dinner, and see if this changes the results. You know what happens when you do the same thing day after day. So maybe try changing it up. Romance the heck out of her. Treat her like a goddess. Act like she's the most desirable woman on the planet. Try a different approach as I'd love to hear if it works. I'm rooting for you brother. Stay strong and good luck on your journey. Love D.

 

[Fappy]

If you dont feel comfortable telling your wife, dont. She doesnt have the right to know anyway.
She might even expect it. She must be aware of not satisfying you sexually after so long, that was her choice to give you the cold shoulder. She neglected her husband sexually then he looked at porn.
Not much of a choice.
Maybe if she is open to communication about YOUR sexual needs then explain to her, otherwise let her figure it out.

 

[olafthewise]

Well, no she is not absolutely ignoring my sexual needs. It's just that there is an infrequency that keeps happening. Longest time without sex was 16 days!  Also, her "duty sex" where she is partially clothed while satisfying me makes me feel like a prize stud dog rather than a husband. Often I go 2 weeks without a "release." she has many different legitimate cards to play in her refusal. Remember, I have asked verbally before and when I ask there has been a 100% failure. She never initiates and when we do get together, (remember sex is painful for her for the last 10 months and she has made zero effort to call doctor) its boring and she seems uninterested. I often wait 3 hours ( for a sexual encounter) for her to wake up on Saturday after her 12 hour sleep!
Ok, so, I still, have not heard anything convincing about confessing past or present porn use to the wife. I stick to my opinion.

 

[Fappy]

Sexual intercourse with a partner is a two way street. Not a partially clothed dead end alley.
Quit porn to make yourself a better person. Do it for YOU. Dont bother making an effort for somebody who makes no effort for you.

 

[lyon03]

Perhaps you should take a values/principles approach. If your values include love, honesty, compassion, and responsibility, and you truly believe yourself to be a loving, honest, compassionate, and responsible person, then of course you should tell her. It's not the secrets we hide that define us, but the truth we live. If hiding and being angry all these years has gotten you nowhere, try a new approach. Do the opposite and see what happens. You've nothing to lose. If demanding sex from your wife isn't working, try romance instead. Give her a massage, light a few candles, cook her dinner, pay her some compliments. If you're heart isn't really into it, fake it. Pretend like it's the beginning rather than the end of your relationship. You already know the disappointing results from your previous approach so rather than wait your entire life for her to come home and attack you like a cat in heat, change the only thing you can: you. As for whether or not to tell her, only you can determine that. Relationships based on honesty and strong communication tend to last. Those based on secrets, evasions, and lies (like my former relationship) usually die. So today you have a choice: keep doing the same things or try a new approach. I look forward to reading about the results. Stay strong brother. I'm rooting for you.

 

[Gracie]

Perhaps seeking counseling where the two of you could talk about your marriage.  When I discovered my husband's use, yes there were tears.  Yes there was lost trust.  Because I was the one that was willing and he was the one doing something else.  We wanted our marriage to continue.  We weren't willing to throw 26 years down the drain.  So we talked and looked at how his use changed his outlook about me and how it changed the way I reacted to him.  The porn made him think foreplay was a slap on the butt at noon.  (WooHoo!)  So we worked on setting boundries for both of us.  Frequency was left up to me.  As he changed, it was more often.  Now, we literally cannot keep our hands off each other. 

Don't think of it as "confessing".  Think of it as a conversation about your marriage.  Think of it as saving your marriage.  Talking is painful.  And if you look at my statement in Porn SO you can read the pain I felt.  But, we talked and worked.  We talked about our assumptions, our ways of communicating.  Our ways we would like to see our marriage grow.  etc.  We learned a lot about each other.  The best thing of all though is we are closer than we thought possible.  And we have no secrets so we can be just us.

 

[olafthewise]

I can see your point about working together. I agree. However,
I have been unemployed 5 years!! No woman looks at her husband the same way after 5 years of unemployment! And certainly this woman does not want my hands on her. Like I said before, she has her moments, like once per month she is really wanting sex, the rest of the time its duty or just do enough to keep me barely alive. The rest of the time I can't do anything right. We are usually civil. Suddenly she's justifiably tired and retires to the bedroom upstairs to keep up with all the tragedies of people on Facebook. I keep busy on school stuff or cleaning up. To keep off porn I watch movies (Christmas movies right now). She once suggested I come to bed early so we could be intimate. I wanted to give her a good chance, so I tried to come to bed early four nights in a row. Well, nothing happened and she was doing the usual for all those nights (Facebook), so nothing happened. She is boring in bed and now that she has untreated Vaginismus (10 months) its even worse.
As far as counseling goes, everything will point the finger at me as a big loud, mean, lazy man. Confession would only give her good reason to not do any sex aside from what little is happening now. I could comment on how boring she is (no, I don't say mean things), but it turns into an argument rather than a discussion. If I ask her for certain sex acts or something else (I'll save you all graphic comments), she says, "why do you need this?" So I give up.
In her opinion, I should be turned on and satisfied with what I get from her and if I am not, I need sex addict counselling, AND I'm not being "loving enough."
Let's face it; I have little money for counselling as it is and she commands the bed, boring as it is. I told her one time that she was a prude and she got real mad...I'm not sure what she's mad about...am I right? Does she think she is not a prude???

I'm not tempted as I was with porn before. I drink very little alcohol if any, I run and lift weights and I eat healthy. In my depression I do healthy things. Porn is a thing that was poisoning me so I needed to get rid of it.
If my marriage intimacy was better I would be almost complete. I would then only need a job then.
However, I don't have a job, sex is so unexciting that I don't look forward to what little we do, so what am I? What defines me? People ask what I do and I often pause, not knowing what to say. I had a great government job 25 years ago that was supposed to define me for life. After 1 year, it was gone, although I attempted to redeem it, the job/career failed. There is no woman on earth that would respect a man such as this. I am too old to redeem myself. Right now I need to continue staying off porn and the only reward is to renew my brain and stop the sin.
I ran 6 miles today, with a pulled muscle. It was a great run, then gym time. The rest of the day was babysitting.
So what am I? unemployed babysitter on welfare. A real catch!! Perhaps my wife will forget all this and get intimate...oh yeah, she's wore out from working all day. Never mind.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing brother. Your main concern seems to be chronic unemployment. Why not share with us your job/career goals and how you're working towards that goal? Perhaps if you make finding a solution to this problem your passion, and work every day on the solution, it may give the greater self-confidence and a better relationship with your wife. Food for thought! I'm rooting for you brother and look forward to following your path, however rocky, to reach your dreams. Be well and count the blessings. Love D. 

 

[Fappy]

Hey mate. Maybe get your wife a book about sexual practices and how to please her man without the necessity for intercourse. Maybe not a good christmas present, but subtly present it to her.
If she cant use her own mind to devise ways to help you through your sexual problems, maybe she can learn from a professional in her own time. Tell her to try out some of the things on you.
Check at a local book store or something. They are pretty good too, like instructions on what she can do to your face or what to put in your arse. Also theres tips on how to pleasure your wife so she is getting something out of it too.

 

[Gracie]

Olaf, I know this will be hard for you to believe, but when my husband and I got married, he had no job.  I married him knowing he had no job and had no job on the horizon.  It did not affect our sex lives.  I did not desire him less.  What derailed our sex life was his addictiion to porn and him pulling away from the relationship.  He had all sorts of reasons just like you do.  I had to ask for sex during that time.  He thought I did not want to have sex.  In a way he was right.  I wanted us to connect.  I wanted us to have fun.  I wanted us to be close.  None of that was happening due to the changes brought on by porn.  I consistantly asked what is wrong?  What do we need to work on?  I thought he was leaving me.  Then I discovered the porn watching.  I heard all his excuses then.  Now that we have worked for a long time on it.  (Quitting was the easy part for him he totally committed to us working through this)  We now talk about the things he saw.  And he says they were not true, they were what he had to think to entitle himself to porn.  He almost totally withdrew when I had a major surgery and needed care.  Needless to say I did not get much care.  One of his big excuses was he had to stay up later than me because he was not tired.  Now we go to bed between 8 and 9 every night.  (don't always go to sleep right away   )  We also talk about how he changed and how I reacted to that change.  My reaction was he didn't want me he just wanted release. 

But him having a job or not never had anything to do with my commitment to him.

 

[Fappy]

Gracie,
Your husband does not know how lucky he is. If only every porn addicted mans wife was as supportive as you!
Keep it up!

 

[olafthewise]

In response to a sexual technique book;
My wife needs to rid herself of inhibitions. She is self-righteous and judgmental. Last year we had several thousand dollars for a vacation place to go for our anniversary. I thought of a great place where it was hot and we could have a pool with a high wall around it. Imagine the things we could do in the sun, nude!!In my days of porn watching I loved soft porn pics around a pool, but I experienced this with my wife before porn. instead, she began to criticize me for using so much money for such a thing. I felt it would be good to shed inhibitions and be nude together! She mentioned skin cancer (solution;sun tan lotion) and my ridiculous ideas, etc. We ended up going to a boring place where privacy was limited and boring and the pool was not used. Before she gets a book on sexual technique, she needs to be willing to try different things. She has too many inhibitions. Also, she thinks anything other than regular coital sex comes from porn. AND if a woman shaves her pubic hair off, its influence is from seeing porn!

On the subject of unemployment affecting sex;
She has had Vaginismus for 10 months! plenty of time to make an appointment and be treated for it. Instead she tries coital sex once in awhile and is mystified by the pain and stops the activity. She complains that her job makes it impossible to get an appointment. However, she has had so many opportunities to make an appointment and here we are; debating my wife's desire for sex with me. It lingers in the air, she thinks about it on her way to work each day, she is annoyed with me as she lays on her bed after dinner exhausted from the day and of course, did not make an appointment for the doctor and we are going to debate whether or not my wife's desire to have sex with me is affected by my unemployment??? She most certainly has no incentive to do anything else but do nothing about it. I sit here powerless to do anything.

On my unemployment;
I have over 20 resume's. I am in grad school for psychology.
I have experience in sales (that I hate, yes I hate selling something to someone), adoptions and foster care-which require masters degrees, and I have police experience (2 years), but as a straight, white, Christian man of 52, I cannot be a policeman, and I have a computer networking degree. All of these career areas I have repeatedly applied to with no results and for the last 2 years, no one...get this right now...no one responds to my resume's or applications, even though there is no indication of unemployment anywhere on my resume (it can be done).
I know people everywhere and they know my employment needs. At church, the gym, groups we know, but after awhile, you can sound like a depressed idiot mentioning job needs. For some reason people never ever, ever, know of any job openings where they work or people they know, that could support my family. In the meantime, I often hear of friends and family who lose their job and within a month someone they know gets them a connection and poof they got a job!! Not me! 
No upset here, why be upset when you are unemployed 11 times the average! and then we all want to convince me that my unemployment has absolutely nothing to do with my wife's sexual repulsion??? Her Vaginismus is a great excuse to NOT have sex with me. It's a great way to have an out for her.
So, confession will have no effect!
Getting off porn is for me. It would improve my character and she will remain a prude.